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Original poster

Is this financial abuse

60 replies

ThingsWillGetBetterInTime · 16/08/2014 02:05

Dh and I have been having money issues the last few months. We rum completely out of money for the last week or so of every month.

I have a credit card that I use for emergencies during this time and to buy basic food. I refuse to let dh borrow this card at all as I want to have complete control over it. It is our only source of money if there is an emergency. So dh has no money at all for the last week or so of each month.

Also to add, my parents gift me money every now and then that I secretly use to pay off the credit card. Dh doesn't know about this, and this is another reason why I'm so protective of it.

OP posts:
EarthWindFire · 16/08/2014 11:13

I think you are certainly being deceitful and controlling. Especially if you parents are giving you money that he knows nothing about. How would you feel if it was the other way around?

DaisyFlowerChain · 16/08/2014 11:35

Agree that if a man posted this he would be ripped to pieces. It seems fine on MN for women to control finances, take bank cards away, throw things at men yet it's a hideous crime the other way round. The double standards are astounding.

If my DH did this to me, he'd no longer have a wife. Fine to keep your own cards if separate finances but it doesn't sound like that. Neither would I hide the fact of a cash gift nor would he.

Fudgeface123 · 16/08/2014 11:41

He works, she doesn't. It's not her problem to make sure he doesn't spend all of his money, he should take some responsibility...he's quite happy to spend money that isn't his on the credit card. Her DD gifts HER money, is she supposed to let him spend all that too. I don't agree with this family money bollocks

eyebags63 · 16/08/2014 11:52

Fudgeface123
Except for OP has not said he spends "all of his money", infact she said he wasn't bad with money.

The op talks about WE are on a tight budget, meaning the family budget, but then treats this money separately as her money to control and spend without even consulting him. In actual fact not even allowing him the access to purchase essentials like bread and milk.

I'm not going to call it abusive but I do not think it is the way to run a healthy relationship. I also agree with Daisy and notina , if this was a bloke doing this we would all be absolutely disgusted.

capant · 16/08/2014 12:04

Do you share money or have your own individual money?

I think you need to talk to him about finances and come to some agreement about how to manage these. That might mean writing and sticking to a weekly shopping list for example.

Financial abuse is about one partner having no control over money, or one partner having little personal money while the other has lots.

But the issue isn't what you call it, but how you agree jointly a better way of managing your money.

Original poster
ThingsWillGetBetterInTime · 16/08/2014 12:09

I told dh when my parents gave us £200 for the baby a couple of months ago. We spent it on bills and paid off some of a personal loan. Since then they have given me some money every week or so around 20-£40 each time, which I have put toward my credit card. I don't want this money disappearing into an extra loan repayment or some other purchase that isn't entirely necessary which is what dh would want to do.

Would it be better to ask my parents to save the money they give me for emergencies and then use it if there was an emergency? Or maybe ask them to buy gift card for groceries instead. Would that be less deceitful?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThingsWillGetBetterInTime · 16/08/2014 12:15

We do have separate accounts and also a joint account. But since things have gotten so tight the money doesn't stay in the separate accounts for very long at all. I have always been more of a saver than dh, although he is not 'bad' with money he doesn't worry about it like I do and is more likely to spend it with less caution than I do.

OP posts:
capant · 16/08/2014 12:20

You could say to your DH that sometimes your parents give you some extra money for groceries when you are running short.

But I would focus on agreeing a budget with DH so that you don't run short for money for basics.

Fudgeface123 · 16/08/2014 12:23

Well he obviously spends it all as he has none left at the end of the month and thinks the credit card should bail him out. He's obviously not paying towards the cc and he doesn't know about OP's DD helping her out so he presumes that OP is paying it off...and he's happy to let her do this?

Original poster
ThingsWillGetBetterInTime · 16/08/2014 12:23

When my parents used to give me money before we had money troubles (and when we still used our separate accounts) I would just put it in my own account and I would treat myself and the dcs to things with it. I wouldn't feel right about doing that at the present time, which is why I was putting it safely away via credit card repayments.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThingsWillGetBetterInTime · 16/08/2014 12:30

fudge we really don't have any money to spend on anything other than the essentials. So we pay rent, bills, loan repayment, stock up on food and petrol and that is it. Nothing is left for the last week or so.

OP posts:
capant · 16/08/2014 12:30

If you are better with money, do you need to manage money separately somehow?

DaisyFlowerChain · 16/08/2014 12:31

Rather than the deceit why not just tell him?

Or you could say no the next time they offer and live within your means.

Fairylea · 16/08/2014 12:50

You need to tell him. And you need to budget properly. Together.

Dh and I manage on a very low income - dh earns just over 15k. We have two dc and I am a sahm. Our mortgage and bills come to £890 a month and with tax credits etc (Including maintenance for one dc) we have about £680 for everything else including food and petrol. We just about do it but we have a budget down to the last pound. For example our food budget is £80 a week and we take the cash out on a Monday and put it in a separate purse and just spend that and when it's gone it's gone. The rest of the weekly allowance (£130) goes towards petrol and spending on the dc etc. Or treating ourselves if there is some left over (we spend equally).

I would imagine neither of you know exactly how much you have to spend in a week.

Fairylea · 16/08/2014 12:51

(130 is our total weekly allowance - 80 for food and the rest to use on petrol etc).

canweseethebunnies · 16/08/2014 14:55

Hmmm. It depends if you have a genuine reason not to trust him with the credit card, or if you're just a bit controlling. If he just doesn't shop quite as economically as you then I think you're a bit controlling.

As for the money from your parents, can't you just tell him about it, and say it's specifically to pay off the credit card? I think that's reasonable, and if he's reasonable he should accept that.

I don't think it amounts to financial abuse though. It doesn't sound like he has less access tooney than you.

canweseethebunnies · 16/08/2014 14:55

*to money

Annarose2014 · 16/08/2014 15:01

She doesn't even trust him to buy food with it, even though her parents money pays it off.

If my spouse wouldn't even give me tne card to buy bread and milk.....good god.

BlackDaisies · 16/08/2014 15:02

It's not financial abuse because you are talking about a credit card. You're at the point where you need to borrow money for essentials every month (on YOUR card - so the debt is in your name).

If you were refusing him access to your joint savings it might be different.

You sound very prudent, and coping really well in a difficult situation. Would it be wiser though to save then spend your parents' money directly on groceries, rather than racking up more debt on your card, and increasing the interest you need to pay? Or are you managing to pay the debt off each month without interest?

BlackDaisies · 16/08/2014 15:04

She doesn't even trust him to buy food with it - because she knows from experience he would spend that much more on his shop and begin to build up a bigger debt.

eyebags63 · 16/08/2014 16:01

BlackDaisies OP didn't say he would spend loads more though, just that he wasn't as disciplined at following a list. To me it does sound like there is some small control aspect to this as well.

"I refuse to let dh borrow this card at all as I want to have complete control over it."

I agree with Fairylea. They need to sit down and budget carefully together and he needs to learn the importance of following the shopping list exactly.

It is the deceit and sneaking around that will cause problems in the long run. OP DP's may accidentally let something slip or whatever and then her DP might well be rightfully upset.

twizzleship · 16/08/2014 16:15

If it was the other way around I would be upset as it would be like he doesn't trust me, and I guess I don't 100% trust him either....that isn't a healthy relationship op. you blame him for not sticking to a budget but neither are you - you're constantly living beyond your means and expecting a third party to bail you out each month!

you're also giving him a false idea of tough things really are. i'm not surprised he's not sticking to a tight budget because it looks like you keep 'magicking money out of thin air'. he probably thinks you're deliberately hiding money - which you technically are.

you both need to treat each other as adults...write down the weekly shop and food budget, tell him if he doesn't stick to it then either the family goes without (i.e no supper for the parents) or it comes out of his petrol money. it's only when his lack of discipline affects HIM that he will understand the need to stick to a budget.

twizzleship · 16/08/2014 16:22

He works, she doesn't.It's not her problem to make sure he doesn't spend all of his money, he should take some responsibility Actually, it was BOTH their responsibility to make sure they had enough money to provide for their family, his wages are going on ALL their expenses which is why he has no money left- how is that not responsibility enough?! OP needs to take responsibility for this situation too and stick to a budget, currently she is choosing to spend beyond her means which is being financed by someone else Hmm

it's amazing how one can make do with what money they have when there is no one constantly bailing them out....

Stripyhoglets · 16/08/2014 17:59

I don't think you are controlling as this is a temporary situation. but maybe if you get your mum and dad to gift the money by the way of grocery card that would be better as then you don't have to use the credit card for groceries etc.

Stripyhoglets · 16/08/2014 18:09

and maybe let him get the groceries but ask him to stick to a list or send him with the grocery card with only so much money on do he can't go mad.