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Original poster

Lazy husband or nagging wife??

55 replies

chasingtail · 15/08/2014 21:31

Totally lost the plot with DH today.

To cut to the chase he runs his own company (with business partner) and works most days 7.30 am to 7 pm ish.
I work part-time as well as looking after 2 DC's and running the household.

Whilst I totally get he is the main bread winner and has a stressful job, I cannot take that as a valid reason for him to do sweet FA when he gets home. Most nights he gets in, puts on big show of showing how tired he is, exclaims he's starving, and then flops in front of TV for rest of evening. In the meantime, I am doing dinner, bathing and putting DC's to bed, and clearing up. Weekends seem to be either him undertaking random household projects (little of which seems necessary), which leave even more of a mess for me to clear up, or monosyllabic, shut away reading weekend papers. He'll 'play' with DCs for the minimum time and will only do any family activity if I organise it.

Have tried and tried to make him understand that he switches off when he gets home, but what about me??? When do I get to clock off?

Massive row tonight, he accused me of sulking and not having any clue about how hard he works, whilst I said I was being treated like a scivvy and being taken advantage off. So now now he's buggered off the pub! Every time I try and broach the subject, he thinks he's being attacked and I just get more and more resentful.

How can I resolve this with it escalating into some huge make or break deal (which is where it seems to be headed). All I know is that I've had enough and all I want is a bit of help around the place.

Any thoughts gratefully received...

OP posts:
0pheliaBalls · 15/08/2014 21:36

When he gets in from work, tell him you're off out. Let him deal with the evening chaos for a change. You meet up with friends for a drink or whatever. Why the heck shouldn't you?!

MrsMinton · 15/08/2014 21:40

I had this problem in the past. I pointed out it was our family, our house and he chose it all so he had to do a share. We split the tasks and it is much fairer. My DH works away most of the week but when he is home it's a fair split now.

Original poster
chasingtail · 15/08/2014 21:45

Thanks Balls(!), yes I should just leave him too it. Trouble is it doesn't resolve anything and frankly at the moment all I wanna do is lump him one Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
chasingtail · 15/08/2014 21:50

Mrs Minton you're right. Somehow our whole home life has morphed into something that seems to belong to just me and which I have total responsibility for. I don't know how I can make DH see that our family and home is his choice too and one that he must therefore help with.

Aaarrgh!!

OP posts:
Notexactlymarthastewart · 15/08/2014 21:51

When you've both had a chance to calm down, have a discussion about splitting the dinner and bath time between you - maybe you can alternate, but it would be good for him to do bath time / bedtime with DCs as you have them the majority of the time during the day. Then once that's done, you can tidy away the dishes and BOTH sit down and relax / unwind.

If you can then agree the best time for his weekend projects so you can both organise family activities time at weekend, maybe even organise it so that YOU can have time to chill alone and read the papers / take a long bath / whatever.

Explain how tired you are, even give him a shot at looking after DCs and house so he can appreciate exactly what you do??

Clearly, you both work hard, and are both tired at the end of the day but he needs to spend time with you, and with the DCs and pull his weight in the house too.

Good luck. I tried, but wasn't successful, maybe you will fare better.

clam · 15/08/2014 21:58

He doesn't wish to do anything at home because he views it as more 'work?' If it's 'work' for him, then presumably it's 'work' for you too. Ask him why he thinks it's acceptable for you to work all day and then all evening as well, when he clocks off at 7.

Original poster
chasingtail · 15/08/2014 21:59

So he's back from pub, stormed in bedroom and back out without saying a word.

Martha, I've tried explaining to him before that I'm tired as well but it just seems to turn into a 'who's more tired' competition.

Rationally I know we need to discuss the splitting of chores, but the whole issue seems more fundamental than that. I just don't think he gets where I'm coming from, and probably vice versa. Same old, same old for the last 9 years. All I know is that I've had enough...

OP posts:
Original poster
chasingtail · 15/08/2014 22:02

Bang on the money Clam.

OP posts:
FunnysInLaJardin · 15/08/2014 22:06

OK, how many hours do you do PT? a 12 hour day for your DH is a lot of work hours. Is there any way he could do less? What does he do for a living? And what do you do?

Notexactlymarthastewart · 15/08/2014 22:07

I thought you might have tbh....

Well then, it's either Ophelia's option, and/ or crunch time talks:
He can share some of the load with you and help put yourselves back ontrack
Or
He can manage all his own chores, plus work, plus DCs on his own at weekends after you've split.
Simples.

MrsMinton · 15/08/2014 22:09

I have to say it had to be an ultimatum and I did mean it. I told him that I felt taken for granted and said what I wanted to change and that I would leave if things didn't change. My H wasn't always like it. He was very ill for a year and I had to care for him while he recovered. When things got back to normal there had been a shift in our relationship and he was doing nothing at home, or with our DS's. I was so exhausted emotionally from it all I just got on for two years, getting more fed up. Eventually I decided I wouldn't put up with it anymore and told him. It shocked him and for a few weeks it was very difficult but he put the effort into being a partner again rather than a dependant and it's stayed like it.

Darkesteyes · 15/08/2014 22:09

What the fuck do these men think they are going to do if (God forbid) something happens to any of you FFS!

awishes · 15/08/2014 22:10

Sorry to say this was my life for 16 years and I am now getting divorced!

Hope you don't head thst way, try to get it sorted.

Original poster
chasingtail · 15/08/2014 22:38

So he's back from the pub and blatantly ignoring me.

funny he's in the construction industry and generally the busier they are, the better the business is. They can't afford to take anyone else on at the mo which I appreciate causes site pressure.

I work 5 hours, 5 days a week which doesn't seem much but feels huge when taking everything.else,into consideration.

On several previous occasions I have left him to stew in his own mess and deliberately made a point of not cooking his dinner, ironing his clothes etc. But it just seems to exacerbate the situation where I then get accusations of being petty/sulky/immature et etc blah blah. The kids also quickly get wind that Dad's being 'excluded' from meals are start to get worried.

Sheesh!!

OP posts:
Original poster
chasingtail · 15/08/2014 22:39

Not site, should be extra

OP posts:
TheGoop · 15/08/2014 22:42

I would stop washing and ironing his clothes all together. Why do you do it? Is he a child who is incapable of doing any of those tasks for himself? Stop it now.

KoalaKoo · 15/08/2014 22:44

Hmm, I have only got info in op to go on, so I could be way off here,but surely if you work part time and run the home, you must be getting some down time on the day, or you could do if you organised your tasks differently?

I think what I'm saying is, I would have thought it was perfectly possible for him to sit on his arse at 7pm because he has just worked 12 hours, whereas even if your hours are split differently through the day (eg you are working 7pm to 8pm with the kids), I really cant see how you should need to be putting in more than 12 hours in order to run your home and do your job.

coppertop · 15/08/2014 22:47

Interesting that he keeps accusing you of sulking when that seems to be his own chosen method of avoiding a discussion on the subject.

When his current tantrum ends, I would also be bringing up his inability to discuss issues like an adult

Does he tantrum and sulk at work when there's a problem to be discussed? Or is this lovely behaviour strictly reserved for his wife?

Notexactlymarthastewart · 15/08/2014 22:55

Koala clearly it is "perfectly possible for him to sit on his arse" as that is exactly what he is doing.

The point it, he doesn't even have the common courtesy to acknowledge that his DW has also been working 12 hours, and might actually like a hand as her "working day" isn't actually over yet!!!

He could easily sit on his arse in the bathroom and bath the DCs and then transfer his arse to their bedroom for a bedtime story, rather than park said arse on the couch IMHO.

Having been in the OP's situation myself, it is downright insulting, infuriating, exhausting and soul destroying to live like that, and feel you are " only a skivvy" in your own home.

Original poster
chasingtail · 15/08/2014 22:55

Koala, yes on paper I guess it may appear that way and quite likely it just seems worse because the DCs are on summer hols.

However, living in the house we do, and where we do, means there is very little opportunity for downtime at any point whilst the children are awake ( as I'm sure most other mums will verify). Maybe I should make more of a point to just 'be' during the day but in reality not a hope in hell. Between kids, dog, housework, work, I don't get time to relax and even less so when his Lordship's 12 hours is up!!

OP posts:
MrsMinton · 15/08/2014 23:27

Chasingtail shouldn't have to be doing it differently to create time for herself. He should be involved in family life. He chose to have children and therefore should play a part in their care and in their development. What is he currently showing them? He should also help with washing etc because he wears/eats/uses things. It's about respecting others.

CookieMonsterIsHot · 15/08/2014 23:36

So if you complain about being treated as a skivvy or refuse to skivvy for him, you are punished?

Horrible. Effective though. Nine years of not having to do any housework. Sounds like he's got this routine down pat!

You were upset and said so. He fucked off to the pub leaving you to do everything, came home to potter about doing whatever he wants, not anything useful presumably. Pretty much zero negative consequence for him. Actually sounds like quite a fun evening for him.

What's the usual routine now? Are you expected to start being extra nice to bring him round? Or will he eventually deign to start talking to you again and you have to be super grateful? You are required to STFU now you've been put back in your place, right?

If you don't stfu you will be told off for making him feel under attack and for being petty / sulky / immature?

He will happily carry on punishing you until you stfu?

When you took a while to stfu and even went on strike, he only had to make sure the kids noticed you weren't putting up with him being an arse, which confused and upset them, and hey presto, you stfu.

Nine years! You are being taken for a mug. He sounds like an utter knob who doesn't give a shit about your feelings, needs, desires or general happiness.

Why would you not want to treat this as a huge make or break deal ? Sure as hell sounds like one to me!

kaykayblue · 16/08/2014 09:11

I completely agree with notquiteMarthaStewart;

^I thought you might have tbh....

Well then, it's either Ophelia's option, and/ or crunch time talks:
He can share some of the load with you and help put yourselves back on track
Or
He can manage all his own chores, plus work, plus DCs on his own at weekends after you've split.
Simples.^

He sounds like a selfish arse. If he doesn't want to be involved with his family, but have other people running around for him, then you should tell him to do one and let him pay for a maid.

I genuinely think you should LTB - but not necessarily on a permanent basis. Long enough for him to realise that his life is only so easy because you are picking up all the slack, and for him to agree to help out.

whatisforteamum · 16/08/2014 09:17

when my kids were little i did about the same hrs as you,like you say with housework,school run .lunch packs it felt way more like a fulltime job.It sounds like your DH does do long days too the same as mine did but he got the food shop,washed up and as i like being busy that was enough.However as i work shifts i took on some that meant he would have to cook tea for him and the kids.Thehn i got put on sundays so uniforms had to be ironed and he started doing roast dnners.I understand most men now do their fair share mine was a bit "old school" and does still flop in front of emmerdale and get cross if i ask anything when it is on!! Was your DH brought up in a family where mum did it all?My Dad was a great Dad more than happy to bath the kids cut the grass whatever when he got home.
Hey isnt it time you cleared off to the pub? I did this week for the 1st time ever it was great :)

Gennz · 16/08/2014 09:20

How old are the kids? I am on the fence about who is being unreasonable. If I got home at 7pm after a full on 12 hour day I would definitely want some time to decompress, I think that's understandable. However I think "decompression" could take the form of cooking dinner or cleaning up while you do baths or something so that he is contributing and so that you both end up with some free time in the evening. And he should definitely be helping out more at the weekend - actually, not "helping out" - he should want to hang out with his kids, you'd think!