Lazy husband or nagging wife??

[chasingtail]

Totally lost the plot with DH today.

To cut to the chase he runs his own company (with business partner) and works most days 7.30 am to 7 pm ish.
I work part-time as well as looking after 2 DC's and running the household.

Whilst I totally get he is the main bread winner and has a stressful job, I cannot take that as a valid reason for him to do sweet FA when he gets home. Most nights he gets in, puts on big show of showing how tired he is, exclaims he's starving, and then flops in front of TV for rest of evening. In the meantime, I am doing dinner, bathing and putting DC's to bed, and clearing up. Weekends seem to be either him undertaking random household projects (little of which seems necessary), which leave even more of a mess for me to clear up, or monosyllabic, shut away reading weekend papers. He'll 'play' with DCs for the minimum time and will only do any family activity if I organise it.

Have tried and tried to make him understand that he switches off when he gets home, but what about me??? When do I get to clock off?

Massive row tonight, he accused me of sulking and not having any clue about how hard he works, whilst I said I was being treated like a scivvy and being taken advantage off. So now now he's buggered off the pub! Every time I try and broach the subject, he thinks he's being attacked and I just get more and more resentful.

How can I resolve this with it escalating into some huge make or break deal (which is where it seems to be headed). All I know is that I've had enough and all I want is a bit of help around the place.

Any thoughts gratefully received...

You've forgotten, obviously, that he has the Magic Penis. This makes him the person around which the household revolves, while you, the person who doesn't havea penis, are a domestic appliance. This may well not be fixable: men who consider women things that exist for their benefit rather than human beings often will not change.

While it';s not unreasonable for the person who works fewer hours outside the home or is the SAHP to do the majority of the domestic work, the other parent should do enough housework and childcare to allow both parents the same amount of leisure time - to watch telly, go to the pub, meet a friend, have a nap, etc. But when the man believes that him earning the main wage entitles him to expect his female partner to be on duty 24/7 in exchange for her keep and a bit of pocket money - and he usually expects to have sex on her whenever he fancies it; that's part of her 'duties' too - it leads to justifiable resentment and often to divorce.

Can I say something OP? The benefit of the doubt

You might all flame me, but I have been in his position.
It sounds like he is working too long and too intensely and that's why he can't contribute to the household. I was like this when I was in a toxic workplace and as then a self employed person. Things are different now I am a SAHD and my wife is currently away on a multi day spa trip while I look after our non-standard DS. She works FT normally.

The problem might be his massive investment in his job. If that's it, then you'll need to decide together how to support him changing that, and any financial implications for the family.

Am now taking myself out for few hours - leaving him still in bed sleeping it off. Oh and leaving DCs with him so hopefully they'll make a racket and shift him from his pit.

Still seething but some time to myself may help clear my head a bit.

If he wants to be a father and husband he needs to act like one. Going out and earning a living is only part of the role. Tell him your running out of steam and need some sort of contribution from him with regards to family life. If he can't contribute towards it then what is the actual point of him being there?

Tell him if really cared about you, then when you are unhappy about something he would listen and try to help you solve the problem. Say that because he isn't listening to you it feels as though he doesn't care about you or your future happiness.

I don't think stopping his laundry etc is the answer here. If he is under intense pressure at work could it be that when things ease up a bit then he can contribute more then? Have you considered getting some help in the home, to take the pressure off yourself?

Clam explains it perfectly.

With my DH and I we are both up at 7am. I then begin my "work" as I sahm and he gets ready to go to his work.

He gets back about 5pm and then we BOTH do whatever is needed. Neither of us "clocks off" until both children are asleep.

It wouldn't be fare for one of us to spend the evening with the tv and the other still working.

You're working 5 hours a day and looking after the kids which is still a lot.

It's also not just about the hours worked but about the fact that a lot of your stuff is stuck inside, waiting on other people (him) and that creates a feeling of skivvydom.

I don't think it's necessary for him to do a lot but enough to make you feel that you're an equal and not his maid.

My dad used to work long hours but still do things like the washing up. Because he respected my mum and that is what this is about-respect.

On FWR it is often said that a good measure is that both parents get equal leisure time and that is what you need to aim for. Working 5 hours a day plus childcare and housework AND then cooking his dinner and tidying up doesn't sound conducive to that.

good luck OP

If he was a single dad, he'd have to work those hours AND cook/clean/raise children. If he lived alone with no kids, he'd have to work those hours AND cook/clean/pick up after himself. So with another adult in the house, house-related work should only be split, not disappear completely.

That said, good luck getting him to change after so long. I struggle and I've only been married 6 months!

Yes the school hols will bemaking a big difference. Also I would not really be too surprised if dh didnt really realise or understand that supervising children and keeping house is very time consuming and can be demanding, which would explain his lack of support after 7pm. Plus he could just be knackered, couldnt he?

I dont think you will make any progress withthis with your dh op unless you can manage to open up a genuine conversation about it, where you can both share your feeling and views without anyone getting angry or shutting down.

In the meantime youve only got 4 weeks of hols left - how can YOU rearrange your life or your tasks so you feel like you are getting a break?

OP, I feel your pain. I have a partime professional job and DH works for himself in a similar industry. The lions share of house and kids stuff is up to me.

Over the years we have managed to iron out the detail a bit. So I rarely do bath and bed. While DH is doing that I am busy downstairs, doing laundry, lunches, tidying, you know, all that stuff that makes the house run. If I am not finished by the time he is down, we muck in together until it's all done and then we sit down together.

Some days we are both too knackered. Sometimes I'm too knackered or he is too knackered. On those days the other steps up and does what needs to be done. But it took tears and tantrums to reach this point. I work term time only now, so I defo do more house and kids stuff, but now I am partime, he earns more money.

Swings and roundabouts. Good luck.

It sounds more than equal without him needing to do anything housework wise. If he works twelve hours to shoulder the bulk of the financial earnings and you do five, then you had seven hours less and there's no way it takes seven hours a day to do household tasks.

If you are unhappy, go full time and let him reduce down to the same number of hours and then split the household jobs evenly.

If you worked twelve hour days in your job whilst he worked five, would you seriously expect to come home and start cleaning or cooking after the other person had been home for seven hours?

IMHO it is very easy to fill 7+ hours if you have a house to keep with no help whatsoever and two small DCs.

I worked similar hours part time too, and it was only when DC2 started his morning nursery place aged 3.5 that I found I had a whole 2.5 per week to myself!! And only then because I didn't work Mondays yet I was still criticised if I didn't use that time for housework, instead of on myself

I am an extremely organised person at work and home, but there is always something needing done. The issue here is the building resentment because OP does not feel appreciated as she feels she has been reduced to a mere skivvy.

OPH has not listened or addressed her concerns and she is at the end of her tether.

2.5 hours per week, that should say

If someone is a SAHP then their 'job' is looking after the children, which takes priority over housework.

OP - can you afford to get a cleaner in to ease the burden on you if DH cannot/refuses to help?

I agree SolidGoldBrass but inevitably you end up trying to juggle both

Well for starters she isn't expecting him to cook just for her, it's for THEIR children!

And I am always baffled on these threads when people say oh you only work part time you can get all the housework done before he comes home etc... Where are these houses where once you do housework that's it done and there are no evening meals to prepare and clean up from and no children who need getting to bed and no one makes a mess from 5pm onwards...

My dp works full time, he often does 24-36hr shifts and he will come home and pitch in. Because when he is out at work, I am at work and dealing with household and the madthings. When he gets in we are both then 'on duty' he wouldn't just sit on his arse whilst I continue to do everything that still needs to be done.

Op if it's always been like this I am not sure how you can change it other than go away for a few days/week and let him get on with it.

Every time I try and broach the subject, he thinks he's being attacked and I just get more and more resentful.

No he doesn't OP, that's just the way he acts to make you stop bringing it up. If it were my dh and he started getting defensive I would say "What's the matter? We are just talking, why all the drama?"

Anyway, to get to your problem - when you started living together you both took on these roles. It suited you then, presumably, but doesn't now.

He won't change, it suits him much better this way.

So it's you who needs to change your behaviour. How far are you prepared to take it?

For all those that think op should have plenty of time to do all her housework and look after children in 7 hours can I ask do the children magically disappear at the end of her 7 hours.

Where do they go.

Putting aside the time worked aspect, I think it is more sad that he doesn't want to help with bath time/bedtime and joining in with family time. Children grow up. You don't get back the chances to play. If nothing else he is missing out on this and in building a close relationship with the children.

Of course children don't disappear but the OP is moaning he doesn't come home and start cooking or cleaning. Children are to be cherished, they are not a chore nor work. By 7pm I suspect most children have eaten and been bathed anyway.

Nobody seriously needs to spend seven hours on a home unless they live in a mansion with dozens of people living in it.

If this bloke thinks the home/kids/family stuff is none of his responsibility then he doesn't deserve any of it.

The op clearly says that her dh sits down whiplash is still doing dinner and tidying and getting kids to bed.

When kids are very little they may be in bed by 7pm but its also the school holidays so kids may well be up later.

Fgs I cherish my kids but yes dealing with them all the time is work and her dh should be sharing that.

It sounds as though he is exhausted, rather bored by tedious family life and probably you. Do you want to lose him to someone who lets him have a bit of time to unwind after a long day at work? Is interested in him? Can manage their day to give him some attention when he gets in? Puts him ahead of the children occasionally?
If you need a break from working part time and having children hire a baby sitter and organise sleepovers for them with friends and family. Don't expect a man who works those hours to turn into Mary Poppins the moment he gets home.
Give the man a break and sort yourself out. You clearly aren't superwoman so stop expecting him to be superman.

Weekends seem to be either him undertaking random household projects (little of which seems necessary), which leave even more of a mess for me to clear up, or monosyllabic, shut away reading weekend papers.

Did other posters miss this bit !!

This is child avoidance imo because looking after DCs means not being a selfish git and he isn't prepared to do that.

He wants his job, which, despite long hours might not be that dire, presuming you like what you are doing and have banter and camaraderie with colleagues, and when not at work he wants to sit on his arse, and then wants to chill out at weekends doing only what he wants, disregarding everyone else.

Foolishly he has landed himself with a wife and DCs.

I would change your argument to 'why don't you want to spend time with me and your children?' (repeat until he gets the message) and do it in the hearing of the DCs because otherwise he is the hard working DF and you are the haranguing DM picking on him.
If it is the norm for him to ignore them they won't see anytning wrong with it.
It needs flagged up big time.

Please all ignore Tabithatwit as it is obviously a wind up.