How do you move on from your partner lying about something significant?

[rockybalboa]

So recently it has transpired that my DH has been lying (quite considerably) about something work related which has quite a potential impact on our family life (we have 3 DC under 6). He's not Walter White or anything like that but he has deliberately spun me a line about something even under subtle questioning once I started to suss what was going on. I've pulled him up on it tonight and he wasn't really able (or perhaps didn't want) to justify why he has lied when there was no need. He initially tried to keep lying his way out of it to start off with but kind of gave up once like a balloon that had been popped with a pin once I made it clear that I had firm incontrovertible evidence he was lying and that I couldn't understand why he felt the need to lie at all.

I made it very clear that as he has lied about something which ordinarily I would expect to be discussed as part of a normal relationship between two adults then how on earth can I believe anything he has says about anything. Other than looking rather sad and saying he was upset that he had disappointed me, it's kind of been left unresolved and we've had a relatively normal evening albeit with a middling sized elephant sitting in the corner of the room.

What do I do now? How do I/we move on from this? I am going to ask him again tomorrow evening for an update about the work situation and hope that is honest with me this time but who knows whether he will be or not. He has said he's not lied about anything else and isn't planning to leave us and set up home with a cocktail waitress or whatever but how do I actually KNOW?

Any advice would be welcome as my head is spinning a bit with the lies, let alone the implications of the actual situation he's been lying about. One step at a time though...

Depends what the lie is. Spill

Plus. You sound a bit hectoring tbh

I think my mind would always be wondering what else he was lying about.

Marvellous, now I'm hectoring. Thanks.

It's about changing his job. But to me, it doesn't matter what the detail of the lie is. He's lied, he can't explain why he's done it but he's sad that he's disappointed me. It's not an LTB situation but it has damaged my trust in him which saddens me.

Was he actively pursuing a particular new job or just putting feelers out? Does it involve some big upheaval (location, travelling time, hours)? Large drop in salary?

Actively pursuing. Had attended several interviews and been offered it and was negotiating the contract. Yes to longer hours and more travelling so much more time away from home after all. No drop in salary.

I'm going to be accused of drip feeding now aren't i? Sorry, I didn't think the detail was that important. He has lied, we both know he has lied but I now don't know what to believe in all aspects of our relationship given that he's lied about something that didn't need to be lied about.

It is very difficult depending on the scale of the breach of trust.

For me, it wasn't so much the lie itself ( although it was also work related and had massive lifelong implications) it was not understanding why he had lied at all. It was totally unsustainable, and yet he tried to sustain it.

The underlying cause was, he was desperately unhappy and in fact was having what we now realise was a breakdown.

We went to rock bottom, as I was pregnant when it all came to light, I felt utterly betrayed.

However, I decided to stick it out, and help him address the underlying issues. I now have DP who is most honest person ever, he knows the potential consequences of lying - to his own equilibrium - and I trust him completely.

I would feel shocked and betrayed if I was you and completely understand where you are coming from. Even if his job change had no implications for you what kind of partner does all that, applying for a job, attending interviews, accepting it and negotiating contracts without mentioning it? Let alone lying about it when asked. That would be horrible in itself. I'd be feeling 'well what meaning do I actually have for you if you think that's ok, aren't we meant to be life partners?'

But the fact that he will be away from home for more hours is hugely significant. If you have three small DC that has massive implications for you personally and the fact he just assumes it's ok to change the deal on your daily life without consultation with you is awful! It's terrible he thinks that is ok. Would he be happy if you unilaterally decided he was going to do 10 hours of single handed parenting per week? Ie you took a Saturday job without informing him?! Who does he think he is??

For me, the lack of basic respect would have me booting him out the door. I couldn't live with that. Lying on that scale tells you you really don't matter to him. Either he is oblivious to the effect this will have on you because you are just a domestic appliance and who asks a Hoover how much work it wants to do? Or he knows it is a huge thing and did it anyway. I couldn't carry on with either of those scenarios, it would be over.

Wtf?! This is a huge lie! No, sorry, I couldn't just ignore something of this magnitude.

I'd be having a serious conversation. I'd want to know why he lied - did he think you wouldn't approve? I would not accept "I don't know" as an answer. Ask him how he would feel if you did similar.

Bizarre, who keeps something like that from their partner?

The nature of the lie is absolutely key here.

Presumably the reason why you feel the lie is such a big deal is because of the potential for the job change to impact on your life and you're reacting badly because you don't approve of the potential change.

That is fine and your prerogative but does explain to a degree why he might have kept the initial interviews quiet - why have an argument over something until it is more solid than hypothetical?

I'm foncused. So he did those things or he just lied and didn't have interviews etc?

If he had them and didn't tell you I wouldn't class that as lying

Maybe he is wanting to explore differnf jobs without you sticking your nose in. No drop in pay- what's the deal.

What notquitesoonedge said. Perfectly put.

It sounds as if he really wanted this job and he knew that if he spoke to you about it you may well of objected or thrown a spanner in the works and he really, really didn't want that so he kept quiet and things escalated to its current situation.
If he takes the job then you should negotiate how you could perhaps afford a cleaner for a few hours per week so that your work load can lessen a bit.
You have every right to be angry but you have no reason to think that he has been lying to you over other stuff. It's really tough being in long term relationships and I guess sometimes we put our own needs above those of our partner or family.
This could now cause a huge rift in your relationship. How much damage you want it to cause is now in your hands. You can't undo what has been done, you can only focus on what happens from here onwards.

Well without knowing the detail.

If the pay is much less - he didn't want to tell you but wanted the job, so would look selfish.
If the hours are much longer - he might look as if he is trying to spend less time with DCs, which would look selfish.
If he felt he should take the job - but didn't want it as he didn't feel he was up to it, didn't want to admit that.
If he played down the new job, maybe he didn't think he'd get it.
If he played up the job, maybe he didn't think he'd get it.
Is there someone at the new place of work he fancies? Then he wouldn't tell you.

Any of those, all except the last don't matter much imo.

"behave yourself"?! "stick your nose in"?!

fucking hell. ignore those twats, OP

think you're well within your rights to be very upset. He's lied about a job, not some one off white lie, but continually lied about something that impacts your family.

I find it odd that in our supposedly enlightened age there are people still reverting to their bourgeois stereotype of the hectoring badgering woman, nice work.

Bourgeois? How?

Is he still thinking of accepting the job?

Has he been offered it?

It does impact on your life, he will be out of the house for longer and by definition that means you will be left alone with 3 young dc.

How would he feel if you sought a job without telling him accepted it and then assumed that he would look after the dc?

What are the benefits to you if he gets this job?

More money? Is it worth it? Will YOU get this extra money as it is also ypu making the sacrifice by being an unpaid child minder.
Will it means he does less around the house, again is it worth it for YOU?

You need to sit down and discuss this. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that he must never assume that you will do his share of the chores and child care.

I do know what I am talking about I was a sham with a h who at one time did 3 jobs. We discussed it first.
Looking back ( we are no longer together ) there were good and bad points about that.
But he didn't accept the jobs with consulting me first.

Oh and even though he might be getting more money, what that means for the op is she will be doing more unpaid work ie housework and child are.

Perhaps telling him that all household jobs will be split evenly, if that means he struggles then perhaps he needs to rethink if he can accept this job , might make him think twice.

Not to put a downer on things but if you were ever to separate, think of your potential earnings. The amount of unpaid work you are doing in order for him to do paid work will count for nothing.

I speak as someone who gave up a good career I order to be a sham.

He was wrong to be so far down the track and not have discussed it with you. If he'd just been putting feelers out it would be different. The message is clear. He either thinks you would have been an obstacle to his plans or he thinks your opinion is irrelevant. That does not display any respect for you and is very self-centred behaviour on his part. Is he so far down the track now that he can't go back on the contract?.... In a wider sense does he have form for excluding you from decisions and presenting things as a fait accompli?

Trust aside, as the DM to three young DCs, I expect the freedom you have to take unilateral decisions about your schedule is very limited. Do you work? Have a good social life? Time to yourself? Is the domestic stuff shared equally at the moment? Is there resentment already?

You asked how you get past this & I think it's mostly going to have to come from him. What does he propose to do to make amends?

Bourgeois in the petty middle-class attitudes that people surprisingly cling to.
A woman shouldn't nit question her husband so as not to be a nag, it's all a bit naff. If you're not talking to your partner about major decisions, then you really need to sort it out a bit, or a lot.

Do be aware that there are some regular posters that deliberately put forward misogynistic points of view in an attempt to derail threads. Ignore rather than engage.

That's terrible, OP. He seems to be saying: as the main breadwinner, I can unilaterally decide where and when I work, and you just have to fit in around my wishes. Did he not tell you because he thought you would (understandably) object to the increase your own workload by reason of him travelling more? Surely that is a valid concern, just as it would be for him if you said: guess what, I've got a part-time job but the hours are 3-8 every day so that's you on the school run for the foreseeable, got it?

You've got two issues on your hands, really:

• how will family life be affected if you JOINTLY decide he should take this job?
• why did he choose to lie about pursuing it?

Completely unacceptable and disrespectful.