How do you move on from your partner lying about something significant?

[rockybalboa]

So recently it has transpired that my DH has been lying (quite considerably) about something work related which has quite a potential impact on our family life (we have 3 DC under 6). He's not Walter White or anything like that but he has deliberately spun me a line about something even under subtle questioning once I started to suss what was going on. I've pulled him up on it tonight and he wasn't really able (or perhaps didn't want) to justify why he has lied when there was no need. He initially tried to keep lying his way out of it to start off with but kind of gave up once like a balloon that had been popped with a pin once I made it clear that I had firm incontrovertible evidence he was lying and that I couldn't understand why he felt the need to lie at all.

I made it very clear that as he has lied about something which ordinarily I would expect to be discussed as part of a normal relationship between two adults then how on earth can I believe anything he has says about anything. Other than looking rather sad and saying he was upset that he had disappointed me, it's kind of been left unresolved and we've had a relatively normal evening albeit with a middling sized elephant sitting in the corner of the room.

What do I do now? How do I/we move on from this? I am going to ask him again tomorrow evening for an update about the work situation and hope that is honest with me this time but who knows whether he will be or not. He has said he's not lied about anything else and isn't planning to leave us and set up home with a cocktail waitress or whatever but how do I actually KNOW?

Any advice would be welcome as my head is spinning a bit with the lies, let alone the implications of the actual situation he's been lying about. One step at a time though...

That's a fucking bizarre way to behave. I'd be very taken aback by it. I don't understand why he didn't mention it to you.

Thank you Cogito, I was slightly surprised by the attitude of some, it helps to know they are always like that!

I do work (4 days a week) in a good professional career which I have put a lot of time and effort into. My salary would be on a par with his had I not dropped to p/t hours after the DC. Because of the fact that we already both have fairly demanding jobs we already have some help in place with cleaners, nanny etc. but this change would definitely leave a huge burden on me both with the family and my own job. And I have just realised that he probably wouldn't see the baby at all Mon-Fri in this new job. Possibly not the middle DC either. I know lots of families live like that because they have to but I can't get my head round the fact that he is willing to make this dramatic change to our lives without talking to me about it.

Thanks cognito, I don't normally bother posting opposing opinion as I know how it goes!

This is not looking good. I think it is a huge shock when you realise that the person in whom you should be able to place absolute trust is capable of lying to your face, even when challenged. How can you trust what they say about ANYTHING after that? You will never truly know whether they are lying or not, because you now know what they are capable of. I wish I could say something more positive, but trust is the bedrock of all good relationships. In that sense, you are right to say that it doesn't matter what the lie is about.

badgering and 50 questions Sticking her nose in wtf.

Hello! They're married! Any chance you missed the bit where she has children with him?

And yes as someone else pointed out this "could" cause a huge rift and more to the point, already has.

I am wondering if he thought this would be a great step up career-wise and anticipated breaking the news to you later on in a triumphant "TA DAH!" fashion. Perhaps hoping once you were dazzled by the salary you'd overlook the glaring gaps in his time at home?
Meanwhile lying by omission or deliberately misleading you to give himself a shot at something he knew might not be received well.

OP he is still lying to you when he says he doesn't know why he lied.

He had his reasons, he just doesn't want to tell you them.

I think that's what's bothering you. Part of you knows he is still lying. You need to talk to him again.

I would have thought he lied because he knew you would not be happy about it and would, probably, not want him to do it.

My DH had v demanding jobs and worked his way up the ladder. At the time I felt he was doing his best for us all, which he was in a way as it always led to higher pay, but now feel it was selfish too.

But what was the option, he stayed in a frustratingly minor role and watched others promoted above him, and he spent more time with the DCs. Or he went for it and we saw less of him.

If you are respectful to DH and don't diss him in front of the DCs then, as my DCs are, they'll be fine. They accepted not seeing him much as normal, he was still involved in their lives.

Don't know what the correct solution is.

I'd allow my h to consider his job. Then liaise with me. He's an individual. IMO thd other attitude is far more "bougeois"

He doesn't see you are a team. Cognito put it very well.

I can't imagine not wanting to discuss my day with my DH. I'd be very upset if he didn't want to talk about his days with me.

You need to find out why, and see if it can be fixed.

That's a massive lie OP - don't let him try to convince you otherwise. It's the equivalent of you going full time and not tell up him until it was agreed.

Well, the thing he seems to have not understood is that he doesn't get to make that kind of change without full discussion and agreement with the other person who would effectively be doing some of this job- ie taking over many of his other responsibilities in order for him to redirect his time. And if I were you, given the clear lack of respect here, I'd be hearing alarm bells about the whole setup, particularly your sacrificing your career advancement in favour of his...and I'd be saying no to the arrangement. If he'd consulted with you like the team you're supposed to be, that would be one thing. If it's clearly a case of every man for himself...then that applies to you both!

"Sticking her nose in" wth!!!!
When I got married I was agreeing to become a partnership. And that means making life changing decisions "together"

I think rockybalboa is upset that he has lied and continues to lie. She said she knew for definite he lied and he still didnt come clean. So I too would be very hurt by this.
Anyone thinking she is wrong clearly isnt reading her posts at all

I really hope u manage to get some answers soon and u can understand why he has lied

Xxxx

Hi again, I agree with previous posters that the crux of the matter isn't necessarily the practical implications of the lie; but rather why he felt he could/ should/ had to lie in the first place.

It speaks of something very troubling in the relationship and you can't really make a judgement until you find out the reason. If he isn't able to satisfactorily articulate a reason, then that's a huge concern.

As I mentioned earlier my DP lied to me about his work, the lie was sustained over months. We managed to come back from it because it was rooted in mental health issues, but we very nearly didn't & it took years to build up trust again.

I agree that more than anything, it says a lot abour how he views to op as a wife, and as himself as part of a family unit.
It's very selfish. Particularly relating to how he will now not see baby or younger dc during the week. He obviosly assumes that these are op's problems and responsibilities and cares little about that.
To not discuss this at all flags up very self centred behaviour.
Do you want to live forever with this man who clearly views you as so beneath him?

If he isn't able to satisfactorily articulate a reason, then that's a huge concern

Yes, this is what you need to focus on OP. He made a considered decision to lie to you and he won't tell you why.

Presumably he thought/knew you would have some kind of objection. But why can't he tell you that? Why can't he be honest with you now and say "I lied because I knew you wouldn't like it and I didn't want to cause an argument", or whatever his reason was.

By saying he doesn't know why he lied, he is continuing to lie to you. So again, you have to ask yourself why.

I think this is all being blown a bit out of proportion. To me it is a white lie. The poor bloke is just trying to do what is best for his family (and let us not forget that the OP already has help with cleaner and nanny!) If i were him and i was getting grief for trying to do right by my wife and kids, i would seriously be considering my options.

I'd go completely batshit over this, I think. It is a massive deal, and don't let him pretend to you that it isn't. It is, he knows it, and that's why he lied to you.

To get so far down the line with something that would change family life so drastically and place a huge burden on you without discussing it or mentioning it is very disrespectful and inconsiderate. He basically expects you to just suck up the consequences of him doing what he wants to.

I bet he was planning to present it to you as a fait accompli. That is very manipulative and it would damage trust for me enormously.

To me it is a white lie.

I don't know, a white lie is usually done to spare someone else's feelings.

The point is, now that OP knows about it, why won't he give her a reason for the white lie. Why say he doesn't know why he lied? It doesn't make any sense unless he is still trying to hide something else from her.

Simontowers: I especially like the bit in your post about how I already have help from the nanny and the cleaner. Not him, just me. Because obviously childcare and housework is 100% my problem being the woman.

Have we gone in a time machine back to the 1950's?!!!

To everyone else who has contributed since my last update, thank you. He is behaving as normal and hasn't mentioned any of it since. I have a nasty feeling he thinks it's all ok now because I know which is rather missing the point somewhat. I still don't know whether he intends to take the job or not (I don't think it would do him any favours in the eyes of the apparently high end agency who recruited him) and the psychology behind choosing to lie about it at all is still unexplored. It's definitely not a LTB situation but obviously there is work to be done on our relationship. We're off on holiday tonight so might not get a chance to update further for a while.

There are some weird posts on here or I have a warped view of what a relationship is. Possible I suppose.

Isn't discussing something as important as a job change something you do as a couple, whether you need to or not. This isn't a casual boyfriend/girlfriend thing, it's a marriage. Do some of you on here really think that the other person shouldn't be involved? I've never vetoed anything my husband has done, mainly because I've not needed to, but I would certainly want to know about it.

Quite, rocky.

But did he actually lie? As in did you ask him and he denied it? Or did he just omit to tell you?

The latter is annoying, presumptuous and inconsiderate, but the former is more sinister. Why would he actually lie about it? There must be a reason he didn't want you to know, rathe than just thinking you're opinion is not important.

My DH lied about taking on a new job, I found out about it when I saw an email from the company agreeing his start date. It was more money but much less secure and he ended up losing the job just over a month later, having ditched a secure job with a household name.

Subsequently, he has also pretended to be working late when he was taking other women out for dinner/drinks and concealed the fact that he had been dismissed for 2 weeks. He also denied (to my face) that he had a secret credit card, when I had already seen the statement and said the tax letters he received were just coding notices, when I know they informed him that he had received a tax rebate of more than 3k.

I know it sounds depressing (it really does sound awful when I write it down!) but just be aware that a man who can lie about one thing could lie about many others. It's about having an attitude of 'I'll do whatever I want' which is not conducive to any sort of relationship.

Bunnies: the former. He lied. Is still lying. Just asked him again.

Doesntaddup: yup, that's what I'm afraid of.

Didn't mean to depress you Rocky, but I wish someone could have spared me the last 10 years

Totally out of order. I am the main earner I discuss any job related stuff that could affect our family with my dh.

How would he feel if you took a job working 5 days a week, with regular weekend travel, so he would to deal with the kids.

Seems like it's the old chestnut, I'm the main earner in the house, little wifey earns less she will deal with the kids/housework/my dirty pants. I will do what is right for me. That is what would piss me off especially when you previously had equal careers.

If he says it's so the family receive more money, would you go back ft and he picks up more house related stuff? Thus you earn more money.