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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate sex

86 replies

Penguin2 · 04/04/2004 17:01

Am I the only one to feel this way? I hate sex. I endured it while we were making our family but now that it is complete, I just don't want sex (though i still like to be with my husband) Does it mean I am with the wrong man?

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 04/04/2004 17:11

I know you're not the only one penguin, there have been threads on this subject recently. Sex matters more to some than others I think, and it's only a problem if there's a big difference between you in that department.

Is your husband unhappy with things as they are?

spacemonkey · 04/04/2004 17:13

I didn't want sex when I was married and, for me, that DID mean I was with the wrong man. But that isn't necessarily the case for you.

Original poster
Penguin2 · 04/04/2004 17:25

Yes he is unhappy about it. He badgers me all the time and when he doesn't I know he is thinking about it! I want to stay with him and feel I should just do "it" with him to keep him happy but that grates against me at the same time. It feels really old fashioned to "lie back and think of England" in this day and age.

OP posts:
HiddenSpirit · 04/04/2004 21:19

Penguin, I was like Spacemonkey, although we weren't married. I could not stand him touching me like that and would think up any excuse not to "do it". That completely changed for me when I met DP, so much so that he calls me his "little nymph"

Now I'm not saying that this is the same case for you. Can I ask a frank question? Do you love your husband? If so, and you are not happy with the way things are regarding this, how about going to relate? Is there anything that you can think of that makes you hate sex? For me, not only was it the fact my ex-prat was beating me/my son up, but also because I had been abused as a child.

It's not right that you should feel you have to have sex, and while I agree that he should respect this, I also understand that he may feel a little rejected.

If you're in a happy relationship with your DH otherwise, then you "lying back and thinking of England" will probably hurt him more than you not wanting to. If you're not happy with your relationship, then some joint councelling may be an idea?

Original poster
Penguin2 · 05/04/2004 17:28

I am trying to reply but can't get the d***d computer to work!

OP posts:
Original poster
Penguin2 · 05/04/2004 17:31

At last success.
Basically, I have typed this 3 times now, so here is a short version:
I don't know if I love my H as we are so bogged down with kids and mundane things.
I wish I had someone who made me feel like a nymph, hence I keep asking myself if I am with the right man.
Nothing specific has put me off sex but I did have a bit of a repressed upbringing and I find it hard to be a sexual person.
Thabks for replying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penguin2 · 05/04/2004 17:33

Forgot one last but very important thing:
I imagine counselling would be the right thing for us but I could never talk to anyone about this face to face, hence I am using mumsnet.

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 05/04/2004 17:54

Have you never liked sex penguin, or is it something that has happened since you've been married?

linzoid · 05/04/2004 17:54

penguin, i totally sympathise with you as i am in the same situation and it's causing alot of rows. Sorry i don't have anything to add that could help but i hope things improve for you

Easy · 05/04/2004 17:59

Penguin,

Have you had other partners, and did you feel this way about sex with them.

Are you sexual by yourself (Sorry, I know it's embarrassing). Does anything arouse you?

It may be that you are just an asexual person. I believe that quite a few people are, but the media make us believe that everyone pants for it all the time, so that minority feel ashamed and abnormal.

If however you are "arousable", then perhaps you would benefit from some sort of therapy. You and dh would, I guess, need to develop things very slowly, to find out what would work for you. You really would need to work with a professional to sort it out. But if you love dh, and he loves you perhaps you could find the patience and will to make this (very important) part of your marriage work

lavender1 · 05/04/2004 18:03

So sorry you're feeling like this penguin. From personal experience know what it's like to be with a dh/ who wants sex when you don't and all that wanting to be grabbed all the time...I don't really have any advice as have same problem self and can't seem to sort it out...just wondered if when you first met you enjoyed it, as often the passion can die when responsibility, children, day to day living kicks into play...do you ever have any time away on your own without any husband/children, as know it can affect things if you don't....Please keep talking as this sort of thread has appeared a few times and many mumsnetters were kindly able to give advice....keep posting Lavxxx

Slink · 05/04/2004 18:46

Penguin i am on the other side, dh doesn't want sex and I want it all the time (especially as i want another babe.) Dh tells me he loves me and i get kisses and cuddles and everything else is great, and i am happy i just miss sex, he is the first one for me but in our 10yrs of marriage the last four have been when he is in the mood (and thatnkfully dd came along)
This may be of no help at all but dh and i get in fine he has had other partners before me (bastard oops can i say that) but hey sex isn't everything.

But if your your doubting your relationship then thats something else.

Good luck send your man to me....................

reallyembarrassedbut · 05/04/2004 19:03

mentioned this messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlclashing/ in the other thread (www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=21557&stamp=040405132227) - again, it miht help, if only to see that this is not unusual

Original poster
Penguin2 · 07/04/2004 16:10

Thanks to everyone for bothering with my problem. It is especially comforting to know that there are others out there in the same predicament. I don't know why I said that! I wouldn't wish this on anyone! Linzoid and lavender: I know you said you can't offer advice because you are in the same situation, but I would love to know what you do to get through. I don't want to pry, but do you do "it" and how often? Do you do it to oblige?
To everybody else, yes I do masturbate (when there is time which isn't often) and I have always felt this way about sex except for when I was trying for a family when the urge to be pregnant kind of made up for lack of liking.

OP posts:
HiddenSpirit · 07/04/2004 21:03

Penguin, to me it's not so much you don't like sex, as you masterbate & I think if you truly didn't like sex you wouldn't want to masterbate either.

It could be that you are with the wrong person, or it could be because of your upbringing. I'm not saying give up on your marriage btw

Could you possibly go back the sort of "dating" stage with H? Obviously you would still be in the same house though. Then work slowly from there with no pressure at all to have sex; would H be willing to do that?

I know you say you couldn't talk to anyone about this, but if you dig deep inside yourself and find that you do love your H then it may be worth going for some counselling, no matter how embarrased you feel (I know I would feel the same as you in that regard) as they will be trained to help put you at ease. This could be very beneficial as it may release any underlying causes for you not wanting sex too.

Sorry if I'm not helping any, but I am thinking of you

linzoid · 14/04/2004 22:24

Hi Penguin2. At the moment i'm getting thru v badly iykwim. We are on the verge of splitting up as we have been many times. I have tried to go along with it for the sake of the relationship, thinking i can't let my family split because of this when i could just get on with it ( wanting the best for my boys) more recently though i have not been able to do that no matter how much i have thought it the best thing to do, hence the bad time i'm having at the mo. What do you do?

808state · 15/04/2004 07:43

Hi Penguin,

I don't think you hate sex but are probably feeling very confused and perhaps somewhat guilty about this whole issue of sex.

I read in one of your earlier messages that you had a bit of a repressed upbringing and to me that said it all. If your parents gave you the impression for instance that "sex is dirty" and "nice girls say no" then of course this has transferred to your relationship now.

You can break this cycle and I feel you should seek some sort of help from a sex therapist or relationship counsellor to help you talk it through (and you can go on your own). I realise you say you cannot talk to anybody about this but these people have seen many such cases before so any potential feelings of embarrassment should be put to one side. I think you want help for this.

Good luck to you

HiddenSpirit · 15/04/2004 09:33

How's things going Penguin? You ok?

littleweed · 16/04/2004 09:44

so glad to find out I'm not alone!! ahve no sex drive adn absolutely no inclination despite having a loing husband. Couldn't care less if I never did it again - well obviuosly I could care a littel bit or wouldn't be writing this! also would like another baby adn immaculate conception is looking like teh only way! baby now 6 months adn ahve done 'it' once in that time. have never had high sex drive - don't masturbate, no fantasies about Brad Pitt/Danny Devito :-))etc but feel such afailure adn unfit wife! husbadn very busy at work so luckily(?) also too knackered to haev much interest. our vbedtimes adn waking times are completely differnt thanks to baby which also doesn't help. freind suggested teh odd glass of wine to relax me but haven't drunk since breastfeeding adn also so knacjkered myself it would just send me to sleep! the only thing that nakes me think its me adn not teh relationship/wrong man is the fact that I don't want sex with anyone . feel better for getting this off my chest adn SO releived to know that not everyone is doing it 5 times a night! Little weed

molly2 · 16/04/2004 10:15

I saw a television show recently where there was a couple in the situation where the husband and wife weren't having a 'healthy' sexual relationship as the wife wasn't keen at all on being intimate. One thing she said stayed with me about the fact that now she was a mother and she felt almost guilty 'using' her body for pleasure instead of nurturing. From a personal point of view I was quite comfortable with making love with my husband until we started having difficulties becoming pregnant. Then 'it' became just the means to an end so to speak and now after 4 years and finally conceiving and in the midst of raising our 14 month old, I still feel the same way - although I haven't had the guts to tell dh this.

dad1 · 16/04/2004 13:38

Maybe a male perspective would be helpful. For us, sexual relations and emotional intimacy are bound up with each other. If your male partner is being denied the release (and that is the most appropriate word), then he will feel pent-up and even aggressive. Even if you have intercourse, it will be like offering food to a starving man: it will be seized readily, with no attention to quality. I expect that puts off a tentative female participant, but that's how it works. In the longer term, holding back will lead to a roving eye and doubts about the partnership. That's not all in the mind - it's physical. The prostate gland keeps going regardless of the female partner's attitude.

reallyembarrassedbut · 17/04/2004 08:34

Dad1 is pretty close, but it can go another way - as Mrs Reallyembarrassedbut and I have both realised (but of course not talked about) that we are never going to get intimate again, we have stopped touching each other in any way, her because I think she no longer feels the need, and me because I don't want that feeling when she recoils from me because she thinks I want to make love.

It's not good Penguin, talk to him about it before it is too late.

Original poster
Penguin2 · 17/04/2004 16:14

I'm still here and reading everyone's words, but haven't time to answer at the mo as have been away for a week and am bogged down with cleaning, washing etc after the hol. Plus, that time of the month and feeling awful but that is another subject...!
Special hello to Little Weed. From what you wrote, I feel we are kindred spirits.
Nothing to report - still no sex, no chance of going to a counsellor, no conversation on the subject with H, no energy, no desire, blah, blah blah.

OP posts:
808state · 17/04/2004 19:59

Penguin,

This comment from you saddens me no end because its like you have given up before you have tried to start the healing process. Such fatalism on the part of yourself will get you nowhere.

Why do you say no chance of going to see a counsellor?. Are you really afraid of talking to someone?. You should not be, they have seen it all before and will not be embarrassed or pass judgment about your situation.

Please consider seeking help.

littleweed · 19/04/2004 09:00

dear penguin
are you still able to show affection to your other half? the only thing that kepes me going sometimes is that fact that we do still have a kiss and a cuddle most evenings - even if it is only 2 minutes, adn I always move away if I think it might go any further). so he knows i do still care about him even if thats as far as it goes! i have debted going to counselling on my own (as it seesm to be my probelm) but really feel that it would be a waste of time as all i would say is that I don't like sex, and don't really want any - what could they say to me? (apart from teh fact that I'm a selfish cow and don't deserve my DH.)