I hate sex

[Penguin2]

Am I the only one to feel this way? I hate sex. I endured it while we were making our family but now that it is complete, I just don't want sex (though i still like to be with my husband) Does it mean I am with the wrong man?

lemonade that is so sad I could not cope with that kind of relationship. I really need my dh cuddles and affection. Some people need more than others and some take what they need from their children but you sound very sad and you can't live your one and only life feeling so unloved.

I understand the difficulty - I was in a sexless marriage for years too. Life's just too short to be that miserable. I'm sorry to be blunt, but in my opinion it's a bad example to set the children, and you should get out and seek some happiness with someone who is right for you.

Mambo/spacemonkey - Thanks for your messages. I don't know what to do about my marriage. One word answer, please: should I start a new thread and ask for help? I don't want to take over this one.

yes

Spacemonkey - Thanks. Will do it soon. xx

reallyembarrassedbut, you've still got It (sex appeal that is) if you had to turn down other offers. It must be very difficult for you feeling somewhat rejected by your wife and she's obviously going through (hopefully just ) a phase of not wanting sny intimacy with you (or anybody else). lemonade, I can sympathise with your position up to a point. Mt dh is a wonderful men and still buys me lots of expensive gifts. But for a very long time now, I haven't felt close to him. It just slowly went downhill: from coming home slightly irritated from work and not in a mood for a kiss and it's got to the stage when i don't get any hugs, kisses, cuddlles all these little gestures that make you feel like you belong to someone close. Our sex life it's pretty minimal (doesn't happen very often and when it does there's nothing memorable about it). I have always been very careful about my appearance and do all the nice things (wearing pretty matching underware, have nice hair , paint my toenails, nice clothes etc) but he just doesn't notice me. it's like i'm invisible. Although I know I don't look like a supermodel, I am aware that I look well above average and often attract glances from the opposite sex, so at least i know i'm still attractive. Unfortunatelly my DH doesn't seem to think that anymore and he's often too tired/busy etc for romance of any kind. I often initiate it and he refuses. When he's the one interested (invariably only when in bed before going to sleep - how imaginative is that?!) i always go for it as i feel so deprived of sex i have no reson to refuse it. I have been very tempted to have an affair, but didn't go through with it because it wouldn't have been right to DH. I have no idea how it will evolve, at the moment it doesn't feel like i have a reliable source of intimacy and am grateful for what little i get sometimes. It's not easy. have to stop here, dd screaming because she wants to go on the computer.

Branster - Thanks for your message. It has made me stop and think. You do put more time and effort into your appearance than me, and I've now asked myself if I should have tried/ should be trying harder. I do still look quite attractive despite now being 2 stone heavier due to a medical problem. I'm still only a size 16 and am quite tall. I make an effort to dress well. My dh likes the natural look and that's my style.
I have initiated sex so often and been refused most of the time. When it did happen (every couple of months) I found that I felt like a tart not a wife as I was pushed away straight afterwards. I'd hate for you to be like me in a few years' time. Your marriage is still salvageable. I don't think mine is, though it's so hard to say it's over, and much harder to go through with a divorce. Do you still love him? If so, do you tell him? What does he say back? I used to ask dh to tell me, but he'd only do it when asked and said it felt false. I don't love him any more, but I can't bring myself to say it. I don't want to be the bad guy that says it's over. Our children are nearly secondary school age. I can't hide it much longer, they're getting wise to body language, dd especially. He's currently on holiday abroad and is due back tomorrow. I haven't missed him at all. I never do. It's my favourite week of the year. Doesn't sound good, does it?

oh lemonade. thsi is sooo difficult. yes, i do tell him i love hime ( i think i still love him, i know i worship him and think he's teh god of universe) and he never tells me he loves me. when i ask he either doesn't say anything or says a very dry 'yes' which doesn't actually mean anything. he just doesn't make me feel like i'm the centre of his world anymore. and same here, after sex, i never get at least a cuddle, and i just feel like he's only done it because i'm the nearest half-decent thing to hand for the job. it just feels awful. and i always feel like i'm the more adventurous one, and sometimes i'm embarred of suggesting anything different, becuse of his lack of interest. how can this be? a fit, handsome man like him, not interested in sex. not as much as i would have thought a man ought to be. last night, again, before going to bed i put on one of my nice undewear (i don't go for the ott stuff by the way, just in case you think i'm some sex addict , just classy stuff), i was all nice and pretty, just didmy brazilian wax again (not that this impress him either) and went up to him all loving and nice etc, just to be turn away, quite rudely i thought. i was so upset, i went to bed nearly crying, i'm young, look OK why can't i get laid properly??!! today, i sunbathed in the garden , he was doing some work on the computer and came to see him, strted touching him gently and he just turned me away again. i even tried pretending not to be interested in sex (reverse therepy) and that didn't work. i just feel like i'm wasting myself like this. i so long to be held lovingly and like he really means it. and to be intimate with me , not just for sex, but in our dayly life, like when we're in the car he used to touch my legs, and glance at me, that sort of thing. it just never happens. sometimes i feel so ugly and unsexy because of him and really feel like telling him: there would be so many men wishing they were in your shoes right now., but i would never hurt him by saying something like this to him. sometimes i wonder why do i bother. it doesn't seem to work. i really miss good, satisfying regular sex. is that too much to ask for?

would you consider having an affaire lemonade?

reallyembarrassedbut - has your dw been treated for depression at any time, or is she being treated for it currently?

lemonade, i think it would be a very good idea to start a different thread on dissapoint with my sex life or simmilar, this is Penguin2' thread i must apologise to her for getting so many messages in hear. i'm really sorry penguin2. And i was also wondering what did you do since your last messages? Are you still feeling like you have to give in just for love although you don't actally feel like it? I've been thinking of you, and you're obviously interested in sex, but not with your dh for some reason. What could he do differently so you change your mind? Do you fantasize about anybody else on this matter?

something - i think so, a long time ago, but she doesn't talk about it - she doesn't talk to me about much though anymore

Branster - I've started a new thread: Relationships: "Disappointed with your sex life?" on 18.5.04 at 9.53am.

Penguin2 - I'm sorry for posting lots of messages on your thread. Hopefully, though, Branster and I have shown that the problem doesn't go away by itself. It needs to be addressed early enough in order to save the relationship. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. I hope things work out for you and the others who have posted on this thread. l xx

reallyemb - I'm conscious of hijacking someone elses thread here too, but if you are interested in talking further then I'd be happy to talk more on a separate thread. Your dw sounds so similar to me and my problems and I'm just wondering if they've got buried so deep that she can't face coping with them anymore - it can feel easier to pretend there are no problems.

Penguin2 - I do hope you manage to resolve your problems - as you can see, your thread has brought people (like me) with similar problems, out of the woodwork.

Hello everybody. Sorry I missed all this but I don't always get on the computer. Gosh there seems to be a lot of miserable sex lives out there just like mine. My dh and I have been getting on quite well of late, but I have to admit I still haven't had the courage to have sex again. I appreciate what you have all been saying - that if I don't do something, my marriage is heading for disaster - but I have to say, it hasn't got as bad as some of the things you have been suffering. My dh and I do cuddle and support each other emotionally. There aren't many "I love you" s but I don't think either of us has many doubts about each other's love. Still.... when Branster asked about if I fantasise about anyone else, oh! how my heart turned over! I do find it really difficult to be turned on by my dh alone. My fantasy partner is everything! That sounds bad doesn't it? I'm going to keep trying at the sex and will definitely post if I get anywhere.

Finally managed to do "it" last night. It wasn't great sex by anybody's standards but any sex is greats ex in this household!

Sorry, that should be great sex not greats ex!

Hi Penguin2! Sorry, again I haven't got time to write much (same on the other thread). So basically, you are a sexual person (enjoy sex, can be satified through it, no personal hang-ups about the subject), you like DH v. much (all the little things you do for him prove it) he likes/loves you (attentive, caring towards you). Am i wrong in assuming you are not attracted to him in an intimate way, you don't crave to be with him in a sexual manner, you don't fantasise about different things you'd like to do to him & him to you; although you're comfortable with him. Maybe you're not compatible in this area or maybe he's not what you really, really want from a man in bed. How do you think the situation is going to evolve? Or are you not too bothered about how things are? All the above are just ideas going through my head since raeding your message. Sorry if they have no rael answers for you but I thought it's worth sharing them with you.

PS So, who do fantasize about?! Is it someone you know personally or some celebrity? Just curious...

Hi Branster - no, basically one error in what you say: I don't enjoy sex really at all. I can't decide whether it is because my dh does nothing for me sexually or whether I would be the same with virtually anyone.
Sometimes I do think of things I would like to try in bed (nothing very kinky, just the usual stuff probably) but I find it virtually impossible to express that even to dh. Basically, imagine some repressed Victorian / Edwardian woman and that is probably me! (Except that I do have orgasms and insist on one every time we have sex)
As for my fantansies - well, that would be telling! They are very personal and I prefer not to say anything more. It is almost as if I feel telling anyone about them would spoil them. Certain celebreties turn me on but the actual fantasies tend to be more situations rather than specific people.
You know, there is something helpful about just writing this down!

If you seek out an orgasm at every opportunity you get [true, maybe because there aren't that many opportunities, you might just as well make them count. with ref. to one of my earlier messages on this thread, in my personal case i really enjoy the thrill of a quickie even if i don't orgasm all the time in such situations, if i get satisfaction from other good sessions, so in actual fact i just love sex and don't mind if i don't always get to the top of the scale as it were but this desire needs to be sustained by meaningful intimate sex. it's difficult to put it into words but hopefully you'll understand what i mean. and i repeat that's my personal reaction and have no idea how other women feel ] then you must enjoy something there. i can't work out why you say you don't enjoy sex. maybe there's something else you don't enjoy but you attribute that to sex. i keep going on about this, i know, but i'm intrigued about what is going on with you and wish i could make a difference. i read somewhere - can't rember where, must have been one of those women's magazines so you're never sure how reliable they are - that in some cases people keep being faithfull in a reltionship because they think they can't do any better. if that's so, i suppose it can be applied to any aspect of a couple's life: finance, appearances, sex, friendship, trust etc. What do you think?

as for fantasies, i understand the 'situations' thing. i have to admit that i also start various scenarios/fantasies based around different situations. i either forget about them, or if they become more persistent i end up adding a specific male partner -mostly dh but found myself fantasising about somebody else at times but to my relief i didn't think about them whilst being in bed with DH. It would have worried me terribly if that was the case. Still, i can't promise it will stay like this forever. Again, nothing OTT, maybe a bit more adventurous than what i have on offer, but nothing scary. thank god!

I'm old fashioned here and don't want to put people's backs up, but I think too many marriages end in divorce. It seems to me that poeple hop out of relationships too quickly and for really trivial reasons. A part of me loves being a martyr, I suppose, but I admire couples who stick together even though they are not 100% suited. I don't know about whether I could do better with someone else. I think that is a case of the grass seeeming greener on the other side.

you are a very wise lady! you seem to be quite realistic about what you are doing and about what to expect. you also appear to be at peace with yourself and the world around you. a well balanced person - wether through your upbringing or your own experienced, i do not know. in reality, probably most married couples are not 100% in tune (probably not even 80%. me and dh are one of those couples)one way or another. maybe i am being naive or maybe i'm just stuboorn , i don't know yet, but i found myself wanting things to change for my benefit and also want to be happier (things that make me happier don't happen around here). the original question here was whether anybody else find tehmselves doing little things to please their partenres - especially sex- and i distracted you from that particular question in a way. but still, i hope you gained something out of it, as you say, it feels good to just write about it...

Do you ever find yourself becoming too wrapped up in a fantasy world? If things aren't 100% right with you and your dh, how do you get through the tough times? I sometimes smother myself in a fantasy to escape from reality and I can't work out whether this is a good thing to do or not.
Also, despite what I said about divorce being too easy, I also wonder whether I will regret not seeking out happiness more selfishly when I look back on my life when I am old. I mean, we only get one chance at life, don't we?
It is flattering of you to say I seem at peace with myself and the world around me. With myself - yes, I know I am mentally strong in that respect - but I wouldn't say I am at peace with the world around me