Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If they're "suicidal"/depressed after a break up it's not your fault is it?

48 replies

CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/08/2014 09:06

Ex had lots of chances that he didn't take but have been hearing through mutual friends that he's really low even 2 months later and suicidal etc.

He says he loved me and DS more than this and that etc but he didn't treat me right when he had the chance so I decided I deserved better and left. He's not DS's dad. We were together 1 1/2 yrs, and he's acting like it was a ten year marriage or something and I've ruined him Hmm

If he were to actually kill himself it wouldn't be my fault would it? Started seeing someone else and he's found out somehow and thinks it's really wrong to do so after only 2 months apparantly. But I mentally broke up with him a month before we split and got over it fairly quickly.

Struggling with depression myself (been very serious in the past and been in hospital etc) so just wanted to post because I can barely think straight. Was up half the night with this crap Brew

OP posts:
ravenmum · 13/08/2014 09:12

If you made it a clean break, i.e. didn't mess around with your partner's head for months before and take on a lover like my worm of a husband, then no, you've acted decently and can't be blamed for something which, though devastating, is a risk you always take when you enter a relationship.

80sMum · 13/08/2014 09:14

No, it absolutely would not be your fault.

Quitelikely · 13/08/2014 09:15

Unless you assist him then legally no. Morally I don't know though. It would depend on how you had behaved since the split I guess

ouryve · 13/08/2014 09:16

No. Not your fault.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/08/2014 09:18

He wanted us to try and be friends but turned up out of the blue at my house after I asked him not to. It got so bad and so many of his friends/family were harassing me that I called the police, who gave him a caution. He still wants to be friends later down the line according to mutual friends though!

He did it out of just being really upset etc rather than abusive or anything but it just scared me after he turned up unnanounced and wouldn't leave when I asked him to. Initially we were going to try and stay friends but that went beyond what I could handle.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/08/2014 09:20

I don't know what to think. I've been suicidal because of bullying before but would never have considered it their fault if I had gone through with it. I just got very sick as a result but suicide would have been my action. But then I feel like it's my fault he's sick because I split with him IYSWIM?

But then, people leave people all the time and it doesn't make them suicidal. A break up is a risk you take when you enter one isn't it? So I don't know if he's telling friends to get at me or if he's really that bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/08/2014 09:21

I haven't been trying to confuse him or anything though. I've been pretty clear that there would never be another chance for us etc.

OP posts:
poupeedeson · 13/08/2014 09:24

Oh I think I read your last thread. No, not your fault or responsibility in anyway. It's a guilt tripping tactic, you have no obligation or duty to get involved. Any harm he comes to is his own doing.

Someone pulled this stunt with me once. It is nothing but a stunt to make you feel bad

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/08/2014 09:28

yeah, I snooped on his facebook and it's all how 'awesome' he's doing (probably a front but still). He's been in hospital from not eating or drinking since then (he put that on fb) but since then seems to have been out loads having fun. It's just hard to know. I did post about him before yes, under the same name.

OP posts:
YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 13/08/2014 09:37

No, not your fault unless you were running him down telling him he was useless etc for weeks on end before or you actually told him to do it or helped in some way.

Going further than that, in case your thread title attracts people who are with a suicidal partner, staying with them just because they are threatening to kill themselves if you leave is not a time to stay, it is a time to leave and will get them more help. Get them in the system so they have the right numbers to call, have their parents look in on them/look after them if really that desparate but their actions are their own responsibility. Don't reward an emotional blackmailer.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/08/2014 09:58

If someone's depressed or suicidal they need professional help. If you have serious reason to believe he's about to harm himself or others, call in the emergency services. If he succeeds in harming himself, it's his responsibility. Otherwise, cut contact with this person because it sounds like they are simply using very heavy duty emotional manipulation for their own ends. You say you've been bullied in the past. Threats of self-harm designed to influence someone else through guilt can often be another form of bullying.

"If You Leave Me I'll Kill Myself" ... old thread that you might find interesting

poupeedeson · 13/08/2014 10:17

How is this information about his current state getting to you? Is it other people telling you? You need to tell them to mind their own business, as being with him would sacrifice your own happiness.

It may help you to go cold turkey on the snooping - can you block his account so that you can no longer view it?

And if anyone tries to guilt trip you by telling you how badly he is taking it, just keep repeating that the relationship was not working for you and you had to end it for your own well-being. Do not engage be sympathetic or anything, just be blunt and have a blank look on your face. The threats are most likely empty ones and he will not follow through. If you do not react, he will not go on to kill himself, he will either turn aggressive, angry that he hasn't got a reaction out of you, or (eventually, hopefully) get bored and leave you alone

ravenmum · 13/08/2014 10:17

When you start a relationship you obviously don't know the person well, so wouldn't sign an agreement saying "I will only enter this relationship upon condition that we never, ever break up". Of course you might break up. It's how you go about it that makes all the difference. You seem to have broken up with him in a mature way, without being nasty.

It's nice of you to worry about him, but you have no more responsibility than you would to any friend or stranger you knew was thinking about suicide. Sounds like his family and friends are already there for him.

wyrdyBird · 13/08/2014 10:27

I remember your last thread CBS. He stalked you and wouldn't take no for an answer.
Because the police warned him off, this is the last manipulative trick he has up his sleeve. Please don't fall for it. It's a very cruel way to manipulate someone, and it's not that uncommon, sadly.

I would stay away from FB and tell the mutual friends he needs to get help, and that you don't need to hear about him. Be matter of fact.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 13/08/2014 10:39

Okay. My stbx has attempted suicide recently. We've been separated over a year. He is now insisting he wants us to get back together and I've been very clear it's not going to happen. His response? "I'll win you back no matter how long it takes." Hmm Um, no you won't. I worried initially that he might get upset over being knocked back again over a reconciliation, but I have to remind myself that he is an adult, that he is not my responsibility, and he is responsible for his own actions. I'm not cruel or nasty about it, just very honest and open that I'm not willing to consider a reconciliation.

So no, you're not responsible.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/08/2014 13:12

My DM's partner is friends with him on fb as are a few loose aquiantances. Have asked close friends not to tell me anything unless it's vital so had heard nothing for quite some time.

Feel better for posting. It's just horrid to think 'well if he does, it was the break up that did it'/

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 13/08/2014 13:17

No. If he does, it's because he's made that decision himself. It was NOT the break up that did it. People break up all the time, without suicide as a result. I know how it's a concern (am dealing with a similar situation right now), but you have to hold on to the thought that he is responsible for his own decisions.

GoatsDoRoam · 13/08/2014 13:19

Not your fault. He's a grown man? He can reach out for professional help if he needs it.

Stop looking at his FB updates (unfollow/unfriend him), don't entertain any notions of "being friends" with him, and when mutual friends start to tell you about him, cut them off with "I do not want to hear about ex, thanks."

It's emotional manipulation. He is responsible for his own well-being; you are not.

EarthWindFire · 13/08/2014 13:20

No I don't think you are responsible if you didn't cheat/were abussive and that was the reason for the breakup.

Just don't use it against him iyswim

My DP when his marriage ended after his exs affairs did contemplate suicide but that was to do with not seeing his children rather than the breakdown of his marriage that was the catalyst... However he has suffered depression on and off over the years.

What she did was 'use' it against him which I'm sure you wouldn't do.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 13/08/2014 13:33

The OP is not responsible even if she DID cheat on him or was abusive. Even if she was shitty to him.

Suicide is a personal choice made by someone who, in many instances, is making a decision based on a distorted reality often driven by depression or other factors.

My stbx was abusive and cheated. He's been horrible to me. If I attempted or committed suicide, it would still not be his fault, as I would have made that decision. (I'm not going to, just using it as an example)

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/08/2014 13:36

He's blocked from my fb. Has ben for some time.

Ex is having CBT and had issues when we were together (anger issues, never violent though). So logically, I know the break up isn't the cause, it's his own issues. Like when I was sick. Normal, well people don't actually consider suicide as a suitable option for solving problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/08/2014 13:37

(or use it as a stick to beat their exes with, whichever one he's doing).

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 13/08/2014 13:50

Look, this cock won't kill himself. Unfortunately. People like him never do - they would much prefer to hang around being a fucking nuisance.

(and before anybody starts with the waa, waa, depression is an illness and Robin Williams just hung himself - go and read the OP's other thread. Her Xp is a childish, manipulative, abusive waste of oxygen; she has had to involve the police after he stalked her and tried to force his way into her house.)

Just ignore him, Charlie. He doesn't matter.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/08/2014 13:54

Thanks SGB

Have gotten quite ill since the split as other bad things have happened (illness in the family and money things) so am just looking at everything through fog at the moment. It's embarassing even posting about it but I just needed to feel like I could confidantly dissmiss it as 100% not my issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/08/2014 13:54

(By ill I just mean depressed again, sleep is all haywire and panic attacks have come back but I've seen the GP since then and am getting back to normal).

OP posts: