If they're "suicidal"/depressed after a break up it's not your fault is it?

[CharlieBrookerScowl]

Ex had lots of chances that he didn't take but have been hearing through mutual friends that he's really low even 2 months later and suicidal etc.

He says he loved me and DS more than this and that etc but he didn't treat me right when he had the chance so I decided I deserved better and left. He's not DS's dad. We were together 1 1/2 yrs, and he's acting like it was a ten year marriage or something and I've ruined him

If he were to actually kill himself it wouldn't be my fault would it? Started seeing someone else and he's found out somehow and thinks it's really wrong to do so after only 2 months apparantly. But I mentally broke up with him a month before we split and got over it fairly quickly.

Struggling with depression myself (been very serious in the past and been in hospital etc) so just wanted to post because I can barely think straight. Was up half the night with this crap

Nope. If this idiot kills himself (he won't) it won't be your fault, it would be his choice.

SGB I don't think RW was brought into this at all. I just don't like to see people saying "oh well it wasn't your fault if you didn't cheat on him blah blah" because that's just bullshit. It isn't the OP's fault PERIOD. No matter what she does, assuming he has made a genuine threat, it's STILL not her fault. If he's just making threats to be manipulative, it's STILL not her fault.

Basically, it's not her fault.

Alice has obviously had to think this whole thing through a lot more than the rest of us and I'm certainly willing to listen and learn. I guess I am confusing actual responsibility with being blamed for something. But thinking about it more carefully, if I decided to kill myself now that my husband left me, that would indeed be because I felt bad about myself - and that's something I've always felt, before I met my husband - and something that another person treated the same way by my husband might not feel.

Know what you mean Raven. If I'd been succesful in my post-teen-bullying attempt then it would have been because of how I felt about myself, not because of the bullies. They bullied lots of people. I just took it all extra personally and internalized it.

Ex is certainly living in a distorted reality. Has been since before we got together and that's his issue. Not mine. Part of me is sure it's just a disgusting way to manipulate me through other people (again) but I can't be certain and just need to make sure that even if he did I wouldn't blame myself.

ravenmum thanks. I look at it that my stbx is responsible for treating me badly. But the responsibility ends there. How I react to his behaviour is MY responsibility IMO.

Just like if I shout at my stbx, and he punches me. I'm responsible for shouting at him, but HE is responsible for how he reacts to it.

We are ALWAYS responsible for our own decisions and actions IMO.

oh god charlie this jerk is still being a class A jerk isn't he?

No it's not your fault in any way shape or form. Either it's another attempt to manipulate you (remember how many red flags there were during the relationship?) or your friends are simply being unhelpful.

It is not your responsibility. It's his. And it's pretty fucking mean of him to start saying this shit to people he knows are mutual friends of yours. Suicide threats are a seriously low trick by someone without respect for himself or anyone else.

As others have said, ask people not to mention his name to you. I'd suggest actually walking away if they don't respect that. Literally walking away. They'll sharp get the message.

I hope the rest of your life takes a turn for the easier.

Thanks. And yes, 2 months later it's still a pain in my arse. Imagine if we'd been together any longer though!? Thank god I broke up with him when I did. 1 1/2 years too late really

No matter how you broke up it wouldn't be your fault as such if someone took their own life, it is their choice BUT if the nature of the split has seen you being nasty, abusive etc. then that would be something your conscience would need to deal with.
Threatening to commit suicide is a way of clawing back control and is (can be ) used as a tool to "get your own way".
I do get why people would feel suicidal after a split taking into account depression etc. but if anyone feels this way seeking help from a professional is the way.

I did manage to hear nothing for a few weeks recently though. Going on holiday at the end of this week though anway, thank god.

I have had trouble sleeping in the last eight months and have tried taking sleeping tablets on a few occasions when I needed not to feel half-awake the next day. But with one type of tablet I realised afterwards that they made me feel very low, thinking obsessively about death (rather than suicide). During one of those low days I wrote to my husband asking him to take our teenagers and do something with them as I couldn't stop thinking about death and wasn't being a great mother. He ignored my request.

Now I'm thinking that maybe he just thought I was trying to make him feel bad. He already thinks I'm a manipulative bitch, so I wouldn't be surprised if he was interpreting it like that. I guess that if I get in that position again I will have to actually tell him I'm not blaming him for my feeling so shit. Useful point to read about!

Ah yes. I've tried to avoid sleeping tablets and am on Mirtazipine (a strong sedative as well as an AD that you take at night). Sleeping tablets only work very very temporarily and make me groggy and more depressed the next day. Defeats the object a tad! Hope you feel better soon.

I know I sound like a bit of a sucker but it's just hard to judge anything reasonably when you're ill and sleep deprived. Hopefully I won't hear anything else from anyone else. I did say to DM's partner as he was halfway through saying what he'd seen on fb to stop and that I didn't want to know. DM thinks I was being OTT but I just don't want to know a thing. Not even the harmless crap.

Don't blame you! Your DM's partner seems to think it's a nice bit of juicy gossip rather than a painful reminder about a life you're trying to leave behind you.

He's just clueless. I think he thought I'd be glad to hear he was (apparantly) doing ok. I hate facebook. And I dont want to know.

If you broke up ten years ago you had none of this shit to deal with

Totally not your fault.

What does he expect? That he can guilt trip you into staying with him FOR EVER, even if you don't love him and aren't happy in the relationship?

It's not being "just clueless" to turn up at your home. It's having zero regard for you, your comfort, or any boundaries that do not suit him.

You are being very generous in your assessment of him, OP. And still (imo) far too concerned for his wellbeing. Detach, detach, detach: what he thinks, says or does is none of your concern now.

it's just hard to judge anything reasonably when you're ill and sleep deprived

oh god yes. yes

oh god yes. sometimes I can't speak coherently!

Aha. Hope you get some good rest soon

The sleep is levelling out thank god but it's been a rough few weeks for lots of reasons. My luck will pick up though i'm sure. I'll bloody make it!

Had a much better evening. Saw a great friend. Had a good chat. Ex is ex's problem. Not mine. He's older than me! So if I can take responsibility for/fully own my actions then so can he.

And thank god it ended when it did.

No it wouldn't be your fault. I'd stop speaking to mutual friends about him. If they broach the subject just say it's completeley over between you and you hope he gets the help he needs. Then refuse to discuss it anymore.

You sound like you've killed this lie that your illness has told you? 2 months is plenty long enough to move on, even if you HADN'T already ended things before you actually ended them.

In case you haven't: 100% not your problem. Tell your worries and mutual "friends" to STFU (to you AND to not tell your ex anything about you! ) and enjoy your holiday!

glad you had a good evening, exactly what you say, you're responsible for your own actoins, he's responsible for his.

Onwards and upwards