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'If you leave me I'll kill myself'....

(248 Posts)
CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 12:43:50

Indulge me MN-ers. How many of you had that threatened at some point when you were leaving an abusive bully and how many of the abusive bullies are still with us today?

Fairylea Thu 02-Jan-14 12:45:02

My ex said this. He also said he'd kidnap dd and take her to Thailand and I'd never see her again.

He is still here.

And she is with me and he barely makes any effort to see her.

TurnipCake Thu 02-Jan-14 12:45:58

Two ex-boyfriends (one was abusive) threatened to kill themselves. One actually gave me the month he was going to do it in (when I was due to go travelling and ya know, get my life back without him)

They're both still alive. Thank goodness for that.

ThePost Thu 02-Jan-14 12:46:17

"Good, it's much less paperwork than a divorce." That'll sort it.

StarlightMcKingsThree Thu 02-Jan-14 12:47:12

I've had this. It is horrible but another person's actions are their choice alone and telling them that should be the last thing you tell them as you close the door with them the other side.

I haven't personally had this. But. There was a young traveller man who hanged himself in my Mum's area, when she was a local councillor (how she knew about it all) after threatening to kill himself if his wife left him - she did, he did. But the travelling community have a different set of honour values, don't they (and this is NOT A GOADY COMMENT) so it's probably not representative, nor do I have any idea whether or not he was abusive.

Annonynon Thu 02-Jan-14 12:49:11

My ex did this. I took him seriously the first time he said it (I was very young) the next time I just looked at him with this exact expression hmm and yes he's still alive and kicking

I've already discussed with my teens why threats like this are abusive and how to react to them (ignore or if concerned contact authorities)

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 12:49:39

OK that's one out of seven so far

Mine did this.

I'd said I wanted to leave, he said he might as well top himself. I remember looking at him thinking 'ok then that would save me a lot of hassle'.

He is still here.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Thu 02-Jan-14 12:56:19

My ex threatened to kill himself if I left him.

I left him anyway.

He didn't kill himself.

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 02-Jan-14 13:01:03

My DS's Dad threatened this when I left him years ago, even turned up on my doorstep with slashes to his wrists a few times, not very deep though. He was abusive to me for years.

My H who left me in September for OW has threatened this a couple of times too. Even told me he was going to do it one night then hung up on me and I couldn't get hold of him again. I realise now this is just part of their game. Although if your H leaves you, why would they threaten suicide?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 13:01:16

It's so heart-warming how many came back from the brink. What a testament to the human spirit... smile

AdoraBell Thu 02-Jan-14 13:01:38

I had this after Two dates with a bloke. Two dates.

I said I didn't want To continúe, nice meeting you etc and he said 'you might be reading something about me in the papers Tomorrow'

I told him I didn't read newspapers so it wasn't likely.

Not sure if my father ever used that táctic but he was absolutely stunned when my mother did leave. I mean really flabergasted, like 'that wasn't supposed To happen'

Now that I'm writing this I think an ex might have said it but by that stage I was no longer listening so I don't fully recall.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 13:03:10

Two dates. Wow.

sanityawol Thu 02-Jan-14 13:05:21

Yep - had this from exH a couple of weeks after DD and I had moved into our own place. Although he told several of my friends that he'd kill himself if I didn't take him back, knowing that they would relay it to me hmm

I think that my response was along the lines of "I'll believe it when it happens" and I was generally considered to be a heartless cow wink

A week or so later he was trying to borrow £50 from me for petrol to come and see DD (he had moved 5, yes 5, miles away from us). The week after that he was wanting to introduce DD to his new girlfriend... I suspect that the £50 that he got in a strop about me not giving him (I'd never have seen it again) was more likely to benefit gf than DD.

10 years on and he's still alive but has now moved several hundred miles away. Hasn't been to see DD in years... and I dropped several friends a long time ago too.

OLittleTownOfBarflehem Thu 02-Jan-14 13:08:13

My stepdad used to say this. He'd tell me that he was going to commit suicide (my earliest memory of this was from when I was 5) and that it would be my fault. He'd say it to my mum (she never did leave the wanker)

We had a huge row a few years back, he shouted in my face (as I was holding DS) "You fucking bitch, I'm taking a rope into the woods to hang myself" my response was "Are you sure you know how to tie the knot?"

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 13:08:55

10 year survival... these brave people have such a tenacious grasp of life, don't they? <wipes involuntary tear>

myroomisatip Thu 02-Jan-14 13:11:31

grin OLittleTown

My ex did too. He is still around and we get on much better now we are divorced.

mmmmtoffee Thu 02-Jan-14 13:12:26

my exP did and still is using it. (his Dad aparently killed himself after his mum left, but ive hears so many different stories about why his dad killed himself, I dont know what to believe) I juat referred him to Samaritans then got fed up and forwarsed his texts/emails to my Solicitor.

its only been 4 weeks.

CinnabarRed Thu 02-Jan-14 13:13:07

My Dad killed himself when his marriage to my Mum broke down. (Part of a full breakdown that also saw him start an affair and lose his job.)

But he didn't threaten it. He just did it - first attempt failed, second attempt a week later was successful.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 13:14:07

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Yes. Just by a bf that didn't like being dumped. He's still alive.

It's just blackmail of the worst type. I might have gone back but that killed all respect I had for him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 13:15:12

Sorry about your Dad CinnabarRed.... but significant that you say he didn't threaten and just went ahead. That's been my experience as well, unfortunately. The serious ones don't advertise their intentions.

OLittleTown - I'd have loved to have seen his face after that response! I'd also have offered to hold the other end for him, I think. Your mum, though - how awful that she put up with that EA of you when you were so little.

CinnabarRed Thu 02-Jan-14 13:15:55

Cogito, that last post was a wee bit off. Suicide (actual, as opposed to blackmail) isn't a light matter, at least not for me.

sanityawol Thu 02-Jan-14 13:16:13

I was amazed at his swift recovery from depression and suicidal feelings all those years ago so that he was able to move on to the next one...

And his survival is amazing really, when you consider that according to 'friends' I left him for someone else when exH had cancer... the only vaguely true part of that is that I kicked him out...

But he is some sort of medical miracle as he has had at least three testicles removed due to cancer since we split. hmm grin

Marmotte3 Thu 02-Jan-14 13:16:21

Yes, Ex stuffed some painkillers in his mouth, in front of me, he wasn't in the slightest bit serious about it.

But he was serious when he tried to strangle me, I got free of him after that, almost 18 years ago now.

Life is good and it's a lovely sunny day here. Birds are singing smile

colditz Thu 02-Jan-14 13:16:21

Me - still alive and happily mistreating his new girlfriend

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Thu 02-Jan-14 13:16:22

My exh did.. 16 years on he's still alive and kicking and in fact in custody for killing his subsequent wife. It makes me shudder.. I had a lucky escape :/

ItsTrueLefou Thu 02-Jan-14 13:16:35

Oh my exH frequently used to promise to kill himself. Sadly he was renowned for failing to keep promises. He's still knocking around somewhere I believe hmm

Like cinnebar I've known two suicides. Both just decided and did it. Only one had a failed pre attempt. Both around 25. Both men.

I think like most things, if it's something you mean you just do it. You don't sit moaning or mithering about it. They certainly told no one prior.

CinnabarRed Thu 02-Jan-14 13:16:44

Not the post to me, BTW, the one above it.

The one to me was nice.

colditz Thu 02-Jan-14 13:17:58

Pmsl oh sanity

coffeeslave Thu 02-Jan-14 13:18:17

An ex of mine told me he'd kill himself if I left him.

He left me about 6 months later. I was devastated :-(

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 13:18:31

Absolutely, actual suicide is a very painful business for those left behind. Threatened suicide very different. Hope I haven't offended you.

BarfaStewart Thu 02-Jan-14 13:18:47

Thumby, I no longer feel sorry for her, she facilitated his abuse of me and justified it because she blamed me for ruining her life (not the fact that she had unprotected sex with a feckless semi-stranger) I tell you what though, it felt bloody good to see the confusion in his eyes when he realised that I wasn't actually scared of him anymore.

Not me but my best friend was in a relationship with a complete cocklodger for 10 years. Turned out she had tried to leave several times and yup, he threatened suicide each time (his dad did actually take his own life when they were together).

She is now married to a lovely guy with two beautiful DDs (broke up with dickhead about 8 years ago) and sees him around once every couple of years.

Last thing she heard from mutual friends was that he was doing brilliantly in his profession - but that he'd fallen out with a good mate as he'd been coming to play indoor football for 5 years without paying and had been expecting the friend to stump up for him. When the friend called in the debt he went no contact.

But he'd been doing so well in work - aibu to suspect he couldn't afford the football? Wonder if he threatened to top himself over it to this friend too?

Wallison Thu 02-Jan-14 13:21:22

I had an ex threaten this. He wasn't abusive, just fucking boring, which is why I dumped him.

He sent me a fb friend request a couple of years ago, so presumably is still alive and kicking (and boring the knackers off everyone he encounters).

LittleMissDisorganized Thu 02-Jan-14 13:24:19

My husband's ex still texts including pictures of a rope (just a rope) and especially when we are away he gets texts or calls.

He has been persuaded that just referring her back to the professionals, or ringing an ambulance and letting them sort out whether its manipulative or not, works far better. Less threats since we've been doing that. I honestly hope she can sort herself out.

scallopsrgreat Thu 02-Jan-14 13:25:28

Not me but a friend of mine had her boyfriend threaten, then try (half-heartedly whilst on the phone to her). He's still alive as far as I am aware. He was an arse, strangely enough.

CinnabarRed Thu 02-Jan-14 13:28:15

No, not at all Cogito. Just a sensitive spot for me, that's all.

Ah sorry, Cinnabar - I think you must mean mine. I hadn't seen your post when I posted that, and I do apologise.

treaclesoda Thu 02-Jan-14 13:33:24

I had this threat made by a boyfriend when I was about 18. I let him emotionally blackmail me into staying with him. He tried to physically intimidate me once, but I was so shocked I just laughed and he never tried again. Eventually I broke it off. When I started seeing someone else, he shoved a handful of pills down his throat but was in no way serious about it. His friends got fed up with his drama and told him to stop being a dick. He did.

He is still here today, still selfish and self absorbed. To the best of my knowledge he never was physically abusive to a partner, but he is so selfish that he would be utterly unbearable to spend any time with. He married a woman who mistreated him horribly though, stealing his money, cheating on him and worse, so in all honesty he has been more the victim than the oppressor for most of his life, he is quite a tragic figure.

BillyBanter Thu 02-Jan-14 13:36:33

Also someone I'd only seen a few times. He turned up outside my work and told me he would kill himself. I said. Don't be silly I'm not worth killing yourself over, but if you did I wouldn't see it as my fault or responsibility. I could see him visibly deflate at this point.

tbf he kind of gave his game away by saying 'I'll kill myself then you'll be sorry' grin

And sorry again, Cinnabar - not me then, for which I am relieved.

Barfy - it must have shaken his world to realise he'd lost that element of control.

wontletmesignin Thu 02-Jan-14 13:38:37

My first proper bf said this on several occasions.
I kept believing him. He actuslly slit his wrist at one point.
In the end, i told him to get on with it. He is still here. With a new victim.

My ex also said this. Actually held a knife to hos throat telling me i dont realise how i make him feel.
He has said it many other times too.
He is also still here.

Wankers!

DiaryOfAWimpyMum Thu 02-Jan-14 13:39:33

My xh said this a lot. He's still alive.

overthemill Thu 02-Jan-14 13:50:46

My ex threatened it and did indeed drive himself into the central barrier of motorway. Police came to tell me (he told them where I'd be) but said they didn't think it was serious effort as he'd had seatbelt on. Wish he'd been successful tbh. He was a total bastard and had previously tried to kill me and later tried to burn my house down

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 13:53:26

@overthemill... I suppose 'if you leave me I'll prang the car and cause a jam on the M25' doesn't have quite the same ring to it. hmm

zeldapinwheel Thu 02-Jan-14 13:55:10

My ex tried this,woke me up in middle of the night, brandishing a large knife to tell me he knew I was cheating on him( I wasn't) and that he was gonna slit his wrists if I didn't confess.

This was the final straw for me and I told him to cut length ways down the vein not across as it would work better. Also suggested he do it in the bath otherwise his mum would have a lot of mess to clear up.

I then rolled over and went back to sleep. He didn't do it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 13:56:23

There's a certain theatrical streak in some of these. hmm Brandishing a knife? Bloody hell

BitchyHen Thu 02-Jan-14 13:58:06

Xh threatened suicide when I wouldn't take him back after he left me.
In fact I had a text from him a couple of months ago while he was splitting up with his girlfriend saying he couldn't go on anymore. Experience has taught me to ignore, and unfortunately he is still alive and an abusive idiot.

I have had 2 people threaten suicide.

Both times I said I was calling their Mum.

It's amazing how quickly both suddenly regained their composure.

D0oinMeCleanin Thu 02-Jan-14 14:11:47

My first boyfriend tried this. He left me, but when he found out that I'd met someone else, he phoned me clearly rat arsed at 4am one morning and told me if I didn't end things with my new bloke and go back to him immediately he would put his head in the oven. I pointed out that it was an electric oven and if he'd ever bothered cooking in it he'd have known that. He lived.

I did go back to him eventually, we were on and off for about 6 years, he is dd1's father. When he found out I was pregnant he threatened to hang himself if I didn't abort the baby. When that didn't work he told me to go ahead and have the baby but not to get too close to her because he'd have custody by the time she was 3. Dd1 is now 10, she's still with me, he still hasn't met her, hung himself or gassed himself with his electric oven.

He has told mutual friends that he doesn't need to pursue contact because dd1 is being brought up by a lone parent, so he will meet her in professional capacity as a prohibition officer when she is old enough hmm

Lweji Thu 02-Jan-14 14:15:22

Raises hand.

It was sort of funny when he showed up the following day, saying "I didn't kill myself" No shit, Sherlock. I wish you had

Having said that, I had chosen to believe him earlier when he had threatened to take his and our lives too. What he did with his own life, though was his problem.

Lweji Thu 02-Jan-14 14:17:44

Oh, at some point he had a knife to his throat. Supposedly (we were on the phone). The drama in his voice was worthy of a Razzie award and a Golden Raspberry too.

Footballaddict Thu 02-Jan-14 14:18:10

Another "yes" here....once I said I couldn't do the relationship any more, he fluctuated between outright bullying, tears and threats (to both my and his safety). He even went into visit DS1 one night to tell him that he was going to kill himself).

He was also going to involve the national press to show the world what an awful person and bad parent I was.......take the children away from me etc etc etc.

Strangely enough, he has also managed to survive a further couple of years (and from what I hear is repeating the controlling side of things with a new gf). DS1 has gone no contact with his dad and is a much more relaxed, happier person. (as have I!).

The 2 people I actually know in rl, neither used it as a threat in order to try to get someone to behave in a certain way. Just went ahead, as Cogito said earlier.

D0oin - just no words for your Stbex. Jeez.

HedgehogsRevenge Thu 02-Jan-14 14:21:16

God there are a lot of drama lamas out there.
An ex of mine must have threatened suicide hundreds of times. I left after he locked all the doors and turned on the gas in attempt to kill me and the cats (he was jealous of them hmm ).
The day I left he held a knife to his throat and threatened to kill himself, again. He didn't kill himself but he did get sectioned that night. That was 15 years ago. Guess what? He's still alive.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 14:22:12

Oh dear... I shouldn't laugh at the electric oven or the Golden Raspberry but I can't help it. I'm sure some of these threats were utterly terrifying at the time.

Footballaddict Thu 02-Jan-14 14:22:22

He also had a habit of shouting at me when we were together, listing my "errors" and "crimes" against him, blaming me for making him angry/upset etc and then driving off at speed (either phoning me a couple of hours later, not knowing where he was and telling me that he couldn't carry on living, or having told me before he drove off that I was pushing him to suicide).

First couple of times, I phoned his family (who talked me out of calling police) and panicked until he returned (when I'd be so relieved he was alive I would "fall back into line" and accept that everything I did was wrong ;)" ). Eventually, I got immune to it.

D0oinMeCleanin Thu 02-Jan-14 14:24:09

No, this is a different one Thumb, dd1's bio Dad. I have excellent taste in men hmm

I haven't heard from dd1's dad since I was pregnant with dd1 but have told all mutual friends not to tell him any details about me or my children or to pass on contact details. If he wants contact he can email me.

STBX is still living in denial and still quite convinced that I will change my mind about leaving him. In a few days he will start being super nice and helpful. Atm he still thinks he has time to be complete twat before trying to win me over again.

Lweji Thu 02-Jan-14 14:26:41

Actually, the Golden Raspberry wasn't terrifying. I had left by then, reported his abuse to the police and was with my sister. I was more annoyed than anything and thinking of the possible stains on the floor. Any shreds of love or care had died by then.

Threats made to us/me were frightening, though.

Oh dear, D0oin!
Do you think STBX will pull this sort of stunt too?

D0oinMeCleanin Thu 02-Jan-14 14:29:16

Most likely, thought for now he is telling me he'll be forced to sell his house and have to move back in with his mum and me leaving him will leave him bankrupt. I am being very selfish and giving him no consideration at all hmm

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing Thu 02-Jan-14 14:31:18

I had an ex do this once.

I am afraid that I, being young and a bit of a cow blush said good, I hope you do.

He didn't.

Me

he said it so many times until I made a big fuss and told him it wasn't on and just so bloody unfair that I WOULD leave him if he carried on. He'd often do it after trying to make me jealous by saying he got asked out or got checked out or whatever. Or found someone attractive.

arse!

He's still here of course and that was one of the least shitty things he'd do.

neiljames77 Thu 02-Jan-14 14:33:46

Never for me.
The ones I've been out with in the past must have believed in self preservation because it was ME they'd threatened to kill!!

Lweji Thu 02-Jan-14 14:41:50

That were still not good choice for them, neil, because they'd be in jail.

I told exH that once, and that it would be a shame if DS lost both his dad and mum. He sort of realised that he was not being taken too seriously and it would hinder his chances of having unsupervised contact with DS. He has calmed down a lot since then.

Lweji Thu 02-Jan-14 14:42:18

That was still not good a choice for them... (bad editing)

VodkaJelly Thu 02-Jan-14 14:45:19

My EA Exh was threatening to kill himself when i was in the middle of leaving him. He grabbed a lot of paracetemol and shoved them in his mouth. I called an amublance and as it pulled up outside the house I drove away and have never seen him since (20 years ago).

He lived to tell the tale as he rang my mum up the next day to give her a load of abuse. prick.

A friend of mine committed suicide, no threats, no notes, no warning, just did it. A 22 year old girl. Nobody knows why she did it.

CharlieAlphaKiloEcho Thu 02-Jan-14 14:46:48

My first bf did this a lot. He was 10 years older then me and I was only 15 when we started dating so pretty immature. At first I was utterly convinced he would until a friend pointed out it followed a very predictable pattern. Every time I clawed back a little self respect or control, made a friend, wanted to go out with friends or family without him he suddenly couldn't let me leave because he was scared he'd end his life.

The last straw was when I wanted to go for an interview for a job he had forbidden me to apply for. because it would hand me my freedom

He picked up the knife and threatened to slit his wrists and I calmly told him to do it in the kitchen so I didn't lose the deposit if he ruined the carpet....

I did feel awful about it as it was mean but he hadn't done it the other 50 times he'd threatened so the odds were good.

I did get the job and with it my freedom (it was live in childcare for a pub landlady, I think he knew that he'd never be able to get through the barstaff to the accommodation upstairs)

He is still alive I think.

Sadly my charming mother has decided to use suicide as a threat against us now so I'm gearing up for all this shit again. My new plan is to disengage as soon as the threat comes and call an ambulance so she can explain to them she was being dramatic..... (feel bad about wasting the ambulance though!)

CharlieAlphaKiloEcho Thu 02-Jan-14 14:48:20

oh... that was a bit long! Sorry!

Doodlekitty Thu 02-Jan-14 14:49:17

I dont really think of my ex as abusive but he was quite controlling. He threatened to kill himself a few times and it worked for a fair while because I knew he'd tried it in the past. He also often said there would be no point living without me.

When I finally did leave he had a razor blade and loads of tablets on the bedside table when I went to get my things.

Hes still live and kicking 8 years later

Yes. suicide threat from BF and he got away with that for over a year. He's still alive as far as I know. ExP said he would drink bleach, but all he ever drank was bloody expensive whisky. Also still alive.
The drama is just so over the top, but the first 20-30 times made me nervous. As the threats continued but the men stayed on I finally twigged... What a waste of time, space and oxygen.

How awful Hegdehog, you did have a Lucky Escape. It is very sad, I hope you are ok.

Lweji Thu 02-Jan-14 14:53:35

A colleague at Uni also killed herself. No warning at all, although, with hindsight, I can now spot some subtle signs in a conversation we had days earlier.

that last bit was to hedgehogmanay way upthread...a few hedgehogs about today!

PrincessFlirtyPants Thu 02-Jan-14 14:55:50

My ex threatened to kill himself if I left him so I stayed with him. Relationship got worse, I said I was leaving, he threatened to kill himself. I stayed with him.

Repeat x4

Eventually I left, he didn't kill himself.

Yup, years ago abusive ex threatened to kill himself. Shoved a note under my friends door (I was staying there) saying if I hadn't come home by midnight he'd be dead.

We didn't see the note til next morning, so went round and found him asleep under a pile of curtains in the lounge. Apparently he'd got drunk, stood on a chair and attached himself to the curtain rail, then stood waiting for me to come home and find him there.

Obviously when he jumped/fell asleep/slipped off the chair the curtain rail came down on top of him -he was 16stone! He was lucky there was no freak accident though, his best tie was still round his neck and the curtain rail when we got there. I left permanently that same day.

candylicious Thu 02-Jan-14 14:58:54

Yes, twice in the last 2 months sad

He's still at home and still a dick..... he needs to leave! Sometimes easier said than done, maybe tomorrow I'll tell him he needs to go, least then I have no kids at home for the weekend!

PukousMucous Thu 02-Jan-14 15:02:40

I wish this thread existed 3 years ago. The boyfriend of a friend threatened to kill himself if she left. He had more children so she decided fewer people would miss her so she killed herself. hmm

ColinButterfly Thu 02-Jan-14 15:04:43

After my ex and I broke up first time round, he spent months pursuing me to get back with him and said he was suicidal and would commit suicide if I didn't get back with him. I thought I loved him and we could work through our difficulties so got back with him. I realised our difficulties were that he was abusive and anytime I didn't do as he said, he played the card again, usually when I went out with my friends.

When I caught him with OW, he told her he'd broken up with me weeks ago and I said, no you didn't (he hadn't). He then said to her he couldn't break up with me because he was afraid I would commit suicide ('see I'm a good guy really!') - I had been depressed (abusive relationships will do that). I did feel suicidal after that but hey I'm still here and much happier without him. I haven't seen him since that day though as far as I know, living a jolly little existence without me.

ninilegsintheair Thu 02-Jan-14 15:25:01

That's sad Pukous sad.

When I was in my late teens I went through a dark period where I habitually tried to commit suicide. Was luckily unsuccessful on 3 separate occasions. Didn't see the point in writing notes etc, to this day nobody in my real life knows. Seems to sit with the theory that many real suicides don't deal like drama llamas.

My stbEH would never offer to kill himself he is far too valuable to the human race to ever consider it.

PrincessFlirtyPants Thu 02-Jan-14 15:29:12

PukousMucous that's so sad sad

WaitingForMe Thu 02-Jan-14 15:38:05

How sad that she believed him.

My ex threatened it after I left him. I asked how serious he was as I had spoken to a solicitor and didn't want to run up a bill if a divorce wasn't going to be necessary. Apparently that was a mean thing to say. He's still alive.

BarbarianMum Thu 02-Jan-14 15:45:23

Not me personally but it happened to a good friend of mine.

She left, he committed suicide. sad

He wasn't abusive though, just a very, very broken individual who wanted their relationship to fix him (it wasn't his first suicide attempt either). They were both very young 21/22.

It took her a long time to come to terms with it but she does recognise that it's not her fault sad. Even at the time she knew she couldn't live with that sort of pressure.

mmmmtoffee Thu 02-Jan-14 15:46:10

I don't believe expe Dad killed himself, its just another thing exP used to say to me, his mum never.mentioned.his Dad killing hinself but did mention a brother who did.

I also remembered my first boyfriend tried to kill hinself as I woulsbt go to mcdonalds. he was also abusive. he tied something round the light thing in the ceiling. I went to bed with the dog as it was obvious nothibg could happen with the weight.of him, he also triwd to stab himself and threatened a few other things, which he was still alive a few years ago and uaing the same lies on the lateat,gf as she wouldbt go to kfc in the rain with a tiny newborn baby just out of hospital.

I never.knew it was abusive the firat time round and the second time round I was sort of waiting for it to come as it was always "if you leave I will top myself" (exp1 was also one who tried to gas hinswlf in an electric oven)

HeirToTheIronThrone Thu 02-Jan-14 15:49:47

My ex had already dumped me for someone else, then, a few months later when I took a job in France he started with the 'I'm sorry, I was wrong, if you don't come back to the UK now I'll kill myself' line... This was almost 10 years ago, he lives in Wales now so alive and kicking. Though he has deleted me from Facebook, which is not quite the same...

Solo Thu 02-Jan-14 15:51:41

My first husband when I left him the first time, came to my parents house where I was staying. He looked a mess (deliberately I think ~ unironed and torn shirt) and when I said I wouldn't go back, he tried to rip the live wire out of an extension lead to put in his mouth. I stopped him. I went back.

Another 4 years of abuse from him and I told him I wanted to separate and divorce. He tried to kill himself (seriously I think) and ended up permanently disabled. I didn't go back.

19 years on and his gf apparently left him and he killed himself. He'd had several other attempts and had told friends that he'd never got over me. Guilt tripped me to the grave.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 15:56:52

He may tried to guilt-trip you Solo but it doesn't sound like he succeeded.

MonsterMunchMe Thu 02-Jan-14 15:58:41

XH, DSs dad, held a knife to my throat and had me pinned up against the wall saying he didn't know who he wanted to kill more, himself or me.

He did neither and is still knocking about being a pain in my arse but has calmed down and grown up a lot and we get on quite well now (he's been sober for 3 years he was an alcoholic back then)

An ex boyfriend told me if I ever cheated on him, he'd kill the guy I was cheating with in front of me, then DS, then any future children we had had together hmm and then kill me and then kill himself.

He would also say that if we ever had kids together he would inject me with drugs while I was asleep hmm and tell social services I was a drug addict and get full custody of the kids and he would raise them with his mum and new girlfriend.

He was not happy when I explained that my mother was a social worker, and my father very rich with a very good friend who's a very good family law soliceter, so the likely hood of the above happening would be close to......zero hmm

We had been together for 3 months at this point!! I started to laugh straight away, much to his bewilderment and sent him packing ASAP to his mum to start his hunt for this new girlfriend to raise our non existent children with hmm shock confused

Solo Thu 02-Jan-14 15:58:44

I'm afraid it affected me very badly and after after a couple of years, I had 6 months of counselling which has more or less sorted me out.

Joysmum Thu 02-Jan-14 15:59:23

My dad phoned to tell me my mum had left him and said he'd rather be dead than be without her. I gave notice on my room and moved back in with him for support. Within 6 weeks he'd found somebody else!

Looking back his threat was just him being scared and feeling lost. He and mum had been married for 23 years. It wasn't to manipulate or for any sinister reason.

Solo Thu 02-Jan-14 16:00:32

Couple of years after he died I mean.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 16:02:06

Glad you benefited from the counselling Solo

cestlavielife Thu 02-Jan-14 16:13:55

my exp
"i may as well just get a gun and kill myself" (after i told him we didnt ahve a future togethert)
"do you want me to jump?" (said balancing on fire escape outside flat above five metre drop - he was in throes of clinical depression at this time and it was touch and go... but hedidnt jump)
"i will leave you all and kill myself"

when in throes of depressive episode it was almost real - "i just want to die" etcetc.

there were few years he kept saying life wasnt fun with me and Dc, it was toos tressful he hated it, etc so he might as well kill himself...what is the point of life? bla bla bla ....i found myself planning his funeral.

there were times when he was v depressed clinically and i thought he would go thru with it; most times it was clearly just a threat.

but i some point i recognized that even if he did get so clinically depressed he would go thru with it - it was still not my fault.

at various times i informed police/GP etc - that assuaged any guilt i might have...

also he was going to kill himself when me and DC were with him because we made his life so terrible; then he was going to kill himself because i left him and removed the stress (dc) from his life. .... i realised you cannot win. he would always find a reason to, if he wanted...

anyway - he still here....

Solo Thu 02-Jan-14 16:15:08

smile Me too! thank you!

Solo Thu 02-Jan-14 16:18:19

cest trouble is, no matter how much you think you won't feel guilt, mostly I think you do. I had been away from my exh for 19 years when he did it. I still got the guilts.

Tinkertaylor1 Thu 02-Jan-14 16:25:28

My ex told me he was going to kill him self if I didn't let him in.

I was wrapping Christmas presents at the time and told him to fuck off over text.

He then posted empty paracetamol packets through the door.

I still ignored him.

I then seen him in the garden waving a steak knife around saying he was going to slash his wrists .

So I phoned police and he drove off. The police rang him and asked where he was and he said " on the way to Disney land to see Mickey Mouse "

He was actually on the motorway on the way back to his house when the police pulled him over and threw him in a cell for a night waiting for him to be seen by a doctor because of the death threats.

Apparently one of the officers told him through the door " to forget about her as I probably already had another fella lined up" shock grin

He was considering putting in a formal complaint about the officer because if he had really been suisidal that could have really sent him over the edge grin

Lweji Thu 02-Jan-14 16:31:09

He was considering putting in a formal complaint about the officer because if he had really been suicidal that could have really sent him over the edge
But surely they removed shoe laces and belts, or whatever they do to suicide risk cases. Or maybe they left them...

MamTor Thu 02-Jan-14 16:33:44

Yes, xh said this, took his shotgun and drove off.

I called the police, they eventually caught up with him and surrounded him with armed officers.

I later found a google history of how to commit suicide, so I'm guessing he was pretty serious about his intentions.

We have 2 doc together, fairly high chance one of them will try the same I am told. Just like him, and his father before him etc.

He is still very much alive and now married to an ex close friend hmm

SinisterSal Thu 02-Jan-14 16:39:05

My first boyfriend.

He was pissed at the time so didn't taek it seriously, on the other hand there was a spate of suicides by young men in our area at the time so sort of did.

My mum rang his mum in the end. He's fine

NameoftheRose Thu 02-Jan-14 16:42:33

My ex threatened suicide when I left. Even took an "overdose" in front of me once. I called 999 and left the house. I knew he hadn't taken enough to do any harm.

20 years later he's still going strong. tenacious bugger What a trooper!

Yes he was a grade A abuser too. Seems to go with the territory.

JaceyBee Thu 02-Jan-14 17:15:38

Yes it does seem to go with the territory for abusive men to threaten suicide and I think most of the time it's just a desperate attempt to regain control and power.

However, it's a myth that people who are serious about it don't talk about it first, a lot of them talk about it a lot before going on to do it.

I would advise anyone in this position to contact he persons GP as they can arrange a psych assessment or their CPN if they have one. If not possible then it has to be the police. They see these situations all the time and will know what to do. No-one should have to deal with this alone.

brokenhearted55a Thu 02-Jan-14 17:33:44

My dad used to do this. He actually threw himself down the stairs a few times.

Old bastard is still alive now.

SunshineOnACrappyDay Thu 02-Jan-14 17:46:59

Abusive XH did this to me. We lived in a second floor flat and he climbed over the balcony rail. Spent a few minutes letting go with one hand then the other.

I was <this> close to walking out, instead I called mum who suggested I call emergency services. XH climbed back in as the fire brigade arrived. He punched me later after I told the CPN exactly how much was drinking.

That was over 10 years ago.

My best mate tried on and off for years to kill herself. Before the last time she'd hinted to other people about her funeral wishes etc., but it was only recognised in hindsight. She's been dead for 9 years and I miss her terribly.

I've had it too. My thoughts were "what a twat, trying to blackmail me emotionally" rather than feeling sorry for him (I'd giving him lots of warnings about his behaviour). It was a situation where he knew I didn't want anything serious from him (explained on day one) yet he fell for me and couldn't accept I hadn't altered my views on our "relationship". I phoned the Police, explained he'd threatened suicide, and they sent 2 officers to check on him. He, of course, was just bluffing so got a right telling off from them, much to his embarrassment they told me. He was told not to contact me again but about a year later he emailed me asking to meet romantically, so he was alive and well then. Not sure about now, but I bet he's OK.

Uptonogoodagain Thu 02-Jan-14 17:55:34

My x said this.

17leftfeet Thu 02-Jan-14 18:02:21

My ex tried it

The first time the threat worked and I stayed

The second time I told him to go right ahead

He's still with us but not with me!

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 02-Jan-14 18:31:40

Here as well. I was 18 or 19 and told him to do it outside and not make too much of a mess of it, then walked away. Nope, he didn't do it.

cafesociety Thu 02-Jan-14 19:26:10

My exH left me with no choice but to make the decision to end the marriage, and as he left he said he was so upset and loved me so much he was going to drive into a wall and kill himself.

He didn't. He drove to his mum and dads [aww] and lived the single life to the full for 5 years.

He went on to meet someone, had 2 children with her and completely and utterly dropped all contact with his first 2. Too difficult to be a father to all his children obviously. Now has no interest whatsoever in 3 grandsons - his huge loss.

ManualSpaniel Thu 02-Jan-14 19:58:28

Solo - your post resonates. A friends exP had a failed attempt and ended up seriously paralysed. Although he threatened it for years before she left, we never thought he'd do it. His attempt has altered his life forever and she moved countries to get over it. I think she's still plagued with guilt.

ouryve Thu 02-Jan-14 19:59:48

Yes and yes.

My bully of an ex threatened it when I was 18 and finally dumped the horrible control freak. I met him when I was 15 and he had allegedly just tried to kill himself by cutting his wrist and putting it in a bucket of water as his last girlfriend dumped him. I rang his mum (who gave me a mouthful of abuse for upsetting her precious)

With grown up hindsight the previous scratches looked like something the cat did, rather than serious attempts.

He's married with two kids now. Bet he's still a total knob though.

He was 27 as well, so really should have known better!

Yes he did, and no he didn't. What an abusive cock he was. And now is to someone else

SmileItsANewYear Thu 02-Jan-14 20:39:57

My ex said this... It's a very odd thing to say when there is no intention behind it.

AnitaManeater Thu 02-Jan-14 20:57:36

My first boyfriend ( who was very unhinged looking back on things) took an overdose of about 50 of his epilepsy tablets when I told him I couldn't go out as I had homework to do ( I was 16 he was 19) He turned up at my mums house and collapsed on the driveway. Called his mum who got him to hospital and had his stomach pumped.

Second boyfriend, DSs dad, used to regularly overdose on ibuprofen and then puke them back up a few mins later. He also had a ready made noose hanging from the purlin over the loft hatch. Cut him down so many times I lost count. Should have just rung 999 and let them deal with it.

HissyNewYear Thu 02-Jan-14 23:28:29

My ex is Mister God of All Things. 10 years he 'ruled' me and everyone who knew him.

Even he threatened it when i'd got rid of him and wouldn't quake in fear at his every word.

I always thought he'd be the exception. But just like all the others... he did it too.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 02-Jan-14 23:53:30

Yes, had the standard threats of suicide if I left him from abusive ex-h. He is still alive and well.

I like the oft-mentioned advice here of calling ambulance when such a threat is made. I didn't do that in his case, though. I saw it as the manipulation it was and told him it was his choice if he did (like all abusers he wanted to make it my responsibility).

Frizzbonce Fri 03-Jan-14 00:07:44

This thread should be added to the Mumsnet Bumper Book of Red Flags. In my early twenties I went out with a hideous control freak knobber. When I finally saw sense and dumped him, he basically stalked me. After weeks of this, he rang me up and said: 'I've got pills and I'm going to take them - one by one so you can hear me topping meself!' He then proceeded to make over-the-top swallowing noises as he downed each 'pill'. I asked him if he was taking them with alcohol. 'You know I don't drink' he said in a hurt voice. 'So how many is that?' I asked. 'I've only counted four.' At this point he called me a 'heartless cunt' and hung up.

And yes, twenty years later I hear he's still alive, and bald. grin

bouncyagain Fri 03-Jan-14 06:55:47

Just to add a serious note to the levity:

Samaritans 08457 90 90 90

24 hours a day

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 07:39:31

And another serious note. If anyone's presented with a similar situation and you're not sure they are genuine, calling the police (as several people have done) is the safest option.

I hope no-one's taking this thread as making light of suicide in general because that wasn't my intention. But I think it illustrates that, in the context of abusive relationships, these type of threats are reasonably common and their aim is usually to terrify/guilt-trip the victim back into line.

Meerka Fri 03-Jan-14 07:43:05

such a shitty trick too. Anyone with half a heart is going to be yanked hard by a threat like that .. at least the first few times.

oakmouse Fri 03-Jan-14 07:51:31

Cogito this thread is wonderfully therapeutic for me. I am in a difficult marriage and have been told if I leave dh will kill himself. I am not planning to leave, but there is a world of difference between choosing to stay for good reasons and having to stay out of terror that you will otherwise be responsible for someone's death.

CaptainCorellisVentolin Fri 03-Jan-14 08:00:11

My XBF killed himself on my birthday, which was roughly 4 months after I'd left him and indeed left the country. He NEVER threatened it though.

I am a firm believer in the saying "barking dogs don't bite". My EA XH DID threaten it. After I had caught him out on his umpteenth affair. Sadly (really, sadly!) he is still very much alive and trying to make my life a misery whilst married to the next wife.....He still can not stand the fact I did not completely (almost but not quite) crumbled when he finally left me for his secretary. Bullies will always try every avenue to make their victims submit to more bullying or guilt trip them.

paperlantern Fri 03-Jan-14 08:25:44

my ex apparently had a go. only he took way too few tablets for it in any way to have been a serious attempt according to the ambulance man who I sent to find him.

stupid nurse I spoke to on the phone the next day asked me "was there no chance we could work it out? hmm

candylicious Fri 03-Jan-14 08:39:45

I called the police the last time, he'd text me asking me to tell his boss exactly where the he'd left the works van!

The police went looking for him, helicopter everything, finally tracked him down and got him to go to his friends, apparently he seemed fine! Huge waste of police time if you ask me!

Could probably get threatened with it again tonight since I'm going to have the 'think you should go to your Dads for a while' (200+ miles away) talk!

CaptainCorellisVentolin Fri 03-Jan-14 08:43:06

Good luck with the talk tonight candylicious and yes, if he has form for this kind of behaviour, you might get the same threat again tonight. Like another poster said, hand him the number for the Samaritans if he does.

Damnautocorrect Fri 03-Jan-14 08:58:19

Yep ex threatened it many times. When I finally realised I wasn't responsible and got out few months later he had one last ditch threat that involved saying goodbye to everyone. Later he admitted he'd done it all just for a shag!
His poor mum and friends!!! Oh and yes he's still very much alive

ShoeWhore Fri 03-Jan-14 09:05:44

No direct experience but my friend's exh threatened a lot, half-heartedly attempted a few times, never actually did it though.

thequeenoftarts Fri 03-Jan-14 09:33:36

The ones that threaten rarely do it, the ones that do it rarely threaten it seems, they just go off and do it, either way it is wrong, wrong to try force someone to stay with you through guilt and wrong to kill yourself and leave the ones behind with the knowledge that they may be partly to blame.

My ex threatened and this like many of you fired the final nail into the coffin that was our marriage, my father threatened it for years but never did it, and my ex knew this so when he played what he thought was his winning hand, it was in fact his final hand......

I was driving him into work at 3am, middle of the night really, he came out with this statement, so I pulled over, looked at him, really looked at him and saw ugly........

I said that's okay you kill yourself but I have some things to say to you before you do it

1) Make sure that unlike everything else in this life you fuck up that you manage to do this one thing correctly
2) If you screw it up you will be going home to your mothers cos no way will you be getting back into my home
3) Make sure your kids understand why you are doing it, cos I will tell them your such a selfish cunt that you weren't man enough to stay in their lives and took the easy way out.
4) And don't for one second think I care, cos I don't...

At that I drove him the rest of the way to work, and said bye now, do let your kids know if you will be back later or if I have to arrange an undertaker, he slammed the door and walked off lol....He was back the the house later that night, still breathing worse bloody luck........

Meerka Fri 03-Jan-14 09:36:32

okay that took eggs! wow, /salute

Betrayedbutsurvived Fri 03-Jan-14 09:51:43

My ex announcd he had three months to live due to an unspecified illness when I left 25 years ago. Does that count ? Since then he's been given three months a further three times, coincidently straight after each new gf has come to her senses and left him. Bloody medical miricle my ex.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 09:57:28

Hints of imminent demise, whether self-inflicted or not, certainly count as emotional blackmail Betrayedbutsurvived... smile Anyone remember the 'dying' mother in Moonstruck?

^ Mine (same as above, I know it's ridiculous) told his good friends he had a brain tumour and me that he had early onset dementia and a brain disorder which meant he had a couple of years to live. I knew he lied to his friends, didn't think he was lying to me- how stupid can you get.

It's the way he did it that just kills me. We hadn't known each other that long, but we'd had a good night, we were just going for a drink in the uni bar and were having a smoke outside. He suddenly started shuffling his feet and then said, "not sure if we're intimate enough yet (??) BUT....." and then came out with a whole load of crap. Really detailed lies. And kept it up in such a detailed way for a year. Telling me all about his scans, improvements and how the stupid British doctors wouldn't let him continue on the cocktail of meds he'd been put on in his own country.
That's added to a whole other raft of lies that I just swallowed. It's textbook actually everything he made up, just to make himself look great and make people feel sorry for him.

oops x post that ^ was to betrayed

Maoamstripes Fri 03-Jan-14 10:42:34

my ex threatened it and turned up to my house with tablets in his pocket. I took him seriously as he had been suffering with MH problems due to ex wife stopping contact with their ds and divorce. He became more and more abusive and New years eve 2012 pinned me to bed and hit me and threatened me. I called the police and got him removed from my property. Unfortunately i am not over it and seem to have gone into depression :-( how another human being can behave this way. He said he was "desperate"... I had a MC to him, probably for the best as dont think i could have coped with him for the rest of my life..

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 11:39:16

And is this 'desperate' man still alive and kicking Maomstripes?

ParsleyTheLioness Fri 03-Jan-14 11:42:03

Yup. And still here. Ar**e

Yep, my ex. He's still breathing, he was in fact so devastated by the end of our relationship that he was with not just one but 2 new girls within a month of me ending it. hmm

Of course I only found this out later, and for a few months after I had to put up with his mum calling me every other week with random crap about him. Of course he got her to ring rather than do it himself, because he knew I'd panic that she was ringing to say he was dead. Nice.

KateAdiesEarrings Fri 03-Jan-14 12:07:19

Ex did this.
I called the police. He spent the night in custody and then had to convince their doctor that he wasn't suicidal and didn't have to be committed.
Cogito I think it's great to have this thread to show people it's a technique that abusive partners use. The other point I wish I had known was that EA/DV types quite consistently threaten to get full custody of any dcs. It's just another technique in their 'maintaining control' rulebook.

learnasyougo Fri 03-Jan-14 12:13:26

my dad held a bread knife to his abdomen, gave the handle to my sister and told her to push, she'd "practically killed him already".
She was nine years old at the time.

He was having a break down at the time but he is still here and still as selfish, self-absorbed as ever. I've only just this month gone nc with him (not over this. He is impossible to handle in other ways, too and I'm sick of it). He would never kill himself because he would miss out on watching the aftermath.

Scarletohello Fri 03-Jan-14 12:16:47

I had an ex that threatened this. However when I did finally leave him, that night he slept with our next door neighbour and married her 6 weeks later. On my birthday!

Wish I'd left him years earlier...

wontletmesignin Fri 03-Jan-14 12:17:57

Yes kate - that is true. They all threaten for custody. My first one did - 7 years in court...trying to get him to maintain consistent contact after 2 years he withdrew his custody battle - but continued with the inconsistent contact for a further 5 grr! Now he doesnt see them at all. Been over a year now.

My ex took my ds from nursery and refused to give him back. Now im not allowing contact for various other reasons!

They are all a bunch of control heads!
You often find they arent even interested in the kids - just the power they can have over you through using the kids.

Lweji Fri 03-Jan-14 13:43:44

Yes for threatening custody as well. And taking the child away.

Along with the threats on my life, all this has done to exH is a criminal process, not being able to see DS unsupervised, and a divorce, of course.

Lweji Fri 03-Jan-14 13:46:00

Oh, and then they are crap at keeping contact, yes.
So predictable.

Cabrinha Fri 03-Jan-14 14:01:13

I can add one friend's ex, threatening it "I drove my car to the roof of x car park last night and sat thinking about it".
It really worried her, she'd just dumped him after too many beatings.
So that's maybe a year ago? He pulled through that terrible low, it seems ;)

I can also add a supposed suicide attempt from a friend's ex, about a year after she left him. Uncorroborated. Unsuccessful. He's still here to not pay for his kids.

So that's another 2 for the bullshit pile!

Meerka Fri 03-Jan-14 14:17:40

People with BPD tend to threaten suicide (maybe not as a manipulation thing in a relationship though, more cause they are so unhappy/angry) and then sometimes go on to do it according to various stats.

But even then I'm not sure someone else can live their lives held hostage to the threat. God-awful situation to be in though :s

Bogeyface Fri 03-Jan-14 14:19:51

My friend had a terrible experience with someone like this.

They went out for a while and he was a nightmare, needy, controlling and possessive, she tried to chuck him a couple of times but each time he pulled the "I will kill myself" card. The final time she said that she was sorry but she didnt want to see him anymore and that was that.

Except he kept texting her for weeks saying he would do it, she just ignored him. Then he texted that he was going to take a load of pills, again, and it would be her fault he was dead, again, but that he wouldnt do it if she would take him back, again. She ignored him, again.

The next morning she had the police at her door because he had died.

Turns out he had taken some pills, texted his sister to tell her what he had done knowing she was due to go round that evening and left the door open so she could get in. Except she didnt get the message and didnt go round as a member of her family had been taken to A&E, she got it the next day when it was too late. At the inquest it was agreed that he had not mean to kill himself.

My friend has never really gotten over it, to this day she feels guilty that she didnt call an ambulance that night, or on one of the other times he threatened it because that might have brought him to his senses sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 15:20:13

I'm sorry your friend feels guilty Bogeyface. She isn't and never was responsible for his crass stupidity and clearly he had never heard the fable of the Boy Who Cried Wolf. hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 15:23:54

FWIW I know someone who killed himself a few weeks before his STBXW and DS were about to move out of the family home. He didn't use it as a threat but, having said that, I'm convinced it was done out of pure unadulterated spite. Reason being he arranged it all so that his body was discovered... by the DS. Sickening.

Solo Fri 03-Jan-14 15:26:46

That's horrible Cogito, a dreadful thing to do to a child. How old was the LO and how is he now?

AdoraBell Fri 03-Jan-14 15:41:21

That really is a horrible thing To do To a child Cogito I hope the DS had/will Get help To deal with it.

I knew someone who commited suicide while the DP was at work, but they left a note outside telling the DP not To entre the house but call the police. It was done specificaly so the DP wouldn't find them and there was no malice in it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 15:41:40

I think he was about 12 at the time and it's not all that long ago. The suffering is intense still. Guilt, blame... it's a mess.

Not to me but a guy I worked with had form for sending 'farewell' texts to other colleagues after being out on a Saturday night. He never did though. It was all for attention.

He has BPD and it used to occur when he was at his lowest. But this is no excuse as it terrified our colleagues as he would then keep his phone off until he'd arrive at work on Monday morning.

He never tried this on with me though, as he knew that I would have no truck with this sort of behavior. I only found out about it after he left.

AdoraBell Fri 03-Jan-14 16:00:26

Are you close enough To suggest some kind if councelling Cogito?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 16:20:50

(Don't want to derail my own thread). Just to say, not close enough personally because it's a 'friend of a friend' situation. My immediate friend was struggling with his reaction, particularly the anger he felt, and that's how I know about it. It's not my only experience, unfortunately, and having seen the impact of suicide up close, how many people it affects and the sheer pain, bewilderment, guilt and, yes, anger left in its wake for years, I think anyone using it as an idle threat for their own sick purposes is utterly vile.

BarfaStewart Fri 03-Jan-14 16:23:07

Cog, my Uncle killed himself years ago, he was found by my cousin who is now an adult with a child of his own. For a long time he was in pieces, but after lots of counselling has come to terms (and stopped blaming his mum)

He can't understand how his dad could have done that to him.

Lweji Fri 03-Jan-14 16:28:35

He can't understand how his dad could have done that to him.

Quite.

When ex was threatening suicide, I mostly kept telling him that DS would be very disappointed and would miss his dad.
And I called his parents too. I think they rang him, but he didn't answer. Not sure he'd be able to explain it all to them. Or want to face them.

I didn't call the police, I reckoned that after 30 min of threatening he didn't really want to do it.

lookingfoxy Fri 03-Jan-14 16:43:55

When I was about 16 a boyfriend threatened this after I dumped him.
I was distraught and immediately told my big bad dad who obviously wise to this crap visited my ex with some rather strong pills and offered to ram them down his throat as he obviously couldn't manage it properly himself seeing as he was still alive.
Funnily enough never heard from him again but hes definitely still here.

Cantabile Fri 03-Jan-14 16:49:02

I knew a guy who actually did. He left an ex wife and his child, as well as many friends who are still affected by it nearly 20 years laterr. It is the most cowardly act. He was a lovely guy but he did it to teach his ex a lesson which has tainted the memory everyone had of him. In fact, many of us became far more understanding of why his wife left him; the exact opposite of what he had wanted to achieve.

Otherwise, I have had bfs who have threatened to do it but they are all alive and kicking (probably literally - that would be one reason I dumped them). Abusive, contolling bullies. I think 3 bfs when I was young (obviously I was a bad judge of character).

Lovingfreedom Fri 03-Jan-14 17:36:59

My ex threatened to kill himself. I told him if he was serious he should see a doctor but that I couldn't help him. The way I saw it was that as I was part of the problem I was also the last person who could help. However, as far as I know he didn't attempt suicide and he is definitely alive and well.

LookingThroughTheFog Fri 03-Jan-14 18:12:39

Hints of imminent demise, whether self-inflicted or not, certainly count as emotional blackmail

I think this is for the most part true. However, being a mentally ill person in a relationship, occasionally I have to discuss with my husband where I am with my illness. Most of the time, it's good, and I can reassure him about that. Sometimes, however, it's not so good.

I've never threatened though. I suppose that's the difference. When I was at my worst, I told him in genuine fear that I didn't know how to prevent it for much longer. I was literally exhausted having to fight it all the time, and I was scared that it might happen despite my best efforts. It's hard to describe now, looking back, but I was having to assess every single thought to decide whether it was a harmful or insane thought. As it was, there were times I'd end up hurting myself, and I almost wouldn't notice until after it was done - I'd fight it for hours, then lose concentration and would end up with a knife in my hand.

Plus, when I was in the thick of it, my immediate concern was that he needed to leave, and with the children, because they needed some safety and security away from me.

So I've never threatened it, only informed, and then always in terms of 'I appear to be experiencing this particular symptom, so what should we do about that?'

I'm lucky in that it hasn't happened that often, though the periods of it happening are regularly prolonged. However, I have a support network, a psychiatrist, a therapist and a GP, and shedloads of medication. So I'm basically OK.

I recognise I'm sounding defensive here. It's just, it's the thing I feel guiltiest about. Neither of us asked for this particular thing to have happened, and I feel bad that his marriage comes with a whole heap of extra and unusual stress.

Looking I've been in the same position, this thread is specifically about the kind of people who use it as a bargaining tool. "Do as I say or I'll kill myself." Nothing like what you've described. It's hard, but try not to feel guilty.

LookingThroughTheFog Fri 03-Jan-14 18:30:10

It is gutting though. In that sense of 'do I say something, or do I not say something...?'

It's one of those thing that means there needs to be an immediate response. Everything gets dropped while we deal with me. I hate it, being that dependent.

I do know I've never used it as a bargaining point though! If anything, I'm embarrassed about it as a weakness.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 18:30:15

@Looking... you aren't motivated by control. It's legitimate and sensible to say 'I think I'm becoming unwell'. It is quite different to use illness or threat of suicide to manipulate someone else.

Meerka Fri 03-Jan-14 18:41:57

you're trying to -manage- your condition, and you're thinking of the children and your partner. You are working with professionals and taking meds and doing eveyrthing you can. It can't be easy for any of you but it's patently clear you're doing your level best to be a decent human being. When you talk of it, from the sound of it, it's a problem to be solved, not a way to dominate and threaten the whole family.

The shits who use it to threaten and manipulate and guilt other people - they are a whole different kettle of fish

Jux Fri 03-Jan-14 19:16:17

Looking, so sorry you suffer like that. We all know the difference between a person who uses threats for control and someone who needs help. No one is talking about or criticising people in genuine need. It is very sensible of ydou to ask for help when you need it; it must be a hard thing to do so much credit goes to you for recognising it. thanks

LookingThroughTheFog Fri 03-Jan-14 19:19:15

Sorry - I totally didn't mean to derail. For a variety of reasons it's fresh in my mind today, and I find myself wondering whether it really is for the best that we all stay together.

Coming back to the actual point of the thread, I'm lucky in that it's never happened to me. I had one call my Mum to try to persuade me in an 'we're all looking out for you because you're clearly making a bad decision...' sort of way. She told him to bog off though.

BarbarianMum Fri 03-Jan-14 20:14:16

<<It is the most cowardly act. >>

Sorry but I think that's a really shit thing to say. Desperation and despair are not the same thing as cowardice. If you only know suicides who are 'selfish' then you know what - you are fucking lucky.

Lweji Fri 03-Jan-14 20:32:39

It is totally different, Looking.
I went through exH telling me he had suicide thoughts in a different context and I took them seriously. I mentioned them to the doctor and it led to his diagnosis of depression. I'd like to think he was not faking it.
When he threatened to kill himself after I left it sounded ott and totally fake.

Bogeyface Fri 03-Jan-14 20:38:18

Looking I think there is a massive difference between managing what is clearly a very difficult condition and using empty threats to manipulate and control. What you do is help your DH deal with your episodes, not to try and blackmail him.

Jux Fri 03-Jan-14 22:08:37

Barbarian, cowardly and selfish in those circumstances. Not necessarily in other circumstances; for people like Looking who are genuinely suffering it is not at all. But for the guy I knew and the bfs I dumped, yes. Controlling, childish, cowardly and selfish.

PPaka Fri 03-Jan-14 22:17:41

Oh God
H has been threatening it recently

But I think he's changed his mind, he's been telling me he's having a heart attack instead

I just want to get through this Hell to the other side

AdoraBell Sat 04-Jan-14 02:15:56

Just want To add To the pps saying that Looking's situación is different.

You are clearly doing your best To manage your problems and sometimes that means alerting your DH that you are struggling and need extra care and help.

And the suicide I knew was not cowardly, I shan't Go into details as it's not my story To tell, but cowardice was absolutely not a part of it for them.

Those who do take their own lives are usually so desperate that they cannot see a way out of their situación. Those left behind have enough To deal with without misinformed people making sweeping statements that are wildly inacurate.

PPaka I would call his bluff and phone for an ambulancia, everytime he does it. I hope you Get To where you need To be soon.

LookingThroughTheFog Sat 04-Jan-14 07:12:28

The irony is (I'm not sure I mean irony here) is that these ridiculous, controlling empty threats make it a lot harder for other people to say 'I am having a problem...'

Ppaka, for what it's worth, one of my early symptoms is hypochondria. I have a list stuck to the fridge so that we can pick up early symptoms, and that, not being able to eat, flashbacks, and the sudden uncontrollable belief that I only have one leg are all on there. My doctor has it on her records that if I go in with symptoms of something, if there are no actual signs of something, then it's probably a sign of the other thing.

So, in short, a doctor would be a far more appropriate person for him to complain to than you.

mumtosome61 Sat 04-Jan-14 07:21:41

Can I jump in and say threats made by mentally ill (BPD, bipolar, depression, et al) are vastly different to those made out of spite. Yes, they are for attention, but they are rarely idle - they are made through pure fear, shame, guilt and anxiety - those people want help, but sometimes do not know the most appropriate way to go about getting it. It is still worrisome, selfish to some degree and can be annoying if it happens regularly, but it's a red flag that the person who makes the threats is not well and needs people to help in some way.

Idle threats, ie those that are made for manipulative and forceful reasons are low. Suicide is not a bargaining tool, and in its purest form, is not cowardly or selfish - it is an act of desperation and hopelessness.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 04-Jan-14 07:30:02

There's no pure form of suicide, I don't think. Motivations can be as varied as the individual. We don't want to think anyone would kill themselves for malicious or spiteful reasons - we want to feel sympathetic towards them - but it's very clear some do.

PPaka Sat 04-Jan-14 10:51:36

I think I will start my own thread, I don't want to upset anyone here

Solo Sat 04-Jan-14 11:01:07

Just curious Cogito, the reason for your OP. Everything ok?

HissyNewYear Sat 04-Jan-14 11:28:07

Ppaka yes please start your own thread for the support you need. In short, everytime he threatens it, call for ambulance, if there's no immediate risk to him, perhaps call 101 to get advice and RL support for you.

HissyNewYear Sat 04-Jan-14 11:38:55

I told here that my ex threatened it once. It was a manipulative move, I knew that at the time and reacted accordingly.

I have experienced terminally awful non-drug responsive depression. I survived the attempt I made.

That was over 15 yrs ago now, and i've never been close to being depressed again.

I would remove the worse 'selfish' and replace it with self-focussed. Depression consumes your body, mind, everything, everything bad relates back to you.

I heard that depression is anger turned inwards. I think there's a lot in that. It makes a lot of sense.

Making the decision I did was not from weakness, it was to end the war I was fighting (and losing) i'd had enough. I felt that if others knew the pain i'd been in, they'd understand.

I know it was wrong, I did at the time, but the decision was all about ME really, in that I was awful, a pain, a burden and spiralling down hill.

The day after I was released from hospital I felt stronger than before, I think i'd faced down the blackness and survived. I'd won. I've not been depressed since, which if you knew the last few years i've had, would surprise you.

This thread is about those who make the threat to manipulate others. They do it out of their superego, not the loss of it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 04-Jan-14 11:49:57

Everything OK with me, thanks Solo. smile Reason for the thread was that I became conscious that an awful lot of posters in abusive relationships were getting the 'if you leave me I'll kill myself' treatment and feeling all the worry and guilt that goes with it. I'd like to think that a thread with 100+ responses from people who had had the exact same experience might go some way to reassuring those people that, in a high percentage of the cases, it's just a cruel threat.

Tinkertaylor1 Sat 04-Jan-14 12:05:34

My mum used to threaten it.

She did have depression as she had a terrible upbringing. But I think she she did it as a manipulation tool.

It seemed on significant birthdays she would have an episode.

My 16 birthday she rang me up after having NC for a few months to wish me happy birthday and sounded strange . I asked her why she told me she was in the MH ward after trying to hang herself. She also told the MH workers she had ecstasy tablets in her had and they physically restrained her to get them off her but they were the little polo mints and she KNEW they were.

My db heard noises out side his bedroom door on his 16th birthday and heard noises out side his bedroom door and it was DM trying to tie a tv cord around the loft door apparently trying to hang her self.

On my the night before my db gf 21st birthday DM phoned him and accused him of multiple lies and said she was going to kill herself. Db then spent gf birthday knocking on DM door and trying to get in. She was fine of course.

We both have NC with her, but it does worry me that one day she will do it for good.

My exh threatened this, and to take the kids with him.

Strangely they are all still here. I did leave him, have remarried and am on reasonable term with him now, as is my new DH!

It is a long time ago though, and things were VERY acrimonious for a long time.

hattiemattie Sat 04-Jan-14 22:21:33

After he had strangled me, and I gathered all my strength and refused to resume the relationship, ex p threatened to kill himself. I had read on here the advice about calling the police, which I did. Asked them to visit anonymously, but unfortunately he heard my name mentioned on police radio. Think he was a bit embarrassed as it called his bluff somewhat. Next it was the' I've got a terminal illness' phone call. He screwed my mind, and my dc, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but hope karma gets him somehow.

Monetbyhimself Sat 04-Jan-14 22:27:21

Mine. It's what kept me scared and tied to him for years. He also said that he would kill the children and I first. At that point I started to realise things were far from normal.

tawse57 Sat 04-Jan-14 22:41:18

Suicide is high amongst men whose marriages fail - lots of info and ressarch available online with a google.

Yeah... But we aren't talking about those, we are taking about the ones who use it as a bargaining tool in order to get their own way.

Lweji Sat 04-Jan-14 22:51:23

Tawse, that is why I took it seriously enough to spend 30 min with ex, and called his parents. And why I left within the hour when the threatened to kill himself as well as me and DS. I was particularly concerned about the men who do just that.

But not enough to think I should go back because of the possibility that he would kill himself.

PPaka Sat 04-Jan-14 22:57:35

I've just had this, seriously, just this evening
Told me to give him a few months

Actually thinking on this, why is it relevant to the discussion that some men do commit suicide after divorce, should those of us who've been given the ultimatum "stay with me or I'll kill myself" have stayed just in case? If they had killed themselves should we have felt to blame? Why shouldn't we be free to walk away if we aren't happy in a relationship?

catkin14 Sat 04-Jan-14 23:05:05

I had this after my stbxh discovered i was entitled to half our assets when i left him after 26 years of manipulation, arrogance and mind games.
He told me I had taken his family away from him (despite never being involved with them when we were together) and now i wanted to take 'his' money from him. He then said he may as well end it all.
5 weeks later he had moved in with his new partner and as he is fighting the financial settlement tooth and nail i presume he is still alive!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 04-Jan-14 23:06:19

I suppose it would be relevant if Google could also tell us how many of those unfortunate men had used 'I'll kill myself' as a threat before they did it. I suspect precious few.

Solo Sun 05-Jan-14 00:03:26

Glad to know everything's OK Cognito smile

MOG nobody should feel guilty, but that probably stops very few from feeling it. My exh1 and I had been apart for almost 2 decades and I hadn't seen him after taking out an injunction 17 years before he killed himself. Didn't stop my feelings about it at all, but did I want those feelings? Of course not! God only knows what the gf that left him just prior to his suicide felt/feels like sad

AdoraBell Sun 05-Jan-14 01:39:33

Tawse from what I've seen in the News it is also very high among young men, many of whom haven't married and been through a divorce.

There is a vast difference between emotionally blackmailing someone with the threat of suicide and ending your own Life out of desperation.

Nice one tawse - way to make everyone reading this thread and taking help and comfort from it to feel SHIT again. hmm

FluffyJumper Sun 05-Jan-14 02:43:42

Thing is, even if it's not a threat, even if they would do it, that's not a good reason to stay.

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking Sun 05-Jan-14 04:06:24

My mother threatened to, repeatedly, from my very early teens onwards. The last time I can remember was because I wasn't planning on spending Christmas with her. I went ahead with my original plans. She didn't kill herself. She died of entirely natural causes some years ago and I still felt enough misplaced guilt to need an awful lot of bereavement counselling.

Meerka Sun 05-Jan-14 08:17:06

I hate these threats deeply. Like MoG says, why should you live your life hostage to threats like this? it's no better than being a slave without freedom or the right to live your own life. They are wicked threats to make.

Because yes, people do feel guilty if it happens even if it's not their fault and it ruins some people for life. The thought of a small child finding their parent's body is just ... horrific.

Loathsome, wicked threats to make (if it's deliberate manipulation and not genuine deep distress)

Lweji Sun 05-Jan-14 08:26:37

Any threat to prevent a person from leaving is despicable and should be one more reason to leave.

SilenceOfTheSAHMs Sun 05-Jan-14 11:20:42

Good Lord, what a, well, fascinating thread!

BarfaStewart Sun 05-Jan-14 14:51:36

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire Sun 05-Jan-14 01:43:14
Nice one tawse - way to make everyone reading this thread and taking help and comfort from it to feel SHIT again.

But... but... WHAT ABOUT THE MENZ?!

Just waiting for "women do it/abuse too!" to complete the bingo...

Norty! grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 05-Jan-14 14:58:08

My original question was deliberately non-specific. I'm quite sure there's no gender monopoly on this kind of behaviour

BarfaStewart Sun 05-Jan-14 15:00:07

Cog, you are quite right apart from the vast majority of abusers being male. But that's a whole other thread.

Thumby grin Oh shit, did I say the B word? <panic> wink

Strawberrykisses Sun 05-Jan-14 15:53:13

My STBXH has been threatening to kill himself since around April of last year.
I left in September and the threats of suicide really ramped up in October when he found out I was seeing someone.
The police have it recorded as domestic abuse.

AdoraBell Sun 05-Jan-14 21:57:37

Boots hope your councelling is helping youthanks

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking Sun 05-Jan-14 23:43:57

It did Adorabell, thank you - I'm some years on from it now and I've found some peace, with the help of a fabulous counsellor.

AdoraBell Sun 05-Jan-14 23:51:45

Very glad To read that Bootssmile

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking Mon 06-Jan-14 00:17:29

smile

But I tell you what... no-one, and I do mean no-one, ever gets to pull that particular trick on me and stay in my life, ever again.

nennypops Mon 06-Jan-14 00:40:57

It happened to a friend of mine, and after arguments her bf did go so far as to take overdoses a couple of times and ended up in hospital. Not bad enough overdoses to kill him, mind. Eventually she had enough and finally broke up with him. He kept pestering her to come back, and matters came to a head the night a friend of his told him he had seen her in a pub with a flatmate and a couple of male friends. He went into overdrive, phoning and texting her all night with threats against her and the friends. Friends were not at all amused and practically frogmarched her round to the police. She did of course stop answering his calls and he then had the gall to start sending her plaintive texts asking why she wouldn't answer! Police had a word with him, she changed her phone number and fortunately had moved house anyway so he didn't know how to find her.

18 months later, he's still alive and kicking. Friend was however left seriously traumatised both by having spent 3 years in a very controlling relationship and by ex's behaviour, and is really only now getting back to normal.

borninastorm Mon 06-Jan-14 00:47:45

Abusive Ex-H threatened to kill himself every time I tried to leave. It got to the point where I'd say to him: "Go on, if you want to do it so badly just get on with it."

And I tell my two teenage DC's that if a boyfriend/girlfriend threatens to commit suicide they probably won't because the majority of people who do take their own lives don't tell people because they don't want to be stopped.

borninastorm Mon 06-Jan-14 00:48:30

And ex-h is still alive and kicking 15 years later.

Frith1975 Mon 06-Jan-14 01:17:53

My ex husband threatened that he would commit suicide throughout our marriage. He was extremely abusive and I left to go to a refuge in the end.

On the third day after leaving, I thought I would check my answering machine messages (there were many!) The 30th message was basically "I am about to kill myself" (revving noises from the car). "I am going to crash off the side of such and such bridge". (squealing tyre noises and revving then silence).

It was rather upsetting. Then I listened to message 31, sent an hour or so after the "suicide" message and it was 10 minutes of ranting at me for leaving and saying he had put the house on the market!

About 4 years after we divorced, he moved in with another woman and his behaviour was very odd again and the children did not want to see him for a while. Turns out he was treating her the same way he had treated me and an ambulance was called to him because he had told her he had taken an overdose. He refused to get in the ambulance but amazingly is still alive....

Frith1975 Mon 06-Jan-14 01:22:06

hattiemattie - my ex unfortunately played the "terminal illness" or rather life threatening illness with the children. He told them he had to have open heart surgery and needed to go on a heart lung machine.

He hasn't.

Cantabile Mon 06-Jan-14 01:26:27

PPaka, are you OK?

PPaka Mon 06-Jan-14 08:42:14

Cantabile- bless you
Last night was even more of a nightmare
But he's gone to a hotel so at least I have some space

flippinada Mon 06-Jan-14 09:12:43

Good thread. I agree wholeheartedly that threatening suicide is a favoured tool of abusers (seen it in action myself).

However I would like to correct the dangerous assumption that people who talk about suicide don't do it. That's not true.

flippinada Mon 06-Jan-14 09:59:06

Reading back through this thread has reminded me of some rather painful and difficult events in my life. I'd like to extend my sympathy and support to anyone who's been affected by suicide and remind people who are dealing with these threats that you are not responsible and to get some support for yourself too.

Suicide stats do show that more men than women kill themselves but it is a hell of a lot more complicated than 'because relationships end' and suggesting otherwise is ridiculous.

SunshineOnACrappyDay Mon 06-Jan-14 11:09:28

There are people above repeating the myth that suicidal people do not tell other people they are going to kill themselves. Copied from www.samaritans.org

Myth: People who talk about suicide aren’t serious and won’t go through with it.

Fact: People who kill themselves have often told someone that they do not feel life is worth living or that they have no future. Some may have actually said they want to die. While it’s possible that someone might talk about suicide as a way of getting the attention they need, it’s vitally important to take anybody who talks about feeling suicidal seriously.

This thread is about people who pretend to want to kill themselves as part of abusive behaviour. It is not the same as people who are genuinely suicidal and who may talk about killing themselves.

flippinada Mon 06-Jan-14 11:25:14

Agree Sunshine. Good post.

KateAdiesEarrings Tue 07-Jan-14 23:44:06

Sunshine you are right. I think this thread is a good reminder that all suicide threats should be dealt with in the same way ie by calling an ambulance or the police (whichever is most appropriate).

For those who are EA and using the threat to try to maintain a relationship then the presence of the police or an ambulance will help to put their behaviour into perspective; and for those who are serious then the emergency services are best placed to offer support.

Allergictoironing Wed 08-Jan-14 08:43:18

I think a common difference is that people who mean it don't tend to use it as a conditional threat - saying "I'm so miserable I don't want to live any more" is light years away from saying "if you do this/don't do that then I'll kill myself".

Of course this is just a generalisation, and as many have said above it doesn't mean you shouldn't immediately calling the emergency services.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-Jan-14 08:54:11

The whole thread is a generalisation, of course. However, I hope anyone finding themselves put on the spot by such a threat now has some idea what to do about it rather than - as is usually the intention of the person making the threat - be frightened into staying against their will believing it will be all their fault if the person carries it out.

In short... police, ambulance, pass on the Samaritans number or just walk away.

PPaka Wed 08-Jan-14 09:12:34

What do you do when he's threatening it and he's not in your house?
Like its a general threat, "I will do it soon"

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-Jan-14 09:30:39

@Ppaka if they are not in your home and you have no reason to contact them then go strict NC. If you have to be in contact (if there are children for example) then narrow down the opportunities they have to make contact to written only. If all that fails then same advice applies. Send in the emergency services, give him the Samaritans number or simply ignore.

Allergictoironing Wed 08-Jan-14 10:40:46

PPaka I would generally tend to think that if it's only you he's making these threats of suicide to, then it's aimed at you rather than how he feels about himself?

PPaka Wed 08-Jan-14 12:34:20

Yes definitely Allergic, it's an attempt to get me not to separate

AdoraBell Thu 09-Jan-14 03:28:13

Then it's confirming that you should seperate PPaka. Do as already suggested and try not To engage. If DCs involved keep communication in writing and relevant only To access, pick and drop off times. If he calls "sorry, can't talk right now/can't hear you, send me an email"

paperlantern Thu 09-Jan-14 07:03:58

to a general threat the response is the same. "Here is the number of the smaritans"

you don't need to engage any further, you don't even need to do that. The only person's mental health you are responsible for is your own (and dependent children)

atthestrokeoftwelve Thu 09-Jan-14 07:09:20

No but I have had an ex threatening to kill me after I left. He told me he would kill me when I least expected it in the street somewhere.

I still left- that was 18 years ago- never heard from him since.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-Jan-14 09:24:44

Did you contact the police about that threat atthestrokeoftwelve?

atthestrokeoftwelve Thu 09-Jan-14 09:29:21

No I didn't. I was afraid of aggravating him even further.Although I had left him he knew my place of work, where i lived, my family etc, so hard to hide. Thankfully we had no children, but he had been violent towards me during the relationship. I did live in fear for a year or so and would avoid going out in the evenings alone, but as time passed that eased.

WantedAboutTheMincePies Thu 09-Jan-14 13:41:28

No threat of suicide, but yesterday DH threatened to "burn the house down", that "nothing would survive" and that I would "get nothing" if we separate.

Does that alone qualify him as an abusive bully?

bibliomania Thu 09-Jan-14 13:42:46

Wanted - yes. Yes it does, absolutely.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-Jan-14 13:46:00

'Nothing would survive' sounds like a direct threat to me. Remember the tragic case of Christopher Foster's family? Worth taking seriously but doesn't mean you shouldn't separate, of course.

WantedAboutTheMincePies Thu 09-Jan-14 13:54:38

Thank you bibliomania for your quick answer. I am startled by its strength.

Of course, there is much more and a long back-story, and there are some things long ago that I am ashamed of. But I don't think that anything justifies the many nasty things that he has said.

I am plucking up the courage to start my own thread.

WantedAboutTheMincePies Thu 09-Jan-14 14:03:54

I have just looked at the Christopher Foster case. Chilling.

bibliomania Thu 09-Jan-14 14:14:26

Wanted, I think it would be a good idea to start your own thread. Also, are you on this thread? I recommend. The women there know what you are going through.

You often hear the analogy of a frog in boiling water - the frog would jump out immediately if it fell into a pan where the water was boiling, but if he starts off in cold water, he won't get out as it heats up, as it all happens so gradually. Imagine when you were dating, if your H had said those things - you'd have run for the hills, wouldn't you? It is a really terrible thing to say, and I don't care what you've done, you don't deserve that. It sounds like you've learned to minimise things in your own mind for a long, long time.

WantedAboutTheMincePies Thu 09-Jan-14 14:27:44

Thank you bibliomania for the frog analogy and the thread link. I have been lurking on that and several other threads for a while now, and am beginning to realise just how hot the water has become.

My memory plays tricks with me and I quickly "forget" things he has done and said. I found it easy to note yesterday's remarks on this thread but I am having trouble summarising my complete story.

Thumbwitch Thu 09-Jan-14 14:41:15

Wanted - sounds like you're in a dangerous situation - I hope you can find a way to get yourself and any DC to safety. x

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 09-Jan-14 14:48:13

Apparently my mother told my father she would kill herself if he left her. I think this was before he got her pregnant. This meant that when I was ill and told him I wanted to die he thought back to my mother's threat and gave me no support. All are still alive.

bibliomania Thu 09-Jan-14 15:31:10

Wanted, I know exactly what you mean about forgetting - after an "incident" with my ex, it used to feel to me as if my brain was leaking. I strongly recommend a diary (keep in a safe place!) or even logging incidents in a thread here. It helps you see patterns and realize how bad things are, and later, when you leave, it keeps your resolve strong and stops you going back. And if you do end up in a dispute about child contact etc, it can be a pratical help too.

It's okay to lurk for a bit before plunging it. It takes a while to get your head around it, but once you've started to see, it becomes harder and harder to unsee.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-Jan-14 15:35:51

"My memory plays tricks with me and I quickly "forget" things he has done and said"

That's a defence mechanism to help you cope with painful events. Quite normal but, over time, will desensitise you to the point where you can tolerate what others would find abhorrent. Hence why you're startled by the reaction.

Worth starting your own thread with just a small piece of information. As more things happen you can add to it.

Jux Thu 09-Jan-14 15:48:35

Wanted, don't worry about summarising the complete story. Get some important bits down, then more as they come to your mind. People will ask questions, which will help you get more things sorted out. It sounds like you need some serious support. Have you tried Women's Aid?

And yes, definitely manipulative and abusive. If you can, call the police and tell them.

catgirl1976 Thu 09-Jan-14 16:28:39

Yes. I have had that

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