Really dislike my MIL after having my baby

[dobedobedo]

Maybe this should be in AIBU because I probably am, and I feel terrible about it.

My MIL was/is lovely. I always liked her and I always felt lucky to have her as a MIL because you hear some in law horror stories don't you?

But since having ds2 (ds1 from a previous relationship) I can't stand her. In the days after he was born, she kept coming round to the house, kept dousing herself in perfume so ds2 would "know her smell". But really all it did was make him come back to me smelling horrible, not like my baby at all. It seemed that all I got him for in his early days was for pain as he had tongue tie and feeding him was an excruciating, blood and tear filled experience. As soon as I'd fed him, she'd want "her cuddles". If I tactfully tried to ask for some alone time to try and get bf established, she took it as a personal judgement that she didn't bf! (she told dh this).

I spent days after his birth crying, especially when my milk came in and I couldn't even wear a top. So I hid upstairs while dh ferried ds to me for pain for feeding, and then back to MIL for her fucking cuddles. Why couldn't she just wait another week or two? I didn't properly bond with my baby for 2 - 3 months and I blame her (though maybe it was the difficult feeding start so I am prob BU with this too)

I did tell dh to have a word but he is too bloody soft. I already feel like she doesn't like me anymore, like I'm chopped liver - the obstacle keeping her from having her precious grandson whenever she likes.

She keeps trying to create situations where she can have him alone. Why does she need to be alone? I keep saying no, he's bf, what if he's hungry etc.

When ds cries she keeps saying he's only doing it for attention, she doesn't mind crying, and she thinks I'm batshit for feeling upset when ds is hysterical. She wakes him from naps too.

She doesn't have any bad intentions, I don't think. That's why I feel so awful for feeling like this. It's got to the stage where I bristle when she comes near ds. I've asked dh to have a word with her re: the constant crying comments and waking him up, but he hasn't. Meanwhile this resentment is building in me and I'm afraid I'm going to explode at some point. Oh, did I mention we are staying at her house for a week right now? hollow laugh

It seems it's quite common for people to have MIL problems after having a baby. Is there some psychological reason I can use to rationalise it?

At the minute I'm trying to think of a good excuse to go home from this week at her place, early.

Oh dear, didn't realise this post was so long.

I would and did explode when similar (but not nearly so bad) was happening with my in laws. Your DH needs to step up and should have already, if not you're going to have to. Sure you'll be unpopular for a bit and you'll have to watch that your "guilt" doesn't make you back down.

Your post made me feel quite sad. Can read your distress in it .

Your MIL sounds like an over bearing pain in the arse, she's already taken enough from you with regards to those early days with your baby, don't let her take anymore.

In addition, you may not have to "explode" just a few firm and assertive statements may be enough.

Eg: "no more cuddles, ds needs to sleep". Then take him physically

Or

"What on earth are you doing? DON'T wake him up! It's his nap time for goodness sake"

You poor thing! Your MIL sounds utterly overbearing - what a cow!

You need to have some distance and ground rules. You are absolutely entitled to instruct her not to waken the baby, and not to take him from you etc. Your DH should be supporting you with this and strong words are needed with him.

Sorry I'm not sure how helpful my advice is, but I just wanted to say you are 100% not being unreasonable. Your MIL is being completely selfish. Your DH is a wimp.

I think nikki has it. Mil wasn't nearly as bad as this but nonetheless I had to remind myself that ds was MY baby, and that she could sulk but tough. I had the crying one in particular and we had an amusing altercation in a lift eventually where the poor woman who has just got in with us clearly wanted the floor to swallow her. I was polite but firm and told her we would have to agree to disagree regarding crying but that as he was my baby I was going to cuddle him anytime I felt like it.

It's hard if dh isn't backing you up. I had dh's support the whole way which did make it easier.

Practice a few phrases and stand your ground. Use the phrase, I am his mum a lot to yourself and them.

We had some of this when my first dd was born. We recently had the second and I told my dh that if he couldn't manage his mum, I'd be moving back to mine for the first 6 weeks.

Needless to say, it's been a lot easier this time.

It's bloody hard to stand up to the in laws and your DH should be doing it. But if he won't then you can. No one will die!

Things might be a bit awkward at first but then you can rebuild the relationship with your mil on your terms.

I would try and leave her house before the week is up, if your DH chooses to stay then that is up to him. Her behaviour is beyond unreasonable and is more like a power and control issue. These people do have bad intentions; she is creating a lot of problems for you. I would not try and rationalise this in your head, you will get nowhere by doing so and this sort of crap cannot be at all rationalised away. What I can tell you though is it is not your fault she is acting like this, you did not make her this way.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as that may well help you going forward as well.

Your DH is also the problem here as he for his own reasons cannot or will not stand up for you or to his overbearing mother. You've asked him to speak to her and he has not done so. I can only assume he is at heart very afraid of her, is very much in FOG himself (fear, obligation, guilt) and is probably hoping on some level that this all goes away and that you can all get along happily. This will not happen. He needs to be told by you that his inaction and dithering is simply now hurting his own self as well as family unit. I would also try and find out what she was like as a parent to him when he was a child.

You need to raise your own boundaries now with regards to his mother and act on them every single time. Going forward I would also maintain as much distance both physical and emotional from her as possible, there is really no relationship here now to be maintained.

I am really sad to read your post. Your DP needs to step up. You are DSs mother and he needs you his mother. Please be firm with your MiL. She may have had 100s of children (!) but childcare has changed a lot since she was a new mum. Tell your DP you are going home today. You are not sleeping, DS is not settling and you both need to be in your own home. Tell ILs and start packing. Enjoy your DS.

Ps I am MiL and you sound a lovely DiL

I got very prickly around my lovely and much adored MIL after my first baby. There were a few reasons but I don't understand it fully because I don't feel at all similarly with my second baby.

One problem is the ridiculous weight of guilt and judgement re bf/ff that seems to exert such power over women. I think my MIL took my bfing as a bit of a criticism of her ff, which is crazy - she has healthy adult kids, why do mothers beat themselves up over this one decision? My 80yo grandmother told me how she 'failed' at bfing, with obvious pain over 60 years on. So that has the power to cause some conflict.

My MIL also said the thing about not minding if babies cried, but when my baby cried it sent a wave of panic and stress through me and I needed to comfort him. I don't get that panicky feeling with ds2 at all so maybe it was part of new-mother nervousness. But I needed to hold him to alleviate that panic and I couldn't bear her getting in the way.

She really wanted him alone and I couldn't let him out of my sight. Again, I introduced bottles of expressed milk for ds2 at two weeks old because I was desperate for time away! But I was very possessive of ds1. I now wish I'd let her have that time she craved because it seems like a small thing to me now but it was hugely important then.

Becoming a mother is a bug upheaval and it can feel so important to get every detail right, which means keeping control all the time. It's hard when it feels like someone is pushing in and chiselling away at that bond and trying to usurp that position of supreme importance in the baby's life. Now, I feel that the more people who love my children the better and I can see the value in their relationships with the rest of the family. But with my first, I needed everyone to back off a bit whilst I figured out how to be a mother.

It's a very complicated situation and it's sad that these tensions flare up. It all comes from love, but it can be very upsetting and hurtful to feel like someone wants your baby without you such a lot. The waking from naps thing would drive me into a fury, now as well as with ds1. I'd have to be really firm about that.

I think that if you love her and she's a positive part of your family's life, you need to find a way to get through the week. Could you trust her to take the baby for a half hour walk after a feed so she gets some alone time in the hope that will make her back off a bit? I think you have to say something about the naps, definitely.

I don't know what the answer is, but ime these feelings will pass. And one day, her babysitting could be mutually beneficial, even if those days are far into the future!

I normally side with the MIL on these threads as the complaints are quite often so petty and ridiculous.

But your MIL sounds awful from the perfume comment alone.

I know exactly what you mean about you feeding the baby and it being difficult and then said baby is taken away for cuddles. That's awful. I'm not saying your MIL shouldn't have plenty of opportunity to hold the baby but she shouldn't be overruling you or demanding to take the baby off you.

I agree with pretty much all of the suggestions on here and I certainly wouldn't be handing the baby over after feeds. Just refuse when asked and say you'd like to cuddle him yourself while he goes to sleep and she can hold him later for a while.

I would make her useful; say I'm going for a shower now, would you like to hold DS? Or I'd like to make a phone call/eat a meal/nip to the shops, do you mind watching him for a bit?

I have had just this problem OP. My MIL is lovely but has always been so in my space and desperate to e near DC (no other grandchildren). About to have another baby and I
have been SO strict with DH that he needs to
Be assertive and take charge. Who knows whether he actually will but I pray he does. Ultimately I have tried
To make him see that it will be better for everyone if he sorts the situation assertively rather than push me
To breaking point and I'll end up shouting and
Being rude to everyone. Also DHs priority (yours and mine) should me to look after you, not maintain how his mother or anyone else isfeeling. Can you convince your DH using this approach?

My mil was exactly like this. To me it's not normal, loving behaviour. It's obsessive, intrusive and unbalanced.

You can say your mil means well but she doesn't. She means to please herself regardless of your baby's need to sleep or feed in peace.

I really feel for you.

I felt haunted and stalked.

It definitely ruined my first experiences of parenthood.

I am civil to her now but I can't really forgive her for ruining a very special and significant time in our lives.

It sounds harsh but her behaviour rattled me deep down. I was really vulnerable and nervous and she bullied me.

I'm certain ds1 picked up on my tensions and anxiety.

Dh 'stood' up for me by saying to her that she wasn't to 'phone or visit several times a day because I wasn't used to such behaviour.

I'm afraid I had to bark at her to get out of our faces before she got the message. Cue tears and lots of poor me and how it's only that she loves the baby. Which I ignored.

I had to bark again when she drove me to distraction again. Now she seems to behave like a normal loving grandparent. Not like a woman possessed.

You may need to bark at her. I wouldn't have thought a gentle chat with her will work.

YANBU!!! She is being territorial and overbearing! She needs to be told. I echo, as others have said, using firm assertions e.g. "No, sorry you can't h

Posted too soon sorry
"You can't hold Ds he's napping/feeding"
Get your Dh to tell her to back off!!!!

Your Dh is the main problem here I think.
Tell him to grow a spine and support you.
Maybe a mil break?
Tell him that you want some time - one week,2?
Yanbu!

Dh said if I have a problem I should speak to her. I said he doesn't want that to happen as I'm emotional and he can be rational and it's more likely I'll offend her, if that's what he's worried about! But it's getting to the point that I will have to say something if he doesn't.
I'm going to have a word with him ASAP and give him one more chance to say something or I'm off home.

It helps to hear I'm not being a total bitch. Though I feel like one.

Yep, you have a DH problem here.

He needs to understand that the consequences of upsetting you will far outweigh the consequences of upsetting his mummy.

Establish boundaries. Tell her NO and mean it. Don't answer the door if she comes round uninvited ( change locks if she has a key) see her when it suits you and tell her it will be YEARS before she can have DS alone if ever

If she continues to step all over your boundaries by doing shitty things like waking DS from a nap then DH will have to tell her she won't be seeing him again until you can be sure she will behave.

She sounds fairly deranged and will probably have a meltdown

Sorry, X post. Yes, good idea, take yourself and baby off if she won't act in a rational way.

You are not being a total bitch, not at all.

If you have always got on with her in the past maybe she has just gone a bit "mad granny" in all the excitement rather than being a total toxic disaster zone? Hopeful

Go home early - just say you need to be at home. There's no need to elaborate or justify yourself. My MIL was totally overbearing with my first born and I was incredibly protective of DD1 and took ages to get breast feeding established. As it was all about what MIL wanted and not what DD1 and I needed I knew that our needs trumped hers. DH got much better at fielding her calls and rationing visits to a manageable level. It was a battle of wills for a while but we established new boundaries and things are better now she doesn't push it too far.

"Dh said if I have a problem I should speak to her".

What does he think about his mother or does he choose not to think about it. Does he therefore not really have a problem with the ways she is herself behaving?.

Oh what a cop out that is, he is really being weak and feeble here. He is absolving responsibility here to you. That also plays right into his overbearing mother's hands. This is also what I meant about FOG - he is more afraid of her than he ever would be or is of you because you would in time forgive him or get over it (so he thinks). What your man wants really is for this to all go away and for you all to get along, well it will not.

You've already given him more than one opportunity re his mother and he has chosen not to take it. His own weakness here is basically hurting his own self as well as his own family. His primary loyalty is to you now, not his mother.

You can and should establish firm boundaries and maintain these going forward as well. I can imagine all this will bring on further waterworks from mummy as well as possibly a previously unknown in her health problem/scare.

When you have a word, tell him that you will be going home unless he sorts it out and then he will be left having to explain why.

I would tell your DH either he tells her to back of. Or you will.

You need your time to bond with baby and to get in the swing of it

I don't think you are being unreasonable. But I do think that you sound utterly overwhelmed.

Now, I'm sure lots of people will come on with very sensible long winded approaches to try and put your MIL back in her box.

I say - fuck it. Just get angry. It shows that you won't accept being treated like some inconvenient baby incubator which is now just in the way. Also, it might shock your MIL out of her behaviour. And, it's therapeutic for you!

I think you have two/three options:

1. Tell your partner that you are utterly fed up with this. He NEEDS to speak to his mother, or you are going to end up snapping under the strain of her overbearing behaviour. If he won't stand up for you, then yo will do it yourself.
   Her hogging your baby is NOT normal. It doesn't MATTER if she is just so in love with her grandchild. Your their fucking mother for christ sake! This woman has already had her time with her baby (him). Now it's your turn to enjoy having yours. THIS IS NOT HER CHILD. And you are not some sidelined feeding apparatus.

2. If he refuses to stand up for you, I'm obviously not going to say ltb (obviously!) but I would take a wider look at the relationship. This is a pretty huge deal. You are clearly distressed. What kind of man doesn't stand up for his wife when she is vulnerable (with a baby) and distressed?
   A cowardly piece of shit one who is, to be frank, more of a mummys boy than a man. You might want to point out that you are always, ALWAYS going to remember this as the time where you desperately needed him, and he didn't have the spine to help you.

3. If you've spoken to your partner and he is too fucking cowardly to say anything, and you've forewarned him that you may well snap....well...go ahead! Hell girl, you can even blame it on baby hormones later down the line if you want. But basically she needs to be put in her place - she isn't this child's mother, she is RUINING your first experiences of motherhood by constantly taking the baby away from you, from dousing your baby in - frankly - HIDEOUS perfume, by waking the baby up from naps, from ALWAYS being there when you just want some time ALONE.

BACK OFF GRANDMA. You've had your turn at motherhood - now it's YOURS.

Feel free to go as batshit mental as you like. She will cry. Fuck it, so what if she cries!? How much time have you spent crying recently because of this woman?

Then go and stay with YOUR parents and get some space from these people. Tell your husband he's welcome to call you when he grows a pair.

And exit scene.