Really dislike my MIL after having my baby

[dobedobedo]

Maybe this should be in AIBU because I probably am, and I feel terrible about it.

My MIL was/is lovely. I always liked her and I always felt lucky to have her as a MIL because you hear some in law horror stories don't you?

But since having ds2 (ds1 from a previous relationship) I can't stand her. In the days after he was born, she kept coming round to the house, kept dousing herself in perfume so ds2 would "know her smell". But really all it did was make him come back to me smelling horrible, not like my baby at all. It seemed that all I got him for in his early days was for pain as he had tongue tie and feeding him was an excruciating, blood and tear filled experience. As soon as I'd fed him, she'd want "her cuddles". If I tactfully tried to ask for some alone time to try and get bf established, she took it as a personal judgement that she didn't bf! (she told dh this).

I spent days after his birth crying, especially when my milk came in and I couldn't even wear a top. So I hid upstairs while dh ferried ds to me for pain for feeding, and then back to MIL for her fucking cuddles. Why couldn't she just wait another week or two? I didn't properly bond with my baby for 2 - 3 months and I blame her (though maybe it was the difficult feeding start so I am prob BU with this too)

I did tell dh to have a word but he is too bloody soft. I already feel like she doesn't like me anymore, like I'm chopped liver - the obstacle keeping her from having her precious grandson whenever she likes.

She keeps trying to create situations where she can have him alone. Why does she need to be alone? I keep saying no, he's bf, what if he's hungry etc.

When ds cries she keeps saying he's only doing it for attention, she doesn't mind crying, and she thinks I'm batshit for feeling upset when ds is hysterical. She wakes him from naps too.

She doesn't have any bad intentions, I don't think. That's why I feel so awful for feeling like this. It's got to the stage where I bristle when she comes near ds. I've asked dh to have a word with her re: the constant crying comments and waking him up, but he hasn't. Meanwhile this resentment is building in me and I'm afraid I'm going to explode at some point. Oh, did I mention we are staying at her house for a week right now? hollow laugh

It seems it's quite common for people to have MIL problems after having a baby. Is there some psychological reason I can use to rationalise it?

At the minute I'm trying to think of a good excuse to go home from this week at her place, early.

Your MIL is taking advantage of your vulnerability, as did mine. We have never been the same and I still don't think she knows why I'm different towards her now. All I can say is, do what you want and bugger her feelings, because she doesn't give a crap about yours.

It took me three years to like my pil again after they fucked up when dd was born.
Grandchildren seem to send sane people mad.
I wish I'd spoken up as dh did his best but being his parents they just kind of pushed on.
I am convinced it contributed to or was a factor in me having pnd, largely cos I was angry and bitter.
They seem ok now but im stronger and far more assertive when I'm not cut from hip to hip or bleeding like a stuck pig!!
Funny that.
Your dh should say something but in the absence of that just take a deep breath and say it. Remember you are the one with the power not her, you have something she wants so its in her interests to listen.
Good luck x

This is a little against the grain, but actually I'd leave DH out of it and deal with her yourself. We had similar with my MIL, and DH could not get that what was going in was not normal. Luckily we were in our home, and luckily she pissed me off big time when DH wasn't around and I threw her out. Lead by example, your DH (like mine) will probably see the light in time. A glimmer of hope for you, it turned out long term that my PIL actually are not very interested in the realities of GC. MIL likes to buy them stuff, but is not interested enough to know what they would like (DS1 is 4 and made me proud with his eye roll at another peppa activity book). So it's very much on our terms now, and has been for at least 2 years. There was a blip when ds2 was born. In fact PIL, SIL and BIL all behaved discracefully. But I dealt with it immediately (whilst sitting next to the incubator FFS). The fall out with BIL had been permenant, my SIL totally got it and apologised. PIL have as much time with the kids as they ask for. So very little. They turn down invitations and never offer to help. It might be a situation of my own making, but they are adults too and if they truly gave a shut they'd make se effort. And for balance, I've had similar issues with my own mother, though she is mostly more interested and has our happiness and well being at heart.

Honestly go home now. He is being ridiculous. It takes an enabler to allow tis type of situation. He should be protecting YOU

I wish I could print this off and show dh, but then he'd know my mn username!
I'm making a mental note of a lot of this thread and will use as and when required. I'm not putting up with this anymore

Do go home.

this is your time, your precious time and nothing can bring it back.

Or take hampton's advice and get angry. Your husband is being utterly useless here. You're at an extremely vulnerable period and you need a bulldozer MIL like you need a hole in the head.

Go home now. If you stay longer the damage between you and your MIL will be longer lasting than it is already. And so will the hurt be for you.

Feel angry on your behalf with your H OP! He is not 'too soft' he is just prioritising your Mils feelings above yours and he would rather you were angry and frustrated than her.

Print thread off and then name change if you think it will help.

To give you a ray of light here. My (lovely) PIL & BIL came to stay when I was first out of hospital with ds. They were rubbish. No help at all, distracted Dh from helping me, like your MIL my MIL didn't bf - and whilst she was notionally supportive, she obv found it hard emotionally, and didn't really get that I needed space. We didn't have an end date and Dh didn't want to make them feel unwelcome. In the end, I sat his mum down and told her - I hope gently but firmly - how I was feeling and that we needed a bit of time as a new family. She utterly accepted it - or at least pretended to - and they were gone less than an hour later. No one was offended, and they have a fantastic relationship with their grand kids now. And indeed with me, I hope. It did take a while for me not to be cross with them, and I really wish I'd said my piece sooner. But after that my MIL has been a star -and supportive of our choices, even when she clearly disagrees! I suspect I scared her a little ;-)

I would sit her down & try and talk to her & get her to see your side. With dh's mum I did blame hormones a lot as a get out clause - eg I know this may be irrational, but this is how I feel.

Dh btw was with me when I had the conversation, but would never have been able to say it. He still hates anything that might upset his family, but has got much better - his parents are lovely, and would never want to upset us - just sometimes their parenting style is hugely at odds with ours. and I must say he will always support me.

I would also tighten down on things she does that you are not comfortable with - if she goes in when he's napping, I think the 'what on earth are you doing. Rule one, never disturb a sleeping baby' . Look furious and hustle her out. Or offer to set your alarm for 2am and see how she likes it...

dobedobedo my heart goes out to you and I can feel your pain and send you big ((hugs)) what an awful women this is and I do think OH needs to cut the apron strings very quickly,and this is from a MIL to two x DIL.
I would never dream of undermining those two girls for anything to do with their children they are their children not mine.OH & I are just here for any help they need and never interfere we have our own life to lead thank you very much.
Is there any special reason you are staying at MILs house as I do think you need the quiet and relaxing space of your own home,and put your foot down with regard to OH taking baby to MILs for cuddles arrange for visits to suit you not your MIL.We only go to visit when we want to or if DSs & DILs want to go out somewhere and not take little ones thats what grandparents do.

Her behaviour isn't normal, waking a baby for a cuddle, and denying a baby being fed because she enjoying a cuddle is fucking cruel. She is being cruel to your baby.

I think if I was in your position I would tell him to stand up for his own baby or you will do it in a very tiger mother way. If your MIL doesn't care about her own grand child's needs then why should you really care about her feelings.

As a pp said grandchildren seem to send grandparents from sane to mad, and we the parents pussyfoot around not wanting to cause arguments/ill-feeling. Unfortunately that builds resentment, mixed with tiredness and hormones, it could possibly go boom!! She seriously needs to back off.

KayKayBlue has said it all! God this MIL of yours has pissed me off and I've never even met the woman!

I feel claustrophobic on your behalf. I would just go home and have some time just you and the baby.

Speaking as a MIL, I can only relate my own experiences and feelings but I suspect that they may becommon aamong new grandmothers.
Becoming a grandmother was a rather bittersweet experience for me and more than anything it was a stark reminder that I am no longer the mum but am now the grandma.
I love being with my grandchildren, but they remind me of happy family times with my own children that have
gone forever. I think for me, holding and cuddling my grandchildren is in some ways a means of holding on to those past years that flew by all too quickly.
Maybe your MIL is trying to come to terms with getting older and the shift in her position in the family.

By waking a sleeping baby? Oh okay.

Your dh needs to help you here. Is he not concerned that his ds is not being let sleep when tired, eat when hungry, be comforted when crying? Why does he think its soley your problem?

Your mil only cares about what she wants, not whats best for your baby. You and your dh need to set some ground rules-ie no waking baby from nap, no commenting on your parenting, baby is to be fed when hungry.

I also think you should go home and get some space. All this close contact is just making things worse.

Yep I agree with all the people saying your dh should be dealing with his mum, otherwise you'll get the wrap for being a cow when actually you're being completely reasonable. I also agree with not understanding why you're staying there for a week, by itself this early it's a recipe for disaster for most people.

Can you go home today? Maybe fake an emergency - get away from her so you can get some energy back.

My MIL was like this with DS1 (including holding him in a way he hated but ignoring me telling her not to do it repeatedly until he cried himself to sleep and when she left I sat and cried). The only way to be with people like this is direct and assertive.

Now my MIL still tries her little tricks but she is afraid of me and knows she cannot dominate me or the kids as I simply do not allow her to.

I think you should go home.
Overriding the baby's needs is pretty bad behaviour. You do need to tackle it, but I rather think it is best done from a distance and from a place where you are in control.

Rows are awful, but don't be so afraid of confrontation that you underreact and end up suffering.

Your husband is being weak. He doesn't seem to have made the mental adjustment to being a parent (looking after the children comes first) and is still being a son. His mother is waking up the baby and disrupting feeds for no good reason at all. He should be cross about that on his own account, not refusing to think or talk about it.

Psst! As well as having my own mil issues when dd was born (now 3) I also am a mil and gma and didn't behave ike this and I adore my ds and dgs, a normal woman would never intrude upon a new mum and baby, they just wouldn't.

You need to read toxic in laws , roughly a tenner off Amazon. Your mil is toxic , and this problem is much deeper and complex than it appears. Your husband has badly let you down , and has made his position brutally clear , mother comes first. In these scenarios daughter's in laws are often manipulated into challenging the matriarch , for no other reason than the son won't. Son tends to stand in the background clutching what's left of his balls. They will likely state that you are causing problems , that you are tearing the family apart ect. Don't be fooled , this has probably been going on for generations.

Like lots of other social dynamics this is very scripted , all three of you will likely play out the typical script and you will have a role assigned to you by both of them. Buy the book , get informed , and don't negotiate.

I think you need to go home but she needs putting firmly in her place or this will get worse
IMO your relationships will never be quite the same because she is trying to compete with you for the title of most important person in your ds life
Set your stall now and take charge

If it's upsetting you then you do something about it. I kind of agree with your DH.

Your DS is your child but he is her grandchild and they are precious. I think you need to let her be involved but you also need to give clear instructions.

If you have a routine, tell her.
If you have rules, tell her.

Use her for break every now and again. Feed him and then ask her to take him out for a walk while you shower - win/win.

I think she has good intentions, you are a little tired and hormonal and she has unknowingly broken your rules. Remember that parenting has changed over the last 30 years but she may have not got the memo. It's no longer 4 hourly feeds, limited daytime napping and crying it out to get into the routine. Educate her, don't restrict her with her baby grandson, it's mean!

You could print this off and black out your name. Or change your name afterwards.

I think you should say something before you get so angry that you explode and probably say more than you want to say.

She sounds awful, OP.

We're at her house for a holiday, she lives at a sea side town about 3 hours away from us (but is up most weekends).

Thanks for all your advice! I've had words with dh, he's promised to not let MIL wake ds etc and tbf, today has been fine. Apart from FIL, MIL and BIL telling us what we're doing later (going swimming then a fun fair tonight apparently). I've put my foot down and said we aren't doing that as a fun fair and a baby who cluster feeds at the same time sounds like hell to me. They seemed a bit taken aback but dh backed me up (think he's afraid not to after I told him he'd either have to back me up or deal with the fall out if I lost it under the pressure) immediately.

You're right (forget names!) but I'd rather get angry than let the resentment grow. And I did tell dh if today wasn't better and if he didn't step up and stand up to them the way I would to my parents, I was going home with the kids and he could explain why. No one in this family says anything to offend each other. It's so different to my family where we'll speak our mind, row, make up (eventually at least) and be done with it!

Might buy that book as well. Though I'm hoping it's temporary grandparent insanity and not a deeper rooted dysfunction.

Sorry I'm rambling now. Thanks though.

To clarify, I didn't say everyone else couldn't do the funfair, just that ds and I wouldn't be. I'm not that bossy!