Really dislike my MIL after having my baby

[dobedobedo]

Maybe this should be in AIBU because I probably am, and I feel terrible about it.

My MIL was/is lovely. I always liked her and I always felt lucky to have her as a MIL because you hear some in law horror stories don't you?

But since having ds2 (ds1 from a previous relationship) I can't stand her. In the days after he was born, she kept coming round to the house, kept dousing herself in perfume so ds2 would "know her smell". But really all it did was make him come back to me smelling horrible, not like my baby at all. It seemed that all I got him for in his early days was for pain as he had tongue tie and feeding him was an excruciating, blood and tear filled experience. As soon as I'd fed him, she'd want "her cuddles". If I tactfully tried to ask for some alone time to try and get bf established, she took it as a personal judgement that she didn't bf! (she told dh this).

I spent days after his birth crying, especially when my milk came in and I couldn't even wear a top. So I hid upstairs while dh ferried ds to me for pain for feeding, and then back to MIL for her fucking cuddles. Why couldn't she just wait another week or two? I didn't properly bond with my baby for 2 - 3 months and I blame her (though maybe it was the difficult feeding start so I am prob BU with this too)

I did tell dh to have a word but he is too bloody soft. I already feel like she doesn't like me anymore, like I'm chopped liver - the obstacle keeping her from having her precious grandson whenever she likes.

She keeps trying to create situations where she can have him alone. Why does she need to be alone? I keep saying no, he's bf, what if he's hungry etc.

When ds cries she keeps saying he's only doing it for attention, she doesn't mind crying, and she thinks I'm batshit for feeling upset when ds is hysterical. She wakes him from naps too.

She doesn't have any bad intentions, I don't think. That's why I feel so awful for feeling like this. It's got to the stage where I bristle when she comes near ds. I've asked dh to have a word with her re: the constant crying comments and waking him up, but he hasn't. Meanwhile this resentment is building in me and I'm afraid I'm going to explode at some point. Oh, did I mention we are staying at her house for a week right now? hollow laugh

It seems it's quite common for people to have MIL problems after having a baby. Is there some psychological reason I can use to rationalise it?

At the minute I'm trying to think of a good excuse to go home from this week at her place, early.

Don't let anyone dismiss your feelings as a result of being tired, hormonal and over emotional.

And don't let anyone put the guilts on you for putting you and your ds first over anyone else's needs. Especially now.

Having been in your shoes I strongly recommend that book. Him backing you up isn't enough. There's really no reason he couldn't have spoken up about the fair / swimming not being practical himself. When you get home you both need to discuss this calmly , what is and isn't ok , and how your both going to deal with them from now on. Tiptoeing around them so as not to upset them can't continue.

It's not fair to put you in the role of spokeswoman with him backing you up because he's been told to. He needs to speak up himself , and he needs to do it from his own point of view , otherwise this has potential to become " dobee is pissed off about x issue , I don't feel that way , but she's a bit funny " sort of thing.

Bad, you're right. I think I might read these replies out to him, or show him and change my name.

OP I had something similar with my ILs after my dd was born. I was mightily pissed off and let DP know what was going on and what I wasn't prepared to put up with. He was pissed off with them by that point too and told them they where too overbearing. It didn't go down well but they are finally getting the message (with regular gentle reminders) that we are the parents and what we say goes.

Your PiL are his parents so he has to deal with them; his priority should be you and your DC not them. Establish the boundaries now to help prevent things growing worse.

As atilla says I would try and find out what things were like when he was growing up as this will be very telling. Also you don't mention a fil , is there one ? Often these fil have also been neutered and sit passively by while all this is going on. Effectively they are enablers.

I'm sorry to say I don't think this is a case of over enthusiastic grandma. Insisting on cuddles at your expense , the perfume , and the bleating about breastfeeding are simply not normal. Nor is waking him up from naps.

Before DS was born (he is 12 weeks), DH went to a "boot camp for Dads" where new fathers brought their babies and fathers-to-be to talk about fatherhood and what to expect. The one thing that was unanimous was that the biggest job for a new dad was to protect the mum from difficult family members (no matter how well-meaning).

I thought I would have no trouble - I get on really well with my ILs normally and I have learnt to be very upfront with my mum as well. I was wrong, for sure, my mum was great but there is no doubt my relationship with my ILs has been soured by the whole experience. Similar stuff - being demanding of cuddles, prioritising their time with DS over my recovery (I had a c-section) or my need to BF, not understanding why I was happy to be topless with DM but not MiL. They were/are also really demanding with DH, wanting him to organise and sort things out for them, crying on the phone to him when I asked for a morning alone in the house for some peace and quiet, all that sort of thing. DH spent over 2 hours on the day we came out of hospital trying to sort out a hotel for them (we didn't have room in our house) - they were driving to us and there was no reason they couldn't have called from the car. Poor DH - it was very hard watching him try to deal with them and tell them no when he hadn't had to before. He did it though.

I am sure you get the picture. Weirdly, almost all of my new Mum friends had very similar issues either with ILs or their own parents. In our case, I think it has always been easy to put the ILs first because we are both pretty easygoing. For the first time, that has changed and we have new priorities and it has thrown into relief that life will be different from now on and we can't just suck it up and run around after them. That, combined with the general grandparent battiness that seems to afflict some new grandparents, is really tricky IMO.

Anyway, I am just sharing all this because I'm definitely finding that having a baby caused issues with my ILs that I wasn't expecting. DH and I have to remind ourselves when we are with them that our new family unit has to come first and that we have to learn to say no and mean it. We don't want to be the kind of parents who let our new family (or our son!) suffer to appease grown adults who should be able to handle it. The absolute best thing for you all with a newborn is to be allowed to establish yourselves as new parents, bond and find your feet. There will be loads of time for GP cuddles and all of that later on, and I think that the more secure you are with your baby, the easier it'll be to let go later, when you are ready.

I have to say that after reading everyone's bad in law experiences, I feel quite lucky in that my partner is pretty much NC with his parents and his siblings are too young to be interested in baby stuff!!

I totally sympathise. It's so strange that some women who have had a baby themselves can be so lacking in empathy in my opinion. My MIL booked herself a train and arrived to stay the day we came from hospital after issues establishing feeding. Had the arse on that we weren't around to pick her up from the station (my mum went and got her and took for a coffee to give us half an hour to ourselves at home and she kept sitting their holding DS when I needed to go and try and feed and was bugger all help at all.

I remember hissing at my husband in another room that he needed to get rid of her before I said something awful. It did really annoy me and I found it hard to forget as she tainted our first days at home.

I hope it all works out ok.

Your baby, your rules. Disappear to bed with the baby when she arrives. Have bath and change ready for baby when she leaves.

Some grandmas don't understand that their role is to look on and support. They think they're still 'mummy'. No, we're not. You are mummy and you are the boss. You only have to say so and stick with it and you'll see that it works.

No-one is entitled to your baby except you. Don't take any notice of the 'its not my baby its the family's baby' bollocks people churn out. The person who grew the baby is the mum (same applies if you adopt - your baby....).

When my granddaughter was tiny, her mum was exhausted, so had the privilege of sitting up with baby overnight. That was wonderful for me. That was the time I had with her - when it supported my daughter. That's what grandmas should be doing but we all need training in 'mum's ways' because they are different from ours.

'so had the privilege' should be 'so I had the privilege'. Sorry.

Well done for standing your ground about tonight

You are all in a new situation and so you need to nip this behaviour in the bud now before it becomes a more established pattern. Your DH needs to learn to step up to his new responsibilities and remember he's a father now not the child in the dynamic

I was young when I had my first dc and honestly one of the best things I've ever done was set firm boundaries, in my case it was more my mother that was overstepping. Because I did that early on everyone was happier in the long run, once I felt my decisions about my baby were being respected I was happier for others to have more time with him- had I felt ignored and steamrollered I would have pulled away and they would have hardly seem him

By putting your foot down now you are protecting your future relationship with her, if she keeps pushing you you will snap and then nobody wins

I think this is beyond normal grandmotherly enthusiasm. Looks like your MIL's determined to stake her claim.

You're not a wobbly first time mum, unsure and inexperienced. She can't use that as an excuse.

How is she with DS1? Not saying she'll be giving DS2 preferential treatment - I don't know the age gap - but she needs to back off.

Anyone who tries telling you you're hormonal or irrational - fine, use that, give both barrels. She's not going to stop unless you tell her yourself.

I think you should stay one more night. At 3am wake MIL up for a cuddle.

Seriously though, everyone is right. Your DH needs to step up, and I wouldn't be afraid to be a bit more assertive either. It doesn't sound like you have much to lose.

We went through this with my MIL, it was tiresome but I can be quite formidable and soon nipped it in the bud. It's hard though, especially when the baby was small. With DC2, I wasn't able to breastfeed and I was upset about that. The ILs came to stay for a month (yes, I know, not ideal) and I spent the first two weeks in a silent battle with MIL over feeding the baby, who was two weeks old. We would both dash for the bottle and since I was very raw after my csection I often lost. Eventually I snapped and told her off. And that was that. Not always easy though.

YANBU

Your DH was BU

Your MIL is BU.

You are a saint to let her spend so much time with such a young baby, and if you don't want to be there - go. Your baby needs you, and needs you to be happy.

I had a similar problem with my mil when my daughter was born (she's now nearly 5). Whenever my newborn baby began to cry my mil would walk over to me, hold out her arms and bark 'give her to me, give her to me'. It was as though she thought she could do a better job than me at comforting my baby. My blood used to boil and I think I had steam coming out of my ears but my mil never seemed to think she was out of line and she must have thought that she was somehow helping. Luckily my dh did back me up a bit and said 'mum she's fine where she is' and it took a lot of pressure off from me having to tell her all the time. She was overbearing in a few other ways too and it did cause me to go off her a bit whereas before my daughter was born I thought she was great. I've never forgotten it either and can see how she manipulates situations even now, I see her in a totally different light which is a shame. It's almost like she changed once the baby was born. I stood my ground though and wouldn't let her go off with my baby until she was at least 5 months old. Some might say that was a bit harsh but hey ho - that's how I felt at the time.

If you can get the support of your husband then that would help you no end. Have a heart to heart with your husband and tell him how you feel, explain everything and what you need him to do. And if he still doesn't support you then you have very right to blow up at your mil, your husband will have had enough warning. If you do end up blowing up at your mil it might really help the situation, she might cry and blah blah but it might get her to back off and rethink what she's doing. You can always rebuild your relationship with her afterwards. Good luck :)

dobedo to recap you said that your MIL was lovely and you originally liked her and it is only since the 2nd Child ( her blood relative ) was born that you have experienced this revulsion towards her.
I admit she has not behaved well. However, from what you have said I think that she has been overcome by the sheer emotion of having a GC.
As a Grandmother myself I think I was stunned by the force of the emotion I felt when seeing my first GC. I fell deeply in love. Luckily for me the first GC was born to my DD.
The relationship between a MIL and DIL is difficult. Two women loving the same man ! If only we could all be honest and assertive with one another. But not all of us have the confidence, so we get angry and aggressive.
You loved your MIL once and can again if you can find ways of telling her without destroying her completely.
She obviously does not realise what she is doing. Why would she deliberately want to hurt you and her GC?
You may not know it but you hold all the cards and she is in danger of losing her son and GS if you make your DH Choose.

Please give her a chance to make amends before this happens. If you don't or can't tell her you will end up by becoming more and more angry, both with her for being her and with yourself for not being able to be emotionally honest.
Your DH loves his DM. Isn't that right? You will want your sons to love you. His DM loves your DH as you love your sons.
As as you are also the DM of sons you may well find yourself in exactly the same situation one day. It is not an easy relationship to get right as none of us are perfect.
I honestly think it is better that any 'telling' comes from you, as if your DH does it his DM will think it came from you anyway. Your DH will be torn between the two women he loves.
Best of luck thinking up assertive ways to tell her. Xxx from me as it is not a easy situation.

Why would anyone think they are entitled to do what they like with someone else's baby? Unless you are the parents of course.

This sort of attitude is staggering.

tooyoungtodie's post sounds a pretty likely explanation.

it seriously needs to stop, now. But leaving or else good assertive behaviour will hopefully stop it in its tracks before any more damage is done.

Little update:

Last night I was speaking to dh and he was not on the same page as me at all. He thought she wasn't that bad or that I was unreasonable, ungrateful, a horrible bastard etc for asking him to upset his mum.

I was very upset, crying etc. I even read out this mn thread to him but he wanted to come on to say that she wasn't there the whole time after he was born, and to put across a more reasonable perspective (okay then!). He didn't in the end and he did speak to his mum. She didn't take it too bad (she's sorry he's just so gorgeous she can't help herself etc).

I feel quite emotionally battered today, but hopefully things will be better. Might still get that toxic inlaws book just in case!

I had similar problems with dc1 and mil and am 7yrs down the line. Thankfully, I have a very open relationship with her and know that- forgivably, excusably, understandably -I was being unreasonable too. The key thing is that your relationship was fine before, you liked and loved her. She isn't toxic or a bitch or a cow and you don't need to make her cry, go batshit crazy at her or be nasty. She is making a few mistakes. Forgive her if you can. She is a new grandmother. She hasn't got a rule book. She is human.

I didn't realise what it is like to become a grandmother, particularly for a MIL. It is relevant that you both love DH. She loves your DH with ferocity. Unconditionally and based on a whole life of bringing him up. Exactly how you feel about your baby but also with years of memories and the bittersweet feelings of him growing up and loving another woman and prioritising her now. Sounds like she did all of that brilliantly. Then they have a baby and you are blindsided by how much you love the baby. You never thought you'd feel that wave of unconditional, amazing love again and it mixes with memories and the happiest days of your own life and you're seeing your own tiny baby becoming a father and you feel connected to that baby in a way you never expected.

And you want to help. You see your lovely dil upset and struggling and you want to make it better. You remember wishing that somebody would just take the baby for a while and give you some alone time. So she wants to do it, she brightly and breezily reassures you the crying doesn't bother her because she wants you to know it's okay, she is helping. She makes offhand comments about him crying for attention because she sees the hysteria on your face when Ds cries, the rising panic and she is trying to reassure you that he's fine, that she knows from experience that babies cry sometimes and she wants to help. The perfume thing? Maybe she knows from her day, maybe she read it recently but it is written all over the place that babies recognise important people by smell. She rightly is and wants to be known to her grandson. It helps you, it helps the baby.

You say you know she hasn't got bad intentions. She's just human and makes mistakes like all of us and not a single person has gently explained anything to her. All she sees is you getting more upset, more hysterical and more withdrawn from her. And of course she wants to help.

I get it, I do. I could quite cheerfully have buried mil under the patio if she called DD 'our baby' once more. Or whisked her off when she was crying and my arms ached and I felt near panic. But to mil it just looked like I was stressed and she wanted to help desperately. And she was so in love with her granddaughter that she ached to hold and love her too.

You don't have to put up with it. You are feeling normal, overwhelming feelings and you can see on here it's so so common. But you say yourself it's the first time your relationship has suffered strain, you know she is well intentioned and not a single person has told her a thing so she's just carrying on trying to help. It is okay to go home if you want, it's okay to say you don't like certain things and to ask her to do things differently. Just don't write off a woman you previously liked over something she hasn't been given the opportunity to fix. You already say it's getting better. It just require s communication.

DD and my mil are v close and have just been away together for 3 days. DD is so very lucky to have her.

showy I don't know you but I love you. We are on the same page. I feel very uncomfortable with the violent responses on MN saying go Ape S* FFS, Toxic etc.
Here we have two very decent women in an emotional situation. Both love the same man, Mmmm difficult, and both are facing a new situation.
I am so glad to see that the MIL in this case has responded to being told. Things are on the up.
dobedo I am so pleased to read that things have improved. Give your DMIL a chance to put it right. Unfortunately not many of us are mind readers and I am sure she would be appalled to think she had hurt you in any way.

It might help to try and dwell on this woman's good points? Is she generous? Has she welcomed you into her family? Has she herself been a good mother etc

Your DH will also be distressed by what is going on. He may not cry,because blokes don't. It is much better not to cry, but just stay as positive as possible and tell him what you need. He will be struggling terribly between the two of you.
Have you never had a friend who you have forgiven for some awful gaff? You will be rewarded with love and affection if you try and forgive your DMIL. I think love and affection are well worth fighting for when the alternative is hate and NC.
Best of luck xxx

What a lovely balanced post showy

You're putting up with too much, OP. You don't need to be 'good' or understanding when it comes to your baby (though you clearly are, which is lovely). The most important people where your baby is concerned is the baby and you. Your relationship and your well-being are paramount. After the baby's dad, other relatives have to wait their turn. It's best for everyone in the long run.

If you don't stand up to your MIL (you can still do it pleasant-ish), you will probably end up exploding at some point, which will only confirm her views that you were unreasonable to stand up to her at all. Practice saying, 'Don't do that, please!', 'No, not this time,' and 'I'm sorry darling but your mother isn't my priority' in the mirror .

dobedo lovely to hear your MIL took it reasonably well. Really nice.

Good luck x