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Original poster

Woken up to have my heart broken - how would you react?

75 replies

GREENFINGERS11 · 11/08/2014 21:19

Partner of 22 years (we have 2 kids together) and I went out on Sat night with another couple we know very well, parents of our childrens best friends and very much in our social circle and two of our closest friends.

My partner spent most of the night with the other woman talking, laughing, etc. leaving me and her husband left like lemons the rest of the night. I could have literally walked off and he would not have noticed. This has happened a few times causing her husband to say he has trust issues with my partner and his wife.

At the end of the night in the taxi, woman's husband was so drunk he sat in the front and fell asleep. Woman sat inbetween me and my partner in the back. We were pretty sober by then. I was talking to my friend and noticed that my partner had his hand on her knee the whole way home and she made no attempt to remove it.

I asked him when we got home if he fancied her and he just fell asleep.

I went to the spare room. The following morning he came in, woke me up and told me 'Yes, I did fancy her, I'd rather be a man and tell the truth'. I think I actually felt my heart break.

I then stormed off and havent spoken to him since. He is since telling me he loves me and he was just drunk but if that is the case why did he come in and wake me up the following morning when not drunk to tell me this?

How would you react? I have lost all trust and self confidence in a heart beat. I thought we had never been happier, have a great realtionship, great sex life etc.

I just need to know how you would respond and react as I am a mess.

OP posts:
HumblePieMonster · 11/08/2014 21:22

Did he fancy her, or is he having it off with her?
If he just fancied her, that's not too bad. Stop seeing them and move on.
But he often spends time laughing with her, and he puts his hand on her knee? Don't like that.
Have you checked his emails and phone?

magoria · 11/08/2014 21:23

There is more than one thing here. It is perfectly normal for people in steady relationships to fancy other people. That is not wrong.

What they do about it is what makes it wrong.

Your P was happy to ignore you all night, touch her in front of you and come and tell you so factually what he did. He did it with fuck all care, love or even just plain respect for you.

You deserve better than to be treated like this.

AnyFucker · 11/08/2014 21:23

he is shagging her, sorry

Original poster
GREENFINGERS11 · 11/08/2014 21:24

He now says he doesn't fancy her but then I can't understand why he said he did? I am not as naive enough to think he will never fancy anyone else, he works in an office full of very attractive women and it's human nature to like other people, have people who make you feel good etc. but it's the fact it was so blatantly done in front of me and with someone who I considered a friend. This person is at every single social thing we go to and will be very hard to avoid.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/08/2014 21:26

I rarely suggest contacting the other partner, but I reckon it is appropriate here

he already has "concerns" about his wife's relationship with your husband, I suggest you find out exactly what they consist of

Sinfandel · 11/08/2014 21:44

I'm sorry, but it sounds like there's more to this than him simply fancying her.

AlpacaMyBags · 11/08/2014 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mammadiggingdeep · 11/08/2014 21:51

He sat in the back of the car with his hand on her knee???!!!!! Wtf?? I would have gone fucking ballistic. I don't care how drunk he was- totally out of order. Then he said he fancied her in the morning? Op, I'm sorry but he is taking the absolute piss.

AF is right, contact the woman's husband.

monsterowl · 11/08/2014 22:01

Just to add a different perspective here - it doesn't sound to me as if he is having sex with this woman. I think that if he was, he would have tried to shrug it off - unless he's actually planning to leave OP, which doesn't sound like it's the case given he's trying to make it up to her. Sounds more like he's just an arsehole when drunk, and then mortified the next morning.

I think, though, that it's sensible to take steps to stop it happening again. Stop seeing these people. Make sure the other couple know why. And if you can't stop seeing them - for God's sake don't you and the other guy sit there like lemons while your drunken partners flirt with each other! Make a scene and let your partners know it's not acceptable behaviour.

Better still, ask your DH to stop drinking. Some people are just unbelievable tossers when they get drunk, but actually quite nice when they give it up (I went out with someone like this).

theendoftheendoftheend · 11/08/2014 22:05

I think he was being honest. He was drunk, and he fancied her. She sounds like a flirt. You did ask him, and i think it was best he was honest.
I think you need to try and keep calm so you can actually discuss it with him Flowers

WipsGlitter · 11/08/2014 22:07

I agree. I don't think they're having it off, OP do you think that's at all possible? Has he been acting different, would he have the opportunity to cheat?

I'd just cut all contact with them, irrespective of your kids friendship.

AnyFucker · 11/08/2014 22:09

I think these two are up to something and in plain sight . The booze just made your H a bit more careless/carefree than usual.

InanimateCarbonRod · 11/08/2014 22:14

It seems to me that he was blatantly letting you know that he fancied her by putting his hand on her knee. I think he was hoping you would invite her back to your house so he could have his cake and eat it. So to speak.

mammadiggingdeep · 11/08/2014 22:25

Call me old fashioned but there's fancying someone whilst put with your spouse and then there's FANCYING someone when out with your spouse! Hand on the knee and she didnt try to remove it?! I'm outraged on your behalf. Doesn't sound a if he was mortified in the morning either. He should've been on his knees apologising.

RedRoom · 11/08/2014 22:38

I'm really surprised that you didn't speak out as soon as you saw your husband's hand on her leg! Why did you keep quiet until you got home? Him doing that inches from you is so disrespectful.

Jolleigh · 11/08/2014 22:41

Wow, he had his hand on her knee while they were right next to you and you managed to keep your cool? After a night of outright flirting in front of you and this woman's husband? I'd say you've impressed me with your restraint, but you really should have made a royal fucking scene. Even if they're not already shagging and it's just that they fancy each other, it's massively disrespectful that they're so blase about behaving like this in front of you both. Do they not give a shit about how it makes their partners feel?

I'd be raising hell OP.

Sallystyle · 11/08/2014 22:58

Wow, I don't know how you managed to just sit there and watch that :( I think that worries me more that you didn't say something at the time and just accepted it. I would have gone crazy and pulled them up on it there and then, well I would have done so at least with my husband when he was ignoring you and spending all night with her.

It worries me that they both feel they can do that in front of you and know you would not say anything.

For me, this would be a deal breaker. If my husband disrespects me enough to treat me that way then our marriage is in deep trouble regardless of whether or not she has slept with her.

I am sorry you are going through this OP. I agree with AF that they probably have slept together and with the drink and knowing you wouldn't say anything there and then they became more lax about hiding it.

I too would be calling the husband and having a good talk with him about his concerns and getting to the bottom of it. Either way, like I said, for me it would be over because I could not forgive that lack of respect.

Much love to you OP Thanks

Sallystyle · 11/08/2014 22:59

he has slept with her *

badbaldingballerina123 · 11/08/2014 23:49

I'm sorry , I agree with the posters who say they are probably having an affair. I don't understand why the husband has continued to socialize despite his concerns , or why you didn't blow a gasket at your husbands hand on her knee. Why didn't you ?

There are tried and tested ways for dealing with this. I would start by talking to the husband privately. Also stop socializing with this couple and stop considering her a friend. She isn't . You will find this site helpfull.

talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/

Viviennemary · 12/08/2014 00:00

I don't agree that they are probably having an affair. But nobody can be certain. Absolutely agree she is no friend of yours. Stop socialising with this pair. Have absolutely no more to do with her. But regardless of all that the pair of them had massive disrespect for you and her husband. Don't know what to suggest really. You will have to do some talking with your DH.

SnotandBothered · 12/08/2014 00:08

No idea whether they are sleeping together or not but if you don't intervene, they will be soon enough...

I agree with approaching her DH and finding out exactly what his concerns are. It may be that he just doesn't appreciate the general flirting or he may have witnessed something more specific (or been subjected to his own confessional).

I think that the fact that you are all supposedly mates means that approaching him is the right thing to do.

If nothing specific comes from the other husband, I would then ask your partner very calmly whether he would like to elaborate on his confession to you. I would take the 'Clearly there is more as otherwise there is no excuse for your behaviour, and this is your opportunity to be truthful' approach.

It's crap. Sorry OP

Original poster
GREENFINGERS11 · 12/08/2014 07:03

I'm sorry I didn't say anything in the taxi, I wish I had. I think I didn't because I was in shock and disbelief. She was talking away to me seemingly oblivious to his hand on her knee and I couldn't work out what the hell was going on. I carried on talking to her and just watched to see if she made an attempt to move it. She didn't. He didn't. There is no way she did not know his hand was on her knee. No way at all. I was just shocked by the blatant way they both did this. Her husband was asleep in the front very very drunk and would not have been in a state to deal with anything so I'll deal with it in a calm way when I see him. He needs to be in control and be able to answer my questions. Thank you for your comments. I'm heart broken but am going to get some answers and deal with this the best I can after I know I messed up by not dealing with it in the taxi then and there.

OP posts:
monsterowl · 12/08/2014 07:56

You didn't mess up!! Don't let anyone make you think that. There are always better ways of dealing with things in hindsight, but you have done nothing wrong.

eddielizzard · 12/08/2014 08:13

fucking hell. i'd be absolutely furious. he is going to minimise, but i would definitely call him on his behaviour. there's at least an ea going on.

BigfootFiles · 12/08/2014 08:14

It's odd but what stands out for me is that he woke you up to tell you this. Why wake you, for that? Because it's all about him and his needs, and "I have to be a man", not "I thought it would be better for you/us if I was honest". Your feelings are nothing to his own ego.

I suspect he generally doesn't show you much consideration and while his behaviour with the woman is unacceptable, I think his behaviour towards you in general needs looking at more closely.

Don't make him feel like he's a prize you have to fight this woman for. He really isn't. He should not have put you in this position. I'd have a bag packed, tell him you need space to consider your future together, and ask him to leave for a few days while you think.

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