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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Woken up to have my heart broken - how would you react?

75 replies

GREENFINGERS11 · 11/08/2014 21:19

Partner of 22 years (we have 2 kids together) and I went out on Sat night with another couple we know very well, parents of our childrens best friends and very much in our social circle and two of our closest friends.

My partner spent most of the night with the other woman talking, laughing, etc. leaving me and her husband left like lemons the rest of the night. I could have literally walked off and he would not have noticed. This has happened a few times causing her husband to say he has trust issues with my partner and his wife.

At the end of the night in the taxi, woman's husband was so drunk he sat in the front and fell asleep. Woman sat inbetween me and my partner in the back. We were pretty sober by then. I was talking to my friend and noticed that my partner had his hand on her knee the whole way home and she made no attempt to remove it.

I asked him when we got home if he fancied her and he just fell asleep.

I went to the spare room. The following morning he came in, woke me up and told me 'Yes, I did fancy her, I'd rather be a man and tell the truth'. I think I actually felt my heart break.

I then stormed off and havent spoken to him since. He is since telling me he loves me and he was just drunk but if that is the case why did he come in and wake me up the following morning when not drunk to tell me this?

How would you react? I have lost all trust and self confidence in a heart beat. I thought we had never been happier, have a great realtionship, great sex life etc.

I just need to know how you would respond and react as I am a mess.

OP posts:

badbaldingballerina123 · 12/08/2014 13:51

Many people conduct an affair in plain sight. Sometimes these socializing events are actually dates , but with your spouse tagging along.

AnyFucker · 12/08/2014 14:30

how grim

I reckon the booze made them a bit careless, that is all. The evidence was there, right in front of your eyes

OP, have you considered contacting this woman's husband ?

SnotandBothered · 12/08/2014 23:30

HI OP. Was thinking about you a bit today.

I can totally relate to the sitting in the taxi and doing nothing out of sheer disbelief.

Speak to your friend's DH. Find out what his, already existing, concerns are based on.

Jolleigh · 13/08/2014 09:46

Completely agree with the pp who pointed out that having his hand on her knee for the cab ride when you were there isn't the behaviour of people crossing a boundary for the first time.

Has anything new been said OP?

I'm in the 'talk to the woman's husband' camp.

RonaldMcDonald · 13/08/2014 09:51

I have no idea why the OP should speak to the other woman's h.
Speak to her h yes
Speak to the woman perhaps
Speak to the ow's h? No

Jolleigh · 13/08/2014 09:54

Simply to get information. She's seen things that the OW's husband hasn't...there's a good chance he's seen things she hasn't. I'd want all the info before tackling this if it were me.

Granville72 · 13/08/2014 09:57

Why not? It effects him as well and he's already got suspicions about her behaviour and conduct with this chap.

If the OP hadn't been in the taxi (or awake) when this happened, then how far would they have taken it?

Just a hand on the knee?
A kiss?
More?

It needs getting to the bottom of and knocking on the head one way or the other before people start getting hurt more than they already have been

RonaldMcDonald · 13/08/2014 10:30

Unless his wife has told him that she is having an affair he will know no more than the OP

Speaking to someone with actual knowledge will help. Therefore her H or the OW
Speaking to someone who perhaps is paranoid, jealous or suspicious won't help her to get to a clearer picture.
Asking someone who has trust issues for an opinion might not be the most objective or helpful

Granville72 · 13/08/2014 11:21

Her husband has already back-tracked after admitting he fancies her so she's not going to get any truth or sense out of him. And the ow is hardly going to admit there is something going on is she to the op?

Both the op and the other husband suspect something going on. They need to sit down and deal with this, as a group and find what is or isn't going on. Yes it may have just been a bit of drunken silliness, but they basically both ignored their partners on this evening out and were carry on like two lovers. It's not acceptable and if the OP needs closure then it has to be addressed head on.

badbaldingballerina123 · 13/08/2014 12:09

It sounds like the husband has tried to alert you to his concerns and perhaps you've both mistakenly thought you could manage it by keeping an eye on things. There's really no point interrogating your husband , he's going to lie. Both you and the other husband need to verify how far this has gone , ie are they meeting up alone , secretly communicating. Two pairs of eyes are better than one. The husband isn't paranoid , jealous or suspicious , his concerns are more than justified.

clam · 13/08/2014 12:19

I think that careless intimacy like this tells its own story. There was a thread on here a while back from a poster who was at her husband's works do and noticed his female colleague drink from his glass. It was the sort of natural action that only people who are close or intimate do (in the circumstances the OP described. Her h tried to make out he barely knew her). Turned out they'd been having an affair for a while.

AnyFucker · 13/08/2014 13:22

OP, how are you ?

Original poster

GREENFINGERS11 · 13/08/2014 17:35

Hi AnyFucker, not good. So messed up in the head and not sure what to do for the best. He now apparently loves me so much and was just being a dick in the way he told me (so he says) but that differs from spending the whole day after telling me it was the truth and he couldn't lie and he wanted to be the 'bigger man'. Just can't stop thinking about the whole night of being ignored whilst he was with her etc. and the hand on the knee (1) the fact he did it and (2) that my 'friend' didn't remove it. That was bad enough but the waking me up the following morning to tell me he fancied her was too much. I'm a mess. A complete and utter mess. I know being attracted to other people is normal but the blatant way they behaved was too much and the waking me up to tell me was heartbreaking. Thank you for asking about me.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/08/2014 18:17

So he does admit he fancies her. What exactly does he expect you to do with that information ? Say "oh, that's ok then" and carry on as normal ?

Granville72 · 13/08/2014 19:05

Have you anyone you can talk to face to face about this? Maybe somewhere you can go for a couple of days and clear your head and get away from the idiot?

AnyFucker · 13/08/2014 19:11

He is an absolute twat. It's like he meant to hurt you with this information. Has he suggested any ways to help you feel better about it ? Have you ?

Rebecca2014 · 13/08/2014 19:44

I am guessing there will be no more contact with this woman now?

FolkGirl · 13/08/2014 20:13

Right. I've thought about his one a lot today. A lot.

I had a friend's husband overstep the mark once (similar to the hand on the knee - nothing more). I didn't do anything. I didn't say anything. I just carried on and pretended it wasn't happening. I didn't stop him or move it. I didn't want to draw attention to it or start a dialogue about it. I was embarrassed. I just wanted it to not be happening and so I pretended it wasn't. I just made sure that I wasn't in a position where it could happen again. I never told her. Should I have? I don't know. Probably..? I don't see them anymore.

Ayway, based on that, I've tried to imagine how I'd have reacted if I had been that friend in the car. And I'm not sure I would have moved his hand either. She might have felt incredibly embarrassed but not wanted to draw attention to it. She might have carried on talking to you and her mind might have been racing. She might have been frantically hoping you hadn't noticed and been feeling incredibly guilty that it was happening. She might have been feeling stupid and wondered if she'd encouraged it by being so friendly... More that that, if there was something going on between them, I'd have imagined she'd have been more likely to discreetly move his hand than leave it there.

He's admitted he 'fancied' her. It wasn't very kind or very smart of him. But it might have just been incredibly honest and, with nothing else to hide, he might have felt kind of relieved to just get it out and break it.

It doesn't necessarily sound like an affair to me. It sounds like a man who'd had a drink and made a bit of a dick of himself in front of his wife and a family friend he likes and developed a bit of a crush on. I'm not sure that makes it much better, but I'm not sure that jumping to the worst conclusion is the right thing to do.

What kind of vibe do you get from this woman generally? What sort of man is your husband?

AnyFucker · 13/08/2014 20:17

FG, it's not just the hand on the knee is it ?

This pair were acting all night like it was Date Night and ignoring their respective partners. The woman's husband has already said he has suspicions about their relationship

It doesn't appear to me like a one way interchange of dickness to me

FolkGirl · 13/08/2014 20:30

I don't know, AnyFucker I'm not saying I'm right, of course, just offering an alternative perspective.

I have a friend with whom I am very close. He is married. There are times when I think that our friendship could be misconstrued. But I don't fancy him and I don't think he fancies me (!) We just get on really well.

But if he were to put his hand on my knee while I was talking to his wife, I don't think I'd say or do anything. I think I'd carry on talking to her and hope to God she hadn't noticed. Then I'd avoid him in the future.

I suppose it depends how flirtatious their behaviour was throughout the evening and how the friend behaves in the future. Does the husband have genuine suspicions? Or is he just jealous?

AnyFucker · 13/08/2014 20:31

I would agree with you of course, FG, if it was just the isolated knee grab

FolkGirl · 13/08/2014 20:36

He may well have just got caught up in it and chanced his hand (literally!)

Or he could just be as much of a bastard as the rest of them.

I think I'm just trying to convince myself (as much as anyone else) that not all men are wankers.

FolkGirl · 13/08/2014 20:38

Or at least, not all women are equally complicit.

I don't know.

Because he was being a bit of a bastard. He just might not have been shagging her.

AnyFucker · 13/08/2014 20:38

They're not. But this one is.

FolkGirl · 13/08/2014 20:39

Probably...

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