Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Woken up to have my heart broken - how would you react?

75 replies

GREENFINGERS11 · 11/08/2014 21:19

Partner of 22 years (we have 2 kids together) and I went out on Sat night with another couple we know very well, parents of our childrens best friends and very much in our social circle and two of our closest friends.

My partner spent most of the night with the other woman talking, laughing, etc. leaving me and her husband left like lemons the rest of the night. I could have literally walked off and he would not have noticed. This has happened a few times causing her husband to say he has trust issues with my partner and his wife.

At the end of the night in the taxi, woman's husband was so drunk he sat in the front and fell asleep. Woman sat inbetween me and my partner in the back. We were pretty sober by then. I was talking to my friend and noticed that my partner had his hand on her knee the whole way home and she made no attempt to remove it.

I asked him when we got home if he fancied her and he just fell asleep.

I went to the spare room. The following morning he came in, woke me up and told me 'Yes, I did fancy her, I'd rather be a man and tell the truth'. I think I actually felt my heart break.

I then stormed off and havent spoken to him since. He is since telling me he loves me and he was just drunk but if that is the case why did he come in and wake me up the following morning when not drunk to tell me this?

How would you react? I have lost all trust and self confidence in a heart beat. I thought we had never been happier, have a great realtionship, great sex life etc.

I just need to know how you would respond and react as I am a mess.

OP posts:
Hissy · 12/08/2014 08:55

Darling, if you'd have immediately seized on the hand on knee, there would be a way to suggest that it was a mistake, a drunken gesture in the moment.

What happened in front of your very eyes appeared not to be any of the above.

Fwiw, i'd have probably done the same thing, through shock and disbelief initially, but on the flip side, it presents you with the opportunity to see how things played out.

I say contact the H, talk to him. See wht he thinks.

Talk to your H and tell him his future. Talk then to your supposed friend and tell her how you expected better of her than this.

Upshot is that the friendship is ruined, and can't go on as it is/was.

RonaldMcDonald · 12/08/2014 09:07

Could it be that he was just pissed and flirting
Next morning he was a bit ashamed and came out fighting rather than with his tail between his legs? Trying to justify his shitty actions in his head?

Sometimes behaviour like this is a bit of a cry for help. Or a sign of a mid life crisis. Neither should be ignored or downplayed
It is up to you both how you deal with it.
This is a good time to see how happy you really are. Decide if you want him and the marriage.
Start to allow yourself to consider if it may be an affair no matter what he tells you

chaseface · 12/08/2014 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vivacia · 12/08/2014 09:31

Sometimes behaviour like this is a bit of a cry for help. Or a sign of a mid life crisis.

There's a lot of "poor men" posts recently.

PinkSquash · 12/08/2014 09:31

He has absolutely no respect for you at all OP. He's an arsehole.

normalishdude · 12/08/2014 09:58

I don't think he is having sex or else he would have been more discrete! Sounds like a day of straight talking is on the cards about your relationship, though.

Startingoveragain33 · 12/08/2014 10:12

I would certainly be speaking to this other woman's husband find out a little but more of why he has trust issues when it comes to your husband and his wife. She is NO friend to you when she didn't attempt to remove YOUR husband's hand from her knee. He has NO respect for YOU when he blatantly flirted with this woman in front of your eyes.

Are they usually like this together when they are out.

Isetan · 12/08/2014 10:16

Him admitting to fancying her is stating the bleeding obvious, admiting this, is his more palatable version of he's shagging her. Compare notes with the OW's husband before having it out with him.

RonaldMcDonald · 12/08/2014 10:20

Vivica

Both men and women go through mid life crises and both can behave in this way to their partners
I'd say the same if it was a man posting about his wife/partner

I'm more interested in finding out or at least trying to find out why something is happening and then making decisions rather than simply trotting off on my high horse

Woodenheart · 12/08/2014 10:24

You didn't mess up, I took mental notes for a good few months when I was suspicious of my Ex,

Every little flinch when I caught him on his phone, the new clothes, the internet history, his mobile phone billI, his phone flashing at night, on silent as texts came through,

I bided my time.

He may well have admitted it the morning because he was still drunk.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/08/2014 10:28

Sorry OP it sounds as if these two are already at it.

Unfortunately having a good sex life and acting as if life is peachy is what enables some adulterous partners to pull the wool over their unsuspecting partners' eyes.

Her H has given you a cue to contact him and talk.

OnlyLovers · 12/08/2014 10:30

You have NOT messed up.

He isn't wrong to fancy people but, as others have said, he IS wrong to behave like that when you're there. It's utterly disrespectful.

I'd be less than impressed with the 'friend' as well if it were me.

I'd be tempted to tell them both, separately, that their behaviour was unacceptable, give the friend one more chance and, if it happened again, stop seeing her.

Then tell the husband he had had his one warning as well. See how he took it. Any reaction other than contrition would NOT wash.

RonaldMcDonald · 12/08/2014 10:32

Saying this woman is no friend of the OP isn't very helpful either. She might have not given it another thought or alternately be feeling awful about it.
She didn't have her hand on the husband's knee though so please stop blaming her
She may simply be really bad at telling someone to get off, many people are.

Have none of you ever been in a situation where someone you really like in everyday life gets very drunk and acts a little inappropriately?

Not as bad as unwanted attempt at kissing you but a hand too long around your waist or on your knee

It is difficult for many people, although I realise that it shouldn't be.

People also have completely differing boundaries over what is acceptable behaviour
Some friends of mine are very buttoned up, some aren't. Some would laugh this off others would be really upset by it.

Jan45 · 12/08/2014 10:33

Whether or not they are having it off is another issue, the fact is, he has feck all respect for you OP or your marriage.

OnlyLovers · 12/08/2014 10:36

Have none of you ever been in a situation where someone you really like in everyday life gets very drunk and acts a little inappropriately?

No, as it happens.

And I blame the husband more. I just would want to have a word with the friend as well. If she was genuinely paralysed by shock/embarrasment at the time and told me that, I'd understand.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/08/2014 10:38

"I asked him when we got home if he fancied her...."

I make it a rule in life not to ask difficult questions unless I'm prepared for answers I don't like. Hmm If you were offended by his inappropriate behaviour, that would have been the angle to take. Rather than being heartbroken therefore, find the strength to sever ties with this couple, set some boundaries for the future and bolster your self-respect. There is much more to life than being saddled with a drunken lech.

slightlysnippy · 12/08/2014 10:44

I dont think you have done anything wrong, you acted with self-restraint on the night out, Ill be honest I know I wouldnt have. Youve been together for 22 years, so you know your husband better than anyone on an internet forum, so do you think he is having an affair? I also dont see the point in contacting the other womens husband, this is a problem with your very happy 22 year marriage so its a conversation with you and your husband. I think you do have to accept the fact that your husband fancies this other women, and this is what you have to address, if he has any respect for you he has to take a step back from the friendship, and if that mean you take time out from socialising with the group then thats just what you HAVE to do.

AnyFucker · 12/08/2014 10:46

"Cry for help" ? < pisses self >

Sallystyle · 12/08/2014 10:54

Oh OP, I am sorry if I made you feel bad.

I wasn't blaming you or saying you messed up. I was just worried that your husband has form for being an arsehole and you have got so used to it that you no longer expect anything better.

YOU have done nothing wrong, but it is worrying that he knew he could do this in front of you and it does make me wonder what the rest of your marriage is like, but I never meant it to come across like I think you were in the wrong Thanks

kaykayblue · 12/08/2014 11:21

What an obnoxious, entitled FUCKWIT of a man!!

I would very much recommend meeting with this woman's husband and talking to him about what the fuck is going on. It's clearly "not in your head" when both partners in the respective marriages are feeling annoyed and suspicious at their own partner's behaviour. You could even agree to confront them both together if you wanted, which goes to emphasise exactly how shitty their behaviour is. That way they can't minimise it by saying "oh but X's partner doesn't really have a problem with this" or "oh you're being so unreasonable" or "oh I was just drunk".

And I wish people would stop with the "oh but the woman is innocent" line. I am normally the first person to defend the woman in situations like this, but here it is NOT justified. This wasn't just about the hand on the knee. This woman spent the entire evening ignoring the other two people in the room and having what was essentially, a "date night" with another woman's husband. If she felt awkward about this, she would have been taking every opportunity to try and involve the other two people in the conversation. From the sounds of things, she didn't.

I don't know if these two people are already having an affair, but it wouldn't surprise me if they were, and it certainly wouldn't surprise me if it was in the very near future.

OP - if you stop hanging out with these people as a couple, what is to say that your husband and this woman won't just start meeting up separately, using the old line about being entitled to their friendships, you being controlling, etc etc.

Either way, neither your husband or this woman has any respect for their marriages or their partners. The sheer blatancy of this is absolutely shocking.

ivykaty44 · 12/08/2014 11:30

I think the fact they were so blantant is the clue to them having more than a flirt with each other..

Squidstirfry · 12/08/2014 12:53

I totally agree that hey have probably at least shared photos of each other's genitals.

WipsGlitter · 12/08/2014 12:58

squid how on earth can you say that?? I think, in general, sharing those sort of photos is something the vast minority of people do anyway!

He obviously does fancy her but you need to take some control; why did you let yourself and the other husband be sidelined to such an extent, why didn't you take his hand off her knee, why did you all get so drunk?

AnyFucker · 12/08/2014 13:00

Wips... why did you..." why did you... "why didn't you...

None of this is OP's fault. You are sounding blamey.

ptumbi · 12/08/2014 13:32

I don't think he's actually had an affair yet. I think if he'd actually screwed her, he (and her) would be very much more circumspect and modify their behaviour to look like they barely know each other...
The hand on the knee is a sign that he wants to, not that he has.

ANd the telling you in the morning, that he fancies her. is purely designed to hurt you, op. SO that you are now on the back foot, and flailing drastically, (chekcing his phone, looking for red flags, walking on eggshells) and he can claim that you are 'mad' and then he can justify his leaving/affair/EA.