So, here I am at the age of 37, hoping that a married man is going to leave his wife for me. How did my life come to this? :-(

[ThunderHeart]

I've been married since I was 19, and have 2 primary school aged children.

Dh is a decent enough man, but he is pretty rubbish as a husband. He's hurt me very deeply several times over the years, and each time I stayed in the relationship because I have always been utterly besotted with him and could never imagine my life without him (especially once we had children).

However, once my youngest child went to school, I gradually started to detach from dh for the first time in my adult life. I started finding time spent not with him more enjoyable than the time I did spend with him. It was a totally alien feeling, but I loved it. I finally felt free. None of his selfishness or thoughtlessness could hurt me anymore, because I was finally getting to a point where it didn't matter to me.

It was around this time that I met someone else. Someone who is so so different to dh in every way. We've been 'together' now for nearly 4 years.

When it first started, I had NO intention of leaving dh whatsoever. My life was quite nice, and new man, whilst lovely, was just my way of feeling better about myself after all the years of being let down by dh.

But it didn't turn out like that. New man is everything that dh has never been, and I feel more loved by him than I ever have by dh. He adores me, he doesn't need to tell me - I just know, and I've never felt that before.

He will also ALWAYS make his children his absolute top priority in everything. Providing them with a stable family background is very important to him. At first I was glad of this, as I felt equally determined to do the same for my children. Our relationship was conducted entirely separately to family life, and that was just fine.

It's been so long now though, I'm starting to feel that everyone in this mess is living a lie, and that we are now robbing our current spouses of a fairly significant chunk of their lives

I'm possibly ready to start thinking about leaving, but I very much doubt that he will even consider it.

Cannot believe that bit by bit, this is where my life has ended up.

Very true. But the nuts and bolts of the fallout for other people are harder to dismiss. The person having the affair can't claim the wife will be fine. She won't have the OW there to mother her through the mess or make up the financial loss and she can't roll back the years to allow the wife to start all over again in time to save herself.

All she can do is allow the wife the information she needs today in order to make the necessary choices. Four years have already passed when this woman could have been doing things differently. Time matters.

The person having the affair can't claim the wife will be fine. She won't have the OW there to mother her through the mess or make up the financial loss and she can't roll back the years to allow the wife to start all over again in time to save herself.

All she can do is allow the wife the information she needs today in order to make the necessary choices. Four years have already passed when this woman could have been doing things differently. Time matters.

Yes, Do the decent thing - if you intend carrying on with this affair - tell OM's wife and your husband.
That way, it gives them plenty of time to prepare for their future, instead of having it sprung on them, out of the blue.

MM has more to lose if he leaves his wife - Wife will get the house/custody etc.
OP would get the man she wants and ditch the husband she no longer likes plus keeps the marital home and custody of the kids.

I think MM would prefer the arrangement to stay exactly as it is thank you very much - no frequent demands, casual easy arrangement of a bit of strange every now and then to add a little bit of excitement to life.

Isn't it sad how financial security is such a driver for choosing to stay in a relationship where one party isn't happy? Understandable but sad.

Given the number of women who openly admit they chose their partner for his income and the lifestyle he could provide, it's not surprising many end up unhappy.

How anybody can have an affair then tell their partner that they want them to leave and expect to keep the house, children etc is beyond selfish.

The children on both sides are likely too have no respect for them both when this gets out. What a fine example to set.

I think WildBillFemale has hit the nail on the head.

Circumstances mean that OM would stand to lose his house, children, entire extended family, a large friendship group to which he is very close, possibly his job, and a chunk of his income.

If that's what I was facing, I don't think I'd be keen to leave either

You do understand what the wife stands to lose if you succeed in getting her H to dump her when the children are on their feet though, don't you? In simple financial terms, the result of your plan will be devastation for her. She won't be awarded the house when the children are grown. Are you prepared to ask her to pay that financial price for what you fondly imagine to be your happiness?

He would give her the house anyway, regardless of the children's ages.

Although clearly there would be some financial considerations, both OM and myself have successful careers. We wouldn't need to take the house from his wife.

We wouldn't need to take the house from his wife.

That's good of you.

Dear lord, you are actually planning how to arrange the wife's finances when you and your boyfriend drop the bomb on her?

You 'wouldn't need' to take the house from her?
(But what if you had a career blip? What if you did think you needed to take her house from her? Would that be something you would consider?)

'Clearly' there would be some financial considerations'?

Can you hear yourself?

She gets a house she would have to sell because you can't live on fresh air and you can't fund a retirement with empty rooms, or heat those rooms without an income, and since she won't be told of your plans for her in time to ramp up her career, resume it, or get a new one, she won't have much of an income to rely on. She will still need a roof over her head though. She will end her days counting her pennies, after making sacrifices for the sake of the career of a worthless man and for her children, in hopes of a retirement together.

What you are contemplating should be classed as a crime.

What has this unfortunate woman ever done to you, ThunderHeart, that you think you have any justification whatsoever in keeping your plans with her husband from her? What you are planning is cowardly on top of cruel.

But math, there are no plans with this man, and I have a feeling if op did drop Thr idea of leaving to be together full time on him she wouldn't see him for dust.

I could be wrong but it sounds to me like he is quite happy with his life, playing happy families and then getting his ego etc stroked by op when it suits him. I doubt it's a big love affair for him.

Op do you know if he has history of affairs or being unfaithful?

Apart from that little detail though I agree, math.

From your last post OP, I totally agree with morethanpotatoprints but I have a feeling her post will be deleted.

I give anyone the benefit of the doubt, even though my stbxh left me for OW but your posts scream of self absorption and no hint of remorse that what you are doing is wrong!

How kind of you both to leave the DW and DCs the house because you both earn a good salary! Yet you have no qualms in taking a husband and a father for your own selfish desires.

You are a coward, you will never tell your DH, you justify your actions by saying he hasn't been good to you in the past. You and MM are solely to blame for your disgusting and twisted behaviour. Planning the financial future at the emotional expense of a wife, a husband and many children who have done nothing to deserve this!

How you can look at yourself in the mirror is beyond me!

Four years?! He will never leave his DW for you.

Don't forget, this is just how I feel at the moment. I've never mentioned any of this to OM. I guess it's highly unlikely to pan out that way.

Much more likely that:

A) we get found out, he's horrified and begs for her forgiveness.

B) we get found out, he leaves, but quietly resents me.

C) we don't get found out and current situation continues for many more years.

I know this. And I know I'm the one likely to end up hurt. But do you think I can say 'no' to spending time with him? No, I bloody cannot. He makes me happy

There are intentions. She wants to stay with her husband, while living a double life and cheating him of a chance for happiness with someone else. She wants to then take her boyfriend and grow old with him. While the details have yet to be ironed out, she has contemplated the lines she is willing to cross (and there are many) in order to get what she wants.

I know I'm the one likely to end up hurt. But do you think I can say 'no' to spending time with him? No, I bloody cannot. He makes me happy

No you are bloody well not the one likely to get hurt.
And yes, you can indeed say no and grow a conscience.

You are willing to throw a lot of people under the bus so that you can be happy.
Nobody owes you happiness. You do not have a right to it.

I had to find my own happiness after my life was shattered and I was suicidal when my stbxh left me for OW - I had no choice. I have not only experienced the pain myself but I have seen the hurt it causes everyone involved - you just cannot put it into words.

Would I even consider hurting another woman this way even though I've been wronged - no, I have dignity and morals.

You will not be the one who is hurt! It will be his DW, your DH and both your children. You don't seem to have thought about that even with all the advice you have got here. It's all about you!

Not once have you thought about the others involved in a remorseful way.

My God, why would he leave his DW for someone so utterly selfish?!

If I could say 'no' to him, I would have a long time ago.

I'm kind of trapped in my marriage for various reasons right now, and I'm not prepared to let what's left of my youth waste away, when I have a chance of happiness here. Which may or may not work out long term, but for now is what keeps me going.

How on Gods earth can you say your the one to get hurt.
I pity your poor children because you are prepared to put your happiness before theirs.
This is obvious by your self absorbed bull shit, you aren't stupid, you know exactly what you are doing and you are prepared to put your dc through this.
Maybe your dh can go for full custody and his wife maybe too, then you can both continue in your warped little lives.
Perhaps Karma can get you sacked too.

Much more likely that:

A)we get found out, he's horrified and begs for her forgiveness.

B)we get found out, he leaves, but quietly resents me.

C)we don't get found out and current situation continues for many more years.

D) They (OP's H and OM's W) find out and contact place where you both work and cause trouble for you. Embarrassing but very effective

E) Children find out and see their mother as a slag for evermore.

F) OM finds a newer/younger model than OP (why not?) 4 years is a long time.

Loads of combinations...

G) Best one of all - OM's wife and/or OP's husband already suspect and are quietly biding their time and getting their own ducks in a row. OM's wife could be quietly and discreetly 'sorting' out bank accounts and joint accounts in preparation. I hope she is.

Your head is a long way up your ass in other words.

You can say no.
You are not trapped.
You want every single detail of this situation. It suits you in every element.

I posted earlier in the thread with some genuine and nonjudgmental comments for you OP and I'm absolutely pissed off with myself that I wasted my breath.

Am absolutely rendered speechless by what you've posted since

Why did you post this thread?

you came on moaning about how your life has turned out this way.

You get opinions and advice then say you are going to carry on anyway.

You always were going to carry on weren't you?

So why post this? were you hoping for sympathy? hoping people would convince you to try to get him to leave his wife?

I don't get the point of posting when you never planned to change a single thing.

You are not a child. You can say no to him. Take some responsibility and do the right thing, or continue to be the kind of person who wrecks two lives, your own and however many children there are involved.

Your choice.

I want. I'm having.

There's not much you can do about that attitude.
Nothing left to add.

mathanxiety head so far up her arse.