Sister and BIL difficulties - how to cope for another week?

[HupsyDaisy]

Apologies - this might be a long one. We have been here three weeks and i need help to manage just one more week please.

• single mum of three small dcs, 2 years out of abusive marriage but stbxh still very manipulative, sis bil and baby in USA
• both sis and bil asked me to come and visit this summer, bil because he wanted support with allegedly boozing sis, sis because she is not happy and doesn't know why, we would rent a summer place together as their apt is tiny
• cannot really afford it, but want to be there for them if they are both reaching out, know how hard it is with little ones, research cheap rentals which are payable, don't get any response other than that those places are not child friendly and they are looking into other options, they urge to book flights, offer to pay mine, if i pay for dc flights, i am nervous without guaranteed accomodation (no way could i afford hotels on top of flights), but book. Week later/ week before we arrive turns out they are giving up apt and moving to the summer house they have found while we are there. Didn't want to tell me until certain.
• got here and i have never felt so unwelcome. They complain about the noise from the dcs," feels like non stop screaming", "you could not take your dcs anywhere else", random friend of theirs "is better with kids than you are", they "know it is hard for me" but feel entitled to shout at my kids to wash hands, for bad table manners, getting up before everyone including v slow baby has finished etc or even interrupt sternly when I am talking to them. They have shouted at me too. I accept small baby phase is quiet, but bil has two dc from first marriage, maybe he has forgotten about children's noise. I cannot put anything down in the kitchen for more than a minute as bil crazy tidy and it is their house so i have to do what they say. I cannot make plans as bil does not make any and sis doesn't mind being ad hoc. Bils family have told me how much sis was drinking, but they had it on say so from bil, and the only person i see drinking is bil, up to a bottle a night, every night, sis has not touched a drink. I have told sis the odd controlling thing my ex used to do to me, she just ignores it, won't talk at all except to criticise me, won't leave the baby with me (I offer, to give them a break).
• so far i have dealt with it by liberal use of the ipad until we can get out of the house, taking myself and dc out whenever I can, researching own destinations from middle of nowhere, cheap as possible, (we have had a blast), still get grief for not being home in time for supper sometimes, though supper together had not been agreed as they didn't not what they were doing yet. Mornings a nightmare as dc take a while to get up and out, falling foul of their lie-in (we must be extra quiet, though we did not know about it) or early cooked breakfast (we must attend, though we did not know about it).
• feels a lot like my marriage, this walking on eggshells business. Now pretty low on funds, and it is so hot i cannot take the dc to the beach all day. I will manage somehow - but do you think there is anything i can do to change my current mindset of: never ever am I going on holiday with them again! And: beam me home Scottie!

Thanks for reading.

Yikes sounds dreadful if I was you I think I would have turned to the old vino by now! Here you go

Jeez. Sounds awful. Where are you?

Can you sit them down and ask them to stop micromanaging you?

Ooh thank you!
So it is not just me being oversensitive.

Sitting them down no. Bil has been giving me silent treatment for over a week since i asked him not to threaten ds with police if he did not finish his plate (and i explained why - we had police on our separation and the dc heard it all, it is still a sensitive issue for them). Silly maybe but did he get me over here in the hope of me getting my sis to "toe his line"? I have not seen a single kind look from him to her yet and sis seems in the fog. Anyway, I cannot manage their lives so how do I change my mindset to keep ourselves safe and sane for another week?

Definitely not being over sensitive - what the fuck did they want you there for if they just wanted to treat you and your dc like this?

East coast, near airport where our plane leave for in a week!

Can you change your flightsansce home early? life's short enough without having to put up with that kind of shit. Even if they wanted to talk about their troubles, I doubt they would take your advice or hear you out.

Sorry, "flights and come"

Where are you on the East Coast Hupsy? Some of us might be able to suggest some things.

Thank you, really appreciate it. Yes, why did they want me here? Such a good question. Having said that, dc and i have had some amazing sights and experiences. Btw, including a private children's movie evening where mine had the best manners and table manners by far!

Yes please. Long Island, near JFK. Long beach is gorgeous and have done Brooklyn acquarium, day trips to manhattan, bronx zoo, Freeport fluke fishing. Have car, will travel (but think fire island/ Montauk/ anything over 2 hours one way is too far).

Change your flights. It will cost no more than the cost of a further week of entertaining your children. Sorry you are caught in the middle of their problems.

I can't change flights.

Why not say to them that you want to enjoy the last week of your holiday with your DCs so not to make any plans - eating, outings or otherwise - that include you and your DCs. Sell it to them as everyone should suit themselves to save any issues on compromising / planning ahead.

Why can't you change your flights?

There is another kettle of fish on the other side of the pond. Stbxh took me to court ex parte last week for denying him time in summer holiday, even though did not say once when/ if he could take time off work (i started asking early June). So I made my own plans at v short notice (week before holidays started). He tied and failed to get us ordered back from us. I am not giving him the satisfaction.

sparkle thanks but them including us is not the issue. I am glad to meet their friends, hopefully their friends will support them. It is more that our presence here, if only mornings/ evenings seems to be a burden for them. And I am so worried about my sis - we share a common background and i ended up in an EA relationship as bad as the police had ever seen.

Hupsy I live in Manhattan and would be happy to meet you for a cheap picnic lunch in Central Park. PM me if you fancy it and need a friendly face!

How much would it cost for a cheap-but-cheerful motel?

How on earth are they having a lie-in every day with a baby?

I'm not surprised to hear that the drinker is blaming the one who is incredibly vulnerable, i.e. your sister alone and without support. I think you can only tell her that you're concerned about parallels with your own marriage and ask her to think about whether her husband's behaviour is reasonable.

Beyond that, and minimal civility, I don't know why you give them any headspace at all. They expect you to attend a cooked breakfast: don't. They expect you back for dinner: don't go back. They threaten your children with the police - well that would frighten any child, not just ones with actual dealings with the police. And is wholly wrong. Just call them out on it. Don't be polite - they aren't.

It sounds like BIL isn't speaking to you anyway - useful. If sister criticises your children or interrupts you, just clearly state your position "please do not interrupt me/please do not make critical remarks about my children". Calmly and assertively. Broken record technique.

I can understand why you don't want to fly home early, but I would seriously throw a few quid at another place to stay for the last week.

I am not giving him the satisfaction.

That's really cutting off your nose to spite your face OP.

tripot thanks. It starts at 1,500 usd on the island though i can probably get 600 for a week elsewhere on the coast but i have no idea where to go. They have not reimbursed for my flight, but neither have they asked for contribution to rental, i have been doing top up shops but cannot afford much more, especially now i have legal fees from last week too. (Not their fault) I thought about moving out before but decided to get a car instead, as cheaper with (I thought) same effect. Just has not panned out that way.

I knew I could not afford it before booking but i refuse to get into debt more for this. I think I will just be cool and distant and stay put. Calmly and assertively as you say . Best for the kids too than being stuck in a cramped hotel room or with extremely angry and manipulative dad.

It will all work out in the long term i am sure. Thank you so much for posting.

vivacia yes, I regretting writing that as soon as. It is not how I feel. The reality is worse. We have huge contact problems at the moment, i am supporting, supporting, supporting, even paying for contact only to have kids come back off the wall for up to a week, hitting, throwing things, tantrums.

Sounds as though you're stuck between a rock and a hard place then for the next week. Sounds awful and I don't envy you.

You need to a) go & stay somewhere else

Or b) change your flights

For your children's sake
What a miserable holiday for them :(

I don't know how you can accept their hospitality (limited as it is) under these circumstances.