Sister and BIL difficulties - how to cope for another week?

[HupsyDaisy]

Apologies - this might be a long one. We have been here three weeks and i need help to manage just one more week please.

• single mum of three small dcs, 2 years out of abusive marriage but stbxh still very manipulative, sis bil and baby in USA
• both sis and bil asked me to come and visit this summer, bil because he wanted support with allegedly boozing sis, sis because she is not happy and doesn't know why, we would rent a summer place together as their apt is tiny
• cannot really afford it, but want to be there for them if they are both reaching out, know how hard it is with little ones, research cheap rentals which are payable, don't get any response other than that those places are not child friendly and they are looking into other options, they urge to book flights, offer to pay mine, if i pay for dc flights, i am nervous without guaranteed accomodation (no way could i afford hotels on top of flights), but book. Week later/ week before we arrive turns out they are giving up apt and moving to the summer house they have found while we are there. Didn't want to tell me until certain.
• got here and i have never felt so unwelcome. They complain about the noise from the dcs," feels like non stop screaming", "you could not take your dcs anywhere else", random friend of theirs "is better with kids than you are", they "know it is hard for me" but feel entitled to shout at my kids to wash hands, for bad table manners, getting up before everyone including v slow baby has finished etc or even interrupt sternly when I am talking to them. They have shouted at me too. I accept small baby phase is quiet, but bil has two dc from first marriage, maybe he has forgotten about children's noise. I cannot put anything down in the kitchen for more than a minute as bil crazy tidy and it is their house so i have to do what they say. I cannot make plans as bil does not make any and sis doesn't mind being ad hoc. Bils family have told me how much sis was drinking, but they had it on say so from bil, and the only person i see drinking is bil, up to a bottle a night, every night, sis has not touched a drink. I have told sis the odd controlling thing my ex used to do to me, she just ignores it, won't talk at all except to criticise me, won't leave the baby with me (I offer, to give them a break).
• so far i have dealt with it by liberal use of the ipad until we can get out of the house, taking myself and dc out whenever I can, researching own destinations from middle of nowhere, cheap as possible, (we have had a blast), still get grief for not being home in time for supper sometimes, though supper together had not been agreed as they didn't not what they were doing yet. Mornings a nightmare as dc take a while to get up and out, falling foul of their lie-in (we must be extra quiet, though we did not know about it) or early cooked breakfast (we must attend, though we did not know about it).
• feels a lot like my marriage, this walking on eggshells business. Now pretty low on funds, and it is so hot i cannot take the dc to the beach all day. I will manage somehow - but do you think there is anything i can do to change my current mindset of: never ever am I going on holiday with them again! And: beam me home Scottie!

Thanks for reading.

Just hugs, it's not you it's them!

Weirdly, the children are happy, excited and chatty. Perhaps I am doing a good job taking them out? I can afford neither hotel nor flight option so i think I will set an alarm for 7am, have bags packed the night before and leave the house by 8am, back after dinner. Every day for 7 days. Sis who said she really wanted to spend some time at the beach with me but strangely has not had time so far with her h's plans for them, has also today said no to beach and they will go for a walk instead. I can do no more. We are off to the beach and then to buy a loud alarm clock. Thanks all. Really appreciate it.

I think this is really sad (and difficult) for all involved. You can imagine your sister's AIBU thread.

vivacia needs must sadly. I will not go further into debt for my sis - it is money straight out of my dc's mouths. If i have to take it for another week so be it. The DC are fine. Right now i just want to leave on a note that leaves the door open for sis to talk to me if/ when she wants to. And I cannot wait to be back home!

Are you sure they're not going to hit you up for the rental after the fact? My guess is, particularly if you express anything negative about BIL to sis, they're gonna start chasing you for the rental after you've gone home. You can refuse to pay (and of course should) but it will help drive a wedge between you and sis that suits BIL very well.

Yes I am sure they will be jumping with joy when we leave too.

Good thinking - i have it on email that i am only doing car once we get here. But yes the email is from sis not bil and i have a very bad feeling about his motives. But what can I do? He tried to get me onto ADs at some point, saying how they had helped him. Very persuasive, charming, etc but I am totally antiAD for me and told him that so he backed off. Since then have found out that my sis is on ADs. What can I do?

i suspect you have fallen into the trap i used to get sucked in to by my narc sister. you've been invited down as a convenient 'distraction' from their problems, and no matter what you have been through/are going through all they see is you having a better/happier life than them so you then become the target of all their anger and frustration.

Oh golly, do you think so? That never even occurred to me. I just see her as wanting to make her husband happy and thus trying to be compliant with what he wants/ totally focused on his and baby's needs. And worrying that I was projecting my own experience and lack of trust. Will need to ponder that one. Thank you.

she just ignores it, won't talk at all except to criticise me, won't leave the baby with me, Bil has been giving me silent treatment for over a week Silly maybe but did he get me over here in the hope of me getting my sis to "toe his line" Sis who said she really wanted to spend some time at the beach with me but strangely has not had time so far

these statements and my own experiences tell me yea, you're being used.

my sis would not allow me to have conversations with her husband - be it in person face to face or over the phone. this cleared the road for her to moan about all his shortcomings/problems they were having, she would never take ANY advice i gave her...i found out eventually that she is a pathological liar and master manipulator - the problem is always someone else and never her.
she would invite me down by saying things like "he doesn't help with the kids/home and i can't do x/y/z that urgently needs doing". I would get there and question my own sanity as to what i was hearing and perceiving from her phone conversations! she wouldn't leave me alone with the girls (passive aggressive way of saying i don't trust you/you have no idea how to handle kids), all the things that 'urgently' needed doing suddenly vanished/didn't exist, any conversation where i didn't share her views/opinions would get shut down with insults/angry attitude/talked over. i would be relegated to sitting on an uncomfortable chair whilst she stretched out on the sofa overdoing the pda and urging her husband to go to bed early so they could have sex....no word of a lie, this was her behaviour in front of me. there were no trips to the park etc as she was 'too busy/tired' and of course i wasn't allowed to take the girls. the whole time i was there she would compare herself to me and i would get picked on for everything - my lifestyle/hobbies/friends/home/opinions, basically anything she could think of.

after a few of these 'holidays/breaks' it became apparent that i was being used to make her feel good and score points with her husband, i.e "you/your family don't bother with me but look, here's my sister, she actually makes an effort", except of course she would get insanely jealous and bitter about me and so attack me to make herself feel good.

There are enough parallels in what you say to make me wonder. But it is all so complex. And my brain is not working properly in this heat. Was thinking today: I could try to get at least sis for 5 mins or otherwise write a note along the lines of: "not at all meant to be patronising as you are both clearly doing brilliantly but can offer babysitting, family meal planning, budgetting and shopping, listening ears re difficulties etc for another x days. Or we could organise lots of childcare and go out. Let me know." Any point? Why do I always keep on trying??

I think you probably have a rescuer thing going on. Did you at one point believe your DH was a tortured soul only you could understand?

Sis and BIL have behaved like a pair of unmitigated twats but you want them to need you somehow. I appreciate you have flown there at considerable expense and endured weeks of utter hell, in order to be there to support your sister (and god knows it sounds like she needs it) but this is beyond a joke.

Why do I always keep on trying?? you have a big heart? you're a people-pleaser? (nothing wrong with that in moderation)

i wouldn't bother with writing her a note or even trying to bring up her behaviour. if, as a grown woman, as your sister, as someone who invited you over she cannot see what's wrong with this picture then i'm afraid she's a lost cause. any attempt on your part will be met with denial and perceived offence.

i genuinely didn't see that side of my sister until i started spending time with her at her house, when i experienced the negativity i guess was too shocked for it to register on a fully conscious level and was in denial for ages - the usual 'i probably took it the wrong way/too sensitive' etc.

what you need to learn is to recognise their negative traits/behaviours/attitude and leave them to it. concentrate on enjoying the last week of your holiday with your kids and LEAVE them to it.

Thank you so much. I will do exactly as you say. Have just been shouted at again (for not pulling my weight with cooking and cleaning, but how can I do more than top up shops, own picnics and washing if they are totally ad hoc), as have the dcs (too noisy at supper, distracting the baby from eating). Damed if I do damned if I don't. Road trip tomorrow - and perhaps i will just stumble across a cheap motel on the way... Damn the financial consequences.

Lol tribpot just saw your post. Yes, yes and yes. Spot on. It's me and dcs (and best friends) now, no one else. I've done what I can. What an education the last few years have been! Dare I say I feel almost grown up, finally? [giddy]

Okay I'll give you some advice you don't want.

In your circumstances I would try to come home early. And this is exactly what I would do: I would pack as best I could, load the bags into the car and drive to the airport. Then I would talk to someone on the flight alteration desk and tell them exactly what is going on and why I need to get away. I would not be beyond genuinely bursting into tears. On genuine compassionate grounds staff do have some leeway to change flights (sometimes for no cost).

I think most people would not want to live in the centre of domestic abuse, which is what it sounds like.

Maybe your sister needs to get away herself, but she is obviously not ready to make that decision for herself yet.
You visiting was a fantasy for them - part of their "we are a normal family" ideal, unfortunately you being there shows them that they are not normal. Every time you or your children are normal and don't correspond to their fantasy, it shines a light on how non "ideal" their life is.

They could also be under strain from hiding even more from you that you already know.

Its not a good place to be.

I have to agree with mummytime.
It's clear things won't improve.
I would in no way put up with being shouted at.
It's abusive and degrading.
I would have gone sooner and did the cost.
Remember op. No one has the right to treat you badly.
You don't have to put up with it.
Tell them calmly that you will be leaving. You can tell them why if you wish.
DONT justify yourself. You are an adult not their child.

I think I'd at least stay away tonight in a motel, apart from anything else that's surely all part of the American road trip experience (if you don't have Simon & Garfunkel singing America you need it - what if you hit the New Jersey turnpike without it!)

Have a leisurely dinner tonight and a leisurely breakfast tomorrow and then measure how much better you feel. At that point you will be better placed to decide if the situation is tolerable until Sunday.

It is so hard to take on board. Have pretty much built the rhino hide against abuse from stbxh (and it has taken ages)- but now my sis too? but know I should be

Will work it out. Thank you all.

How are you doing today? Did you manage to get away for the night?

Hi Hupsy
Hopefully you are on a plane home and this will be a moot point...

However-if you are still trying to fill your days, I am on Long island and can offer a few suggestions to keep you out of the house. Not sure how old your DC are, but hopefully some of these places might suit? Most are on the North shore as that's where I am :) but it's really not far by car.

Bayville Fun Park in Glen Cove (north shore-about 30 mins from Long Beach) is pretty good for little ones migraine inducing for adults, take earplugs(mini golf, climbing area, water squirty boats etc)-beach right over the road. Vanderbilt planetarium in Centerport has celestial kid friendly shows and a nice park and the Vanderbilt house (might be a bit boring for the kids)plus lovely little beaches all around. if you want a bit of open space to run the kids around, Planting Fields Arboretum in Oyster Bay is lovely-has good café etc. Depending how old your DC are, there are several canoe/ paddleboard places nearby, and the water is much calmer oop north. Several good swimming pools in the state parks, or Ice Skating rinks if you really want to cool off :)

If you drive to Port Jefferson, you could get the ferry to Connecticut and drive to Mystic Seaport (old harbor/dockyard/boats). Ferry is (I think) about $60, but best to check :) takes about 40 mins to cross. Long Island Children's Museum is supposed to be good, but I haven't been for 10years or more. Planetarium and Children's Museum in Lower Manhattan also excellent. Plus you can go for fish and chips at A Salt and Battery :)

I'm in Northport on the North Shore-would be happy to offer a healing cup of builders' tea. I've got chocolate digestives and everything (grin) PM me if you'd like to meet up.

Your DSis and BIL sound beyond awful. Hope you've managed to enjoy some of your stay.

Yes I am out of there, still in the country though, as have an incredible friend with kids near, amazing how much more relaxed I am! How stressful was that (even though we were barely there)! struggled to find affordable accommodation in high season but trying not to worry about it and it is pure relaxation now. I love mumsnet

Oh I am so pleased for you.

Wow really glad you've escaped!

Wow good for you - empowered!

Could you buy a cheap tent and camp somewhere?