2 decades of abuse, yet my dd is...............(sorry this is so long)

[whitehairdilemma]

please help me.
I am 70 years old, and have spent/endured the last 2 decades of my life watching/suffering alongside my dd the physical ..emotional..financial abuse from her narcissistic terrifying husband...now ex.

(I made pages of statements to the police regarding the long time abuse, but when they contacted my dd she denied it)

I even had a police marker on my house as he sent threats against me via my dd.

he brought women into my dd's home while she was at work...he never worked himself, thought he was too good for work.

he totally destroyed her career through financial demands....she appeased him through fear, for a bit of peace....

they ended up fleeing abroad....before he told a mutual friend he was going to "trade her in for a younger model".

once he found this younger model, incidentally the mother of their 2 dc's best friends, he threw my dd out of the family home, which of course she was paying for....he never worked there either.
he even married another women for a residency visa.

my dd managed to establish herself again, but he would never give her any peace..threats to burn her house down, anyway eventually he was deported.

as soon as he was back in the uk, he found a widow on a dating site and scared her into giving him thousands of pounds....she had found my phone number in his phone and rang me terrified for her safety.

but there is so much more, but I need to get to the bottom line.

this is that line.

last night my dd skyped me, and she is preparing to return to the uk in a couple of weeks, which of course I am happy about.

suddenly a thought came into my head out of nowhere..which shook me to the core.

"will you promise me one thing" I asked dd.
"you will never get back with him when you come back"

he answer kept me awake all night.
"I can't promise that mum" she replied, explaining that it's best to keep the family together.

for fuck's sake she has been away from his control for the last 5/6 years, yet he is still managing to control her...he knows she has 2 successful businesses and it's like it's come full circle.

I am even considering going nc with dd, though I love her dearly, at my age, I am not strong enough to go through this all again.

I w ant to say directly that if she goes back with him I don't want any contact again, but fear that if I do that he will isolate her as he did for years before.
once isolated her racked the abuse and control up, but the mutual friend was invaluable, this time there will be no one to tell me.

by the way, my dd is 52.

I think you absolutely have to go NC if she gets back together with him.

You can be very clear with her that this will happen but that she can always come to you if she is not with him or needs help.

He will isolate her anyway, regardless of whether you are in contact.

This is just awful for you and I do think you have to protect yourself. Also showing very clear boundaries and sticking to them might just make her think twice about getting involved with him again, so could help her.

If she wants to do this, she will do it. I don't think you have caused it or have any power to control or cure it tbh.

I think you may have posted about her before.
All I can suggest is that you contact Womens Aid and ask for some advice from them.
They may be able to help you with what you can maybe do or say to help her see through the fog.
Do NOT what ever you do abandon her.
You can tell her that while she is with him you don't want to hear anything about the relationship.
But that you will always be there when she needs you again.

If I am right about the other post, she has put you through hell time and again and you have done what you can for her without the support of your partner.

It must be so so difficult.
Can you point her in the direction of MN??
Would she listen to the wise women on here?

You must be devastated. I'm so sorry to hear this.
Ultimately, though, she is an adult and will make her own decisions. Nothing you can do or say will change that. If you need to cut her out of your own life for your sanity then you should do so. It would be understandable and hopefully it would prevent your life being destroyed any further.
I presume their children are now adults, or close enough? Do they need help?
This must be incredibly distressing for you.

He sounds terrifying. I'm a supporter for keeping families together but I'm a wuss too. So I would have to keep away from this man at any cost! Your dd is old enough to know better aswell. I don't think she should be putting an sort of emotional distress/worry on you at your time of life.

thank you for your replies.

ideally I want to tell her directly even before she returns to the uk that if she "goes back with him" despite the decades of abuse that I basically wipe my hands of her.

dd has a partner who adores her totally, they have been together a number of years, and he is prepared to relocate to the uk to be with her.
he is kind/loving/solvent/the direct opposite of her abusive ex, yet I feel that the ex is brainwashing her again, as he knows if she returns with her dp he will loose his control.

to be honest if she follows the same path with the ex, I don't even want to pick up the pieces again, I am getting too old for that.
actually yes, I will point her in the mn direction.it has been invaluable for me.

the ex remained in the uk after being deported, years ago, yet the thought of dd being controlled again...basically she is his cash cow...sorry to put it that way, but it's the fact.

dd repeated lied to me through the years, under his influence, that I am almost sure that she will continue with the abuser.

she will be moving to within 5 minutes of him when she returns - her partner won't be coming at this time-.

should I directly tell her, face to face, that if she resumes the relationship......I don't want to know, or be part of my relationship with her?????????

my dh, a kind man, would be horrified if he thought she was back with the abuser, as he suffered greatly over the years.
our lives were permanently on a downward spiral of anxiety and fear.
we live peacefully by the sea, and just the thought of it all exploding again fills me with dread.

I was thinking that you need to go NC with her, before you even mentioned it. You can't allow yourself to be pulled back into this destructive cycle and you do nothing to protect her by living with it.

Whether you're left in peace will be another matter altogether :(

Poor thing, you're roughly the same age as my mum, I wouldn't want her to have to go through this. It's been going on so long that I agree the only thing you can do if she gets back with him is to go no contact. Make it clear that you would always be there for her if she were in trouble and needed to get out etc.

You're too old for the stress of this. And, she, having got out of the situation is making a free choice to go back into it, so she is responsible for this decision.

very true,
dd has been out of the abuse for years now, but the ex keeps reeling her in, afraid to loose control.

yes, it is her direct choice now if she renews the horrific relationship.
(last night, she actually said she wondered what it would be like when they are on their own as oap's)
for what it's worth, the ex's- I can't even say his name- father is exactly the same, used to beat his wife, affairs etc- so like father like son.

ex attacked her brother when he tried to protect her some years ago.
ex abused her sister, she is nc now.
ex abused my own dsis at one point.
so all round he has abused each one of us.

this is the last straw now.
dd said she will Skype tonight as her db returned home last night from holiday.

actually last week when her brother was here with me, I mentioned the ex, saying I couldn't imagine dd getting back with the ex, my ds simply said...she might.... I think he knows that plans are afoot but didn't want to say.

SO,
do I say to dd-
I'm sorry, but if you resume your relationship with ex, I don't want you to contact me, but if you need me, I will be here?
or simply, just leave me alone, do what you want, but don't drag me into it again?

You poor woman. Going through all this for twenty years and when it finally all seemed to be over, it may start up again. Your daughter has a loving boyfriend and a business yet she's willing to throw it all away to be with this abusive, nasty man.

I have a daughter and I cannot imagine the heartbreak you must feel but if their relationship effects your life then yes you will have to cut contact. I would properly say "You can be with him but I do not want to hear anything about your relationship and if he interferes with my family at all then I will sadly not be able to see you again until you have left him."

Firstly,you're a thoughtful kind mother.you're desperately worried
Your daughter is adult,if she has capacity,that includes capacity to get it right/wrong
She is however adversely influenced by this ex.to point her judgement suffers

I imagine she may have a fantasy of sorting it out,telling him like it is or fixing their toxic relationship.maybe she minimises what he's done to her and others

I think you tell her you love her,but that you don't support any contact with him. You reflect shes ok now but wasn't ok previously and he is the reason

You need to keep yourself safe,and minimise your anxieties.and if that means you're not directly involved you tell her that

it does appear that she "wants to keep the family together" as she plainly said last night,
but for goodness sake she escaped the terrible abuse years ago.(it's not as though she is saying...I love him..).

it's just that now she is coming back to the uk, and he is in a rented house, with little income, he is playing the smiley happy narcissist that he is, a leopard doesn't change etc.
he smells her financial position.

I can say...tonight...

dd, if you resume a relationship with him after the years of turmoil and suffering we ALL endured, not just you, sadly I will not want contact with you until it is over

it will make me feel lonely though, as I have my ds living abroad, another dd who is nc due to her ex's abuse,
leaving this dd who I may have to go nc to protect my sanity and life.

but I must make my feelings crystal clear before it's too late and the cycle begins again..

Gosh, I'm sorry you're in this position. It's hard to think of an alternative reaction, though.

Your dd should be ashamed herself putting her family through this. TBH, I think if she goes anywhere near him when she comes back, she deserves everything she gets. She is away from him and to go back would be absolute madness!

You must go no NC, as hard as that will be. For your own sanity and that of your DH.

Dreadful, I felt terrible for leaning on my mother for about two years in the run up to leaving my abusive x.

You need to start living some life in peace. If you can't rescue your dd, rescue yourself.

agree with the suggestion to post on MN. I got such clarity and perspective here 7 years ago.

What would WA advise? Is it a bit like what AA advise "detached love" - in that you dont enable anything ie still be in contact but put in some firm boundaries - eg you will not be a buffer and listen to all the stories about him. I do think that you will miss her and in some ways if you go NC you will give him what he wants ie isolation. What were the things that you had to rescue her from before?...if it is just money then let her be the fool. But I would find it hard to cut out some one so vulnerable that you love....he is her drug/alcohol/addiction/toxin - maybe be really clear with her that you will not pick up any pieces...in AA they tell you to leave the drunk lying in their own vomit/feces/urine so that they wake up in th morning and experience this in the cold light of day...in your case let her go bankrupt, work like a dog - dont bail her out. I assume the children are older it might be important to be round for them...they might well see in their Dad what their Mum doesnt or they might not. Might be good to prevent another generation getting sucked into his nonsense.

thank you again,
yes, if I go nc his pattern of behaviour will be rewarded, in the past he had to work at isolating dd,
after a while she believed that I was the worst person to walk the earth it took a long time to recover.

but of course when dd became homeless- he sold the family home from under her- I was there for her, but I don't think at my age I can bear the explosions again.

ahhhh, dd has already been bankrupted due to appeasing the ex, she lost everything, luckily I was able to support her financially, enabling her to build up her life again.(dd even ended up in a safe house ,hiding from him, we were terrified)

*which is what she managed to do.

*but, i'm sure he is "soft soaping her" now she is financially viable again.
1 of the gc, has already explained over time that if you "do what dad wants" it'll be okay, but the older one actually went nc for a while, even changing his name.

I just can't believe that dd's answer to me -when i asked her to promise me that she won't get back with him was "I can't promise mum that we won't get back together"

says it all I guess, he will destroy her again, as he did with all the other women unlucky enough to meet him.
such a big smiley face, so attentive until he has sucked them in, then he goes for jugular.
I guess, at my age, having seen so much, I am so afraid of the future now.
I almost wish she had lied to me, and simply said" of course not mum, after all he did"

Yes.
Absolutely you must protect yourself.
Your dd is a grown woman.
You cannot protect her if she refuses to protect herself :(

After all he did to her and everyone else I cannot understand why she would even consider moving 5 minutes away from him never mind living with him again. I am lost for words.

Looks like she is back in there. I know you are exasperated and angry with her - but would you want a relationship with your daughter with boundaries - or is that too much for you?

I too am lost for words, she knows and is familiar with the area I live in, in fact she likes it, her lovely partner loves it too, but she has made her choice it seems.

I think that is correct, she is making plans for when she comes back which is three weeks time.
I am exasperated, but oddly not angry, just feel sadness that once more she is in danger of wrecking her life yet again, and at her age, over 50, will find it harder the older she becomes to survive financially, particularly with a financial abuser as he is.

the last time a few years ago, she almost ended in prison.
I have told her before, she is gifted academically but has a total lack of common sense.

a relationship with boundaries, i' sorry I don't quite understand what you mean?

I think a relationship with boundaries with your daughter would be difficult to maintain! Can you think what the attraction might be towards this man after all that? Is her new partner aware of the past and that they are moving back very close to him. Does the new partner think they are all moving here together but she has other ideas? I would be wanting to give her a good shake!!

I have no idea what/how my dd can be even slightly interested after the horrendous years.
dd was so desperate one night-in the uk- that she drove to beachy head, fortunately the police tracked her via her mobile-and she was saved.

I believe the "attraction" is from the ex side, purely financial, but as I said before, he can be charming and easily able to manipulate any situation.
even when he was arrested when dd was in the safe house, the police said "he was crying all night" even they sympathised, so cunning is he.

this monster is truly a poison worm inside her brain.

her new (3 years) partner is aware of some of the abuse, he was the shoulder she wept on during the dreadful years.

but he isn't aware yet, that dd plans to move to the same area as the ex.

to be honest, that is the area she was raised and lived, but personally in her shoes I would go to the other end of the country, as far away as possible.

no, dd has told her partner that she is coming back to "see if she likes it" and then they will decide what to do next.
sounds like not burning boats as far as I can understand.

I don't know, I just want to bury my head in the sand and block it all out.
I want to give her a big shake too, even though she is highly intelligent, she has always been influenced by others, except me!!!!!!

Dilemma step back and let it all go.
You've tried and done everything humanly possible to support your DD.

I recommend that you divorce yourself from her decisions and simply tell her that you disagree with her choices - based simply on experience - but that she knows where you are should you need her in the future. You need to accept that you can't sort this out for her, as much as you'd like to.

I think you'll feel a sense of lightness actually and you'll be well able to fill your time without being lonely.

I really do feel for you because I've had similar rock and hardplace situations with a DD. It's never easy regardless of age is it, your DCs remain your beloved DCs even when they're well grown.
You must accept that you need to let this go now and protect your own health and wellbeing.