2 decades of abuse, yet my dd is...............(sorry this is so long)

[whitehairdilemma]

please help me.
I am 70 years old, and have spent/endured the last 2 decades of my life watching/suffering alongside my dd the physical ..emotional..financial abuse from her narcissistic terrifying husband...now ex.

(I made pages of statements to the police regarding the long time abuse, but when they contacted my dd she denied it)

I even had a police marker on my house as he sent threats against me via my dd.

he brought women into my dd's home while she was at work...he never worked himself, thought he was too good for work.

he totally destroyed her career through financial demands....she appeased him through fear, for a bit of peace....

they ended up fleeing abroad....before he told a mutual friend he was going to "trade her in for a younger model".

once he found this younger model, incidentally the mother of their 2 dc's best friends, he threw my dd out of the family home, which of course she was paying for....he never worked there either.
he even married another women for a residency visa.

my dd managed to establish herself again, but he would never give her any peace..threats to burn her house down, anyway eventually he was deported.

as soon as he was back in the uk, he found a widow on a dating site and scared her into giving him thousands of pounds....she had found my phone number in his phone and rang me terrified for her safety.

but there is so much more, but I need to get to the bottom line.

this is that line.

last night my dd skyped me, and she is preparing to return to the uk in a couple of weeks, which of course I am happy about.

suddenly a thought came into my head out of nowhere..which shook me to the core.

"will you promise me one thing" I asked dd.
"you will never get back with him when you come back"

he answer kept me awake all night.
"I can't promise that mum" she replied, explaining that it's best to keep the family together.

for fuck's sake she has been away from his control for the last 5/6 years, yet he is still managing to control her...he knows she has 2 successful businesses and it's like it's come full circle.

I am even considering going nc with dd, though I love her dearly, at my age, I am not strong enough to go through this all again.

I w ant to say directly that if she goes back with him I don't want any contact again, but fear that if I do that he will isolate her as he did for years before.
once isolated her racked the abuse and control up, but the mutual friend was invaluable, this time there will be no one to tell me.

by the way, my dd is 52.

So they've all come back to the UK together? Why would the sons come back too if they're adults? Or have they come back for a holiday?

I guess it's up to them if they stay with their father, I think they are far less likely to be taken in by his brand of bullshit. And in any case will hopefully be heading some soon?

I wonder if dd and the ex ever actually fell out of contact with each other .. could this have been going on the whole time she was abroad? She's certainly been playing new dp for a bloody fool, hasn't she?

It sounds as if things will move quite rapidly to a position where you have to go no contact, but in the interim, you also need to set boundaries. Picking her up outside his house would be one for me, and of course all discussion of him whilst she stays with you is out. I'm guessing they may be in quite regular contact whilst she's with you, which I think you will have to ignore. This is going to be a hard few weeks.

Your mantra needs to be as, you so rightly say, WITHOUT ME. I would agree about talking to WA, they may have a form of words they advise loved ones of domestic abuse victims which isn't likely to alienate them and push them further towards the abuser, but which makes your position clear. If not, have a read of Al-Anon, which is the family support group for alcoholics. 'Detach with love' is one of their mantras.

I have had a look on the WA website and couldnt find anything specific for you - but you might be best to call their help line.

www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010008&sectionTitle=If+you+or+a+friend+need+help