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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my partner

56 replies

RomillyJane · 07/08/2014 17:07

Have n/c for this

lives in my house
pays nothing and has not done for 3.5 years
is 100% dependent on me for money
is horrible to my 2 eldest dc but nice to the younger 2 ( they are not his)
does next to nothing in the house.
we have a very infrequent sex life
is quite cutting and dismissive of me

I adored him. so much. now i am just exhausted. tell me why I allow him to stay?

OP posts:
Original poster
RomillyJane · 07/08/2014 17:08

forgot to add. I work FT and I am deep in debt. at least partly because I pay for everything. Including presents for his kids and his mother

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 07/08/2014 17:10

He's horrible to your DC? That alone is worth kicking him to the kerb. I wonder what they think of you now that you have stayed with someone like this?

Sorry but this ain't just your life it's theirs aswell.

AMumInScotland · 07/08/2014 17:12

Force of habit?
Embarrassment at admitting you made a mistake about his personality?
Fear of being alone?
Lack of self-esteem that makes you feel you don't believe you deserve anything better?

He doesn't sound like he's worth the space he takes up.

GoatsDoRoam · 07/08/2014 17:12

You allow him to stay because deep down, you don't believe that you deserve better.

You do. And your kids also do.

Do right by all 5 of you and kick him out.

Floop · 07/08/2014 17:18

You don't have a partner. You have a dependent adult man in your home. Remove this parasite.

FreckledLeopard · 07/08/2014 17:19

Because the status quo is what you're used to and change is daunting. Because if you do kick him out then you have to admit that it's a failed relationship and it's back to square one.

Because you wonder if you'll disrupt the children's lives or have people judging you if you do kick him out.

There are lots of reasons why you're in the situation you're in. It is very scary and daunting to decide that enough is enough and then go about extricating yourself from the relationship. However, once you've done it, it will be wonderful. Life can be so much better.

I remember sobbing daily when I was splitting up with my husband. Even though the relationship wasn't working, I was distraught at having to start afresh. Two years down the line, I am so, so relieved that I made that decision and that I'm not with him anymore.

Twinklestein · 07/08/2014 17:23

tell me why I allow him to stay?

No idea. You sound enslaved. Personally, I would tell him to leave tonight.

I can't believe your letting him ruin your eldest children's formative years.

Get rid.

Original poster
RomillyJane · 07/08/2014 17:24

i think he has convinced me I wont be able to manage alone

OP posts:
kaykayblue · 07/08/2014 17:26

Tough love:

Because it's easier to watch this man ruin the confidence of your two eldest children, and give them unhappy childhoods, rather than face the uncertainty of change?

Doesn't sound like a particularly good reason to me.

MrsMinton · 07/08/2014 17:26

It sounds like you are managing alone anyway. It will just be one less financial and emotional strain.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/08/2014 17:46

Manage what alone, though? What actual things does he do for you that would be difficult if he weren't around? Start thinking how you could do these things. For example I'm crap at DIY and car maintenance, which XH was good at when he could be arsed so I got a bit better at DIY, roped in the elder DC who are better at it than I am, and pay a garage to look after the car - not cheap but a lot cheaper than a cocklodger who doesn't even supply the cock...

Squidstirfry · 07/08/2014 17:50

One word. Cocklodger.

You probably don't want to hurt him by throwing him out because you're nice.

HumblePieMonster · 07/08/2014 17:50

Why do you allow him to stay?

Because any man is better than no man. Because you're the kind of woman who wants a man at any price.

Sack the loser. Pack his stuff, change the locks, and don't have him back. Today's fine, but tomorrow will do.

FunkyBoldRibena · 07/08/2014 17:51

i think he has convinced me I wont be able to manage alone

Why, what does he bring to the table?

Twinklestein · 07/08/2014 17:51

Not even his cock apparently...

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 07/08/2014 17:56

Take it in stages.

Stop paying for his family completely, and do this immediately.

Reduce the money you give to him to the amount necessary for bare essentials.

Do no more chores for him at all. Up to you whether you feed him but all his washing, errands and commissions he can do himself from today.

Come down on him like a ton of bricks the moment he doesn't treat any of your children properly (that includes obvious favouritism towards any of them).

Give him a date by which you want him to have left by.

eddielizzard · 07/08/2014 17:57

no. HE won't be able to manage alone.

and that is not your problem.

put the kids first and kick this shit to the curb.

Optimist1 · 07/08/2014 18:07

I think your situation is due to that frog/hot water effect. If you were to put a frog in a pan of very hot water it would leap straight out. If you put same frog in a pan of cold water and gradually increase the temperature it's likely to stay put much beyond the leaping-out point of the first example. What temperature was the water when you got into your relationship? It's definitely time to jump.

Original poster
RomillyJane · 07/08/2014 19:23

he has nowhere to go.no money to rent anywhere and no income to live off.

At the beginning i loved him. i think in a way i still do. but i have the situation I m in and I want to protect my children, he has convinced me i am too soft and weak with them

OP posts:
Original poster
RomillyJane · 07/08/2014 19:23

honestly of you met him you would not guess for one minute

OP posts:
dunfightin · 07/08/2014 20:39

Yeah, I had one of those and no I wouldn't have guessed at first.
So you've discovered he is a grade one cocklodger. It's not your problem that he has no money, nowhere else to go and clearly thinks you or another woman owes him a meal ticket.
Honestly, life will be cheaper, more fun and full of potential once you have sent him packing.
As to why, possibly because he has convinced you that you won't be able to cope but you will. Possibly because hope is one of the last things to die.
Plan something good to do once he's gone and have some Thanks in the meantime

Floop · 07/08/2014 20:39

he has nowhere to go.no money to rent anywhere and no income to live off.

Thats not your problem. There is a welfare system in place to help him. It's not your job.

Getting your children away from a man who bullies them in their own home is. Threads on here constantly tell the tale of anger at a parent who didn't defend them from an emotional abuser. Don't let this happen to your children.

tribpot · 07/08/2014 20:48

In what way would you be unable to cope? You do basically everything now, and you'd have one less drain on your finances. Why are you in debt to keep him?

CarryOnDancing · 07/08/2014 20:49

How do you adore a man who is mean to your children?

Very simply put, you have a choice-him or your children. In no possible outcome do you manage to keep both. If this man stays your children won't trust you to protect them and will resent you. That's all the information you need to act!

DameEdnasBridesmaid · 07/08/2014 20:50

He's a parasite and you are enabling him.