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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my partner

56 replies

RomillyJane · 07/08/2014 17:07

Have n/c for this

lives in my house
pays nothing and has not done for 3.5 years
is 100% dependent on me for money
is horrible to my 2 eldest dc but nice to the younger 2 ( they are not his)
does next to nothing in the house.
we have a very infrequent sex life
is quite cutting and dismissive of me

I adored him. so much. now i am just exhausted. tell me why I allow him to stay?

OP posts:
Original poster
RomillyJane · 07/08/2014 22:28

it is ridiculous that I feel so powerless. I think my elder two hate him - they are boys. they are not 'good'; the elder had been arrested for possession of cannabis and the younger is aggressive, and does no academic work at all. They are 15 and 14.The younger two girls adore him- but he is good with them. they are 10 and 8

OP posts:
Floop · 07/08/2014 22:29

So you not think the hostile home environment could be causing your sons problems?

Original poster
RomillyJane · 07/08/2014 22:34

for DS2 maybe. I have thought of that. DS1 started stealing smoking and lying before my partner ( I cant call him DP) arrived

OP posts:
HumblePieMonster · 07/08/2014 23:47

Get rid of the cocklodger.
As long as your sons see him live off you, and you support him when he is not respectful of them, they will lack respect for you. To be honest, it might be too late for a quick-fix in your relationships with your sons. But being without the dead-weight partner will help. You'll have more energy to put into your relationships with your children.
When you've established that you're in charge of your own home, that you aren't being taken advantage of, you can set clear guidelines about the behaviour of your children, and decide what you're going to do if they don't keep to them.

Floop · 07/08/2014 23:55

for DS2 maybe. I have thought of that. DS1 started stealing smoking and lying before my partner ( I cant call him DP) arrived

But staying with him isn't making it better. It's continuing a cycle of negative action. He's mean, so they behave badly, to which he is mean. BREAK THE CHAIN.

I'm appalled quite frankly that you're choosing him over your children. Why did you even make this thread? You're not willing to change anything.

Jux · 08/08/2014 00:37

RomillyJane, you are worth so much more than this. And of course you can manage on your own. In all financial and practical ways you already do, don't you?

It will be easier once he's gone because you won't have him leeching off you, being horrid to you and the children.

So what if he has nowhere to go. He could stay with his family - the ones you buy his presents for - or sofa surf for a while.

Otherwise, he will be there, costing you money, being horrid to your boys, playing them off against the girls (until the girls get older and he starts being horrid to them too), as I say, he will be there doing the same old stiff this time next year. And the year after that, and the one after that. And one day, you'll find you're 85 years old and he's still there.

Original poster
RomillyJane · 08/08/2014 09:58

you wouldnt think this if you met me either
i look strong from the outside
just feel so so sad.
i had such hopes for us
i know it has to be over. i just dont know if i can do this

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 08/08/2014 10:04

So, you tell us why you don't just throw him out?

Your children will be better without a negative influence in their lives. I doubt they'll wake up the next morning, go to school with a spring in their step, buy you flowers and apologise for the bad times, but they will gradually start to look at their lives and realise that things can be better.

While you show them such a prime example of "Life is shit and you can't expect anything better" they won't see any reason to believe that they can improve.

Once you get rid of him, and apologise to them for having put up with it for so long, they will see that things can improve for anyone.

At the moment, you're not just managing without any support - emotional, practical, and financial - you're also supporting a bloody great dead-weight of a 'man' in addition to yourself and four children. You're not the weak one here, except for this one blind spot.

Jan45 · 08/08/2014 11:11

Can't believe you're allowing this vile man to fuck with your children's self esteem and confidence, fair enough if you want him to take yours away, you are an adult, you are meant to put your kids first and protect them, no wonder your sons are having problems, what a horrible atmosphere they are forced to live in.

Get him out then work on yourself and loving your children, you don't need a vile man like this to justify your existence, if you do, you're as bad as him I'm afraid.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/08/2014 11:22

You are putting the wants and needs of this cocklodger above the wants and needs of your own children!
WOW - just WOW!
Please wake up and smell the coffee.
You are teaching your poor DC some really bad life lessons and relationship examples here.
Get rid and do it now.
You are not responsible for this GROWN man.
He managed before you and he will manage without.
No doubt he will find some other poor scmuck to sponge off.

Just re-read your posts, what would you tell someone who was writing this?
It's a no brainer!

It can be soooo frustrating reading this kind of thing.
You are an intelligent, independent woman.
WTF are you doing?

Sorry to be harsh, but your DC are suffering every day he remains lazing around your house.

You know what to do.
Tell him you want him gone and he has the weekend to pack up and get out.
Make sure your sons are with you to 'help' him on his way!

hellsbellsmelons · 08/08/2014 11:25

And please go on-line and do the 'Freedom Programme'
You need to understand why you think it's OK to put with this shit!
And it will help you see red flags for future relationships.

Your sons will be so proud of you standing up to this hiddeous man.
They will do all they can to help you with it I'm sure.
Make them proud, make yourself proud.

chaseface · 08/08/2014 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux · 08/08/2014 22:23

There is only one thing worse than spending 3.5 years with a fuckwit, and that's spending 3.5 years and one day with a fuckwit.

Silverdaisy · 08/08/2014 22:32

From what you have written, there is a lot of damage control that you need to put into action. Your sons are not going in a positive direction, their future is important. Your actions are what they are learning from.

Original poster
RomillyJane · 14/08/2014 16:26

I kicked him out today. He was HORRIBLE about and to DS1, in his hearing. I told him to leave, I am so so angry I'm shaking. I feel desperately anxious and very stressed but I know I have to stick to this. I have blocked his number on my iphone; I have blocked him on FB. I feel sick.

Help me stay strong

I need to change the lock as he wouldn't give me his key

OP posts:
HQstolemyname · 14/08/2014 17:05

Congratulations! You have done 1,000,000% the right thing.

Call the police DV Unit on 101 and talk to them. Tell them you've just kicked him out and you're scared that he will cause trouble. They will tag your number and address so that if he does turn up they will get there quickly.

And if he does turn up, call 999. Do not let him in; do not get lured into conversation with him. Tell him to go away and that you have called the police.

Is there some way of securing the door so he can't get in despite having the key? Bolts or something?

Hang on to that anger, Romilly, it is a positive force right now.

eddielizzard · 14/08/2014 20:02

YES!!!! you have done the RIGHT THING. and keep doing it even though it's the hardest thing ever. just think of your lovely kids and do it for them, if not yourself.

Flossiex2 · 14/08/2014 20:20

Isn't it awful/weird/sad how we end up in relationships with people who act as if they don't like us. You would never be treated by a friend like that, so why is it so common for live-in partners to treat their supposed loved one so badly? Yes I've been there and I am still angry that I tolerated so much for so long. You have done the right thing.

PlantsAndFlowers · 14/08/2014 20:25

Fantastic!

tipsytrifle · 14/08/2014 20:32

I'm heaving a huuuuge sigh of relief from the sidelines.
Well done, Romilly!

Can you jam something against the door for tonight to prevent it being opened if he returns later? Or leave your own key in the lock? Or both?

Yes, a very good idea to log this with the police as suggested above ...

I'm actually ecstatic for your new freedom.
Also think this is the real you starting to shine again, hey?

AnyFucker · 14/08/2014 20:35

Well done for kicking him out

Now please stop being one of those women that puts a relationship with a bloke in front of the welfare of her children

irrationalme · 14/08/2014 20:38

put keys in locks so he cant use his when you're asleep. The money you spend on a locksmith will be chicken feed and negated by what you would have spent on him.

myroomisatip · 14/08/2014 20:41

Well done!!

Things will only get better now. Make sure you keep the doors and windows locked and DO NOT WEAKEN. He is a bastard and you are much better off without him and so are your DC.

Original poster
RomillyJane · 14/08/2014 20:55

I will lock the door from the inside tonight. My youngest - one with whom HE gets n very well said to me "you haven broken anything Mum; youve made us ok again" - she is very perceptive.

I'm so so sad that what started out so good has ended like this. But I alos feel a tiny bit proud

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 14/08/2014 21:00

oh wow, what your daughter said? AWESOME!