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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If you thought you heard DP masterbating...

58 replies

McBear · 07/08/2014 15:39

Can't believe I'm typing this out. Hoping to god no one knows me. So here goes...

Background... Been together seven n a half years. Pregnancy put a big stop to our sex life. We went from daily to weekly to fortnightly. Not much touching connection/snuggling otherwise. I feel a big connection was lost.

We struggled along while DD was small. Generally on mat leave and once I went back to work, he'd go into the spare room once she woke and stayed there for the night. Still sex fortnightly but more weekly or somewhere in between if say.

Now DD is 2yrs 10/11months. Definitely fortnightly now and it's a 'do you want sex?' 'Yeah go on then' in bed, lights off. Generally his excuse is that he's tired/just wants to go sleep. Fair enough, so am I.

I've tried dressing up etc. he waits til we are in bed and I'm sat downstairs waiting for bedtime in my ann summers. Sometimes/half of the time he still says he's too tired.

When he's been out drinking he wants sex and it's great.

So last night... After an hour of sleeping next to me he goes to spare room saying he's too hot. Other room is much cooler. Smaller but comfier bed. Few hours later I get up for a wee and hear the very creaky bed creaking like a thrusting 3/4 times and then a groan as it stops. Not sure if a waking up suddenly groan from say a bad dream or a groan

I walk out of bathroom and about thirty seconds later he goes for a wee too.

He says he's still attracted to me. Do I ask him if he did that while I was in the next room having already asked him or just act as if it never happened and ask if he's still attracted/wants me etc?

OP posts:
Namechangearoonie123 · 07/08/2014 15:44

Masturbating normal, don't you ever?

Having bad or no sex might need some attention though. Are you happy with your sex life?

McBear · 07/08/2014 15:48

No never. Especially not when DP is in the house. Accept I'm a bit of a psycho this way tho. It's rude. If you want some, get some from the person who is willing. If I'm not there, fair enough.

He had a penchant for waking up for it.

Neither of us are happy. Both of us say 'we should have sex more' but when it comes to it hen ever wants it.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 07/08/2014 15:50

Masturbating for both sexes is normal, going off to a room by yourself most nights isn't, either is not wanting sex with your partner.

Do you actually know what he is doing in there, he could be doing anything, porn, web cams, sex sites.....?

Sorry but I am just not buying the too tired.

Namechangearoonie123 · 07/08/2014 15:51

Neither of you want more sex?

It's reasonable for your husband to not agree with you about wanking though, he might not agree that if you want sex you have to have it with someone.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/08/2014 15:52

Can you get a look at his internet history?
You be amazed at how many relationships / sex lives are ruined by DH watching and wanking over too much porn!

Do you actually love each other?
If you both do and you want to make it work then you need to work on this.
Counselling/therapy, would he agree to that?

AMumInScotland · 07/08/2014 15:52

Masturbating is pretty normal, for both sexes. It's a lot simpler than dealing with the minefield that your sex life seems to have become.

You need to talk about what works and what doesn't, and both agree that this is something you need to prioritise if you are to move forward with this.

Do you get time together as a couple? it's easy to forget to think of each other as a partner if you don't. Even going out for a drink/meal/film now and again can help you to reconnect. Get a babysitter and go out.

On the plus side, if he still says he finds you attractive, and acts on it when drunk, the spark is still there. It just needs some attention!

McBear · 07/08/2014 15:53

His phone was on charge in the hall way. His laptop was downstairs. I doubt it. He leaves at like 1am. Not svery night. Actually, generally I go in DDs room to soothe her and fall asleep at about twelve or three. So partly at fault.

I assumed he'd be doing it when he was getting ready for work as I leave before he's even up

OP posts:
Pinkfrocks · 07/08/2014 15:54

No never but especially not when he is in the house..

so which is it :) No, never- or only when alone?

what do you mean you are a bit of a 'psycho'- do you know what psycho means???

You clearly have a 'issue' with masturbation - you think it's 'rude' , so you won't approve if he does it.

You said your sex life stopped when you had a baby- it doesn't sound as if the baby is to blame- sounds as if he has low libido more like.

Think you need to have a very frank and honest chat with your DP about all this.

ShatnersBassoon · 07/08/2014 15:56

No never. Especially not when DP is in the house.

That's sometimes then.

It's not weird or shameful. If you think it's relevant to the problems you're having with your sex life, you'll need to be able to discuss it calmly and without embarrassment.

thecageisfull · 07/08/2014 15:57

I think it's rude to masterbate when your DP is in the house without asking them first if they want to be involved. I say this in the cold light of day but in the middle of the night I don't always remember my manners.

Lally112 · 07/08/2014 15:57

I'd have been in there to finish him off. Sorry if that's TMI for this time of day but I would. I've even had a text from DH telling me to come home quickly as my ahem 'services' are required sometimes. I appreciate its difficult with intimacy after a baby and all but I think its pretty normal too to need some.

Bisou88 · 07/08/2014 16:01

I have to say, if either DP or myself are feeling frisky, we would rather get our kicks with each others involvement. If i heard DP masturbating without me id be a bit Hmm

Yes it is normal to masturbate, but we never do it unless the other person isnt around. He's working away atm and still manage to do it together (Phone)

I would most certainly say something. Sex is (to alot of couples) an important part of a relationship. If its important to you, then imo he should be making an effort. Even tired sex can be fun!

McBear · 07/08/2014 16:13

To be clear... I never do. Never have. Sorry if that's unusual to some people. By not when the other person is in the house, I mean if I wasn't there then it's fine but if I am I'm not impressed to not be invited.

I certainly wasn't blaming DD. It's never a babies fault, hope I didn't give that impression.

Both of us do want more sex. Or he says he does until push comes to shove.

Re joining him, I was busy weeing (sexy) and it was 'done' if it was that being done.

I'm going to have a frank chat about what we/I can do to move forward.

No we don't get enough time alone. I mean there's after her bedtime but not meals alone etc as both very far from family and friends we would ask.

We are going to start a date night every pay day tho Grin

Perhaps what he likes has changed and I just assume I know and I don't anymore Hmm

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 07/08/2014 16:13

I think the masturbation is a non issue. So he was in bed in a separate room and several hours later the mood took him to have a wank so he did. It's not the same thing as sex. You're annoyed because he should have come and woken you up?

If you're unhappy at the amount of sex or affection you're getting then you need to communicate but if he only wants sex once a fortnight (and that's not so unusual for couples with young kids) then that's allowed same if it was you who only wanted sex once a fortnight.

kaykayblue · 07/08/2014 17:09

I would be highly pissed off in your shoes. Yes wanking is normal, but it is NOT normal when you are constantly refusing sex with your partner, yet sneaking off for a wank in the middle of the night.

I think you need to have a frank discussion about your sex life with him, and make it known that you aren't happy. If it's a genuine tired/timing issue, then you both need to work out a way to try and resolve that. Always leaving it to the last thing at night isn't particularly great, as one person will naturally be tired and wanting to sleep.

HumblePieMonster · 07/08/2014 17:47

If you thought you heard DP masturbating
Assuming you mean a dp of mine, not if I heard yours...
I'd be quicker off the mark and join in?
If I'd missed the main event, I'd slip into bed next to him, give him a quick kiss and show him how I do it? Or make sure he heard me, as I pleasured myself in a nearby room?
There's so much potential in this situation!
OP, the first thing you need to do is to learn how to do it for yourself. There'll be something you like, if you give it a try.
I think all the people who say its rude to masturbate if your partner is in the house are a bit... odd. Masturbation is about 'me' not 'us'.

wafflyversatile · 07/08/2014 17:56

NOT normal when you are constantly refusing sex with your partner, yet sneaking off for a wank in the middle of the night.

The op said it was several hours after he went to the room that she got up and heard him. Either he was wanking for hours or he woke up several hours later had a wank. Should he be obliged to go through and have sex?

It's his body.

wafflyversatile · 07/08/2014 17:59

If a man was on here complaining that his DW was too tired for sex except once a fortnight with a nearly 3 year old in the house but she had a wank then the replies would be very different, I think.

McBear · 07/08/2014 18:05

I did go back into the main room and then think duck it, I'll follow him in and give it a go. I snuggled up and all was fine then I went in for the kill and he turned round looked at me a bit angry (like if you'd been woke up, made me chuckle) and said no. Lay there for a bit, got emotional and came back to own room as he stole the duvet and I was cold. Then I just lay there... Thinking!

OP posts:
McBear · 07/08/2014 18:09

I get that masturbation would be a me thing, in it's very nature but I'd have thought it would be better to have sex.

I think our issue is that we have got used to the lack of sex so it's very awkward/uncomfortable to start.

OP posts:
GarlicAugustus · 07/08/2014 18:14

The only times I've been through this in relationships, it turned out my partner was having an affair.

I don't have children, though.

McBear · 07/08/2014 18:18

I am 99 per cent certain he wouldn't do that. He's simply not that kind of person. I know he's been asked. Honesty is his middle name Grin

OP posts:
FrankSaysNo · 07/08/2014 18:22

You have to make time for each other . I never understand the not sleeping together thing though.

McBear · 07/08/2014 18:23

We go to bed together but he struggles to sleep so say if I snore like a deranged pig, it's too hot or he simply can't get comfy he goes to spare room

OP posts:
Abilly72 · 07/08/2014 18:26

Lack of sex is the answer to his rather gross behaviour-apart from any other faults he may have he certainly has no sex manners.if you wont.asturbate him,and he wont have sex then he should get himself out of the house,never mind the bedroom.Apart from that there are plenty of masseurs! whowill help him out