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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If you thought you heard DP masterbating...

58 replies

McBear · 07/08/2014 15:39

Can't believe I'm typing this out. Hoping to god no one knows me. So here goes...

Background... Been together seven n a half years. Pregnancy put a big stop to our sex life. We went from daily to weekly to fortnightly. Not much touching connection/snuggling otherwise. I feel a big connection was lost.

We struggled along while DD was small. Generally on mat leave and once I went back to work, he'd go into the spare room once she woke and stayed there for the night. Still sex fortnightly but more weekly or somewhere in between if say.

Now DD is 2yrs 10/11months. Definitely fortnightly now and it's a 'do you want sex?' 'Yeah go on then' in bed, lights off. Generally his excuse is that he's tired/just wants to go sleep. Fair enough, so am I.

I've tried dressing up etc. he waits til we are in bed and I'm sat downstairs waiting for bedtime in my ann summers. Sometimes/half of the time he still says he's too tired.

When he's been out drinking he wants sex and it's great.

So last night... After an hour of sleeping next to me he goes to spare room saying he's too hot. Other room is much cooler. Smaller but comfier bed. Few hours later I get up for a wee and hear the very creaky bed creaking like a thrusting 3/4 times and then a groan as it stops. Not sure if a waking up suddenly groan from say a bad dream or a groan

I walk out of bathroom and about thirty seconds later he goes for a wee too.

He says he's still attracted to me. Do I ask him if he did that while I was in the next room having already asked him or just act as if it never happened and ask if he's still attracted/wants me etc?

OP posts:
LiberalLibertines · 08/08/2014 01:36

Oh love, it sounds like he 'gave in' to me.

For some reason he doesn't want sex,I don't buy the I'm tired line.

He needs to tell you what's going on, unless he can't tell you for some reason.

AMumInScotland · 08/08/2014 09:54

I think you need to talk. Really talk. Not talk while you wave your boobs at him. Not talk while you play footsy. Not talk just after you've tried to diddle him right after he's shaken one off - did you really think he'd be 'up for it' five minutes after masturbating? If he was angry it was probably because the timing was so off (his or yours or both).

You need to find a time to sit down and say "Look. I love you, and I enjoy sex. This lack of sex is causing me a problem, and I don't think it's making you happy either. What are we going to do as a couple to get past this?"

And then give him a chance to explain what the problem is, without telling him he is wrong, or that what he's saying is hurtful. Once he reaches the end of what he feels he needs to say, then you can say that it upsets you if that's the truth of it. But you need to let him tell you first before you make it unacceptable for him to tell you.

It may be anything or nothing, but until you know what the problem is, from his point of view, your games are not going to get you anywhere.

McBear · 08/08/2014 10:08

There are no games here. I wanted to gauge his responses to various things. I wanted to be close to him and snuggle. These are not games, these are movements towards becoming close again.

No I didn't think he'd be up for it but I did think that, again I could use the attempt to gauge his response.

We have had this talk a few times. It's always the same

'I love you.
You're my world.
I could never get anyone as good as you again, I'm so lucky.
I'd never dream of leaving you.
We've just been together so long we need to accept it's not going to be exciting anymore.
Don't you think the thought of how it'll be after 20 years scares me too '

He's not happy in the area that we live in and wants to move back home but he is the one who halts plans to do this.

We have the talk, make the effort and then drip back to the comfort zone.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 08/08/2014 10:40

That 'talk' is all theory though.

You need the actual talk where he agrees to try to have sex with you more often. Where you decide to schedule a 'date night' once a month. Where you agree to find a babysitter so that you can spend time together as a couple. Where you tell him that you love the way he looks in a tight t-shirt. Where he tells you that actually he hates thongs and would love to see you in french knickers.

The one about sex. Not love.

If he changes the subject, change it back. This isn't about you accusing him of not loving you, it's about how the two of you, as a couple, have sex a lot more often.

You can start by reassuring him that you love him and aren't planning to leave, if that is something you think you need to say or he needs to hear. But then you have to get to the actual problem and talk about that.

Everything else is avoidance, you as well as him. You try to prompt him into a response, you try to guess how he feels from what he does, you don't actually confront the problem and talk about it.

Selks · 08/08/2014 10:50

It sounds like he feels pressured. I wonder what the advice would be on here if it was a man that had started this thread..
I'm not saying that to make you feel you have to put up with this. OP, but I do think he needs to not feel pressured tobe able to relax and discuss it with you.

McBear · 08/08/2014 10:55

Great advice Scotland.

I do think he will feel pressured. He clearly doesn't want to talk about it or at least not at the times I do. I want an answer and the issue isn't going away. If I approach it as a mum in Scotland suggests, it sounds like an easy going, non accusatory conversation.

I also wonder how this would have gone if I or all you guys were male. No one has asked if I've put weight on or pull my weight around the house Wink

OP posts:
PistolWhipped · 08/08/2014 11:01

Sometimes we don't want to have sex, we want to masturbate. And not every man wants his insecure missus leaping into the room to finish him off, a la Lally112 Hmm

4littleones · 09/08/2014 08:07

I agree with the others - the masturbation shouldn't be an issue. I do it, as do most. Generally it takes very little effort, very little time and you haven't got to worry about pleasuring anybody else or what you look like etc etc It's a very different thing and not totally linked to not wanting sex.

However Like you say I think you do need to talk. Although one thing I will say, is the more I am "hassled" for sex, the less I want to do it. Where as left alone, I will quickly get my sex drive back.

I would talk about ways that you 2 can spice things up a bit. Maybe trying something new or that you haven't done in a while. There is always something else you haven't done and that really helps us when things have got a bit boring.

I also think that if this was a Man, saying that his Wife doesn't want sex very often since having a baby, and that she was often saying she was too tired, despite him regularly trying it on and talking to her about it. I think everybody would be fuming that he has even suggested she is in the wrong.

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