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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If you thought you heard DP masterbating...

58 replies

McBear · 07/08/2014 15:39

Can't believe I'm typing this out. Hoping to god no one knows me. So here goes...

Background... Been together seven n a half years. Pregnancy put a big stop to our sex life. We went from daily to weekly to fortnightly. Not much touching connection/snuggling otherwise. I feel a big connection was lost.

We struggled along while DD was small. Generally on mat leave and once I went back to work, he'd go into the spare room once she woke and stayed there for the night. Still sex fortnightly but more weekly or somewhere in between if say.

Now DD is 2yrs 10/11months. Definitely fortnightly now and it's a 'do you want sex?' 'Yeah go on then' in bed, lights off. Generally his excuse is that he's tired/just wants to go sleep. Fair enough, so am I.

I've tried dressing up etc. he waits til we are in bed and I'm sat downstairs waiting for bedtime in my ann summers. Sometimes/half of the time he still says he's too tired.

When he's been out drinking he wants sex and it's great.

So last night... After an hour of sleeping next to me he goes to spare room saying he's too hot. Other room is much cooler. Smaller but comfier bed. Few hours later I get up for a wee and hear the very creaky bed creaking like a thrusting 3/4 times and then a groan as it stops. Not sure if a waking up suddenly groan from say a bad dream or a groan

I walk out of bathroom and about thirty seconds later he goes for a wee too.

He says he's still attracted to me. Do I ask him if he did that while I was in the next room having already asked him or just act as if it never happened and ask if he's still attracted/wants me etc?

OP posts:
Back2Two · 07/08/2014 19:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

McBear · 07/08/2014 19:30

So, just putting DD to bed and then will talk to him.

Any ideas on how I should start?

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DustBunnyFarmer · 07/08/2014 19:43

I suffer with insomnia bouts & find that masturbation can be useful for stopping unhelpful trains of thought & worrying about stuff, as you have be in the moment and focus on the sensation. It's not unusual for it to relax me enough to nod off straight after. Hmm. I should probably have nc for this, but can't be arsed.

DustBunnyFarmer · 07/08/2014 19:45

I also move to the spare room as it is cooler and my husband's noisy breathing (not that I want him to stop) keeps me awake. I'm not sneaking off to wank, just to be clear.

RainbowB7 · 07/08/2014 19:53

I don't think its "rude" to masturbate when you have a partner or your partner is in the house. I think masturbation is normal and possibly fulfils a different need to sex with a partner which IMO is more about intimacy whereas masturbation is more functional. However I do take your point that if my partner was refusing sex and I was feeling a bit rejected in my sex life then I would probably feel a bit pissed off to hear DP wanking in another room.

I think you need to have a proper chat about the dwindling sex life. How to start it, I guess try not to be critical and just say something like you miss the closeness and connection and want to both put more effort in to get your physical relationship back to where it was?

BeforeAndAfter · 07/08/2014 20:02

Could you try sex at a time other than bed time? Maybe a weekend lunchtime so neither of you are knackered? If the little one won't nap can you let grandparents have the baby for a while? It might seem clinical and unromantic but you need to plan and start somewhere when you're both perky. Have you asked him what time day he's at his most horny? Maybe start there.

McBear · 07/08/2014 20:10

Dust bunny, that's actually a very good point. I know he often has sex to get himself to sleep and I always feel like a means to an end haha. He can't win!

I don't want to just outright come and say 'do you still find me attractive' but I'm not sure how to start it. I don't think I'm brave enough to bring up the masturbating do probably won't. I guess it's not of my business Blush

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LuluJakey1 · 07/08/2014 20:16

I can't see the issue with him having a wank. He was in the spare room, several hours after he'd gone in there, in the middle of the night. What is the problem?

I can see an issue with your sexual relationship. Most men would be delighted if their DW slipped into bed next to them and gave them some attention. DH would like nothing better than me waking him up in the middle of the night for some sleepy sex occasionally. The fact that he responded the way he did says there is a problem. Was he angry? He sounds like he was.

McBear · 07/08/2014 20:18

I don't think angry but he's not exactly the happiest of people. Not permanently angry but certainly not a ph7 - neutral.

There have been times where I've thought he's depressed and times where I've simply thought him selfish.

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LuluJakey1 · 07/08/2014 20:25

I meant because of the way he reacted when you got into bed and started 'fiddling' with him. I would have expected him to at least cuddle up but he reacted really coldly from what you said- enough to make you feel sad and emotional. Seems a bit of an odd reaction, as if he was angry or resentful.

McBear · 07/08/2014 20:34

Well I came home Tuesday and he had a face of thunder. I asked if he was ok. He angrily responded yes. I asked if he was pissed off and he angrily replied no. Perhaps something is eating at him.

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McBear · 07/08/2014 20:41

Hmmm not going well. Had shower and went downstairs in tight top, push up bra and a thong carrying some shorts. He didn't look up. Told him he'd tied the shorts too tight. He looked up and hmmm'ed. Then I sat next to him awkwardly and tried to snuggle our legs together and he huffed and moved. Come upstairs for something now... Grrrr. It's hopeless Confused

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McBear · 07/08/2014 20:51

Got a joke out of him. When I came back down the laptop was placed where I'd been sitting (next to him). I asked if it had subtly been put there to stop me. He genuinely said no and added with a hint of laughter and a bloody smile 'but if it does the job'

Film on. Working my way up to talking. still wormed my foot on his leg Wink

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Justputyourshoesonnow · 07/08/2014 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CafeAuLaitMerci · 07/08/2014 20:59

I thought you were going to talk to him not do some misguided sex kitten act?

It's hot, I don't blame anyone for sleeping in another, cooler, room. If this carries on I'm going to sleep in the bloody garden.

If I am in another room (or in fact the same bed with someone) and wake up and fancy a quick fiddle I'll have one thanks, I'm not going to traipse through to my other half & wake him up, get hotter, sweatier & more wide awake etc.

It's my body, I don't have to offer anyone else first refusal Hmm

Rude?? Rude?? What a ridiculous thing to say.

CafeAuLaitMerci · 07/08/2014 21:02

You need to stop all of these games you are playing and talk. Like adults, about a serious problem you have in your relationship and I don't think it's sex.

McBear · 07/08/2014 21:03

Nothing. He's moved his leg. Seems calm. Will find a moment to talk...

I wanted to talk but wanted to look attractive and feel confident while I was saying whatever.

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SickOfAnts · 07/08/2014 21:15

Please just talk to the man!

Opening gambit..."Did i hear you wanking the other night?"

Lead on from there.

(HTH)

GarlicAugustus · 07/08/2014 21:53

Alternative gambit: I'd like to have sex with you, are you up for it?

Potentially followed by: Ah. I'm getting a bit worried about this.

McBear · 07/08/2014 22:24

Ok so it went like this...

Me: 'do you want to have sex'

No

Why?

Going to sleep is top of my list of things to do!

Getting a bit worried. So you still want to have sex with me?

Long silence...

Me: Ermmmm, that's worrying. I ask because I thought I heard something last night tgat makes me think it's me rather than not wanting sex?

Silence...

Me again: or am I imagining things?

Him: think you're imagining things.

Then an almighty row kicks off across the street. We hear everything and talk about how we worry for that family, what we/society could do. About my recent hair incident, how it's too hot.

I ask if he wants sex again. He says go on then. We rocked it Wink

I think he's being genuine when he says he's tired but there are other places than a ducking bed at night to have sex. Angry

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HumblePieMonster · 07/08/2014 22:26

humble I think all the people who say its rude to masturbate if your partner is in the house are a bit... odd. Masturbation is about 'me' not 'us' If you think that^^ then why are you jumping into bed next to him after you've heard him ....or suddenly masturbating loudly in the next room. Sounds like you're making HIS masturbation all about you
no, i just have a sociable nature.

GarlicAugustus · 07/08/2014 22:37

Humble Grin

Oh dear, McBear, well at least you had your evil way!

Maybe try him before breakfast?

Darquesse · 07/08/2014 22:54

My dp and I have very different sex drives so I feel your pain. I think you need a chat about how you feel rejected and need a bit of reassurance and affection sometimes. I don't think tying this conversation in with a seduction attempt is helpful. It adds too much pressure and potential for hurt feelings.

CafeAuLaitMerci · 07/08/2014 23:03

Oh well, quick fuck, all sorted then.

Hmm
McBear · 08/08/2014 01:01

I didn't come downstairs with the intention of sex. I came down with the intention of feeling good enough about myself to bring it up and I wanted to see his reaction to me.

The reason we kind of talked about it in bed and whilst sex was offered was that I thought that was the best way for it to come out reasonably naturally.

I think I will continue the conversation of what we can do tomorrow.

He said three separate people have told him he looks tired this week. I have that every day!

Can't before work. I'm up at 5, work for seven. He's up at half seven. We completely miss each other. Big shame because we did used to sneak it in then

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