Bitch radar has homed in on me!

[Heartofgoldheadofcabbage]

I am a bitch...really...and the way I am reacting to my fiancé is on the borders of being emotionally abusive.

I can blame it on my past and how I have been treated, I can blame it on hating myself and pushing him away and testing him to see if he will hurt me.

But the bottom lime is I have become/am becoming the very thing that people on MN are warned about...

My so called self awareness and self analysis has flagged me up...

I am devastated!

Can you explain a little more why you think this?

What have you done?

The silly, absent minded things that he does...drive me insane! I repeat myself all the time and nothing changes. He doesn't listen. HE DOESNT LISTEN!!! It all builds up and my reactions are so volatile (shouting, ranting)and so fatalistic (don't know if I can be with you, not sure I want to marry you)that he looks as me like I'm mad!

I sulk, take myself off to the spare room...calm down...analyse...then start to question...am I over reacting?..why do these little things wind me up so much?

Sorry for the waffle, it all seem so trivial when written down...but I feel like my head/heart/stomach are going to explode!

Background:
Together nearly 5 years.
Previous abusive relationships (both of us)
I know he loves me but I think he is mentally/emotionally lazy
He is a softy, tries to hard sometimes and gets it wrong. Is easily distracted.
I over analyse, overthink and am hyper-aware and protective of myself...quite possibly to much of perfectionist.

my reactions are so volatile (shouting, ranting)and so fatalistic (don't know if I can be with you, not sure I want to marry you)

This would really upset me. It would scare me and have me walking on eggshells.

Maybe just stop being such a bitch then?

Is this behaviour you learned from your own parents?

How are you getting in this situation of extreme frustration? Do you generally feel powerless, and this is just another example of not being able to get what you want? Might it help if you get some other aspects of your life under control, so that you feel you've achieved something somewhere?

When you feel so frustrated, what other things could you do apart from shouting?

Is it just with him? Do you lack respect for him? If so, is he maybe not the one for you?

Your reaction may be ott.

But his actions should also be examined.

Maybe he is at fault too? Or maybe you just don't love him any more?

OP, can I point out the obvious and suggest you get some counselling? Cognitive behavioural therapy might be a good start. Have a look at the link below and see how many of the patterns of thinking are ones you have fallen into. I bet there are positive things about your personality or why would your DP be with you in the first place? You need to get past that self-hating, which is what you're indulging in here with all this "I'm a bitch" stuff, to be honest.

www.harleytherapy.co.uk/cognitive-distortions-cbt.htm

(disclaimer - I have no experience of these therapists and am linking to this page just because it's a good summary of cognitive distortions)

+1 for counselling. KayKay - unfortunately it isn't always as easy as just stopping. But it can be stopped. Professional help should soon have it sorted.

Hi op

Your reactions maybe extreme and yes no one male or female deserves to be treated this way but, if he annoys you this much why are you together there is no written rule that says you must stay in this relationship because of time served.

Could it be it has run it's course? He irritates you because you are not compatible anymore. I'm all for the lessons we have learned from the past position, but I'm also in the camp of if the evidence says it's not working then stop doing it, your driving yourself and probably him to distraction because you don't want to be there anymore.

Just because you love someone doesn't make it automatically right.

I agree with vivacia.

I couldn't live like this and maybe you are being EA. Have you as other have said thought about therapy?

Wow! You sound a bit like me. I keep it in, keep it down, change my focus but sometimes I can't help reacting. I have no excuse - in that I have never been in abusive relationship, but I guess it was learned from my mum who I have come to realise has been a very insecure, unhappy woman for much of her life.

My H drives me mad sometimes but when I examine his behaviour I can't honestly see any real reason to get so angry with him. His main crime is that he isn't me and he doesn't see the world in the same way.

I have managed to get better at toning it down since the children can along. I have been on ADs for many years on and off. Come off them recently and I have let rip at three people I love in the last fortnight. They 'deserved' it in a way but I know my reaction was completely OTT and undeserved.

H had an affair 2 years ago and I have done a lot of introspection since and am sort of coming to the conclusion that I may have been borderline abusive. It's not a good feeling.

Vivacia yes you are right and that's what the look on his face says to me.
KKB yes you are right. Easier said than done though.
In the moment it's like an extreme need to defend myself and get my point across and be heard.

I calmly sat down with him last night so we could talk...and everything I said he just 'parroted' back at me. For example:

(Me)I am a bit quiet but when I speak to you you don't listen or you don't hear me.
(Him) I do listen and I do hear you I just don't know what to say.
(Me)say anything so I know you are listening.
(Him) ..........

(Him) I'm not well, I'm in pain, it's really bad!!!!!!
(Me) I was like that last week. Have you called the Dr?
(Him) you were ill last week? ...
(Me) yes remember when I was in tears...and I went to the DR...and he sent me for blood tests....
(Him).........

Sorry....I have so many examples in my head but they seem so trivial. I think we have got into 'one-up-manship' and when we have a discussion I try to be an adult and calm...he just parrots back at me. My frustration rises...I struggle to stay calm...

I grew up with a mother like this. It's quite difficult to read the OP and Irian talking about it from their perspective. Fairly casual and as if it's an idiosyncrasy or annoying habit.

That doesn't read as though he's parroting it back to you. It reads as though he's letting you know he's listening to you. What do you want from him?

Op you would do better to stand in front of a brick wall and bang your head on it, so I'll ask again why are you bothering to stay ?

Not sure how those conversations could lead to you shouting? You're telling him things, and not responding to what he says (e.g. turning the conversation round to yourself instead of sympathising with him). He's responding to what you say. What is he supposed to say instead - what is wrong with his reaction in these scenarios?

this seem relevant

No, not casual at all vivacia. It's a horrible realisation to come to and I am only just getting there. I can come up with a million rationalisations but none of them really make any difference. I have always been the good guy - been the one who sorts things out, makes other people happy....but I often seethe inside. While I am seething everything is rosy externally, it's only when the seething turns outwards that anyone would object. So self-anger or anger towards everyone else. More often that not it's been directed inwards - hence the depression and anxiety I guess.

Irianofway thank you and yes ditto.
To all those suggesting counselling, yes had it for 3+years in the past stopped when I met this partner (I was cured don't you know!)
I have thought about starting it again but worried about finding a good one/ building the trust rapport I had with the last counsellor.

As someone above said the things that annoy me really are trivial absent minded stuff and in the grand scheme of things not a big deal but they build up and build up and become almost an indication (to me) that he can't be arsed...because I will sort it out anyway...remember his family birthdays, pay a bill, post a letter, call a tradesman, get the dinner on at a certain time...confirm arrangements for something....

Guilty pleasures...we are good/great 70% of the time as I have questioned if we have just reached the end of the road. I often say "love is not enough" as his get out clause/comment is always "I love you" as a reason I should not get frustrated at the things that frustrate me and the fact that I sometimes find him dismissive of me...

Have not learnt this behaviour from parents...however...Middle child from a big family (10 siblings)...feels like I have spent my life trying to be heard

OP, do you let things build up and then explode?

I used to be a bit like you describe, I would feel that people were not listening to me and I would get The Rage. I eventually realised that I was not really communucating effectively. I was sort of expecting other people to read my mind and then getting angry when they didn't, but I hadn't realised I was doing this.

It is connected with self esteem, and the best way to remedy it is with counselling/therapy.

Irianofway OMG I have just read that link and I am gutted. That list is pretty much me. How the fuck has this crept up on me HOW? HOW?

I'm so so sorry. I have tried so hard so so hard to look at myself and to stay calm be calm but what a monster...what a fucking monster

It's like my partner is paying for all the shit I have been through...it's like he is getting/hearing all the things I wish I had said when other people in the past have hurt me or abused me...I need to leave him really don't I?

I am so glad you posted this now heart. I have been obessesing about this subject for weeks now.

Weird thing is if you asked our children who was the most angry parent, the least tolerant, it would be DH. I am the one they run to with a problem, the one who will most often give comfort and absolution. Ditto people outside the family. Everyone tends to like me and think I am really 'nice'. And I will go out of my way to be so. But I am not good at dealing with the things that annoy me and I allow people to put upon me. It all gets bottled up and alllowed to ferment. Hence the blow ups.

The article I linked to talks about compassion - for yourself and others. I have learned to feel that a lot more since H's affair - reconciling after that requires bucket loads of compassion. I just haven't wasted any on myself. So I guess the big bad bitch monster shows her ugly face again.