Lots to take in. Will try and respond answer.
I want to be treated how I treat others (minus the OTT tantrums 
). That could be where my some of my frustration comes from. I really do put myself out there for others. Not because I want to be a martyr but because I really think/hope what you put out there you get back. Like extreme paying it forwards!
To help him and me I tell him to set reminders in his phone for important dates. I have bought him diaries and wall planners and nothing works. I think the reason I keep nagging him or end up doing these things is because not doing them is a reflection on both of us not just him...so I am almost protecting myself? This obviously isn't working as he almost has an expectation that I will do these things...
His language is very telling..."baby where is...baby did you...have you...you have forgotten....you didn't remind me....why didn't you...." My usual response..."I am not your PA, mother, social secretary etc etc etc"
Our communication is rubbish...I have in the past tried the 'who holds the stick has the floor' type thing so each of us can talk in turn without being interrupted. It did work even if initially we giggled which helped to diffused the tension as well.
I think I am articulate and good at explaining my feelings...when I do however he thinks I am over analysing and 'sweating the small stuff'
If he is quiet or stressed and withdrawn I will ask if he is ok, what is going on with him, is there anything he wants to talk about etc. The usual gripes are about his job (he hates it) money (never enough for what he wants or wants to do) or tired.
He never addresses the big issues in our lives...not had children (he only discusses in response to my upset) fostering/adoption/IVF...his response is always "well what do YOU want...What do YOU want to do....It's up to YOU...I'll do whatever YOU want to do baby"...I want to hear what he wants...I want him to show and talk about how much he wants children as much as I do...which he does...but it's just one of the many things he expects me to sort out and take the lead on!
Yes I am a people-fixer and yes it has taken a massive toll on me...I'm emotionally knackered.