Bitch radar has homed in on me!

[Heartofgoldheadofcabbage]

I am a bitch...really...and the way I am reacting to my fiancé is on the borders of being emotionally abusive.

I can blame it on my past and how I have been treated, I can blame it on hating myself and pushing him away and testing him to see if he will hurt me.

But the bottom lime is I have become/am becoming the very thing that people on MN are warned about...

My so called self awareness and self analysis has flagged me up...

I am devastated!

Irian I think it was this bit that made me feel you're not taking this seriously enough,

I have managed to get better at toning it down since the children can along... I have let rip at three people I love in the last fortnight. They 'deserved' it in a way"

I know that I'm totally projecting here and what you've written, let alone how I've interpreted it, will paint an accurate picture.

On the other hand, your partner sounds like my mother. I cannot interact with her much, as she refuses to take responsibility for anything, and I need to keep strong boundaries with her. If I had to talk to her on a day to day basis I would probably end up NC with her. Is your partner passive-aggressive?

Im baby-sleep-deprived so this could be waaaay offbeam! Do say so if it is =)

A work that came to my mind somehow when I was reading you post was powerless. Is it that somehow you feel unlistened to and powerless in yoruself? The overreaction and shouting sounds like it could come from frustration that is triggered very easily and that is often allied with a sense of powerlessness I reckon.

The examples you quoted don't sound bad at all tbh but a lot of this stuff is in context.

I also think you need to stop doing things for him that he can do for himself like family cards. They're his responsibility not yours. I'd be resentful if I had to do all that for other half (well I was resentful and stopped doing it!) Does he help in hte house at all? if you're hte one doing everything - house, finance, work - then he's being very lazy and no wonder you'd be pissed off.

But he's not parroting you, he's responding to what you say. He says: "I just don't know what to say". I suspect because whatever he says, you're going to be angry with him, or at least that's what he's learned. What do you want him to say? It's unreasonable to expect him to be psychic, and it's very telling that you say he doesn't listen to you, when you're clearly not listening to him.

If someone tells you they are in pain, it's not helpful or constructive to respond with "So? I was last week." You're telling him his pain doesn't count, compared to the star or the show, you? You don't care that he's in pain? How about reading up on constructive ways to argue, and active listening. A few starting points: Constructive argument tipsActive listening

"Some people actually like to argue because it gives them a temporary feeling of power and gratification. Avoid being sucked into their need for attention." Sound like you? www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-tools-avoid-ugly-arguments

Though you say that 70% of the time things are good, studies have shown that if you argue more than 20% of the time then the relationship is unlikely to have a future.

Being frustrated, feeling powerless, getting overwhelmed by always having to be the one "in charge" - all of these are normal parts of life and not something you have to accept.

The problem, in my opinion, is your way of dealing with these.

vivacia - I can see how it could be interpreted that way. I apologise sincerely if you thought I was being casual. I am not.

I rang my mum one evening last week just to chat and to make arrangements to see them the next day. She spent 10 minutes accusing my youngest child of breaking something in their garden and covering it up. She had no evidence at all and TBH he isn't good at sneaky - he is mildly autistic and it wouldn't occur to him to lie. But she went on an on and on and was being really quite unkind. I simplly told her I had had enough of the conversation and I put the phone down. Doesn't sound too bad but it would have left her really upset and I knew that.

Sunday I took the youngest children out for the day. H was tired so stayed home. I got home at just before 6 to find H missing. He was in the pub - no problem with him being there (he often goes for a drink) but there is a problem when he rolls home drunk at 8pm. I rang him and got cross. When he got home I get ever crosser. I think it's unnacceptable behaviour in a married man with three kids. However there are ways to deal with it and mine wasn't a good one.

Tuesday my 17 yr old had agreed to stay home and look after ds2 while H and I were at work. DD is perfectly capable fo keeping an eye on him but she and he don't get on so it's nicer to DS1 to be there with DS2 as he idolizes his brother. He went to a friend's house about 9pm on monday evening and didn't come home until I called him at 10am and ranted down the phone at him. Again his behaviout was selfish but he is only 17 and I shouldn't have dealt with it like that.

It is not like me at all and I don't like the person that I am when I do this.

Right...had a weep and some of these responses sting a bit but I will not run I need to find a plan of action. And I appreciate all of the opinions.

Please bare/bear with me while I try to respond to the posts. It may be a bit scattered.

Yes I do feel powerless and unheard and invisible.
I am a fixer, a people please and the 'go to in a crisis' person. Yet when I am struggling/falling apart I am on my own...because, don't be silly...Heart doesn't fall apart!

I have been told I should ask for help when I am upset or struggling but I don't like to bother people. When I have reached out in the past the support has been non-existent or lacking.

I am popular, well liked and when I'm not being a ranting bitch very loving, supportive, caring.

Yes they are poor examples of the parroting. It's hard to get it across in the written word.

I hate arguing and the feeling of loosing control. I actually feel physically ill and get very upset on the come down.

Fiancé is not passive aggressive however when I try to talk to him it's like he turns into 'Kevin the Teenager'....that's where the parroting kicks in...and the poor attempts at humor.

With my fiancé, he is never wrong, rarely says sorry, his response to pretty much everything starts with "yeah but....". He does loads around the house (housework, washing, garden, maintenance) I tend to do the cooking and manage the finances, bills. I would say we are balanced on this....however....having to constantly remind him of some things does drive me batshit crazy!

We both work, in jobs neither of us likes but we are lucky to both be working right?

No kids...can have them...or it hasn't happened. Loads of resentment around this.

..we are good/great 70% of the time
when you start thinking in percentages, there's a problem.
I've read your posts, but not all of the responses OP.

Couple of questions:
Are you like this with anyone else?
Have you been like this with other partners?
Are you taking any new medication?

An observation. He doesn't listen and seems to blank you when you speak to him. He says he doesn't know what to say. Well maybe, but most of us in that position would say I'm lost for words, or I don't know how to help you, or something other than inert silence. Silence solves nothing and can be enormously frustrating to deal with.

Another observation. He didn't seem to notice that you'd been ill, even though you were clearly upset, in tears and had been sent for tests. Does he often ignore, or dismiss, or forget when you've been extremely upset? Does he care about your wellbeing, on the whole?

I have been told I should ask for help when I am upset or struggling but I don't like to bother people.

This is familiar stuff for me too, but I'd ask the question, "how's that working out for you?".

X post. So he's never wrong and rarely apologises. That's not good.
He doesn't sound as much of a softy as you say he is.

I was going to ask if you felt invisible sometimes. I think I would in your position. It wouldn't bode well for the future of the relationship.

Bird not like this with anyone else. I get frustrated at work and will 'moan' but not kick off. I will sometime go off to the loo's and cry from frustration, pull myself together, then go back to work.

Not been line this with previous partners.No1 abusive drunk who eventually dumped me for someone else. No2 OCD mummy's boy who I tried and failed to fix.

Recently sent for blood tests for thyroid, menopause, anaemia, due to irregular periods, mood swings, depression, breathlessness weight gain exhaustion. All clear however extremely anaemic. On high dose of iron. Recently started taking starflower as I heard this May help with mood swings.

Yes I am met with complete silence. I have said I would rather he just said " I don't know what to say" or " I hear you is there anything I can do" but I get nothing....silence.

Yes to everything in your last paragraph. Although i know he does care about my well bing and me and I know and believe he loves me...but it's like the thought of me not being the perfect invincible person he thinks I am doesn't cross his mind or he can't cope with the thought.

" the thought of me not being the perfect invincible person he thinks I am doesn't cross his mind or he can't cope with the thought."

Yep. I am meant to be superwoman. DH even bought me superwoman knickers once . So not only do you need to be superwomen, your partner relies on you to be as well. It is of course a vicious circle - the more you do they more you are relied on to do.

• Vivacia Thu 07-Aug-14 13:04:23 I have been told I should ask for help when I am upset or struggling but I don't like to bother people.

This is familiar stuff for me too, but I'd ask the question, "how's that working out for you?".*

It's not working for me but as I said above the support I have received has been non-existent or lacking I.e. Pull yourself together/slap on the back/come on Heart...this is not like you...

So is this him you're describing, with the 'pull yourself together' line?

It's not good that he sees you as some perfect person, or you feel as if he does. Do you think he loves the real you, Heartof?

(Irian fwiw, I don't think your responses were unreasonable in those circumstances. There is nothing wrong with challenging those behaviours; and many people would feel angry, or let down.)

Hi I'm finding this interesting as I've been wondering the same about myself. Recently split with DP because computer games took over his life and he would ignore me e.g. Take ages to come for a meal I'd made etc. My strategy was to tell him dinner 5 minutes, remind remind and ask again for him to come and eat then finally lose my temper and shout (no name-calling or abusive language tho).
My son would be there and may also get shouted at. They would only come and sit down once I had lost my temper.

Spoke to ex since. He said he left because I screamed at him. My shouting voice is loud. It doesn't last long. Now I'm wondering if I was emotionally abusive to him, and my DS. I felt ignored. Should I have just left them to it?

You're a people-fixer arent you?

that can ony go on for so long without it taking an enormous toll on you. Most people can't do it after a certain point. Sounds to me like you're reaching that point.

Which believe it or not can be a good thing.

(Irian I agree with wyrdyBird, it would be reasonable to be cross in these situations and your responses sound proportional and not unkind).

Heart I think it sounds to me as though you've realised that your old behaviour just doesn't work for you now, and you need a different strategy. I know it's not immediately helpful, but counselling could help you consider other strategies.

charley it's not good going to be shouting and shouting.

But sometimes people get that way because reasonable calm talking just doesn't work.

From what you've said imo it would have been reasonable for you to decide to split earlier because your partner was living with computer games not with you. Because you waited and didn't cut the situation short, your partner finally got fed up and walked instead. Can't blame him for not wanting to be shouted at but it would have been reasonable for you to pull the plug earlier on ... after flagging up the problem with him and seeing if he would be willing to change, ofc.

Thanks Meerka I did flag it up and asked him to limit it but he wouldn't. Other issues too but don't want to hijack the thread. Is shouting always emotional abuse?

It's not for every family, but the rule in our house is you can raise your voice to get somebody's attention but that's it. So you can shout if they otherwise wouldn't hear you.

Thanks wyrdy and vivacia - but there are ways to challenge that don't involve losing your rag.

I think the difference between shouting and emotional abuse comes when the message has been given but the shouting continues (no matter how briefly) - ie when the shouting is being done to make yourself feel better. I have been so cross in the past that my kids looked scared - this was before I started taking ADs when my PND was very bad.

The fact that someone does something to warrant a strong negative reaction is not reason to alarm them with my anger. However I think H has borne the brunt of my outbursts - because he's the grown-up and I look to him to be my support. TBH I think things were worse in the past because I wasn't able to walk away from things that upset me and not to sweat the small stuff. Now I can. I look back over the many years we have been together and I see myself as a big angry black cloud - I don't thnik anyone else would see me that way but I can't be sure. And to me very like my mother looked when I was child.

Heart, behaving like a sulky teenager is passive-aggressive.

I think you need to start communicating better. If the thought of you not being invincible doesn't cross his mind, make sure it bloody well does! He will not see you as someone who can't cope for as long as you keep on coping; getting angty with him for not realising how much you are struggling won't help when you are not showing him that you are struggling.

Don't soldier on until you can't take it any more - allow yourself to be human.

If this was the other way around and he was shouting at her no one would suggest she examine her behaviors. Why should he? If she's being irrational etc she needs to stop it (with help/counseling etc). No one would dare suggest a woman was at fault if she was on the receiving end of emotional/mental abuse ffs!

People-fixing is pointless, and generally people-fixers do it because they want to feel special, like they were the only ones able to "fix" the problem/person. So it's actually all about them rather than a selfless act. People need to take responsibility for fixing themselves - which you're on the way to doing, OP, so I take my hat off to you for that. (And I'm sorry if my previous post came across as rather terse.)

I don't think your DP sounds like he's compatible for you. The Kevin the Teenager stuff is passive aggressive, and certainly not mature. Blatantly stealing this from Baggage Reclaim - but:

"Have low self esteem —> Attach yourself to someone who will need to make you the exception to their track record of not being a good relationship partner —> Invest yourself in this limited relationship and attempt to get a return on investment —> Hope that if you eventually get him to change and see you in the way that you want to be seen and valued that this will give you an enormous boost, and make you a valuable, validated person = value inflated."

Except if you're not getting him to change, that's not validating you, and instead is feeding your feelings of unhappiness. "If you loved me you'd change" is implied in your reply of "that's not enough" to his "but I love you". But you seem to be setting him up to fail. Can I ask, did he ask you explicitly to take on responsibility for family birthday cards etc, or are you playing the martyr card by taking it on, unasked? (If he did ask you, and you agreed, then why did you agree?) Maybe your frustration is more about a perception that your inability to change him reflects badly on you, as much as his inability to change.

What would happen if you just stopped "enabling" him and picking up that slack? What would be the consequences of that for you, vs the consequences for him? Maybe he needs to experience the consequences of forgotten birthdays etc in order to learn? Maybe he genuinely doesn't think those things are important.

Back to Baggage Reclaim: "If you value acceptance, you can’t not accept who you are as a person, or engage in repeatedly letting your partner know your dissatisfaction and making it clear that you don’t accept them because you want them to change…while at the same time wondering why they don’t accept you as you are."

"...Ask yourself: What are my values? Then look at your relationships and see if they match up, and if they don’t, ask yourself why they don’t, and you start to have the answer to why your relationships are not working."

DrPepper, I can't speak for anyone else, but when I asked about passive-aggressive behaviour I was trying to understand the relationship dynamics, not excuse anything.

Nonetheless, I think you're wrong. If a man, without prompting, came here to ask for advice about what they could do as they suspected that they may be behaving abusively, I think that the response would be similar. I am often shocked by the double standards on MN, but Relationships threads tend to be less problematic in this respect than other sections.