please help

[TheEndOfTheWorldAsIKnowIt]

Just found out my partner of 14 years is cheating on me and I don't know what to do. He is sending is ex saucy messages arranging to meet up for sex tomorrow.
What do I do??'

We have had a good talk. He says nothing physical happened between them and the messages were a one off that he knows he shouldn't have done. I have also spoken to her and she has apologized and said nothing had happened and never would have she just got carried away which she feels awful about.
I have told him I need some space. I do believe that nothing physical happened but I feel betrayed emotionally and I don't know if I can get over that. Especially when I am feeling fragile anyway.
I still love him so much and want our family to stay together but if I can't forget what I read I am not sure this can work.
I have told him that by doing what he did rather than telling me he was unhappy and felt like I wasnt giving him much attention (which to be fair is true but it works both ways) he has destroyed a part.of my trust in him that I am not sure can be repaired.

I don't know whether anything physical happened between them or not (and neither do you). Neither of them are going to admit to anymore than you can prove - that much I do know. In some ways, it doesn't actually matter anyway. He's betrayed you whether than was 'just' emotionally or emotionally and physically and frankly - the emotional betrayal is actually worse than the physical.

I actually think it's worse that he is saying he did it because he knew you were 'snooping' - it was intended to hurt you, it wasn't that he just got caught up in the moment and did something stupid - he did it knowing it would hurt you. I'm not sure I would be willing to even try to get past that tbh.

I know you want your family to stay together, but this is about his actions not yours. It's not you who would be splitting it up, it would be him. He did it, not you. You want what you thought you had - the question is, do you want what you actually have? A partner you aren't sure you can trust.

I actually feel in physical pain. I have never felt like this before is it usual to feel like this?
Just about keeping it together for the children.

Yes, really normal :( I felt like a donkey had been kicking me & had then sat on me.

Personally, I don't know anyone who 'rebuilt' the marriage that thinks it was worth the heartache of doing it. Most have separated further down the line and the ones who have stayed together are 'kind of ok' but wouldn't put themselves through 'rebuilding' a relationship again. You can never 'go back' you can only start again and rebuild. But you can't even do that until he tells you everything and is prepared to be 100% honest - which I don't think he is.

You can't do this on your own.

I don't know if I can do this at all

Did you get any sleep last night?

I can't live with a man who thinks so little of me, I don't want my children thinking this is normal in a relationship. One person feels down, not being shown enough attention so they sex text their ex???

I think you know what you need to do, you just (understandably) don't want to do it. The thing is, you can choose to stay with him and live with the anxiety of 'what is he up to' or you can split up with him, go through the pain of that then actually get on with living your life, free of this god awful feeling. There isn't an option of not knowing :(

Don't rush into anything.

Yes physical pain in this situation is very normal.
It literally hurts! Like your heart is totally broken and won't ever be fixed.
It will be fixed by the way but it will take time.

Ask him to step away from the relationship for a while to give you some head space.
Is this possible? Would he do it for you?

Once trust is broken it can take a long time to repair.
Can you go to counselling together or separately?
If you want to try then he will need to put a lot of effort into fixing this.

In the meantime you need to look after yourself.
Can you tell a friend in real life. Get some cuddles and reassurance?
Keep your sugar levels up. Sugary tea, soup and ice lollies.
I couldn't keep anything solid down so this helped me.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
But you will come out of it the other side, better and stronger!
For now though, 1 minute at a time, then 1 hour, then 1 day then 1 week etc........
for you.

So we had another talk last night /that turned into a row) he will not say sorry or explain why he did what he did, just keeps going back to 'you kept checking on my facebook so I thought I'd give you something to see' as if me checking his facebook is worse than arranging to meet your ex for sex...
Who is this man?? I don't even recognize him as the person I have spent 14 years with.

Don't waste another day on him.
He thinks very little of you and obviously has zero respect regardless if he was going to follow through on the messages, personally l do think he would have followed through but somehow realised you had sussed him out.
He is an arse.

Im sorry op, but what he said to you, "you were snooping so i ...,", makes him a really really nasty piece of work. Any normal person would have just talked to you instead.

Still no progress. Everytime I try and talk I either seize up and cant get the words out, cry or get angry.
Im hhaving panic attacks, camy eat or sleep.
I have written everything down would it be a bad idea to give it to him so he knows how bad I feel?

I don't believe he cares how bad you feel.
He must be able to SEE how bad you feel and he's still doing nothing to help the situation at all.
You REALLY need to ask him to leave the house for a while.
You need some headspace away from him.
You won't get your thoughts clear until he isn't in your space anymore.
For your own sanity, get him away for a while and have a good think about things.
I'm sorry it's still shit and he's still a wanker.

I know. I think he can see how I am feeling to some extent but I have got very good at hiding my feelings. He is trying to be nice to me but I am hurting too much to let him in. I feel for my sanity I want him to know exactly what he has done to me.
I am scared to be on my own with the children. Not long term but just at the moment I don't feel safe to be in sole charge of them how pathetic is that???

It's certainly not pathetic.
You are going through a lot of turmoil right now.
If you can't be alone with DC then don't be.
Do what you need to do to get through this.
We all handle things differently.
There is no right or wrong way.