please help

[TheEndOfTheWorldAsIKnowIt]

Just found out my partner of 14 years is cheating on me and I don't know what to do. He is sending is ex saucy messages arranging to meet up for sex tomorrow.
What do I do??'

Don't put yourself through going to bed next to him.

Either much his fucking arse out now, or 'accidentally' fall asleep on the sofa tonight.

I'd go for booting him out right now, but it's up to you.

And you face your babies like the strong woman you are, it's him that's blown your family apart, not you.

I'm so sorry, what a bastard.

Yep, I'm with Liberal don't go lie beside him, It will make it worse (and he doesn't deserve to have you lying next to him)

You ok love?

yes I think curl up on the sofa.

How are you holding up this morning? Manage to get much sleep? Just popping in to say good luck whatever happens today and I will be thinking of you

I'm so sorry he's done this. But just to make it clear this isn't a judgement on you, this is because he is an arse. You've done nothing wrong, he's a cheat. Please don't beat yourself up for this.

He has done this to you and your dcs, him, not you. He has split up your family, not you.

Hope you're ok.

Just to let you know I'm thinking of you today. Remember whatever happened is in no way your fault. HE has chosen to behave this way. Take care.

This is not about you, please don't think it is. He is the one who has let your children down, not you. You can't keep a 'family together' when one person checks out of the relationship :(

It has been a while since you posted, so not sure what you have done in the meantime but ...

The dignified response would be to just calmly say 'I know and there is nothing you can say that will change how I feel about you now, so pack yourself a bag and leave. We can sort childcare arrangements & payments out later. There is no going back from this for us as a couple.' and do not let him see you cry or beg for him to stay.

What I would do, however, would be wait until he goes out, pack him a bag and take it around to hers ^ say what's up there and tell her she's welcome to the cheating bastard. If either of them say 'We haven't done anything/it means nothing' tell them it's not important, the fact that he's arranged it is all that matters and that he's a lying, cheating bastard and that's the end of your relationship.

There isn't any going back from this, no matter what he says, that doesn't just prolong the misery for you, make your despression worse and end like this anyway, really there isn't. Try to take it from those of us who have 'been there, done that' and completely fucked it up by 'trying again' and putting ourselves through hell - all for nothing.

Stay strong and remember this is about HIM being a fuckup, not you x

You alright op?

Hi sorry I went and got into bed with dd. Didn't sleep much but hearing her sleepy breathing helped me remember to breath. And kept me away from the bottle of vodka I was thinking of drinking.
I know he didn't sleep much last night because I could hear him so not sure if he knows I know but I am going to see if he goes today then will either go round whilst he is there or be ready for him.
There is no going back I cannot even consider that, I always thought I might but now it is happening I know that isn't going to work. I feel eerily calm not sure if that's a good or bad thing?

Thank you for your support, thinking about it helped me get through last night.
Supposed to be having two friends and their dc round today. Don't think I can face it.

You do need friends around, but possibly not their dc. Is there anyone in RL you can talk to? Don't feel you have to keep his secret, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. He is the bad guy here, not you. Make sure you have support.

Yes I've got my sister and a close friend but they both have children and my dc are here. Why did this have to happen over the holidays when the older dc are here. God I feel sick

So so sorry you are going through this.
It's a good idea to 'catch them at it'
Call your sister and get her round to support you.
Has he gone to work?
Does he work?
This must be hell for you.
Try your very best to look after yourself.
You won't be able to eat but please keep yourself hydrated and your sugar levels up. Sugary tea, ice lollies etc...
Catch him and then kick is slimey, cheating arse out of your house.

This is NOT you. He is doing this to you and your family.
Do NOT for one second thing you aren't good enough.
HE is not good enough.

for you!

I think you need to stay cool and give yourself time to deal with the shock (your body must be feeling wobbly with all that adrenaline and lack of sleep).

If it were me, I wouldn't say a word. Plan, plan and plan. Steely, cool determination.

Yes, get your sister round, the kids can keep each other occupied while you think, and talk it through.

What time is he supposed to be meeting her?

Everyone's right, cool calm and calculated is the way to go I'd go fucking medieval on the pair of them

Wishing you all the strength there is.

Wishing you every strength in the world to get through today.

Also sending strength your way. So sorry you are going through this.

Blimey - I have nothing useful to add. So sorry you are going through this. Keep drinking tea, smoothies - anything you can face.

Thank you. He is at home. Has been working from home this week so he could spend some time with us before we go away (or arrange to meet his ex for sex!!!)
They said either 9am or later this afternoon. Think he knows I've seen the messages because he has changed his password.

Thank you. He is at home. Has been working from home this week so he could spend some time with us before we go away (or arrange to meet his ex for sex!!!)
They said either 9am or later this afternoon. Think he knows I've seen the messages because he has changed his password.

I can't even keep water down

Oh, TheEnd :(

If there're three of you, could your friend watch all the dcs whilst you go for a walk with dsis and get some support?

You've got the screenshots, you know this happened.

Do you think he can tell something is up?

Is your internet use safe and private?

What time is he meeting her tomorrow? So this large amount of shared money is in your savings account? If that's the case, then you don't need to worry so much about finances anyway. Presumably you know how much he contributed, and hopefully have e-mails or something which could back you up. So you know how much you would need to return to him.

Here's what I would do:

• Book a 30 minute consultation with a lawyer for later today or first thing tomorrow.
• Print off their conversation and put it in an envelope inside your bag, or somewhere he won't see it
• Arrange for someone to take the children tomorrow for the day and maybe the night if possible.

Tomorrow:

• Take the kids to whoever is looking after them. Even a babysitter somewhere outside the home is fine.

• Go to speak to the lawyer and explain your finances, your respective roles with the children, etc and listen to his advice.

• Go home (when you know he will be out) and pack a bag for your partner. Put a note in it with some choice words about him being a lying, cheating cunt and not to bother coming back to the house without giving you advance notice so you can arrange for someone else to be there.

• Drive to his ex's house, post the envelope with their conversation through the door, Put the bag outside the front door, then ring the doorbell a few times and leave.

• Go home and lock all the doors, bolt from the inside if possible, and call someone you trust (a parent?) and ask them to come over.

• Cry, have a bath, smoke, smash things...just take some time to vent and feel like shit.

• Then look in the mirror, tell yourself you are worth so SO much more, sort yourself out, then go to pick up the kids, or wait for your friend/parent to turn up.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. This is NOT your fault. Your husband is a lying, cheating scumbag.