New relationship - issues with ex wife and DD

[LovelyPolish]

I have recently started seeing a wonderful man who has been flirting with me for around 6 months. He is Polish and I am aware that there are some cultural differences at play. I don't have any issues but I do want to be supportive and in the right way.

His ex left him for someone he worked with around 3 years ago and he seemed to have been under the impression the relationship would fizzle and she would come back. However this hasn't happened and his relationship with his DD has suffered. He was accused of hitting his ex wife just the once on the night she said she was leaving (after she told him the affair had been going on for months and she was moving out), and he has always denied this happened. There was never any other accusation of DV in the 14 years they were together and she had no bruise or marks to show anyone to back up her claim.

I am a little concerned over this, but he has been open about it and I have no reason to not believe him and am proceeding with awareness and caution.

However he does still tie himself up in knots about what they are up to. Any time he hears something bad has happened to his ex he will go on about karma and he worries she is not looking after his DD in the Polish way - not as strict as she used to be. I tried to say now that DD is older perhaps she has to have this freedom, but the fact we usually end up talking about them is worrying me. I know he misses his DD and have suggested he text/call her more often. I really want him to be happy and move on but don't want to rush this process and want to be supportive. Can anyone advise?

Far too many red flags here!

At least 2 episodes of REPORTED DV and he minimises them plus you are minimising them...you don't need bruises to suffer from DV you know.
He's still waiting for his ex to come back.
His relationship with his daughter is damaged due to HIS behaviour about his relationship breakdown.
He is still, over 3 years later, fixated on what his ex is doing and spends all his time talking about them to you.
You are having to encourage him to even text his daughter......to me that shows he doesn't actually give a shit about parenting or his daughter but is seeing it from a controlling point of view.

He sounds like a controlling prick!! RUN AWAY!

I agree, red flags galore on this one OP, sorry. I would run for the hills!

Hi op

I'm sorry I'm sure your not naive but to be honest it's written all over your post.

He sounds controlling and is punishing his daughter for the supposed sins of the mother. Anyone who trashed their ex to someone they barely know is not a good bet for a partner.

You have one side of the story, I expect he is showing some controlling behaviour to you that you might be interpreting as over protective or being hurt by his ex.

No, sorry - only the one apparent DV episode not 2!
He does seem still hurt by what she did as he had no idea and felt everyone was laughing at him in their community.
Interesting though as I did wonder if he was controlling or if this was just a more Polish trait in their menfolk. His relationship with her has suffered but he thinks it is because he speaks to her in Polish and the mother is 'poisoning her mind perhaps'-I think it is just normal teen girl behaviour.
He hasn't been particularly controlling with me. He has jumped in fairly fast telling me he loves me, which I haven't said back. He has offered to do all sorts of things for my house but he is a self confessed workaholic, so this constant work all seemed normal. He seems to have very low self confidence as his ex never complimented him. I didn't see that as a controlling type?

I feel I should say the ex refuses to let him take their DD camping or abroad so he can't plan any time with her aloe. Ex doesn't tell him when they are going on holiday or when they will be back. She has taken away their DD's mobile phone which he gave DD so they could talk as punishment when DD called her nasty names - which punishes him and DD as they can't talk. She also changed the contact times around at Xmas on the day he was supposed to drop his DD back and suddenly said she would be able to stay with him for Christmas Day after all (obv all presents had been given and he hadn't planned for that). It is hard as I can see both sides and feel that he is hung up on how his daughter is being brought up because he has less involvement - which is understandable but part of having a teen and part of the fact she doesn't always have access to calling him.

Premature declarations of love are a red flag and a way of drawing you in. Offering to do stuff on your home you have not asked for is intrusive and making himself involved in your domestic life way too fast.

All of the access and contact problems could be dealt with by gaining a court order. He does not even need to engage with the ex-wife, he can get a solicitor to deal with it. He certainly does not need to tell you all the details, when you are starting out on your relationship - bad-mouthing the ex is another red flag, especially if nothing is ever his fault. If he and the ex can't sort it out, they need legal support. You should not be drawn into their dramas. Do you really want to live with all that?

That is not even getting to the DV allegations.

Run like the wind!

Run run run

I'd be wary, especially based on the stuff about the ex not bringing up the way HE sees fit. And at the same time he needs to be encouraged by you to contact the dd.

I just wouldn't want to be around someone who is full of anger and grievance.

the ex not bringing up the dd, that should say.

I would not welcome someone volunteering so much information about a past relationship when you've been together for such a short time. That has nothing to do with you and there's nothing you can do about it anyway.

Why is it so important for him to over-share all of this with you? To try to put himself in the best possible light when the actual truth is a great deal darker, I would say. And that's not even taking into account the admitted violence against her.

Run. Run as fast as you can.

No, he says he didn't hit her or anything - it was just her trying to make him out as the bad guy when she had been having the affair and was about to move out...the community sided with her and he thinks this was a deliberate plan on her behalf. I have already marked that up as a big red flag, and perhaps because he is seemingly going fast I thought to post here. I am aware I am only getting one side of the story and have a habit of thinking the worst.

My feeling was that he misses his daughter and is just feeling left out and sidelined, partly because of the ex and partly because she is a teen and just doesn't have much time for him. He wants to see her more regularly and have an agreed contract but he knows if ex won't stick to it then he will be doing it all in vain. I have female friends who have gone down the court route and still their exes don't show and there is nothing to enforce it. I don't really worry about him talking about it to me as he obviously wants to work something out that is good for all of us. I suppose it is that he still hasn't let go completely of what the ex is doing and the karma comment that bothers me. But then is it possible after 14yrs of marriage just to brush it all off?

Thing is I suppose that I have a lot of respect for how hard he works, the fact he actually does what he says when he says he will, he is thoughtful and complementary and kind. I don't think I have had an ex who does half of this (possibly a bad run admittedly) but even friends partners/husbands don't seem to be a patch. I have said I am happy to meet his daughter and hopefully I will in the future and he is happy for this to happen.

I do understand partly how he is coming across as I have only written what worries me, which is obviously not the whole picture. However I don't feel under threat or pressure or anything negative at the moment, other than I want to help him get over these hard feelings for his ex and move on with a better and more frequent relationship with his daughter.

It may be that how he is has forced his ex's hand about contact with the daughter. Of course he's going to say that he didn't hit her, he's not going to admit it to his new girlfriend who he wants sympathy from. The are massive warnings all over this behaviour. Run, because otherwise he'll start controlling you. Finish it asap, as the longer you leave it, the worse his behaviour will be when you do finish it.

But why bring it up at all if it wasn't a non-issue? He didn't have to tell me she had accused him of it and I would be none the wiser.

I am listening to you all though as it is a new relationship and I am wary of men in general so hardly naive.

Any pointers on what he might start to control? I did ask him to do work on the house which is how we got to know each other so these things he has offered all need to be done, just now he isn't charging for them.

He's given you his side before you hear it from anyone else. He may ask that you don't go out, as he misses you too much. You're so gorgeous that he's scared of losing you, please don't wear that, other men might look at you. It'll all be because he loves you sooooooooo much, you see, rather than he wants to control you. You'll end up owing him for the work he's done, as he did it FOR you and don't you forget it. This is how my abusive relationship was. Yours may be different, but the script is normally similar.

I realise from your posts that you are justifying all of this.
You won't listen to anyone so not sure why you posted.
But... just in case you do take note:-

RUN FOR THE HILLS
THEY ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

OK, thank you for sharing that. He is so very full of compliments that I was a bit - not that I am not worthy of them, but they are so heartfelt. Lots of flowers and messages too which is to show he is always thinking of me. Says he checks his phone for messages from me and his heart flips when there is one. Seemed a bit soppy for a man but then quite a refreshing change. I don't want to read ominous things into it and am aware I can be negative so trying to be positive this time.
If he starts on what I am wearing I will be off as I had an ex who wouldn't let me buy any new clothes - had to be from charity shops (with my own money!) and said he didn't trust other men around me if I wore something deemed too sexy...so I know that one well.

Oh yeah, if he starts texting you 3 million times a day and wanting to know where you are, there's another. I'd be off now. You're obviously not sure about him as you wouldn't have posted otherwise. You're seeing what we're seeing, you're just not accepting it. This man will not make you happy.

I am listening and interested but obviously I don't feel any fear or worry around him and have no reason to RUN, but it is interesting so many people see him in the wrong purely based on an accusation from a cheating partner - if the partner was a man and this was a woman I can't help feeling it may be different advice.

I do know I am getting one side and am analysing what he is giving to me closely specifically to check if there is anything I should worry about. More so since he said about the apparent DV of course. I didn't post to get advice on leaving him but how to help him feel settled again as he seems to stew on what went wrong and has such low self confidence. I know it isn't my job to patch him up but I want to be good for him as he seems to be good for me.

To be fair, if this was a normal, new relationship, he'd be so into you that he wouldn't give a shit what his ex was up to.

The DV allegation is just that, an allegation made by an ex, it may be true it may not. It's something I would be weary of, but of it's own not enough.

My biggest concern for you is that your radar is voicing a concern, instinct is there for a reason, so listen to it. If it's giving you doubts, then they are for a reason. Analyse what your concerns are, and if it is his situation with his ex and his DD and seeming unwillingness to move on, that looks at being more of a red flag than anything else.

You have to decide whether that is an issue you don't want to have to deal with, if so move on, if not don't.

I don't think any of us were basing our 'RUN' posts on the DV incident.
Sure it's part of it but not the basis.
Many have pointed out other issues but you aren't seeing them.
In fact you are just adding to them with each post!

He is pretty into me, I can tell that. And in a way I am pleased he seems upset not to be more involved in his daughter's life - he seems to be a caring dad. If he hadn't mentioned her or skimmed over how he and his ex had split I would be more concerned.

As I said I have a history of being a bit negative with men, which is possibly why my radar goes off. But I am keeping an open mind on that score.
He wants to take me to Poland to meet his family in a month or two, which is daunting but perhaps because I am wary of men in general and aware of how meeting his parents will look to them and everyone else - it's the same feeling as the quick to say he loves me. I suppose I wondered if this was a Polish 'thing' or something as they can be quite traditional with things. Or am I putting too much on the Polish factor?

You're putting too much on the Polish factor.

He seems more interested in his ex than his relationship with you. You've only been seeing him a short while and you are already trying to fathom out his life, not your job OP.