New relationship - issues with ex wife and DD

[LovelyPolish]

I have recently started seeing a wonderful man who has been flirting with me for around 6 months. He is Polish and I am aware that there are some cultural differences at play. I don't have any issues but I do want to be supportive and in the right way.

His ex left him for someone he worked with around 3 years ago and he seemed to have been under the impression the relationship would fizzle and she would come back. However this hasn't happened and his relationship with his DD has suffered. He was accused of hitting his ex wife just the once on the night she said she was leaving (after she told him the affair had been going on for months and she was moving out), and he has always denied this happened. There was never any other accusation of DV in the 14 years they were together and she had no bruise or marks to show anyone to back up her claim.

I am a little concerned over this, but he has been open about it and I have no reason to not believe him and am proceeding with awareness and caution.

However he does still tie himself up in knots about what they are up to. Any time he hears something bad has happened to his ex he will go on about karma and he worries she is not looking after his DD in the Polish way - not as strict as she used to be. I tried to say now that DD is older perhaps she has to have this freedom, but the fact we usually end up talking about them is worrying me. I know he misses his DD and have suggested he text/call her more often. I really want him to be happy and move on but don't want to rush this process and want to be supportive. Can anyone advise?

I don't feel I'm at a worrying stage. I'm independent and don't really need a man. He knows this and I've been clear. He doesn't need me to stay in the country or anything and at the moment we are just having fun. We talk for ages and he makes me laugh and is handy about the place. I don't want to feel I have to be the centre of his universe but I like the fact we work well as a team. It is early and if any part of me feels I am changing or scared or anything I won't hesitate to wave goodbye. He is aware of this.

You've been going out less than 3 weeks??

You say you have only been seeing each other for two weeks yet he stays at your place for half the week (eh?)

And if it's such early days how do you know so much about the shenanigans with the ex? You don't need to be involved in it all - the maintenance, the daughter's mobile, the family stuff,

And that comment about him being accused of domestic violence 'only the once' ? You should seriously run a mile. Whether it's true or not, it is all so complicated and dramatic.

No, the point is not that he has now spoken to his DD and all is well; it is that he has told you all this negative stuff about his ex-wife and drawn you in, to the extent that you want to help him get over things for the sake of his DD or however you phrased it, and presumably believe all of what he has said. Job done.

He has, after less than three weeks, got himself into your bed and home half the week, and made himself handy about the house. He wants to take you to meet the parents.

Honestly, after less than three weeks, you have no idea if you work well as a team, there have been no significant challenges. You actually hardly know him. He is weaving you a fantasy, with probably the best sex you have ever had thrown in (part of the script), but you don't really, actually know him.

Polish men are (generalising) all chivalrous and will kiss your hand (bleurgj), pay you compliments, give flowers. But in return you need to run rings around them. Cook and clean, etc. very traditional.

I agree with the consensus here.

What do you mean he hadn't planned for Xmas Day OP? Hadnt he bought his DD any presents or was it something else?

He stays with me three nights a week, so nearly half the week. We have been flirting for 6 months though and I felt I knew him well enough after that. Obviously not well enough for a whole life together which is still not a definite or even close, but I can't seem to get the idea across that AT THE MOMENT I AM HAPPY.

I do understand this could all be a game to him. I have had bad experiences with men in the past and don't intend to repeat them. I have never been out with someone who has an ex and a child or who has previously been married, which is why I was asking for advice here as I wanted to keep everything neutral and not cross lines or anything else that could complicate a new relationship. Of course I want to make my new partner happy - not sure why that seems strange.

I realise I don't know him well and am not planning marriage or babies or him moving in or anything. We are simply dating and having fun. He has a house and a car and a job. I have a house and am very independent. We have no need to complicate things.

As for the cooking and cleaning (shopping, washing, maintenance, bills and DIY as well I might add) - I do this all by myself anyway so I don't think having one extra for dinner, especially if he has offered to do the shopping needed before arriving, is any major bother. He has cooked for me too and is careful to clear up his mess as well. Yes, this may all suddenly stop, however I found this is true for nearly every man I ever met!

We have spent the majority of our time talking. We can be up talking until 2am when he is over and we have a variety of subjects. I have spoken about a couple of my exes and not always in a particularly forgiving manner, and he has done the same. Difference is his ex was an ex wife of 14 years and they have a daughter he still has contact with. As I said before I would have been more worried if he hadn't told me what had happened and I found out about the DV accusation from someone else. Yes this may all be part of the game, or you could say he is trying to be upfront. If he is innocent how could he possibly play this to make it right to you all? He can't win.

I am aware this now probably all sounds textbook 'defending him' or whatever, but really I could walk away if I wanted to, but I don't. I know I can and will in the future if things turn and I find him controlling or any of the other suggestions.

Xmas - he had been told he could have her a couple of days/nights before Xmas but she was going to spend the day itself with her mother. The return day arrives and an hour before she is meant to be dropped off he gets a text saying actually he can keep her, for another 3 days. He had already done his version of Xmas (food and presents etc) and hadn't planned for an extra 3 days.

Oh my god. You are waaaaay too involved in this

Crazy. 2 WEEKS???

"I realise I don't know him well and am not planning marriage or babies or him moving in or anything"

And yet he's already living at yours for half the week.

This is too much, too soon.

2 WEEKS and there is all this already

Is he planning marriage and babies, though?

." He had already done his version of Xmas (food and presents etc) and hadn't planned for an extra 3 days"

Right so what happens if (God forbid) his ex becomes ill then Because that's not planned either.

Will he only spend what he thinks he needs to and no more? I had an ex like that. Wanted to know exactly how much bog roll /pasta /diet coke to buy. Because he didn't want to spend a penny more than he had to.

He tells you how much he'd love to spend more time with his daughter but then sees it as a bad thing that his ex said his dd could stay for an extra 3 days at Christmas?

Do you really not see the contradiction right there?

Christ on a bike! He didn't say he wasn't happy she was staying longer, just that it was hard last minute to deal with as he had made plans and had to bow to a last minute change of mind by his ex NOT to see her daughter for Xmas. Why isn't anyone asking why she did that?
I can't keep coming back as all you will think I am doing is defending him and actually this thread is making me want to do just that! If anything all anyone has shown me here is that you can literally turn anything into an issue if you want to and are never prepared to trust or try to see the best in someone.
I am off to try to be happy. I may well get rid of him sooner, or be back later with a sob story, but there is a slim chance (from the sounds of it ever decreasing) that I might actually be happy.
None of you know and neither do I, but I am willing to try to find out.

Two weeks, OP. Two weeks.

6 months and 2 weeks. Just because we spoke before we began dating doesn't mean much to me. What were we meant to do, flash an ankle here, drop a suggestive wink there?
Anyway, thank you for all of the opinions. I will bear them in mind.

Oh for fuck's sake, OP! You've been dating for a few weeks and you're already talking about fixing him? Run. Run fast!

Flirting is not dating. You've been going out for a few week only and he already wants you to meet his parents? Huge red flag.

Posters on here are not trying to be nasty to you. Many of us have been with abusive men ourselves and recognise the signs.

If you want to help him then back off a little and at the same time encourage him to get some counselling. He needs to talk through his issues with a trained professional. Whilst I never, ever condone DV I have recently witnessed it in my own family when tensions and anger have reached boiling point and someone has lashed out at another after excessive provocation. It doesn't always mean it will happen again.
He needs to sort out his past hurt with his ex or else this resentment may well start to have a huge affect on your relationship with him.
He has a lot of resentment and pain to deal with and he needs to resolve this before he fully commits to a relationship with you.
Everything he told you may well be true but you do only have one side of events and every coin has two sides.
You obviously want to persue this relationship so all I can advise is, proceed with caution. He is a damaged man and I would say, too emotionally raw ATM to start getting too involved with you.