Met the most wonderful man but our worlds are so different...

[zephyrcat]

Can it ever work in that situation? I had a horrendous 13 year 'relationship' with xp which ended in January, and which I posted about recently due to needing an injunction against him. It's currently going through court.

However, in April I started to a guy and we clicked instantly. We talked all day every day over whatsapp messages and finally met in June. Everything is perfect - from both sides. However, my insecure paranoid inner voice is screaming that it'll never work.

He is a couple of years younger than me, has no children, is in a very good job within the NHS, has his own house in a lovely area which he's doing up to sell on and then buy another, cars (several very expensive) is well off and comfortable in his life and himself. He says he has everything but has been miserable for years and just wants someone to share it with - which is apparently me and the kids. His Mum has told him to keep hold of me apparently?!

I met xp at 22 and gave up my career to have my 4 wonderful children. Xp lost us every home we ever lived in, we ended up moving 8 times, in emergency homeless accommodation and now I live in a Housing Association house with kids running riot outside, people shouting and swearing. He worries about coming here and parking outside. The DC are 12, 10, 8 & 6. DS has just been diagnosed with ADD and is being referred for asd and dyspraxia. Our house is loud, messy, and a million miles away from his life. XP has left me in a huge pile of debt, I will never be able to get a mortgage and I have no idea where to begin with kicking off a career.

I'm driving myself insane with the thoughts that as perfect as it is, our lives are too far apart. Am I just being insecure?

Maybe this is now your time to be happy, I think take it slowly and enjoy, you deserve some good luck.

What is it that is stopping you feeling good enough for him?
He might have the 'perfect ' life in terms of stuff & he is telling you it is empty. You have a full life but no stuff. You sound perfect for each other - just ease him into the chaos gently.
I wrote my mum's eulogy last year - she was a sahm - & I realised that the important thing was the mark she left - not how much stuff. Maybe your man wants that.

You only met him 2 months ago. It's good to be wary. Take the time to get to know the person and how you feel around him. Don't rush to slot yourself and your DC into "partner and children" roles just because it sounds idyllic and is what this man says he wants.

It may work out. It may not. You can't know that yet so take your time, and stop to listen to your gut as you see this new person more and find out more about what it's like to be with him.

In all honesty I think it's too soon to tell. April wasn't long ago and although I'd like to assume he isn't shallow etc. does he know about your debts, has he spent much time around the dc, enough to get a taste of the reality if it all?

I do want to be positive here but I would probably echo your thoughts too! He does sound good but stay guarded for now because its early days

What's his relationship history like? It seems a bit pat to say he's been miserable for years and just needed you to come into his life.

Few things are really 'perfect', so I'd just enjoy the relationship and see how things go. You don't really know each other all that well yet. Take your time.

Yes you can't possibly know if it will work out but give it a go.

I have young dc and have met a couple of guys since being on my own. In my experience there is a honeymoon period where you want to see each other all the time. It doesn't seem to matter that your lifestyles are different.

After a few months, when reality hits (eg you are not free to go out and do what couples do like out for a drink when you feel like it) things change. Then you will know if he is the type to stick around.

He sounds nice - but you sound great.
You are enough.
I have no idea if this relationship will work out but I do think/know that you have to start embracing, valuing and loving all that you are.
That begins with recognising what you are, which is always hard, tends to come with the increase of candles on the birthday cake, and is so much harder if you have shared the intimate spaces of your life and mind with someone who has not loved you in a life-enhancing way.
So ... How about I be your mirror?
You have cared for four children, giving the stability and love in challenging times. You are resilient. You have initiative - you've made a home for you all now. You manage to keep on loving - that capacity hasn't curdled. Being loving is an amazing talent: it means an ability to go forward and be in the life of another. It is unimaginably precious. I'd go on about this a big more but I'm on my 'phone and it's a bit arduous typing!
Now, our weird, capitalist world does quite a number on us and tells us stuff is more important than love, being with others happily, nurturing relationships, the ability to nurture, qualities like curiosity and the ability to change and live anew ...
I could go on.
You have those qualities. They are precious. You are a person of beauty and value.
Know what you are and cherish this.
I hope he is worthy of you.

Its really too soon to say. He has no real understanding of what a life is like with children. I would say enjoy the relationship for what it is and take your time. Try not to pin to much hope on to this relationship at the moment and just take it week to week.
As itmustbelove has said. Your are in the early stages where everything seems wonderful and no problem is insurmountable, but day to day life has a habit of kicking you in the arse when you least expect it. Lovely dates have to be cancelled last minute for childcare reasons, kids wake up early so late nights are out of the question on a regular basis.
you are right to be wary as your lifestyles are so different, this doesnt mean its never going to work, but i think you need time for both him and you to see if you can live with those differences long term

I would be very wary of anything that appears perfect, particularly when you only met him in person just over a month ago.

Some people are good at putting up a front of what others want to see.

Equally, even if he is sincere, the reality of life with 4 kids, one of whom has ADD, may not be how he imagines it. He likes the theory, can he cope with the reality?

Of course things can work out whatever your backgrounds are, that is not the most important factor in whether a relationship will work. I was a single mum with a disabled child, in council housing and in debt when I met DH. He appeared to be similar to your DP, very good job, no children, own home, very much sorted on the surface. None of that was a front, he has always been a lovely man, generous to a fault, and we had loads in common.

I totally understand your insecurity because I was the same at first. Society expects relationships to be transactions and you're taught to believe that you don't have enough to offer to match someone like that. But what that doesn't take into account is the personal qualities that your DP values in you, which is worth far more than things like a nice career or house.

I agree with the others who have said that it's very early days. You and your dc have been through a lot and there's no need to rush things - don't try to do that just for the sake of convenience or lack of childcare. DH and I were together for 7 years before we got married, it meant our relationship could build up slowly and we could enjoy a long period of dating, doing adult things, rather than just going straight into family-based activities.

You also haven't been out of your previous relationship for very long, and I think it's always good to have a break between relationships to give yourself time to reflect. I think it's been recommended that you need a month for each year of the relationship. I had a period of being single for about five years before I met DH, it gave me time to think about what I wanted, return to study, and generally be in a better place. So don't be afraid to take a break and say that you need time to focus on yourself.

Have you met him mum and family?

What site did you meet him on? I want one!

Seriously though I wouldn't rush things. Just let it develop and grow naturally. I wouldn't worry about your house or anything else. Just be sure there are no red flags waving!

Enjoy!

13 years which ended in Jan - still going through court - children being diagnosed with additional needs - and you feel you are ready to settle straight down again?

Take your time and there may be a happy ending........rush into shacking up with him and there probably won't be.

I think it is too soon for younto be make plans. Just enjoy.

I meant too soon for making long term plans.

It's not as if you have set out to trap or deceive him. You have been upfront with him haven't you? He sounds an eligible guy who is attracted to you and why shouldn't he value what you offer.

Take things slowly. My number one worry would be about whether he can share you with your DCs. Does he know what to expect? Spontaneity is tricky with youngsters to consider.

You have four DCs whereas this new man has only ever had to think of himself. Your youngest will be living with you for at least the next decade.

Hope life gets brighter for you and never underrate yourself.

Don't mean to put a downer on things but you're in a vulnerable position atm. Suggest you take steps to guard yoruself emotionally; just keeping a weather eye out so's to speak.

I mean, read up on red flags red flags and here. Let em stay in the back of your mind. they are useful to know because they can save so much trouble!

Then enjoy his company =) Just go ahead and enjoy. Take it as it comes.

I absolutely agree that it's way too early to be making long term plans or decisions. Although my xp physically left in January, we had 'co-existed' in the same house for a number of years, in separate rooms, so from my point of view I 've been single for a very long time it's the children who are still going through the change of emotions etc which is something I'm being very careful about. They have met him on days out and adored him. He has worked out all his days off through the Summer holidays and planned days out and activities we can do with them, and has bought a land rover so we can all fit in - as you do!

He has talked about helping me with the debt left on the house so we (me and the DC) can move somewhere nicer but I'm in no rush to be doing anything on a large scale so soon - it's all him really. He won't be selling up for at least a couple of years so from that point of view it will be slow anyway.

I just wondered if anyone had actually survived the huge lifestyle gap and managed to find a happy medium. Whilst my heart is loving it my ever the realist head is yelling at me that it's too good to be true!

Your last post is worrying.

Buying a larger car so he can fit you all in, offering to take over debt and potentially gain equity in your house? He's talking about moving away too.
You're in no rush, but he is. And he's already met your children! You only met him in June.

Listen to your head. You've just come out of a problematic relationship, and you know about scenarios which are too good to be true. They ARE.

Slow down. Read up on red flags. This is not about a lifestyle mismatch. He's starting to plan out your life for you.

Sounds a bit 'too good to be true'.
If I were you I would be wary.
But I watched a programme a week (or so) ago on women taken in by fraudster men and losing both money and self esteem.

keep your independence. and take this all very slowly indeed.

No - no equity in the house. Xp left us in a housing association house and in rent arrears which means we can't move out until it's clears. He wanted to pay the arrears so we could live somewhere still local but safer. (I'm not trying to justify, just clarifying)

Please be very careful. Your last post sounds downright scary to me and I have seen scary before. You don't know this man from Adam and he is already trying to sort our your life and your DC's lives. He could be a complete nut job. If he is so fantastic why is he single? I will be blunt - why is he not looking for a single woman to settle down with and start a family? Your say you own inner voice is trying to tell you something. Just listen to that voice.

You have been through a very tough time and he might look like a life raft now but please be very cautious. Good luck

I agree. This could just be a very kind impulse - he's got the money lying around gathering dust, you could use it, why not lend it to you and solve a problem. But it feels rather pushy for someone you barely know. He's bought a car you can all fit in - what the hell. He could have just hired something for family days out.

It all feels a bit impulsive on his side, whereas you have every reason to be more cautious. I'd tell him to cool it a bit with the happy family/financial support idea and just enjoy spending time together.