Met the most wonderful man but our worlds are so different...

[zephyrcat]

Can it ever work in that situation? I had a horrendous 13 year 'relationship' with xp which ended in January, and which I posted about recently due to needing an injunction against him. It's currently going through court.

However, in April I started to a guy and we clicked instantly. We talked all day every day over whatsapp messages and finally met in June. Everything is perfect - from both sides. However, my insecure paranoid inner voice is screaming that it'll never work.

He is a couple of years younger than me, has no children, is in a very good job within the NHS, has his own house in a lovely area which he's doing up to sell on and then buy another, cars (several very expensive) is well off and comfortable in his life and himself. He says he has everything but has been miserable for years and just wants someone to share it with - which is apparently me and the kids. His Mum has told him to keep hold of me apparently?!

I met xp at 22 and gave up my career to have my 4 wonderful children. Xp lost us every home we ever lived in, we ended up moving 8 times, in emergency homeless accommodation and now I live in a Housing Association house with kids running riot outside, people shouting and swearing. He worries about coming here and parking outside. The DC are 12, 10, 8 & 6. DS has just been diagnosed with ADD and is being referred for asd and dyspraxia. Our house is loud, messy, and a million miles away from his life. XP has left me in a huge pile of debt, I will never be able to get a mortgage and I have no idea where to begin with kicking off a career.

I'm driving myself insane with the thoughts that as perfect as it is, our lives are too far apart. Am I just being insecure?

DH didn't have his own DC either when we got together so I don't think it's automatically suspicious for a single man with no DC to choose a relationship with a single parent. It wasn't that he was specifically looking for a woman with dc, or even that he was resigned to all women of his age being divorced (childbearing/marriage tends to happen quite late here), but rather that he'd fallen for me as an individual and accepted the situation I was in. There are guys who are just nice and are focused on the woman rather than her circumstances.

It did take a fair bit of adjusting for DH to understand how different my lifestyle was with a DC compared to his, e.g. lack of spontaneity etc. I think that applies even to friends who don't have DC yet, so yes it'll be a bit of a shock to get used to 4 DC. And it's no reflection on him if he feels that it's too big a commitment. I don't know if I would have coped with a partner with 4 DC, it's a huge change of lifestyle even though I already have a DC.

I'd always be very cautious about contact with your DC though. I didn't introduce DH to mine until we'd been together a year, that may be a bit long for you as it will be harder to get childcare for 4 DC, but six months is a good period. Even if he enjoys spending time with them already, it's good for couples to have the start of the relationship as a time when you can just date, focus on getting to know each other as adults not parents, without dc being present.

Don't let the theoretical difference in your "worlds" put you off now, as it's too early for that even to matter. But slow down, big time, and try purely and simply to get a handle on whether you like being with each other. Don't get the kids too involved or attached.

If he truly is lovely he will understand. If he doesn't understand he's not lovely.

I call BS/nutter.

He's either up to his neck in debt or a looney. Or both.

Other than his mu, who else do do you know who knows him?

I would not have introduced him to kids that soon either.

if you're strongly independent and know the red flags then i reckon you should just go ahead and enjoy! :)

Fairytale.
I hope it has a happy ending.

I'm wondering if you have taken on board any of the advice/opinions given here (other than the ones telling you to go for it that is!)

HA properties are rarer than hens teeth. If you gave that up you would never get another one.

I met someone who was completely on the ropes, and in debt to the point it affected day to day life so much it was difficult to have a relationship - he couldn't afford train fares for one thing. About 2 months into the relationship, his housemate moved out and (not knowing I didn't know) let slip that this was because the guy i was seeing was about to lose his house. So I wrote him a cheque for £10k. First row we ever had and it was 3 weeks before he caved in and cashed it.

I was well aware that I could lose the lot and this was a way beyond normal gesture, but I had more money than I needed and knew this man was special. He maintains that the fact i believed in him and trusted him was his turning point. He ended up doing a masters, changing career and now earns a lot of money (far more than me) in a very specialised field. Been married many many years, with teenage kids. We come from very different backgrounds and that still shows every now and then, but we get through those differences and neither of us give a shit about that really.

Spending money to help facilitate a relationship is not always a red flag.

what a lovely story lordcopper :) so lovely when you hear of the times when a gesture of trust really does change someone's life!

I know I am a little late to the discussion but I just wanted to acknowledge the warm and excellent post from thecatinjapan. Nice words.

Sorry, thecatfromjapan :)

I have taken in everything that's been said and know only too well how slowly I need to go. However I think it's unfair to automatically assume that just because he has no children he's strange or weird or trying to get something or just get to my children.

If I didn't believe he was genuine I would have run a mile.

I just wondered if anyone had managed to have a successful relationship with such different lives, and it's fab to see that it can work out for the good :)

Thank you for such a positive lordcopper :)

Leaving all the money stuff aside (and I suspect this guy is more of a Walter mitty fantasist than genuiniely rolling in it) I really don't get why you'd think it appropriate to let a man you barely know (and had been dating for what - a few weeks?) meet your DC, especially as they are presumably still adjusting to their father's departure and not seeing him.

And re the Dc not seeing their dad, has that been the case since he left, or only since Mummy's new friend who takes them out in a nice car and buys them treats has been on the scene?

I think you should tread very carefully. 3-6 months is the least amount of time you should take before introducing children to a new man, possibly longer.

No one is saying he's strange or weird cos he doesn't have children. Have you even read most of the responses??!!

I think she only wants to read the responses that tell her its all going to be just fantastic. Sorry OP. I hope that is the case then.

Yes I have read all the responses. No I'm not looking for the ones that suggest it will be happily ever after.

All I asked was if a relationship can work over different lifestyles/circumstances!

I don't think different lifestyles or circumstances make a relationship impossible at all. Sometimes it's great because it allows two people to have new experiences.

What I do think is that you are viewing him as the better person (or catch?) whereas he is not. His life might be, but that does not mean he is.

You need equality in a relationship in terms of how you value yourself and the other person.

Life is messy. I don't think the messiness should cause you to veto what might be a great relationship. I do think you'd be very wise to evaluate it more, slow him down and make very clear he cannot play shining knight.

Playing shining knight is probably part of your attraction to him...he wants to feel good, to feel needed. What happens when you get back on your feet...because you will. Does playing shining knight make him more powerful in the relationship? If so, this is an issue.

The fact that he's scared to park outside your house tells me all I need to know. This man thinks he's better than you, well if not better than you, he thinks he's better than the social strata in which you live. He's trying to 'rescue' you from your life and make it better. That is not a kind impulse to be honest and the fact that he's bought a bigger car, is offering you money to clear your debts and has booked time off for family days out screams yikes. I'd be worried that he's a social inadequate who is looking for a ready made family to mould to his specifications to be honest, and that's the kindest interpretation. Moving too fast and making grand gestures are often traits of highly abusive men. Protect your children back right off and only see him apart from them. It's not fair to let them develop a relationship with him at this stage.

What Front said is right really. You should see yourself as his equal at least. Try and imagine a future where you are doing well or 'better' than he is and see how you think the dynamic would play out. I moved in with a BF and quickly realised that he thought he was rescuing me from a situation that he saw as bad when I did not. It went horribly wrong but you are more self aware than I was. I think just proceed with all your spidey senses on full alert and enjoy it for what it is. If it's too much, he'll do a bunk and you will have your answer!

My dad walked out on us when I was 11 and my brother was 9. He left my mum with nothing while he had loads. It was awful. Then she met a lovely man quite by chance. He was years younger, no children, a beautiful mortgage free house, good job, nice car etc etc.

They've been married for 25 years now. He is fab and is a hands on, doting grandfather to mine and my DB's children. He and my mum have a lovely house and are very happy

Why do you not deserve the same? I think that it is very telling that his Mum has said to "keep hold" of you.

All the very best. I hope it works out

*3 years younger! Not years! I made it sound like he was a teenager!

Some men people are strangely precious about cars though Ehric. I wouldn't necessarily read too much into that.

He may also have had experience of his car being damaged, often repeatedly in 'unsafe' areas (which could be anywhere - town centres, not necessarily a reflection on where the OP lives) because some people are equally resentful of other people having nice things - they think 'I don't have a car like that, he has and doesn't deserve it, therefore I will scratch it'.

I wouldn't be in a rush to give the HA property up though. MIL (widowed) gave up a lovely HA house to move in with a man who owned a tiny flat. She bitterly regrets it and wishes she had stood her ground and had him move in with her instead.

DP has a good job, nice car, decent life...He met me, a lone parent, full time mature student (since graduated), living on basically nothing...we're getting married in 4 weeks.

I felt shit at first, questioned his motives, communicated this with him, he was shocked as he just loved me for me, all the other bits were pointless. I was out of work for a while, he supported myself and DD, moved into my council flat and paid all the bills. I really struggled to accept it but he was understanding and said it was part of our relationship together that we share.

I've since got a lovely part time job, we are better off financially but I feel better contributing. I can totally see where you are coming from, but have more faith in yourself, you're obviously wonderful