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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Met the most wonderful man but our worlds are so different...

75 replies

zephyrcat · 05/08/2014 11:38

Can it ever work in that situation? I had a horrendous 13 year 'relationship' with xp which ended in January, and which I posted about recently due to needing an injunction against him. It's currently going through court.

However, in April I started to a guy and we clicked instantly. We talked all day every day over whatsapp messages and finally met in June. Everything is perfect - from both sides. However, my insecure paranoid inner voice is screaming that it'll never work.

He is a couple of years younger than me, has no children, is in a very good job within the NHS, has his own house in a lovely area which he's doing up to sell on and then buy another, cars (several very expensive) is well off and comfortable in his life and himself. He says he has everything but has been miserable for years and just wants someone to share it with - which is apparently me and the kids. His Mum has told him to keep hold of me apparently?!

I met xp at 22 and gave up my career to have my 4 wonderful children. Xp lost us every home we ever lived in, we ended up moving 8 times, in emergency homeless accommodation and now I live in a Housing Association house with kids running riot outside, people shouting and swearing. He worries about coming here and parking outside. The DC are 12, 10, 8 & 6. DS has just been diagnosed with ADD and is being referred for asd and dyspraxia. Our house is loud, messy, and a million miles away from his life. XP has left me in a huge pile of debt, I will never be able to get a mortgage and I have no idea where to begin with kicking off a career.

I'm driving myself insane with the thoughts that as perfect as it is, our lives are too far apart. Am I just being insecure?

OP posts:

Muckymoo71 · 05/08/2014 20:13

I'd accept his help but wait til the honeymoon period ends. I'm a good judge of character but been hoodwinked before. Try pushing his buttons to see if he has a temper.

FabULouse · 05/08/2014 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hybridbike · 05/08/2014 23:24

I agree with keeping your financial boundaries clear at this stage. It's too soon to be accepting help on that level. DH did eventually help me out, but it was after we'd known each other for about five years and were engaged. It's also good for your own self esteem to know that you can tackle situations as a single mum and not be dependent on anyone else. Otherwise, if the relationship turns sour, you can end up remaining in it simply because you believe you can't stand on your own two feet. That's an important lesson for every woman to learn, especially if you have dc.

But, I don't agree that making the offer is necessarily a red flag. It's something that DH might have offered, as he's extremely caring and generous and hates to see people suffer if he can help. But I wouldn't have even shared that kind of information with him so early in our relationship. We have certainly survived the lifestyle gap and are very happy now, so it can happen.

Itmustbelove · 05/08/2014 23:24

Oh dear. I have just extricated myself from something very similar. Really full-on straight away, would do anything for me, great with the kids, accepted all my baggage when he had none.

It has just ended really badly and looking back, it was all about control and I was vulnerable, just as you are. Too much, too soon, which you will find it difficult to escape from. Take care.

Twinklestein · 05/08/2014 23:32

You met him in June and he's bought a landrover and is offering to pay off debt. That's not normal, be very wary. He's making you dependent on him and getting power over you.

Dirtybadger · 06/08/2014 00:59

Another one saying this doesn't sound normal.

You've only known one another for a few weeks!

Allalonenow · 06/08/2014 01:28

You have only known him just over a month, yet he has already met your children, bought a family car, planned your summer, offered to clear your debts, discussed living together in the future. This is all much too much far too soon.

Your own divorce is not completely settled yet and you have only been alone since January. I think you need to be very wary of a relationship that is moving too fast.

Take things much more slowly, spend time finding out what will be best for you and your children. Get to know him much better before you make any commitment, because taking on four children will be quite a challenge for him. All the best of luck though zephyr because it sounds almost too good to be true.

Hissy · 06/08/2014 06:39

Frying pan and fire.

Be very wary. Very, very wary indeed. He's 'rescuing' you and that is usually a power/control grab.

Scale it all back, don't allow access to your dc, and take all plans OFF the table.

Deluge · 06/08/2014 09:40

Honestly? Alarm bells ringing.

You only ended your marriage in January. You have known this guy just a few months and he is already acting like he is a replacement husband and dad to your kids. It all sounds like it is moving way too fast and is driven by him.

A couple of months in, it would be healthy and normal to still be at the dating stage, having a weekly dinner out, getting to know each other etc.
I personally dont think getting heavily involved in your family life at this early stage makes him a great guy.

Thats my honest opinion. I have seen it too many times. A woman comes out of a shit relationship and meets a knight in shining armour who turns out to be controlling. I would pull right back, explain that you need to take it slow and see how he reacts. A reasonable man will understand.

greeneggsandjam · 06/08/2014 09:48

I'm sorry to be a bit down, but as lots of the others are saying, its all sounding a bit too good to be true. You first talked to him online in April, its just turned August now and he has already bought a new car to fit you all in and is offering to pay your debts.

If he is in such a good job how is he able to be chatting on Whatsapp all day long with you?

Are you sure he owns his own house and lots of cars? Also, why did he feel the need to tell you all of this info very early on?

Have you met his mum? I don't want you to take this the wrong way at all but I'm just going to pretend for the moment that you haven't met her. So he tells her he met this woman online with x number of children, currently going through court, no job, debts, all the rest of it. And she tells him to hand on to you. Something doesn't sit right. However, it may be that you have met her a number of times with your children and she sees that you have a lovely personality and lovely children and can see what a great person you are.

I would like to be wrong but it could be that he is making everything up, or that he has plenty money but not from working in the NHS. He might not even have contact with his mum, there could be so many possibilities.

I wonder what would happen if you told him you were busy for a few days or that a friend was coming to stay or something like that. For me, I'm afraid, it all sounds a bit controlling.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 06/08/2014 10:15

Don't rush into anything. It doesn't sound right that this man is planning out the summer holidays and buying a new car. It's much, much too soon for him to be so involved. You have said that your children are still recovering from your divorce so I would recommend that you concentrate on your children and sort yourself out with work etc before getting too involved in another relationship.

Hopefully if this man is as wonderful as you say, he will allow you to have lots of time on your own with your kids and won't be too pushy. Personally, I wouldn't have considered introducing a new man to my children until we'd been dating for at least 6 months. Please don't sleepwalk into another awful relationship by allowing this man to 'rescue' you.

Have you considered that he isn't who he says he is? Check that he actually works where he says as a starting point.

GoatsDoRoam · 06/08/2014 10:17

This is not normal. He's assuming too much, too quickly. Everything you describe sounds like a man who just wants to take over your life to suit his.

Branleuse · 06/08/2014 10:19

people you just click with dont come around every day. Its special. Maybe hes just the guy who sees through the baggage and sees you?

vezzie · 06/08/2014 10:21

Read thecatfromjapan's brilliant post again. And again, and again. And think very hard. And don't rush into anything.

Original poster

zephyrcat · 06/08/2014 10:27

All makes perfect sense and everything I'm reading is basically what I'm doing regarding keeping a distance. I haven't accepted any of his offers of help and don't intend to. I am quite fiercely independent and he's finding that out. Before we actually met up I did know him vaguely through a friend and he offered me his nmc registration pin so I could check he was who he said he was. I have met his Mum and she was lovely - the way he is just seems to be the way e was brought up. If I thought there was anything that was a red flag I would have run for the hills from the start. Having been stuck with someone who had every red flag going I was well aware of exactly what I didn't want to get into.

OP posts:

Taffeta · 06/08/2014 10:48

What vezzie said.

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 06/08/2014 11:07

I will be blunt - why is he not looking for a single woman to settle down with and start a family?

He may be genuine. A friend of mine recently divorced and started dating again. As a non parent, he initially avoided women with children as it just wasn't something he was used to.

He quickly realised that most available women his age (late 30s) were mothers that were divorced, separated, or occasionally widowed. He was therefore seriously reducing the pool of available women to date, unless he started to date mothers and/or women that were significantly younger than him.

He is now in a long term relationship with a lovely mother of two, who is about the same age as him.

Original poster

zephyrcat · 06/08/2014 11:08

I wasn't married to xp, it's going to court because he always abusive and the do don't want to see him. I do work, I have up a career to have the children but the youngest is now six so I am back working.

Is it really so impossible that he's just a nice guy?

OP posts:

Original poster

zephyrcat · 06/08/2014 11:10

Bloody phone *he was abusive and the dc don't want to see him

OP posts:

Original poster

zephyrcat · 06/08/2014 11:15

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat that's something we talked about from the word go and he said pretty much the same thing. He was very open and honest about it and said that if he didn't feel comfortable he wouldn't have even contemplated starting anything.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 06/08/2014 11:17

A nice guy, after meeting you in June, would be taking you out on dates & buying you flowers, not buying cars and trying to pay off your debt.

It's not sensible, rational, intelligent, mature or normal on his part, so you have to ask yourself why he's doing it.

Either he wants to get control over you quickly and get you dependent on him or he wants access to your kids.

There's a 1% chance he may just be a 'nice' guy, but if so he lacks balance, caution and judgement.

tribpot · 06/08/2014 11:19

he offered me his nmc registration pin so I could check he was who he said he was.

This is also a bit odd.

Is it really so impossible that he's just a nice guy?

No - it isn't impossible. I think all everyone is saying is that you are right to be cautious and take things slowly. However, it is very common for people escaping abusive relationships to end up in other abusive relationships because their perception of what is acceptable/normal is so skewed. The usual trap is 'it's not as bad as last time, therefore it's good'. The lovebombing and over-enthusiasm he's displaying could be leading up to an unhealthy relationship and with your vulnerability to such things it's worth being mindful of that.

Have you done any counselling to address the abuse of the previous relationship?

Azquilith · 06/08/2014 11:24

Looking at it from the other way. When I met my DP he was skint, bunking with relatives and with two kids from two previous relationships. I was high earning with an extremely wealthy partner. We got together and have been happy for 4 years now, with a DS. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and he enables me to be myself. Tho my DM still doesn't talk to me but quite frankly I couldn't give a toss. 4 kids is a lot for someone who doesn't have any, so I'd take it slowly, but sometimes these things can work.

greeneggsandjam · 06/08/2014 11:27

Its great that you have met his mum and that you vaguely knew him through someone else. How did it come about that he gave you his nmc registration?

Loomy · 06/08/2014 11:29

He's met your DC on days out and has no DC himself. Your ex doesn't see his DC.
Your new boyfriend hasn't got a clue what is about to hit him. The reality of your household situation is going to be such a shock and only time will tell if he sticks around.
I'm talking from experience. I have two DC and been with my fella only three months and we have been inseparable every since and talking about the future but now the reality is starting to sink in for him and I know the honeymoon period is about to end. I'm kicking myself now for not holding him at arms length and letting the honeymoon period last a lot longer but in my mind I wanted to know if he would go the distance sooner rather than later.

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