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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anything I can do about STBXH not turning up?

62 replies

Aliensloveunderpants00 · 05/08/2014 07:22

Second week running that he's emailed saying he has plans and will not be having DC this weekend..... he's been decreasing contact slowly but surely since we split up last year and I usually just shrug it off and get on with things. I had a weekend away booked with a lovely guy I've started seeing and with hotel and travel tickets non-refundable we'll be losing the whole amount if I can't go (no one to look after DC, it's just me).

Very stressed and completely fed up of this ...... he got served the divorced papers last week so he's probably retaliatingSad. Anything I can do? I have emailed him (no speaking terms, his choice) explaining the situation but that's making it worse even, he's very bitter about me leaving and just want to 'punish me'..... could telling my solicitor help t all?

OP posts:
SassyPasty · 05/08/2014 07:25

Did you tell him you have a weekend away planned?

Original poster
Aliensloveunderpants00 · 05/08/2014 07:29

Yes I made that fatal mistake ...... but he always turns up one or two hours late to collect them and the only flight we could book meant leaving on time so I emailed him asking him to arrive on time as I needed to get on a flight (no mention of going away with a guy, he doesn't even know he exists...)

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MuttonCadet · 05/08/2014 07:30

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this, but no, I don't think you can force him to have contact.

It's dreadful for your kids, and adds pressure to you. Is there anyway you can take the kids with you?

Thanks
MuttonCadet · 05/08/2014 07:31

Sorry, just seen that you're flying, that does make it harder.

SassyPasty · 05/08/2014 07:35

I've been through this exact scenario Sad He will take great delight in scuppering your plans and I wouldn't be too sure he hasn't sussed about new man. If nothing else, start widening your support network so that you have occasional fall back childcare. Not a great help for this weekend though, sorry x

Original poster
Aliensloveunderpants00 · 05/08/2014 07:37

Thanks Mutton. It's quite an early relationship so I haven't introduced the DC to him yet. My eldest is distraught, she's a daddy's girl but he just doesn't care, as long as he can 'teach me what being a single mother is really like' (his words) Sad

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MuttonCadet · 05/08/2014 07:38

It probably won't help for this weekend, but have you tried reverse psychology on him?

Next time you want a weekend away tell him that he can't see the kids because you have plans with them that weekend. He'll kick and scream to have them and start talking about his "rights".

Itmustbelove · 05/08/2014 07:39

I have exactly the same and get really angry about it. I have learnt there is nothing you can do except lower your expectations. And build up alternative Childcare so you don't rely on him. It's hard if you don't have friends and family to do it as it is costly but it's the only way if he has become so unreliable/awkward.

Original poster
Aliensloveunderpants00 · 05/08/2014 07:40

Thank you sassy and sorry you had the same problem... what's wrong with these men? I was so looking forward to going away, it's been hard lately...

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Original poster
Aliensloveunderpants00 · 05/08/2014 07:43

Mutton - he really avoids spending time with them so I think he would be delighted if I were to say he can't have them that weekend; worth trying though, thank you

Thank you mustbelove. I can book a sitter for a few hours but no way of sorting overnight care for them; no family or close friends around me. It's just so, so hard as DC are still so small and I don't get a break very often Sad

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43percentburnt · 05/08/2014 07:46

This will be deliberate. My ex did the same thing when I had a trip abroad. Pil stepped in to help! That will have pissed him off even more.

Boyfriends siblings/parents? Can they help? Mum from school? (I have had a school friend for the weekend in a similar situation).

You need to always assume that he won't turn up. Also I would start going out when he is late to inconvenience him. Give him 5 mins then go out and get on with your day. Don't rush back. When he rings you annoyed that you had the audacity to go out don't rush back. If you are 10 miles away tell him he can drive there if he wants or you will be back in a while. If he has to sit outside for an hour and a half in his car you may find he then starts turning up on time. Just as you would any other meeting that you had arranged. In fact if I only saw my kids once or twice a week I'd be camped on the doorstep waiting for them to wake up in the morning!

At the moment he sees his time as valuable and yours/children's as irrelevant.

43percentburnt · 05/08/2014 07:52

Hmm anyway you could take them with you? You and boyfriend could just 'be friends', yes it may scupper the original plans but would be a mini break.

Reverse psychology is most likely to work. Presumably Ex would be ultra annoyed if he thought you and your new boyfriend were taking the children away for the weekend and it's what you really wanted all along. Ie he has convenienced you by not having the kids.

Original poster
Aliensloveunderpants00 · 05/08/2014 07:59

That did happen a couple of weeks ago; he said he wasn't having the DC so I went out with them. Then he changed his mind and turned up and as we weren't there ...... he left! (despite me texting him saying we would be back in 10 mins). He sees DC as an inconvenience and a chore so will take any chance not to have them (even though he only sees them alternate weekends!)

43percent - thanks... it's very early relationship (merely a few weeks) so I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving DC with any of his family ... haven't even met them yet for a start Wink

I have friends who can help for a few hours but not a whole weekend unfortunately....... This sucks Sad

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Itmustbelove · 05/08/2014 08:01

Yes it is hard. I have come to the conclusion that I will have to wait some years before having a social life/dating/meeting someone.

Whereisegg · 05/08/2014 08:05

What about your ex's family?

Original poster
Aliensloveunderpants00 · 05/08/2014 08:07

His family are all abroad unfortunately. ...

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Original poster
Aliensloveunderpants00 · 05/08/2014 08:39

Thank you all for your advice/support, not nice that some of you have had the same issue of course but it does help knowing I'm not the only one with such a shitty ex....

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WhatsGoingOnEh · 05/08/2014 08:49

God, what a twat! I'd be FUMING.

I agree with the reverse psychology. Has he got a huge ego? I'm guessing yes. So tell him, "OK. The children are clearly an inconvenience to you so I'll be raising them with my boyfriend and they'll learn to see him as their father. You don't have to bother again. I'll contact the CSA to alert them you're no longer having the kids so they'll contact you about the increased maintenance. I've told the kids you don't want to see them this weekend."

Where are your family? Can you possibly take the kids there before you go away?

Long-term, can you move nearer your parents? I did, and it's made a HUGE difference in the balance of power between me and my twunty XH.

PhallChops · 05/08/2014 09:01

43% is right - ExKnob is still trying to exert control, you need to take hold of the reins. Perhaps start to refuse him contact as it is causing eldest too much distress? He'll soon want to be in touch......

trufflehunterthebadger · 05/08/2014 09:10

Could you try something along the lines of "i don't care whether you see them or not, you are nothing to me. However DD has been crying because she thinks you don't want her anymore, it is not fair on her that she is excited to see you and you keep letting her down. If you carry on like this you won't see her again because i can't bear to see her heart broken every time you let her down again"

trufflehunterthebadger · 05/08/2014 09:11

And what a wanker to delberately distress his child just to annoy you

Original poster
Aliensloveunderpants00 · 05/08/2014 09:15

Thank you - yes to having a huge ego... I like your suggestion for a message whatsgoingon, will be emailing him later with it although I have a feeling he will take up the opportunity to see them even less, as they are clearly a huge inconvenient to him...

My family are all abroad so sadly can't help me. I couldn't move there either long term as I wouldn't uproot DC, they've grown up in this country and have been through enough changes as it is Sad. Stuck really with not much support around me.

Thank you all so much again, love MN, always so supportive...

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Original poster
Aliensloveunderpants00 · 05/08/2014 09:18

It's not the first time truffle .... last Halloween he promised to take DC1 trick or treating. She dressed up and waited for hours... for him not to turn up in the end, no explanation, just an email past midnight saying 'this will teach you the repercussions of you leaving me and breaking up the family' . I still cry when I remember DC1 all dressed up asleep in her bed after having waiting in vain for him to turn up Sad

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FunkyBoldRibena · 05/08/2014 09:21

Can you drop them at his anyway?

Original poster
Aliensloveunderpants00 · 05/08/2014 09:28

He wouldn't open the door funky.. I've tried in the past when I had an important meeting and he was running extremely late. He just sat there inside his house and didn't open the door, I had to drive back home and wait for another hour before he dared turning up. Clearly still trying to exert control Sad

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