Anything I can do about STBXH not turning up?

[Aliensloveunderpants00]

Second week running that he's emailed saying he has plans and will not be having DC this weekend..... he's been decreasing contact slowly but surely since we split up last year and I usually just shrug it off and get on with things. I had a weekend away booked with a lovely guy I've started seeing and with hotel and travel tickets non-refundable we'll be losing the whole amount if I can't go (no one to look after DC, it's just me).

Very stressed and completely fed up of this ...... he got served the divorced papers last week so he's probably retaliating. Anything I can do? I have emailed him (no speaking terms, his choice) explaining the situation but that's making it worse even, he's very bitter about me leaving and just want to 'punish me'..... could telling my solicitor help t all?

The only lesson that it teaches anyone is that DD learns that she is not important any more.

My friend has had exactly this situation. I would say try to keep your relationship going otherwise he will think he can mess with your relationships and do it over and over, and before you know it years will have passed and still no life.

It is frustrating, but you need to pay for babysitters and arrange everything yourself. He will always leave you dangling on a string and upset/angry/confused/annoyed if you let him.

Don't let him!

I have watched my friend give her ex chance after chance and be messed around and let down and wound up. Let him know you and your dc do not need him and he will not get any more chances.

Try telling him you are going to change the contact order so he does not see them. I'm sure the thought of "losing" to you will make him more determined to see his kids!

I know truffle but he doesn't give a damn. I make sure she gets extra cuddles and 'I love you's when he behaves like this

You need to plan as if he doesn't exist, I had the exact same experience with ex took me two years to 'train' him that seeing his kids was meant to be about his relationship with them. He couldn't cope not knowing what I was up to and could only see at as 'childminding for me'. I had all the mad late pickups/drop offs; last minute changes to plans 10 mins before he should have been there/ no collection from nursery and school. Then I had bringing them back 8am sat morn cos he 'had to work' and would be back at lunch time - that's to see who was in the house and make sure I didn't stay out. When I look back now it was mad. I had to just enforce boundaries about contact time - 'this is your time' if you don't show then its not happening. Spent several weekends getting out the house early doing fun activities with the kids so he couldn't just turn up and enforce his own arrangements (which he tried) all very exhausting. It did settle for about 1-2 years but now hes nowhere to be seen kids see him prob x 2 per year. His choice not mine they got fed up with all the disappointment/lying etc and although I do and did my best to cover (for their sakes) once kids get to a certain age they work it out for themselves and they can be very uncompromising.

You're completely right fun. I wouldn't let him mess up my personal life though; I might not be going away for the weekend but sitter is already booked and we're going out for a lovely dinner.

I have now emailed him saying it's his last chance and if he doesn't confirm he'll be having the DC this weekend by 5pm today I'll be bringing them up on my own etc as they're clearly an inconvenient to him. Also mentioned CSA and that will really hurt him as it's one of his main annoyances, that he has to pay me every month after I decided to leave him (child maintenance, and a lot less that he should really be paying too)

Good for you aliens

I have been where you are - and I agree with others, plan your life as if he doesn't exist. My child has given up on her father and doesn't wish to have anything to do with him ever again. It is his loss. And don't threaten CMS for maintenance - do it. Any money he pays is totally separate to any contact he has. He has a legal duty to pay whether he bothers to see them or not.

I wrote that before reading the Halloween post. What a complete and utter cunt.

Im in the exact same situation, havent been able to plan ahead for over a year now because he just doesnt turn up, hes even taking me to court for "full custody" as he puts it and even then hasnt turned up for the interim conatct which has been arranged. I let him see via social network that even when he doesnt turn up, we still go out and have our own fun in the hope it makes him realise he isnt scuppering my plans. Its awful for the kids when they dont turn up and its us mums that usully cop for it. I'll never undersatnd why some men are so horribly bitter.

I'm rooting for you Aliens! Hope the email has some impact but agree with other poster who suggested developing mutual arrangements with other friends/single mum's to cover these situations as if STBXH didn't exist....when men behave so badly & hurt their children too it must make you wonder how you ever thought they were nice enough to be with!

What an idiot. I'm sorry you and your children are having to go through this. Just remember in the end it will be his loss.

That Halloween story is so sad

He really isn't teaching you how to be a lp, he's just teaching his dc what it's like to have a wanker for a father.

Hi OP- You should start keeping a record of times where he is late with no contact - definitely keep that e-mail he sent about not turning up for Halloween in order to punish you, keep track of every instance he let's the kids down without a reasonable excuse.

Try and get him to put it in writing if you can - he is treating your kids like dirt. Worse than dirt. This is the sort of person that makes me want to vomit to be honest.

If it gets to a point where you have a long list of let downs, get an appointment with a solicitor, and ask if there's anyway you can change the status quo, so he basically gets no custody unless it's agreed a set period in advance between you each and every time. Bring evidence of continued let down, him saying he is doing it to punish you, etc.

This isn't about punishing HIM by using the kids - it's about protecting your kids from disappointment. If he only asks to see them twice a year, then that's only twice a year they can be disappointed. I understand it might be harder for you this way, getting no break, but it might also be stress off your shoulders.

Do re-consider going to where your family are as well - it sounds like it would be a massive shift for you, and kids adjust incredibly quickly to new places. If the country speaks a different language, then that would obviously be a huge life skill for them to pick up as well.

Thank you all, you're all so kind. I sent the email and he replied saying I have no right to stop seeing his kids and that he will see them whenever he wants but on his terms. Still refuses to have them this weekend but wasn't expecting him to change his mind on that. He's also using three days when I was really ill last year and he had to look after them as an excuse for him cancelling time with the DC as ' I owe him that time'.

Very good point about not pushing him by stopping him from seeing them but more me protecting them from further disappointment. My eldest was in tears earlier although luckily DD2 and DD3 are too small to understand anything yet.

I have plenty of emails from him over the past year saying that I cannot force him to have the kids and things like 'you'll learn your lesson once I stop seeing them altogether and you have to manage all on your own'

There's nothing I can do about this weekend but I'll be going out with the DC next weekend he's due to have them. Otherwise he will think I'm bluffing (it took me years of trying to finally leave my marriage so I guess that's why he's not really taking me seriously.....)

Thank you all again, so so grateful for all your advice and encouragement.

*punishing not pushing him (though a good push over the nearest cliff wouldn't come amiss ....)

The courts will see it very differently, they will take a very dim view of one parent deliberately letting down their dc to punish the other.

I would reply that he is stopping himself from seeing them and that he turns up to agreed contact or you'll see him in court.
Posters on the legal board will be able to help you word any e-mails.

Anything I suggest probably wouldn't be very well received

Do you have set contact times - every other weekend for instance? He can't just pick up and drop off when he feels like it. As long as you offer regular contact there is nothing he can do. He sounds utterly vile btw - thank goodness you are no longer with him.

I think I'd keep the attitude up that it is of no inconvenience to YOU if he chooses not th show, keep pushing it back onto him. make it clear to him that if he fails to turn up then you just think 'yay, more time with my kids' (even if not actually true)

The bollocks about punishing you... Again, just keep reinforcing your (fictional) thought process 'dear Twat, a no show means jack shit to me, except to totally confirm I did the right thing in dumping you. Being a single parent is ace, thanks. Just Can't believe I put up with you as long as I did' etc.

The Halloween thing is heartbreaking, what an utter utter cunt.
But

Don't ever discuss how the kids are hurt by his actions. Keep any response or comment to a no show neutral or happy he couldn't be arsed. Manipulators like him are so fucking easy to manipulate back. All they want to do is do what you don't want. You can have so, so much fun tying the inadequate tossers in fucking knots trying to guess what it is that you don't want. ( I'm not a 'nice' person, which comes in handy sometimes :) )

You're right butterfly he is a vile, vile creature . He's done lots of nasty things since we split up ...like telling me all family photos have been lost so I have zero pictures of the last ten years including no baby pictures at all... . I usually do my best to ignore him but it's really starting to get me really down now...

Great advice on posting in the legal board, I'll be asking there, thank you.

The agreement is that he sees them one fixed day midweek and alternate weekends but he's been missing quite a few of them lately. And he always turns up an hour or two late; have lots the count of booked activities/trains/flights I have missed because of him doing so (and still waiting for an apology of course). It makes me so sad this whole situation......

What about replying:
'Oh that's no problem, my new partner is very keen to meet the DC's so I guess we can now take them with us, thanks so much, have a lovely weekend on your own you sad bastard I'll send you a post card, Alien, m'wah xx xx

doc I like your way of thinking... love the thought of being able to manipulate him back but he's so bitter and fixed on how to punish me it would probably go over his head. He doesn't take me seriously which I think it's the main problem here....

(oh and you do seem very nice to me btw )

spring haha!! I actually included something along the lines of 'we both know you'll be sitting at home all alone watching some crap of your laptop like the sad little man you are whilst I'll out enjoying the sunshine with our amazing DC and having a lovely dinner with my OH who loves me very, very much' (not strictly true as no L word has been exchanged as very, very early days but hey he doesn't have to know that )

Oh and just to clarify .... I never respond to this messages but he has really p&ssed me off this time, he deserves the petty email

I'd post a lovely 'looking forward to a surprise weekend with the kiddies - ice creams are ON' type thing on facebook just in case he is monitoring that from a distance.