Anything I can do about STBXH not turning up?

[Aliensloveunderpants00]

Second week running that he's emailed saying he has plans and will not be having DC this weekend..... he's been decreasing contact slowly but surely since we split up last year and I usually just shrug it off and get on with things. I had a weekend away booked with a lovely guy I've started seeing and with hotel and travel tickets non-refundable we'll be losing the whole amount if I can't go (no one to look after DC, it's just me).

Very stressed and completely fed up of this ...... he got served the divorced papers last week so he's probably retaliating. Anything I can do? I have emailed him (no speaking terms, his choice) explaining the situation but that's making it worse even, he's very bitter about me leaving and just want to 'punish me'..... could telling my solicitor help t all?

Spring - that is a brilliant reply!

Men like this can be very easy to play. As easy as my DS when he was 3 and I used to get away with 'I bet you cant eat all those peas on your plate'.

Mess with his head with your reasonableness and don't tell the kids when he's due to collect them, just go out if he's not there on time. He'll soon get tired of it

Be as pissed off as you like but don't let him know it.

He really isn't teaching you how to be a lp, he's just teaching his dc what it's like to have a wanker for a father.

This.

My DS (9) has started to refuse contact with his dad because he is totally unreliable with contact. And that's only twice a week on skype.

I don't punish him, but if something comes up that DS is enjoying, I refuse to rush home to make contact because there is a high probability that he won't be on skype by the time we get there.
DS tends to refuse to wait more than 10 min for contact, and I have demanded confirmation 24h before. Particularly after a no show with no warning. After a few times he has managed to keep times and give warnings much more reliably.
Still not enough to how that he cares enough.

I told my EX to see a solicitor if he wanted contact, that way we had something set in stone and he wouldnt keep turning up when it suited him and keep letting the kids down, yes I refused him contact but only because he was really starting to hurt the kids, in the end he went straight to court, its shit yes but in the long run its for the best because at least the kids will have routine, I say they will, hes still failed to collect when interim contact has been arranged. Doing himself no favours and Im resigned to the fact that all this is still to have control over me. Good luck.

It sounds like you have plenty of evidence of his crap behaviour, so just cut contact and set the CSA on him. Ignore him completely. He's just an inadequate little man who you were so right to dump.

Been there got the T shirt!

My ex went one step further and brought the kids home 12 hrs earlier than was planned, let himself in with DD1s key and manipulated it for both kids to find me in bed with my new bf.

I had been seeing the bf ( now my DH) for ages before we did the deed and that weekend had been for the deed.

Because it had been a week of ahem things... I had no proper food in ( was due for a big shop) and I said to EXH I couldn't have the kids as I had no food in ( panic set in) he then promptly told his solicitor he was having to feed the kids because I wasn't providing food for them as I was too busy bonking.

He also did the classic not turning up when due as he knew I had something planned. He told me he wasn't prepared to have the kids more than one night a month as anymore could mean I could go away - yes he admitted it.

He just stopped turning up in the end- he let down DD2 ( has autism needs routine) so many times she told him if he couldn't turn up on time he shouldn't bother - so he stopped. 7 years later no card, present or kiss my ass from him. Kids have had major birthdays (21, 18 etc) and all he has done on birthdays is call the CSA to see if he was still to pay.

He tells everyone I stopped him from seeing the kids... I didn't. I would love some respite from DD2 - in 6 years of marriage we have had one weekend away from her since our two week honeymoon.

But tbh I am glad he is not part of it. The girls both see him for what he is. A spineless piece of shit.

Weekend of ahem things... I am not a sex maniac!

banana "a weekend of ahem things" .... wish I could have one of those! Really sorry you had to go through that, your XH sounds like a spineless piece of shit indeed . My ex has also been telling everyone that I'm not allowing him to see the DC. So very tempted to post on Facebook some of his emails with jewels such as "you won't be able to force me to see my kids when I want nothing to do with them" and "you'll learn your lesson when I stop seeing the DC altogether and you're left doing everything yourself". Not something I would ever do of course but it would serve him right.... Very sad that grown up men can behave like that towards their own children.

Btw can I ask, how did you manage to actually progress a relationship (and you married him! ) having sole custody of the DC? It's what concerns me, how to get to know current man not being able to have any time alone, especially for 'ahem things" if I go for sole custody and have the DC all the time (bar a few hours with a sitter)?

solidgold Yes plenty of proof. I just need to decide whether the little contact the DC do get with him (although unreliable) is better than them not being regularly disappointed but losing touch completely with their father.... . Such a hard thing to decide on...

Alien my heart breaks for your little one with the halloween story. If he can't stick to contact and is constantly upsetting your DC, I honestly think you would be best withdrawing contact and making him take you to court for it. If he can be bothered. If he is such a dick then you need everything set in stone legally, so he can't keep doing this to your poor DC.

well lesson learned....if no family relatives then you need to work hard on building relationships/networks over the coming years with other parents who will do kid swaps for whole weekends and overnights as you will never be able to relay on your ex.

so, you organize your weekend away, set your childcare arrangements etc totally without him.

Jeez, is there a book all these fucking idiots read? My ex was the EXACT same - not turning up, turning up late (when he could be arsed), me wasting money on tickets/nights out/plans. It was just to control me and, same as you, 'show me what it's like to be a single parent' and the classic 'no way am I babysitting so you can go out gallivanting about' ffs.

I acted like he didn't exist. I didn't have anyone that could have the kids either (5 of them, oldest DS with AS, youngest being 2). I'm not kidding when I say it was hard. However, for some reason (I suspect trying to impress the gf) he did start taking them EOW for exactly 48 hours and no other time (holidays or extra nights). Still didn't believe it for at least a year and even now (7 years since he left, 4 years since he started having them regularly) I very rarely organise an expensive weekend away. If I do, I certainly don't let anyone know about it in case it gets back to him.

I did manage a relationship, and get married again, although not until the youngest was at school and with a lot of military precision timing .

And IMO crap, unreliable contact is not better than no contact. I think it's the consistency that matters, not the fact they can turn up whenever they like and dictate.

Oh my ex must have read that book too. 'You wanted to be single, well see what it's like on your own' (he left by the way) and 'I'm not your babysitter.' It's all control, selfishness and anger.

I often wonder if it would be best if he didn't see the children at all.