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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think DP just left me

96 replies

Notsureaboutthisusername · 04/08/2014 00:57

He's been distant for a while, not talking much, so tonight I decided to ask him if we were OK. He said he didn't know what I was taking about and went back to watching TV.

I started crying, he stayed staring at the TV. Not one bit of reassurance. I carried on crying because I could just tell things weren't right. He eventually said he didn't want to talk about it but is unsure what he wants. Then he left. No idea what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsureaboutthisusername · 04/08/2014 09:57

I know, it's like he just gets to not bother. I'm OK. He's coming over to talk in a minute. Kind of in shock, but I know he's going to turn it around into me and what a dreadful person I am.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/08/2014 10:18

Do not less this become about you and "your faults". Stick to business - duration, finances and access.

Good luck.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/08/2014 10:30

Cowardly, upping and going when a discussion gets 'heavy'. When you have a child together it's not as simple as just scampering back to his mum. Bad enough he zones out around you, what is he like with his DC?

Can you look back, try and pinpoint the last stretch of time you were honestly happy and relaxed together, when he last cracked a smile because he saw you come into the room, are we talking weeks, months?

Maybe it's simply he's overdue some time off work?

Even if he feels taken for granted/bored/too young to be blessed with a DP and DC, he owes you some explanation so see what he has to say.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/08/2014 10:35

By which I don't mean, sit passively and let him call the shots. If you have felt he's been opting out or not the man you knew and loved of course you are right to question what's going on. Him refusing to open up to gove an opportunity to examine where things are at or just walking out is not acceptable.

Original poster
Notsureaboutthisusername · 04/08/2014 10:53

He's just left again, I think it's over. He's basically unhappy and doesn't know why. But reading between the lines, he doesn't love me. I said if it was the end then that was it, I'm not doing the whole break up and get back together thing. He said ok, I think that's it then.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/08/2014 10:58

It sounds as though he just couldn't say it himself.

How are you doing?

Original poster
Notsureaboutthisusername · 04/08/2014 11:01

Really bad. Really bad. I told him to take our son to his mum's because I can't deal with him. But I just want to hug my boy.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/08/2014 11:48

I think you're going to have to dig deep, and for a long time Notsure. What do you do need right now to give you the strength to do this?

Original poster
Notsureaboutthisusername · 04/08/2014 11:54

I'm not sure. I just want someone to look after me and be kind to me.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/08/2014 11:59

Is there any friend or family you can call for that? It seems perfectly reasonable to me.

If not, perhaps you can book yourself in for a hand or hair treatment? I hope that sounds trite, but sometimes a caring touch is really helpful.

lanbro · 04/08/2014 12:00

Be kind to yourself. You can't control what people feel. If it's any consolation my sister's dp left when their ds was only 3mo after nearly 10 years together. Now, 5 months down the line she is a different person. He was making her so unhappy, I don't think she realised until he'd gone. She has no regrets and is doing a wonderful job with dn.

Once you have got over the shock I'm sure things will look very different xxx

Vivacia · 04/08/2014 12:02

I wish we could give you a hug and hold your hand OP.

Original poster
Notsureaboutthisusername · 04/08/2014 12:15

Thanks. I can't believe I have to be a single parent. I really can't.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/08/2014 12:44

I know, I know what you mean. Labels we never asked for.

Mum4Fergus · 04/08/2014 13:02

Bless you OP, I was in exactly same boat at Easter. It won't feel like it right now, but it does get better. Look after yourself xx

Original poster
Notsureaboutthisusername · 04/08/2014 13:18

Thanks. I'm too scared to tell my parents. They will be so worried.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/08/2014 13:21

What will they be worried about? And should they be?

MrsWinnibago · 04/08/2014 14:10

Well I suppose they'll be worried about the OP being sad and lonely and brokenhearted. But OP...it WILL get better...it will. It takes time but in a year you will look back and remember this awful feeling and think thank God that's over...I feel better now.

Original poster
Notsureaboutthisusername · 04/08/2014 16:07

Exactly winni

OP posts:
Spinaroo · 04/08/2014 22:36

So sorry to hear this OP. here to listen if needed and I agree with the other posters that you need to be know to yourself just now and also allow others- including your parents- to be kind to you.

Spinaroo · 04/08/2014 22:36

Kind not know

Original poster
Notsureaboutthisusername · 05/08/2014 07:00

I told my mum. She is furious I think (with him). I'm just so sad. Why am I so pathologically unlovable?

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 05/08/2014 08:14

Don't put yourself down OP. It's easy to get blinkered and view yourself as the problem but once the fig clears you will see him for who he is xx

Mum4Fergus · 05/08/2014 08:15

*fog

YvyB · 05/08/2014 09:00

Another one who's been there and survived, OP. Write off this week - you're in shock and if you manage to get dressed and eat something, count that as a victory. Nothing is SO urgent it can't wait a week. When you feel the panic hit, write down everything you're worried about so you can start working through your list when you're less fragile. I don't know if you work, but when my exp left me, my gp signed me off for a week so I could have a few days without that pressure too.

The next few weeks will be hard but just keep telling yourself that it is normal and you just have to ride it out. Get as much RL support as you can muster and keep posting here too whenever you feel overwhelmed.

Oh, yes - my exp... do I miss him? No, not at all. He got what he wanted out of me and swanned off to greener grass. Which turned out not to be greener. And neither was the next patch he swanned off to...

You will be fine, I promise. Feel free to pm me if you think I can help. Be kind to yourself xx