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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Me and my..

79 replies

RichPaInes · 02/08/2014 23:59

She does all thing, like washing and stuff,
But kinda angry, robot like, no emotion.

She has skin cancer, not sure if it has spread yet, so many mess ups.

She is very, well she doesn't speak to me.
She just stares...

I dunno, can someone help?

OP posts:
Original poster
RichPaInes · 03/08/2014 00:48

animatter, I do give her a hug...

OP posts:
Cluffyflump · 03/08/2014 00:48

Do you think you could help her find someone to talk to?
Maybe through her gp.
It could be that she's scared (like you) and can't find the words, let alone the head space to deal with the issues her illness may bring.

LittleLadyFooFoo · 03/08/2014 00:50

I think until you have been a cancer victim then we cannot share their feelings. Your wife may be so depressed that she has lost the ability to communicate. Maybe the drudgery of cooking, cleaning, etc gives her routine and keeps her busy and that is all she is capable of right now.
Perhaps both of you need to seek some counselling support through your GP. This may help her open up her lines of communication.
I'm sure she loves you but right now she is lost. She is a mother of children who is probably shit scared of leaving her children motherless.
It's very difficult. Does she have a close friend or family member who could support her?

Original poster
RichPaInes · 03/08/2014 00:50

It's my sister who is going to die, not my partner, hopefully..

Yes I tell her I love her, course I do.

OP posts:
LittleLadyFooFoo · 03/08/2014 00:53

Hopefully she won't die but as a grade 3 cancer, where she is unsure if it will spread, she is thinking worst case scenario. She sounds depressed.

VitoCorleone · 03/08/2014 00:56

Well she's probably very down, all you can do is be there for her

Sorry you and your family are going through this

Original poster
RichPaInes · 03/08/2014 00:59

LittleLadyFooFoo,

Yes she does speak to her mother and close friends, though I think that is very reserved in the respect of cancer, plus she hasn't told many people.

She is generally very reserved in that respect (cancer)

But, TBH, I don't think cancer is the issue here, it's actually communication (on any level)

OP posts:
Original poster
RichPaInes · 03/08/2014 01:01

Be there for her is no where enough..

Guys, you are women, seriously,

I don't want help about my sister or anything, I want help with my partner...

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 03/08/2014 01:04

Your posts are coming across quite mixed up which is why people are responding to different bits. They are trying to be supportive.

What do you want us to tell you? There is no secret woman language. We are all just people. Maybe being there for her isn't enough but it's all you can do. It must be very hard :(

Original poster
RichPaInes · 03/08/2014 01:09

So FFS, what I am saying, is I can deal with my sister dying...just ell me how to speak to my partner.

I can only deal with just about so much...but I need to understand this.
I take it most of you are women, so give me some proper insight please

OP posts:
LittleLadyFooFoo · 03/08/2014 01:09

Retread what we have written, we are trying to help you with your partner. Cancer is what is affecting the communication. You need to speak to her and possibly seek some professional counselling.
I'll bet she stares because if she opened her mouth she'd scream. She'd shout "why me?!". She is a mix of emotions and probably doesn't know how to communicate those in a way that doesn't hurt or sound angry. She is angry but she doesn't want to hurt you.
I feel for you all.

Bisou88 · 03/08/2014 01:09

Whats being women got to do with it? You asked for advice from (the majority of) women.

Your partner is a woman, going through a seriously hard time. If you want her to communicate, your going to have to communicate with her, if its not working, and the advise here isnt helping, then i dont know what to suggest.

BOFster · 03/08/2014 01:10

You haven't been at all clear- can you start again? You seem very upset, and we will help if we can, but please try to tell us what the situation is so we know.

hashtagwhatever · 03/08/2014 01:11

You need to sit down with your wife explain how you are feeling and see what she has to say?.

Can be easy for her, her own head must be a mess given she has cancer.

BertieBotts · 03/08/2014 01:12

Please don't get angry, we don't know your partner, everyone deals with this kind of thing differently. There probably isn't anything that you can say which is going to magically make it better. I understand that it's really hard and frustrating, we can't give you a magical solution.

Does she have family, friends? Have you spoken to them as well?

Original poster
RichPaInes · 03/08/2014 01:13

I just want to talk to my partner, to tell her I love her an that we as a family will be fine. That's all I want to tell her.

I probably have mixed emotions, but as a person, I am a generally kind, very non-aggressive person.

Just want to tell her, speak to her, we wil be fine, but I just see a blank

OP posts:
MorphineDreams · 03/08/2014 01:14

His posts are clear, his first language might not be english - it seems that way to me.

RichPaInes what you are experiencing is very very hard. Sometimes there is nothing you can do except just physically be there. Even if she doesn't speak to you, she knows you are there, and that may be helping her. Some people when faced with things like cancer go into a world of their own - it's how they cope. I think it shows that you are a good man and a good partner because you have tried to get help

Bisou88 · 03/08/2014 01:19

Have you tried writing her a letter?

It might seem a bit odd, but sometimes its easier to write down your feelings, than say them.

MorphineDreams · 03/08/2014 01:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bisou88 · 03/08/2014 01:23

If you look on Amazon, theres a journal called "Why i love you"

Its fairly cheap, and very sentimental, you fill it in and give it to your partner, it might open up the communication between you, if not, the least it will do is remind her of your love for each other and give her a sense of being.

Youll also feel connected to her whilst your filling it in.

Bisou88 · 03/08/2014 01:28

MorphineDreams, im confused Confused

Fairenuff · 03/08/2014 01:28

Is she taking anti-depressants and, if so, when did she start taking them?

Her reaction to the news of her illness is perfectly normal and natural. Anti depressants will help, as will counselling. What emotional support is she getting from the medical professionals?

MorphineDreams · 03/08/2014 01:31

bisouu I've replied to the wrong thread sorry!! I thought this was mine. Apologies

Fairenuff · 03/08/2014 01:31

Me too Bisou

Fairenuff · 03/08/2014 01:32

Ah