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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do I do?

85 replies

dreamingofblueskies · 01/08/2014 14:44

I've just found out that my husband of 14 years with whom I have 3 children (ranging from 13 to 6) has been sending messages on Facebook to a girl who he went to school with. The messages got more and more explicit and now I know what her vagina looks like.
I was on his Facebook this morning (I got suspicious about the way he was holding his iPad when he was messaging so decided to check his messages and now I wish to God I hadn't, I suppose you get what you deserve when snooping.)
I have no idea what to do, this is a nightmare that I never even imagined that I would have to face. I feel so incredibly sick and heartbroken.
He swears he has never done this before, I am unsure whether to believe him. He's in the military so has plenty of time away where he would have the opportunity to cheat 'properly', IYSWIM.
I just cannot see a way of ever trusting him again, and I cannot see a way past this. I used to think he was the greatest husband, now I don't know what to think.
Help me figure this out please!

OP posts:

Hobby2014 · 08/08/2014 16:30

I've been thinking about you OP and hope you're doing okay. X

Original poster

dreamingofblueskies · 11/08/2014 17:33

Not great at the moment hobby. Still don't know what to do. Have spent the week at my parents which kind of helped, but now I have to go back to reality.
On Wednesday he got a text purporting to be from someone called Eve asking why he had blocked her from Facebook. I know that this is the initial Facebook woman trying to stir things up as I have been in charge of his Facebook since this all kicked off and I did not block anyone.
She has obviously done this to wind things up, just when things were starting to calm down a bit and my reaction to this made me wonder if I can ever get over it.
I managed to speak to my BF and she was really surprised because she thought that he adored me because of the way he treats me and to be honest so did I.

OP posts:

VanitasVanitatum · 20/08/2014 15:26

If he deactivated his account his fb friends will probably think they have been blocked.

kaykayblue · 20/08/2014 16:31

Leave.

There's no trust there anymore.

And what he did was horrific.

Jan45 · 20/08/2014 16:38

Well you know different OP, he hardly adores you when he is getting his rocks off elsewhere, get rid or spend the rest of your life policing him like a child in case he is taking his trousers off for some other daft woman.

Original poster

dreamingofblueskies · 20/08/2014 16:42

I reactivated his facebook account almost straight away so that I could keep an eye on it in case anyone else was messaging him, so I don't think any one would think they were blocked.
I keep checking it every day, a bit compulsively actually.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 20/08/2014 16:46

Dreaming, is this how you saw yourself, checking up on a man who doesn't give a fuck, really - hope he is worth it, what a prize you have.

No trust = no relationship.

longtallsally2 · 20/08/2014 16:51

Dreaming, in terms of a career for you, have you ever had an Indian Head Massage? With your headaches, you would be very understanding of how people felt, and the benefits they can offer, and it is relatively easy to train to offer them. It could be a start of something new for you . . .

Just an idea

Original poster

dreamingofblueskies · 20/08/2014 17:08

Jan45 I understand where you're coming from, but he does give a fuck, honestly. I'm not one of those women who would put up with shit like this for no reason. He does have an 'explanation', and it's that he was under massive stress at work. It has just come out that he got a warning in March as he was promoted and has been treading water for a while. The OW has recently had a serious disease and he was trying to 'cheer her up' which would in turn make him feel better about himself. He says he couldn't tell me about the trouble at work because he didn't want to worry me.

And yes, I have told him that is fucking ridiculous and that nothing, absolutely nothing excuses what he has done and he agrees, he's just trying to explain where his head was at.

longtallsally that's a great idea actually, thank you!

OP posts:

Jan45 · 20/08/2014 17:35

You want to believe he does and of course you do, you want to stay with him, his actions say otherwise, look to his actions, not his words.

He also keeps the most important information from you, there is no team there, no partnership, just sneakiness and him getting his satisfactions outwith the marriage.

Good luck, not decrying you for trying, I hope it works out for you but try thinking with your head a bit more, listen to it, it's never wrong.

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