What do I do?

[dreamingofblueskies]

I've just found out that my husband of 14 years with whom I have 3 children (ranging from 13 to 6) has been sending messages on Facebook to a girl who he went to school with. The messages got more and more explicit and now I know what her vagina looks like.
I was on his Facebook this morning (I got suspicious about the way he was holding his iPad when he was messaging so decided to check his messages and now I wish to God I hadn't, I suppose you get what you deserve when snooping.)
I have no idea what to do, this is a nightmare that I never even imagined that I would have to face. I feel so incredibly sick and heartbroken.
He swears he has never done this before, I am unsure whether to believe him. He's in the military so has plenty of time away where he would have the opportunity to cheat 'properly', IYSWIM.
I just cannot see a way of ever trusting him again, and I cannot see a way past this. I used to think he was the greatest husband, now I don't know what to think.
Help me figure this out please!

[Darkesteyes]

If hes really serious about that he WILL back off and give you the time you need.

[ArsenicFaceCream]

Go through with the house purchase. It's stability for the DC. If you split you have option to stay in the house and agree a mesher order or similar.

Do you think your head would clear if you got legal advice, explored (self?) employment options (maybe v PT), sought a new neuro referal to check for any new migraine treatments etc. Generally explored your theoretical position and options post-split.

Skank's a horrible word BTW, but either they are both skanks or neither of them are.

[dreamingofblueskies]

I've actually got a neurologist appt on Monday morning, I've been seeing him for over 2 years and have reached a cluster headache diagnosis, but none of the therapies have worked.
You're right, skank is a horrible word, but that's how I see her at the moment, I see him as something a lot worse, but there isn't really a male word for it.
With jobs, I was stuck with being a military wife, can't afford childcare when he's away for 6 months at a time, and I just wanted to be there for the kids when their dad was away. Now I'm 35 and realise I have had no job experience for 10 years, and not many jobs that would accept the fact that I can't come in/have to go home 2/3 days out of 5 because of my head.
I really should try and get some sleep, just got to do this all over again tomorrow. Maybe I'll feel less sorry for myself after some sleep, I'm not normally this whiny, honest!

[WellWhoKnew]

Hello love, welcome to the club. Membership is not optional.

That's the bad news. The good news - you've arrived at a great place.

Firstly, I'd recommend 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. He's an American Therapist - don't let that you do the eyes to the sky thing (I did) but it's still worth the read. It'll help you think about your situation. It has a very interesting chapter on men in therapy abusing their wives with psycho-analysis. You may find your DH's words in that book. It may give you some perspective on the inner voice that speaks to you, which he may be quashing with his personal insight.

Your marriage does not have to end with this. However, only you can make that decision. The chances of you getting over this in the short term are nil, in the long term possibly.

Whatever happens in your marriage, whether you continue it, or dissolve it - make the decision with your eyes wide open.

The biggest factor we all feel when discovering a DH is having an affair (sexual or otherwise)/or being abandoned without warning - is how the hell we are going to pay the bills.

Almost all of us are in the middle/or recovering from a critical period in our lives. Those of us 'in the middle of' are often buying a house or other significant commitment, those in the 'critical period' are recovering from a period of illness. That's my take anyway.

That's before we even contemplate the reality of divorce - and how that re-defines us as people.

Divorce is more about the financials than the dissolution of the marriage. That's why, if you can, the first thing (irrespective of your readiness to leave or stay in the marriage) you need to find a solicitor/go to the CAB. Most solicitors give an hour's free consultation if you leave in a city/large town.

Every divorce is different - so do not rely on anecdotal stories/press/family to tell you what it will mean for you.

Seeing a solicitor is not the same as committing to divorce. It just explains your rights, and those of your children, should that option be the one you choose.

It is not as scary as you think.

But don't hit him anymore. You could end up with an assault charge. That doesn't bear thinking about.

Many of us here say we want to kill our husbands. In fact, many of us offer to join a queue to kill each other's husbands. But saying it is okay, doing it is not okay.

Keep posting - there's a ton of women here that can help you.

[ArsenicFaceCream]

You're not whiny -you're processing a shock.

I had a CV gap problem. It's tricky.

Self employment might be a thought. Something where you dictate your own hours (to allow for migraines) so not client facing. A skill of some sort?

You need a distraction ATM and it might frighten idiot bollocks a bit. I bet that in some corner of his brain, your financial dependence is a factor in his decision to take the piss, because he thinks he can.

Anyway - just an idea, FWIW.

Hope you manage some sleep.

[FlyingatWhitehorse]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. If you have people you can talk to please do, you need friends around you and this is hard to work through alone.

[Darkesteyes]

This would have been a deal breaker if it was me though tbh.

[coolaschmoola]

So sorry that this is happening to you.

You don't have to put up with him until Monday at all lovely - tell him to pack a bag and bounce his arse to the block/mess (depending on rank).

If he says it's not possible it is. If you want him to go for a few days and he won't ring Welfare and they will make him go into singlies accommodation.

I don't know if you can get past this, but I do know that you don't have to live with him whilst you decide. He's got government provided alternative accommodation. Preferably nasty basic transit accommodation with crap furniture, no amenities and a truly uncomfortable, narrow, knackered issue bed. Chuck a doss bag at him and tell him to bugger off while you think.

[dreamingofblueskies]

I don't think sleep is forthcoming, having a marathon Luther session instead, who knew it was so good?!
I have no skills, I'm pretty darn useless as human beings go.
He's always been into star signs and all that astrology stuff, psycho babble is just an extension of that for him I think. And despite all he's done he was a great husband, we would have so much fun together and he always made me laugh, I think it almost feels like he's died because the man I knew just doesn't exist for me anymore.
Thank you everyone for your advice, you are helping me as I have no close friends or family nearby so no one to talk to, I'd just love a cuddle right now. But the person who used to do that is the last person I want one from. Although if he came downstairs now and offered me one I would probably take it, I'm so tired and just sad.

[dreamingofblueskies]

Unfortunately his cabin on ship is probably as comfortable as our bed! I don't really want to kick him out as it would freak the kids out and I think they've been freaked out enough today. I know I should tell him to go, but I kind of want him around so that I can keep sniping at him, or maybe so that he can come up with some miracle solution, neither of which are a good reason to keep him here but he has literally been my whole life for 16 years and it's just second nature to try and keep him here with me, probably cause he spends so much time away with his job. God I sound and feel pathetic. I could just scream at the whole shitty situation.

[ArsenicFaceCream]

I have no skills, I'm pretty darn useless as human beings go.

Learn one. Anything. Book keeping. Silversmithing. Rabbit breeding.

16 years is a hell of a long time. Your brain hasn't caught up yet. It's too soon to decide anything really.

I got stuck in the first episode of Luther. Three attempts, dozed off each time. Should I persevere?

[dreamingofblueskies]

I think you should persevere, it's keeping me awake now anyway, it does help that Idris Elba is easy on the eyes.
I would like to learn something, just don't know what, everything costs too much money! Also doesn't help that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

[ArsenicFaceCream]

You've only got a few more years until you are grown up you know

Have you seen this new thing? www.gov.uk/advanced-learning-loans It's like student loans but for FE college courses that are roughly A level equivalent.

Might help.

You're right, of course, I'll just stare at Idris, sod the plot

Hope he takes your mind off things too.

[dreamingofblueskies]

Ah that's great about the bursary, thanks for that, I'll definitely look into it.
Luther is keeping my mind off the asshat, it makes me realise that things could be worse, I could have a demented killer hiding under my bed. or settee in this case

[chantico]

I was wondering when he started taking ADs.

Because the effects of infidelity on the cheating partner who is trying to minimise/rationalise his actions to himself could perhaps account for that.

You need to brace yourself for the possibility that what you know so far might not be the whole story. Some people want to know everything about the betrayals; others don't. If you asked him, do you think he would actually tell you the whole truth? Or would it be "too difficult"?

[dreamingofblueskies]

I would love to know everything, because I don't think it could be worse than what I'm thinking. I have asked him if there was anything else to tell me, as it would help me to figure it out, but he said no, that this was a one off thing and he would never do it again, he doesn't know why he did it, etc etc.
He also says that he has had plenty of offers for sex on the ship but he's always turned them down, and he felt good about turning them down because he was proud to be married to me. Obviously this doesn't make me feel great about the 6 month deployment he has coming up if I was to stay with him.
He started on AD's about a year ago, started coming off them about June.

[BluebellsandWhistles]

Sorry but I was a military wife for two years and saw this sort of thing almost daily. Cheating seems to be the norm in military circles. You have a big decision to make and it all depends on whether you can trust him again. I think you already know the answer to that one.

[chantico]

If he "doesn't know why he did it" then you can never have any reliance on him never doing it again. He's just not facing up to it, and unless he does (and learns from it) then it's hard to see how he could be trusted.

It is a shock, for the cheater too, when their selfish little bubble bursts. And they might say/do ill-considered things in an attempt to minimise/deny/make it all go away. But he's had one day to make the mental shift - are you going to give him much longer?

One thing to consider is telling him that such evasions are not acceptable. Ask him to leave, and tell him that unless/until he is prepared to face this properly (which starts with the full story) you see no point in contact.

[dreamingofblueskies]

After a night of no sleep watching TV on Netflix it all seemed almost unreal, then realisation came crashing down this morning and it hurt just as much as yesterday when I found out.
I told him that I didn't believe that this was the first time and I couldn't even start to process it til I had the truth. He insisted that it was the only time, but then he would say that, wouldn't he?

[PotatoesPastaAndBread]

Yes he would say that. dreaming I'm so sorry for what you're going through. All I can say is it sounds like you have a strong inner voice. Listen to it. You'll go back and forth, you'll have doubts, you'll hurt. But throughout make sure you listen to yourself more than anyone else. You've had your trust abused by him. But you know you can trust in yourself.

[midgeymum2]

How are you doing today dreaming?

[dreamingofblueskies]

I don't really know to be honest. He's still here, I'm still here, I've cried a lot, and it doesn't seem to be any better.
I just screamed at him last night, I have never ever felt that angry in my life and I just had to get in the car and drive for an hour because otherwise I would have just started hitting him and never stopped.
I am just so full of hate, mainly for my husband, but also for the woman he messaged. She has lost nothing over this, as far as I know her partner is oblivious to it all, whereas I have lost everything over something she started by sending a stupid picture. And I know, I know that it is my husband's fault and no one else's but I can't help hating her. Every time I stop and think I can see her face and fanjo and it makes me feel sick and just so so sad.

[midgeymum2]

Of course you hate her! You're bound to be angry, it was a horrible thing to do, a big shock and still very very early days. I think it's entirely natural to absolutely seething and probably quite cathartic to vent some of those feelings, as long as you are doing it in a healthy way - maybe going for a run or to the gym? It is horribly unfair and unjust. I guess life is just like that sometimes, and that sucks, but all you can do is work on making sure you are happy.

[machair]

"I did have to stop myself from throwing a boiling hot cup of tea at him once though". What happened? (I take it this was before you found out)

[dreamingofblueskies]

I was thinking to myself that just punching a punch bag would do me the absolute world of good but I have no gym clothes or membership. And if you saw my boobs you would see why I don't jog!

The tea incident was about 10 years ago, not long after the birth of middle dc. Looking back now I had a touch of depression (suffered on and off since 13, manifesting mainly in panic attacks). Long story short I was getting very little emotional support from him, he's never been good with 'bad' emotions due to screwed up childhood, sometimes he actually loses the ability to speak when we are arguing (or I am trying to argue, he never argues back) Anyway, somehow (I can't remember how) I found texts to and from a girl he was working with offering her support with her emotional problems. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was all it was as I took his phone and texted her pretending to be him, there was nothing sexual or inappropriate in the texts but I felt extremely betrayed that he was trying to help her but leaving me to deal with my own by myself. So when I confronted him about it he said it wasn't a big deal (not in such blunt words) and that's when I wanted to throw the tea, luckily(?) I threw it on the floor instead.

I had a lot of emotional problems before I met him (raped twice by 2 different men, (1 a stranger on a night out and the other an older man I was ending a relationship with) and the death of a friend at age 13) and he has tried to help me with these but he just doesn't seem to be emotionally able to.

I have body issues due to being overweight and he always tells me I'm sexy, the issues are mine alone.

I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him and if I was reading this instead of living it I would think that he's a total dick and that I needed to LTB but I honestly don't want to, I'm scared that I may have to though as I cannot see a way past this. If I could do a mind erase a la 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' I would erase the last couple of days and live happily in ignorance.

I never thought that he would do this to me and it feels like the man I knew for over 16 years died on Friday morning and was replaced by a bad clone. He used to make me laugh so much, I fancied him more than I did when we met and I just thought he was great, he was my best friend as well as my husband (cliche I know) but now he's like a stranger.

(Sorry for loooong post).