What do I do?

[dreamingofblueskies]

I've just found out that my husband of 14 years with whom I have 3 children (ranging from 13 to 6) has been sending messages on Facebook to a girl who he went to school with. The messages got more and more explicit and now I know what her vagina looks like.
I was on his Facebook this morning (I got suspicious about the way he was holding his iPad when he was messaging so decided to check his messages and now I wish to God I hadn't, I suppose you get what you deserve when snooping.)
I have no idea what to do, this is a nightmare that I never even imagined that I would have to face. I feel so incredibly sick and heartbroken.
He swears he has never done this before, I am unsure whether to believe him. He's in the military so has plenty of time away where he would have the opportunity to cheat 'properly', IYSWIM.
I just cannot see a way of ever trusting him again, and I cannot see a way past this. I used to think he was the greatest husband, now I don't know what to think.
Help me figure this out please!

I'm sorry but if this is what he does in front of you and the children, what the hell is he getting up to you when he's away. I don't want to rub salt in the wound but as from now you need to start thinking with your head and not your heart, not easy I know, but it is doable.

Get tough and tell him you need space to think. You can let him think it's over, even if you don't know what you want yet. I know it will be hard - try the fake it till you make it approach.

I have told him that I think it's over, I'm quite a vindictive bitch so I can't see that I could get over it, I guess I'm just looking for ways to get over it because I was so happy before.

It is not vindictive to know your own mind, your mind is telling you that this treatment is miles below your standards and expectations, that's a good way to be, nothing nasty about it.

I think under the circumstances, he's lucky you haven't actually chopped his knob off.

I am tempted! I would actually love to read all of the messages sent, I lost it (mentally) before I could read all of them. But he has deleted the messages and deactivated his Facebook account so they are gone forever. In a weird way I think it would have helped to read them all.

That's not being a vindictive birch, that's having self respect.

Not sure if I meant vindictive, more like very unforgiving. He has now got the fb skank to write a message for me to see that says that he only ever talked lovingly about me and that their chats were only ever chats.(I assume meaning that they never went further, but to be fair I knew that because she lives 350 miles away) WTAF?!

Oh well that's all right then eh?

Does he really think that's going to help?! Good grief!

So he's still in contact with her then?

And I seriously question their definition of 'chat'!!!

Exactly, I'm pretty sure I manage to keep my knickers on every single time I chat to anyone.
He reactivated his Facebook account to get her to send this message and has now deactivated it again. Of course I only have his word for it that he doesn't text her.
He says that he'll never have a Facebook account again and that he'll get itemised billing on his phone so that I can read it, but do I really want to live like that?

I wouldn't. Like you though I wouldn't be able to forgive this sort of behaviour, rightly or wrongly, and I would end up dwelling, suspecting, snooping and bringing it up in every argument, using it as a weapon to beat him with. No, really wouldn't want to live like that, it wouldn't be fair on either of us. But as I said earlier, it's much easier to be black and white when it's not happening to your marriage.

Is he making it your responsibility to police his actions, via itemized billing etc? Surely it should be his responsibility to prove to you that he can be trusted, not for you to check up on him after the event.

I had a similar experience a few months ago (also wished i had read all the messages before confronting him and he deleted everything). I haven't kicked him out, am trying to put it behind us - but it's very hard, and has had a very destabilising effect, none of the basic certainties exist anymore.

camtt, hope you're feeling a bit less wretched. How long did it take you to be able to talk to him without wanting to kill him? I just hate him at the moment.
I do wish there was a cure all that would tell me how to trust him again but I honestly don't think I will be able to, I don't want to turn into a distrusting harridan, which would surely drive him further away from me anyway?
I hate that he's done this to me, and I hate that the skank he did it with knows him IYSWIM, I'd prefer it was a stranger that didn't have anything to do with him, I keep wondering if she ever looked at my profile on Facebook and laughed at my declarations of love for the cheating shit.

he only ever talked lovingly about me

Holy shit. Whilst they exchanged photos of genitals, he only talked lovingly about you?

Becareful of calling her names, it can misdirect your anger in my opinion.

Dreaming, it's very up and down, but I don't talk to him about her anymore Nor to anyone else either). However, it brings the existing problems quite sharply into focus and silent bitterness is potentially a problem. I think you should do whatever works for you to feel happy with your life and future again.

That's what I'm scared of camtt, I think that I would probably never be able to get rid of the bitterness whether I stayed or not, so maybe being bitter at a distance is better? I've just spoken to myum and she's said not to rush into anything, and I won't, but I honestly can't see that I will ever be able to let the bitterness go.
Don't worry Vivacia, I am very much directing my anger at him! (Well, 90% maybe, she's got a partner and 2 dc so she is not innocent.)

I think your mum may be right, I would say wait, and only take action when you are completely sure it is the right thing for you (not just the thing you feel like doing to punish him, or the thing someone else expects you to do). I think was in a state of shock for several days, even weeks after I found out.You might still be sure about the right thing to do even through the shock, some people just know they have to get out of the relationship. But if you aren't sure, wait.

I've just spent the evening shouting at his (frankly pathetic) excuses and have actually hit him a couple of times, which I know I shouldn't do, but I am just so angry.
I honestly don't think I can get through this rage that I am feeling. I am just so heartbroken that this is probably the end of something I used to think was perfect. I have no idea what to do, and I hate not knowing.
I just looked back at all my old posts about him on Facebook and I feel sorry for the naive idiot I was.

You are not an idiot and you were not naive: you thought you were in an exclusive, respectful, loving relationship. That's presumably what you both agreed to when you married?

You really need to get him to leave for a while though. You need space to deal with this. You are quite right when you say hitting him is wrong.

I get so frustrated with my dh occasionally that I hit him. It doesn't hurt him. And no way is he scared, but quite frankly it shows how angry I am with him. So what!
Hope you're ok op.

When I say 'hit' I mean more of a shove.

I have never hit him before, I did have to stop myself from throwing a boiling hot cup of tea at him once though.
He's now blaming the withdrawal from his anti-depressants, I think I'd think more of him if he didn't try to blame it on anything. He's also trying to blame me for the time that my BIL tried to go to bed with me (DS's husband) and saying that it made him feel bad that I didn't want him to confront my BIL. I really don't know what that has got to do with anything but he's quite frankly waffling.
I do need to get away from him but I'm stuck here til Monday.

See a solicitor asap. Stay as calm with him as you can til then, get away if you need to, but no finality yet. You might be better off longterm if you buy the house together. You may be able to live there if you want to after, and may be better off financially, depending on cost of house etc. Also, if you present it as a temporary split you may get better treatment from him.

That sounds horrendously callous but with good reason. I regret not being slow and calm and calculating when splitting from my husband, as me and the kids will forever be financially worse off than if I had bided my time and planned the split. It seemed wrong at the time to stay with him a moment longer when I knew it was irretrievably over. Now I have a different perspective, as we are much worse off than we could have been, including my ex actually.

He's also trying to blame me for the time that my BIL tried to go to bed with me

Aside from the messages hes sent to another woman his blaming you for your BILs behaviour also shows hes the type to blame women for mens behaviour.

When someone tells you who they are .............

I am wavering about the house, as it would be good to have a house that we own no matter what happens. But we've been going through the purchase for 3 months now, and all that time I've been imagining how happy we would be in it. I just can't imagine living there with everything that's happened.
He's using the BIL story as an example of how messed up he was that he thought that I would cheat on him but now he realises that I would never do anything to hurt him. He's basically saying he's had an 'hallelujah I've seen the light' moment and that he should have had more self confidence.
He's using all kind of psycho analysis on himself and is blaming a shit childhood (it was messed up), stress at work and tablet withdrawal. I have to laugh at some things he's said, he sounds like he's in a film 'I want to fight for us'. But what if I think that the fight can't be won?
In short, and reading back on my messages, I want desperately to forgive him, but I'm terrified that I haven't got it in me.