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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Give me some tips to put the sparkle back in to my marriage

66 replies

naswm · 15/09/2006 13:49

DH and I have been together for 16 years. Married for 11. Two kids aged 4 and 2. We have had quite a lot of stress over that time due to unfortunate events, illness and otherwise. This has undoubtedly put a strain on our relationship. To the extent that we are now acquantances living together, who sometimes have sex, rather man and wife. It would be so easy to drift apart further. How can I stop that happening? I think we still love each other but there is no sparkle. Will we carry on like this until the kids leave home, then separate? (once nothing is keeping us together, I mean?)

PS DH works long hours so we hardly see him during the week - and the weekends are usualy full with me doing chores, him spending time with the kids etc, although I do try to get us all to have a meal togehter on Sunday, and go to the park or similar.

OP posts:
Medulla · 15/09/2006 13:52

Can you get a babysitter and go out once a week/fortnight /month? How about a candlelit dinner on a Saturday night (even if it's a takeaway)? Leaving him a note in his briefcase?

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 15/09/2006 13:57

My advice would be to pretend you've just started dating.......ie don't just try to jump into bed and sh*g . As above poster suggest, candlelit dinner, sitting cuddling/holding hands, just talk to each other - find out what you're interest are now! I bet they've changed - DH and I have only been married 7yrs but already our tastes and interests have changed quite considerably.

Just try and set a time aside after the kids have gone to bed to have some 'you' time.........and make sure you switch the TV and computer off

Original poster
naswm · 15/09/2006 13:58

I've been trying to get him to committ to coming home on a regular basis (ie once a fortnight etc) so we can have a night together for AGES - but he cant/wont do it. And the trouble is, by the time we get to Saturday night, I'm often not in the right frame of mind to put all the effort in. But maybe I should force myself. I like the note in the briefcase idea!!

OP posts:
Original poster
naswm · 15/09/2006 14:01

sitting cuddling/holding hands? OMG cant remember the last time we did that! I think we need some serious attention

OP posts:
Medulla · 15/09/2006 14:03

That's the thing if you want to make it work you do have to make the effort and it's hard. I've only been married 4 years, we have 2 children already and it does put a strain on your relationship. Tiredness (for us anyway) plays a big part, sometimes I would rather veg on the sofa than make a nice meal for (and most of the time I do just veg) but every now and then we make a special effort and its really worht it. A friend of mine told me that she and her husband choose a recipe they have never cooked and cook it together once a week when the children are in bed. They have a great laugh but it depends if you both like cooking I guess. What about getting into a series together, DH adn I love 24 and look forward to snuggling up on the sofa for an episode.

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 15/09/2006 14:04

nawm - honestly it works......DH and our relationship suffered somewhat when I developed vaginismus after DS1 was born. It got to the stage we hardly talked, let alone did anything else. Someone else advised starting 'from scratch' and it really worked. We got to know each other again which in turn got the intimacy stuff going again

Original poster
naswm · 15/09/2006 14:08

thanks you two. got to go now - but I will think through you ideas and try to do something.....

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 15/09/2006 14:08

Hi naswm (wish you'd change that name, we've met before on other threads and you are so not that woman, change it to the woman you want to be!! I'm considering changing mine but its part of me now!!)

DP and I rarely meet.....and like you we can't always be bothered when we do. We now make a much bigger effort to book time in advance. I booked my mum a month ago to babysit next Sunday so we can go for lunch and to see a photo exhibition we've both wanted to see for a while.

Daytime feels good because (a) you never normally have daylight hours free and (b) you get proper time off from the kids not just evenings when you're knackered.

They key I think is not so much about great sex (that will follow as and when) but more about doing something together that you are both keen to do. Ocassionally DP and I have breakfast together in a cafe with papers. We don't really talk much we just really enjoy eating and reading. These little things connect you and the brain associates the good time with the person you were with.

Don't look at the bigger picture, look at the small one xx.

Medulla · 15/09/2006 14:08

Good luck, hope it all works out for you

frumpygrumpy · 15/09/2006 14:20

The first couple of times you do something together it might not seem that enjoyable. I find it difficult to switch off and I used to get myself all strung up about preparing everthing at home before I left. It left me feeling that the effort outweighed the pleasure.

I still do but not so much now because I do it more and more and get more relaxed about it. It might take a few times get in the swing of it, but you're not going anywhere down the path you're on. Change the destination. Do it x.

Original poster
naswm · 15/09/2006 14:31

frumpygrumpy - you are right. Our anniversary is coming up so maybe I should plan somoething then.

Re my name - I know what you mean about chaning it. (thanks for saying that though. I do feel so much stronger than when I gave myself the name!) But, like you, naswm is part of me now. Although, I know psycologically, I should break free from her....

Getting back to my DH....do you think I should sayy that I am doing something to get us together, or justy arrange something? ie, do I let him know that I think there is a problem? Because I am sure he doesnt think there is one....

OP posts:
bigandstrong · 15/09/2006 14:35

hey frumpy what about this for a name?!?! If I do it, will you?? (thanks for prompting me to do it btw, should have done it a long time ago). Now all I need is to sort my marriage out....

crazydazy · 15/09/2006 14:48

I just like to surprise DP from time to time with some naughty underwear - it usually spices things up a bit. Sometimes he comes home with some for me too which puts me in the mood or I give him a massage which he loves.

I think its all too easy to neglect each other but its just all the more exciting when you do finally manage to make love, ifyswim?

Judy1234 · 15/09/2006 17:16

He probably does know there's a problem. If you "sometimes have sex" he might see that as a problem for a start, that it's sometimes.

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 15/09/2006 17:18

but bear (bare?) in mind there's no point in rushing straight in with the 'physical' side of things if the emotional bits need working on first.....

Medulla · 15/09/2006 17:20

As Xenia says he probably does know there's a problem but I would just do something and not tell him why. It may lead to a conversation about how you are feeling or maybe a couple of days later you could refer back to the nightin question and talk about how you feel but enjoy the moment.

Crazy my DH would love it if I put on some saucy underwear for him but since having the 2 children my figure has changed so much I just can't bring myself to do it

joelallie · 15/09/2006 17:29

It's a good question. I think that's the way a lot of relationships go after a while - ours goes in phases - sometimes we're like house mates sometimes we're a loving couple.

I think writing down how you feel and giving it to hin to read when he's not there would be a good idea. I have a variation on the 'note in the brifcase' idea - I make sure that he knows a sh*g is in the offing in no uncertain terms before he goes to work - ensures he's thinking of you all day. I know you said not specifically sex but it does help.

We used to go out regulary on Tuesday when my mum would babysit but she's getting on a bit and found it too hard. That really helped our relationship.

Original poster
naswm · 15/09/2006 17:33

Thanks for the posts everyone. This isnt about sex though! It is about our everyday life! Or am I being completely dim here, and maybe if we get the sex right then the rest will fall in to place? I am not so sure of that though......

OP posts:
Medulla · 15/09/2006 17:36

I think it's the other way around. If you get yopur everyday life right then the sex will follow, DH would say differently!! You're not alone in how you feel

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 15/09/2006 17:38

I'm with Medulla - I think if you get everything else right the sex life will fall into place. There's no point in having frequent sex in the emotional bit of the relationship isn't quite right.......

Original poster
naswm · 15/09/2006 17:41

I agree you two - but as everyone had gone on about sex I thought maybe I was wrong. Back to the drawing board then..........

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joelallie · 15/09/2006 17:43

But without sex your relationship will struggle. Speaking as someone with a low sex drive I still recognise that it's a vital part of our life together. We get on better and are less snappy with each other. However I recognise it's not the only issue. You need to open negotiations with how you feel.

Medulla · 15/09/2006 17:44

I find it's so different for me than for DH. If we can't be intimate etc on a daily basis then I find it really hard to be intimate in the bedroom (or wherever!!), he's the opposite - we're working on it at the moment and we're getting there. You will too, just a bit of time and effort

Original poster
naswm · 15/09/2006 17:49

Oh this is so hard. I can see why we just drift along and nothing ever changes.......

OP posts:
HRHQueenOfQuotes · 15/09/2006 17:58

But without sex your relationship will struggle.

NO it won't - if everything else is 'healthy' is shouldn't be an issue. And this is from someone who had sex 4 or 5 times in 5yrs (due to the vaginismus). There are PLENTY of ways to 'satisfy' your DH/P without intercourse........trust me . However, no intercourse without a stable emotional relationship WILL cause problems.