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Original poster

Give me some tips to put the sparkle back in to my marriage

66 replies

naswm · 15/09/2006 13:49

DH and I have been together for 16 years. Married for 11. Two kids aged 4 and 2. We have had quite a lot of stress over that time due to unfortunate events, illness and otherwise. This has undoubtedly put a strain on our relationship. To the extent that we are now acquantances living together, who sometimes have sex, rather man and wife. It would be so easy to drift apart further. How can I stop that happening? I think we still love each other but there is no sparkle. Will we carry on like this until the kids leave home, then separate? (once nothing is keeping us together, I mean?)

PS DH works long hours so we hardly see him during the week - and the weekends are usualy full with me doing chores, him spending time with the kids etc, although I do try to get us all to have a meal togehter on Sunday, and go to the park or similar.

OP posts:
Original poster
naswm · 15/09/2006 18:00

But this is not about sex. It;s about evedrything else. I know that fill fall in to place. How do I get everyrthing else back to that lovey-dovey state??????

OP posts:
joelallie · 15/09/2006 18:01

I didn't say intercourse - I said sex. I still maintain that a relationship without any kind of sexual contact will be hard to maintain - unless it has been previously accepted that it will be an asexual relationship.

Medulla · 15/09/2006 18:01

Effort, doing nice things for each other, dinner, surprise babysitter and go to the cinema....can't think of anything else at the moment

joelallie · 15/09/2006 18:04

Lovey-dovey...hmmm? Can't quite remember that stage . Be considerate of each other, be patient with each other, show interest in each other. Make sure that you both know that you are important in each other's lives.

Hard to acheive with young kids I know. We don't always manage it. There are times when we are ships that pass in the night.

Original poster
naswm · 15/09/2006 18:09

maybe I'll just forget about it. Somehow this afternoon I was keen to get my marriage back on track but now I dont know if I have the energy to put all the effort in. Ahd I know he wont put in any effort.

Ho hum, back to the drudgery I guess. I'll just stop moaning and pretend everything is rosy.

OP posts:
riddleywalker · 15/09/2006 22:03

Can you talk to him about it? I am in the same situation, (although we have been together for 12 years but married for less than 2). Now and again I try to initiate conversations about our relationship, with the aim of 'sorting it out' but never get very far. We have got to the point on a few occasions of agreeing to separate but enver get round to doing it... that's how apathetic we are. We are not affectionate with each other, hardly have sex, don't do much together but deep down I do love him and I'm sure he loves me. I suppose I have to accept that the 'being in love' phase has passed and we are different people now. I also resent that it's always me trying to sort things out (e.g. I have just booked a babysitter for next Friday - our first night out since January!). Like you, I go through periods of wanting it to be different and really 'try' to make things better, and then sink back into the monotony of a long-term relationship. He is a decent, caring person, but like a lot of (not all) men, is basically selfish and happy to jog along as long as he is getting what he wants. Some of the advise on here just wouldn't work for us - pmsl at the thought of candlelit dinners or holding hands and cuddling!!!! I don't think we even did that at the beginning... it was more rampant shagging & wild nights out clubbing.

I think I might look into getting a counsellor through Relate. Someone I worked with had a similar relationship problem and after it came to a head, they tried Relate and it seems to have worked. Have you thought of this?

BTW, I have stopped even pretending everything is rosy and now I am just grumpy!

Molton · 15/09/2006 23:22

I know you've all said that the emotional bit is much more importnat than the sex (one has to come before the other) but in my experience, men see things the opposite way round (sex first - inspries the emotional feeling. ) Works for them 'cos their brains are wired differently from ours. Maybe a small experiment to get down to some frequent sex for, say a f rtnight and see whether this makes a difference.?

frumpygrumpy · 16/09/2006 11:19

BIGANDSTRONG, YEAAAAHHHHHHH!! I like it and its much nicer to type. naswm was a nothing name, leave it behind.....even if you don't always feel bigandstrong, it is your secret soul .

I'd be inclined to keep it light and arrange the babysitter and then tell him you've done that and ask what he fancies doing. Remember what I said about daytime, often it feels a little more fun because evenings can be predictable, food, nothing special to talk about, pressure on to enjoy yourself and the pressure can end up in a fall out.

I'd start making it fun without him. So if he doesn't realise theres a problem, let it be that way (for now). Start allowing some time for each other into the relationship without him really knowing. Arrange a lunch, be light and smiley, talk about anything but serious stuff and let him enjoy it. It will jog the brain into realising that there are nice times to be had within this relationship and remind his mind that he wants to be with you.

If he feels it was fun, he's more likely to be open to doing it again and more likely to not feel like he's being nagged about the relationship when you do decide to chat about it. I'd have a few light daytime dates before having an evening one that maybe involved a bottle of wine and either a chat about "I miss this, can we not have this more often" or some lovely sex!

It is important to do some stuff without the kids, its the only way the stress lessens and you can't hide behind them. Don't expect anything big overnight, it probably took 11 years to get here so it'll take a while to change it.

Is this helpful? Or total ramble?

Reply as bigandstrong please .

frumpygrumpy · 16/09/2006 11:21

I've been with my DP 12 years and I don't know if the lovey-dovey state remains after the first few years. Its not about that anymore. Its deeper. If you were dying who would you want to be holding your hand?

Original poster
naswm · 17/09/2006 17:17

Thanks for your posts. No time to respond in any detail atm - cooking tea. But I'll come back later.

frumpy - your comment about dying has really made me think. It has hit me hard actually. Because, do you know, my initial thought was not him. How sad is that?

OP posts:
Original poster
naswm · 17/09/2006 17:18

oops sorry still signed in as naswm - trying to do too much at once!

OP posts:
FatThighs · 19/09/2006 10:14

When I read that it wasn't him to hold your hand it made me very sad. But it seems that you are preapred to put the effort in and so in a few months it may be him you want again.

What I was going to say seems flippant after what I have just read but I am going to say it anyway.....

When we went through a rocky patch my friend ave me this advice. think about the most romantic relationship - either yours at the beginning or a fictional one. then you pretend that your relationship is like that. Don't tell him or ask him anything (in my experience men are not really into that) just act like you are completly in love with him - pretend. Tell him you missed him when he was at work or you have been thinking about him all day, think of some times when you had really good fun together adn drop them into conversation. Just act like you enjoy his company. If things have been rocky it may seem hard - but tell yourself you are just pretending to see what happens. It may be enough for you to see beyond the state you are in at the minute.

Best wishes

mumblechum · 19/09/2006 11:00

My DH also works long hours and is abroad 1 week in 4. I work PT and am off on Wednesdays. What we've been doing for the last year or so is DH books annual leave for every 4th Wed and we go out for the day together. We live in beautiful countryside so we go out for a long walk and a pub lunch and arrange for ds to go to a friends if we're not back in time. It's not thrillingly exciting, but it means we talk about all sorts of stuff and keep communications open. If it's rainy, we stay in bed! The most important thing in a marriage is to make time for each other without kids around. Kids grow up and away but a husband is for life (if you're lucky!)

frumpygrumpy · 19/09/2006 23:02

talk to us bigandstrong, talk to us........

I wish I hadn't thrown in the bit about "who would you want to hold your hand". You know, it doesn't mean you'll not want it to be him ever again, just that you are angry with him right now for not feeling what you are feeling.

frumpygrumpy · 19/09/2006 23:04

I like your suggestion FatThighs (and I love your name, its so...so......so raw and real....and me

FatThighs · 21/09/2006 18:41

Well straight back at you - I think I could also live up to the name frumpygrumpy!!!

lazyanna · 22/09/2006 18:06

Is "drifting along" such an awful state of afairs when you hit 40? I am a lot hapier since I started to expect less.

bigandstrong · 23/09/2006 09:59

I have stopped myself from posting for a few days because I have just felt too raw emotionally about all this. But I didnt want to ignore you all, after you tried to help me.

Things are not good between my H and me. And, in fact, I can no longer be bothered to put the effort in any more. I dont think there is anything more I can do. If it wasnt for the kids, and my faith, I'd leave. I cant see our marriage improving. I am incredibly sad about it, but I guess I will get used to it. It's also very lonely and hard work pretending to the outside world and playing 'happy families' when the reality is very different. But, I must not complain too much. Things could be a lot worse. We dont fight. He is not violent. He provides for us and I have a safe, stable home.

Thank you for all your tips etc. I did think things could improve, and we could be happy together again, but I think it has just gone too far to be salvaged. So it's just a case of learning to live with it now - and carry on acting the part.

frumpygrumpy · 25/09/2006 14:08

b&s I'm sad for you. I seem to remember meeting you on a 'feeling depressed' thread (I wish they'd call them 'feel like ripping off someone's head' threads, a bit more glam really ). When I feel low, it take so much out of me, so much energy just to scrape through the day. Could this be playing its part? Hang on.

Maybe its these times you need each other the most.

I have times I wonder if DP and I could be happier. But deep down I know we're dealing with busy, busy lives, lots of people rely on us old and young, and the stress levels are high and deep down I know if we can hang on then it will settle again.

Original poster
naswm · 25/09/2006 14:39

thanks frumpy. I think a lot of what you have said is right, altho for me, coming out of my depression has made things between us worse, as I can see more clearly and think more rationally about it all. and the bottom line is that i have fallen out of love with him. Maybe it will come back. I dont know. I'd like to think it will. But I dont know how to make it happen. Time will tell I guess.

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 27/09/2006 14:15

Just keep hanging on. I have had a few phases of feeling like this with my DP. It doesn't mean it will last. Keep posting x.

FatThighs · 27/09/2006 18:03

yes I agree.

Time can do so much more than you think it can and can make things much clearer. Do not act of the spur of the moment and just focus on getting through the next week - don't get too introspective on the whole 'what is it all about' line. take small steps and keep things ticking over and be nice to yourself.

Original poster
naswm · 27/09/2006 18:11

OMG I've discovered that he has planned a surprise for Saturday night . And arranged a babysitter . How am I going to cope with this???????????

OP posts:
DumbledoresGirl · 27/09/2006 18:15

he loves you naswm and this is trying to prove it. Open yourself up to him - he deserves that.

frumpygrumpy · 27/09/2006 18:19

Go with the flow and 10/10 to him for trying. It might not feel quite right for you but go with the flow. Think how you would feel if it was the first night you met him...how did you feel then?

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