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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just doesn't care about me :-(

77 replies

Curlycurlysue · 31/07/2014 20:54

We are supposed to be getting married in June next year but he never brings it up, never mentions it and never talks about it if I bring it up. He's said we'll "discuss and book in october" and now he tells me he's going away in October. All I said to him was "can you reassure me that we will still organise and book our wedding in october in spite of you going away?" and he went off on a massive huff being sarcastic saying "no, I will never discuss marriage with you because I'm an awful, horrible person!" and he's now saying he's reconisdering marrying me at all because of "my behaviour". I feel he's just playing with my insecurities, he knows I'm paranoid that he doesn't really want to get married and he's actually playing with it,

I'm heartbroken. All I wanted was reassurance that he wouldn't use work as an excuse not to organise our wedding (past experiences - he won't concentrate on anything if something else is looming first).

He won't give me the reassurance, he just rips the piss out of me, does impressions of me and hurts me. I don't understand why. Im sat here with tears rolling down my face. I give up, I really do.

OP posts:
enderwoman · 31/07/2014 22:04

I think your problem is that you don't care about yourself Sad

You deserve better.

HumblePieMonster · 31/07/2014 22:05

he isn't going to change - not for the better, anyway. take all the advice above and get out while you can. begging for a wedding is no way to go about it.

ChangelingToday · 31/07/2014 22:05

I think he wants you to dump him now that he's taken your money. Sounds like you do have a paper trail there though, you really should see a solicitor now and get it sorted ASAP. You deserve so much more than this poor excuse for a man.

CharlotteCollins · 31/07/2014 22:06

Don't suppose there is £2k in the joint account?

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/07/2014 22:08

Is there a wedding fund you can raid to reimburse yourself or at least give yourself running away money?

borisgudanov · 31/07/2014 22:11

What a horrible controlling manipulative bastard. And a cocklodger to boot. Vile.

Can you not just hoick the money back put of the joint account and bugger orff?

TBH though no amount of money is worth shackling yourself to a twunt of this stature for.

Original poster
Curlycurlysue · 31/07/2014 22:18

he always said that once he had the money he would pay me it back into my account. Well he recently got £5k off his mother after the sale of her house. He paid off the overdraft and then squirreled the rest in a savings account. This told me everything I needed to know.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollins · 31/07/2014 22:23

That might be a conversation to have before the "don't really care if we never plan a wedding" one, then.

Branleuse · 31/07/2014 22:24

You have no idea just how happy you can and will be without this albatosser round your neck

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/07/2014 22:36

This told me everything I needed to know.

Yes Sad

Finney2 · 31/07/2014 22:40

Ok it's 2 grand. Yes it's a lot of money but it's definitely not enough to consider throwing the rest of your life away over.

He sounds like a complete prick, I'm afraid.

Rissolesfortea · 31/07/2014 22:48

2 grand is a small price to pay to be rid of this wanker. Cut your losses and lose the tosser.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 01/08/2014 07:47

He is doing you a favour by not planning this wedding.
Atm you are heartbroken and love him. That will change. Your options will become increasingly diminished over time. He will further erode your self esteem. It will affect your mental health, your finances and the well being of your child.
Seek legal advice.
Id recommend womens aid
Or ask your hv or local childrens centre about a local dv support agency.
You have a great future without him.
Talk to someone in rl.

antimatter · 01/08/2014 07:57

if you go as far as organising your wedding that will be going out of your pocket too!

bleedingheart · 01/08/2014 08:02

Please stop trying to understand him or to ascribe decent characteristics to him.

He doesn't want to marry you.
He doesn't respect you.

Do you really love him or have you just told yourself this to make all the crap worthwhile?

Real love and a great relationship are not difficult. It's the easiest thing in the world.

Get legal advice.
Get away.
You won't get the £2k if you stay anyway so you could view this as something you're willing to lose in return for restored self-esteem and peace.

I just want to give you a big hug, I wish you could see that being single is far better than a relationship with a bullying little arsewipe.

Cabrinha · 01/08/2014 08:15

If someone said a one off payment of £2K would take away the utter shit way you feel right now, you'd consider it a bargain.

You can't marry someone who you don't like and who doesn't like you, because they have your money. It makes NO SENSE.

"I married him because he stole money for me" - see? NO SENSE.

Here's the good news - you have an income, and you don't have any responsibility to the house.

Speak to CAB /WA/ a solicitor. Set up to stay with a friend, or a house share, anything... then clean out the joint account and take anything in the house that you paid for that you can sell. And GO. He's an arsehole.

s88 · 01/08/2014 08:21

Why have you created 2 threads about this.. Hmm

TheRealAmandaClarke · 01/08/2014 08:29

why have you started two threads about this?
Maybe because she is struggling with a difficult decision and her conflicting emotions are making it hard to focus on the necessary action.
Asking a question many times might seem pointless but it can also help e questioner unpick and iron out the situation, making it easier to understand and galvanising their thoughts.

chaseface · 01/08/2014 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CharlotteCollins · 01/08/2014 08:46

It's great that you're getting angry, btw.

Keep talking. Talk to WA as well if you can when he's not around. Tell them everything that worries you about the relationship and think about how they can support you if you want to get you and your DC out of it.

RedRoom · 01/08/2014 20:28

If he wanted to marry you, he wouldn't use work as an excuse not to plan a wedding to you, and if he was a nice enough guy then you wouldn't need to worry that he might do. It sounds like you know that you can't trust him to be honest about his feelings and that you can't communicate freely. He's told you outright that he is having second thoughts about marrying you and refuses to plan the wedding, which is just about the biggest warning bell that can possibly sound in terms of how well any marriage is going to go.

On top of that, you say that this man mimics you, laughs at you sarcastically, has no balls to talk about how he feels, speaks to you as if you are a child and makes you miserable. This is all in the happy engagement stage of your relationship. Do you really want to find out what he's like when this stage ends? For god's sake don't marry him, or you'll be trapped in a marriage with this nasty specimen as your husband. All of the warning signs are there. You aren't compatible.

Re the money. The loan money is a complication, but not a reason to stay with him. I'm not saying that lightly just because it isn't my own money: I lost several thousand getting rid of the albatosser that I'd bought a house with (thanks, Branleuse- I like that phrase) but it was the best thing I ever did. I was 28 or thereabouts, and convinced I'd never fall in love again or marry. I had zero family money, zero savings, and I didn't earn loads, but I still don't regret it. It freed me from all the unhappiness and I met my husband 18 months later.

Start by looking in that joint account and seeing what sort of money you could claw back. Do you have any sort of relationship with his mum? Could you tell her that the money she gave him has lined his account rather than repaying you? Can you not ask him directly for the money in his savings account which, after all, is yours since he owes you several grand? Fucking hell, he's a selfish bastard. I'm getting angry just typing this thinking that he owes you thousands and has taken that money for himself, knowing you aren't even on the paperwork for the house.

Bear in mind that you hold the trump card: all the mortgage debt is in his name, meaning you can stop paying him at any time you choose. You may wish to mention that you skipping a few payments would help you recover the money you lost when you gave it to him for the house.

Squidstirfry · 01/08/2014 21:23

Curley's other thread was removed with the message
Message from MNHQ: We have reason to believe the OP is a previously banned poster so we've zapped this

Was this not the right reason? Sorry it's v confusing.

I feel for you as you have posted before under a different name right?, but this man is an arse don't let 2k get in the way of your whole life's happiness and your DC's wellbeing. Please listen to the experts.

ThePinkOcelot · 01/08/2014 21:56

OP, come on. Give yourself a shake!!! How much more of his shit are you going to take. Have some self respect and kick him to the kerb!! FGS!!

overslept · 01/08/2014 22:22

OP I was in a similar position. My ex used to promise he would marry me, he knew it was very important to me and he also used it as a way to control me. It started with promises, then promising he would book it and then in the end it never happening. He would use it as leverage and if I didn't do as he wanted he would hint that the wedding would be off again. After 5 years and countless promises of it being booked by a certain month, booked before my birthday etc I realised what I was letting him get away with. I told him I would never marry him. We split up, I said I wanted to stay friends.

I get emails from him now calling himself hundreds of names, saying he was a fool, cruel and how much he regrets it and still loves me etc. I would never get back with him though.

It was horrible and has left some emotional scars, I sometimes still get really down reading wedding threads on here, seeing a wedding on tv, when I look through my drawer and see what I would have worn as my "something old", anything about marriage really.

Morloth · 01/08/2014 23:03

Dump him.

No point throwing good money after bad.