Boyfriend Doesn't Want Kids. Ever.

[AnyonesGhost]

Hi all,

First time on this board, with a question I am sure you have seen 100s of times.

I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years, living with each other for a little over 2. He has always been back and forth on children but was kind of in the middle. I have always wanted a child, which he knows. I am 30 and he is 32.

Last Summer his 7 year old daughter moved in with us from across the country (her mother got into trouble and lost custody). I take care of her like she was my own, but she constantly makes sure to tell me that I'm not really her mom or really her stepmom. Anyway, he and his daughter are really close and he loves having her around. I thought this would push him over the edge of wanting another child within a few years. This has somehow triggered the exact opposite reaction. Yesterday in conversation he told me that since his daughter gets jealous very easily, it would be hard and unfair on HER if we had a child because she wouldn't be the focus of attention. Also he feels bad of the issues she is having because her mother lost custody (he and his ex broke up before their daughter was born. If you met her you would know why haha). He also brings up the 'we cant afford them' card, even though we could. We both have good paying and steady jobs. I get a lot of "I want my child to be spoiled" but I am like "What about OUR child?". Yesterday he flat out told me he doesn't want another child and doesn't want to hold me back if I do. He is tired of discussing it and that he is 100% sure.

I really don't know what to do. Yes I want a family, but I dont want to lose him at the same time. We've built a home together. A life together. It is not that easy to walk away. It is also not that easy to wonder. I have never loved someone as much as I do him, and I feel I regret my decision either way.

Any advice? I am feeling hopeless.

"It would be a deal breaker for me. If he's willing to lose you over it he obviously doesn't care about your happiness much"

You don't sign up for a child to keep someone else happy! By the same token, she "obviously doesn't care about his happiness" if she's not prepared to not have a child.

I'm sorry OP, but I don't think you have a choice to make.

"I don't want to hold you back" means I want to split up and I'm looking for a reasonably tactful way of doing it.

His reasons may or may not be true, but the bottom line is that he doesn't want kids WITH YOU.

I know it's hard, I've been there! I hope you meet a fab chap and you have all the gorgeous children that you want.

You only have one life. Make the most of it - move on.

I'm another that doesn't think he has been a knob - you're 30, if he was a knob he'd have told when you're 35+, DD has grown (after you've been bringing her up) and time really is running out to have a healthy baby naturally. Let us know what happens OP.

You have to leave if you want a child. I think he's been completely honest with you and he isn't ever going to change his mind. No matter how much you love this man or how wonderful your time together has been this is something that neither of you can compromise on.

You sound like a wonderful person and I'm sure there are many men out there who would be delighted to have a child with you.

I divorced my ex husband because of this very reason. He told me after we were married that children weren't part of HIS plan . I think he was expecting me to just suck it up and give up my dream of having a family. So he was very surprised when I left him

I now have my gorgeous wonderful amazing son who is quite frankly the light of my life. Don't compromise you only have one life. If children are what you really want those feelings won't go away they will just get worse over time, especially as you are looking after his child.

I would chose mini boomer anyday and have no regrets whatsoever. I was 30 when I met boomer's dad so you can still find 'the one', plenty of time.

A friend of mine split with her live-in bf (had bought and furnished home together) of many years because he wasn't ready for children. Got new bf, moved in together, married and then had dc. Think she was very clear about what she wanted out of any further relationships. Ex bf regrets it now and is pursuing same dream with another (much younger) woman.

Another friend split with his long-term, live-in gf (also bought, renovated and furnished home together) as "wasn't ready for marriage and kids". Promptly met someone else and they had their first dc a year later. Marriage and further dc followed.

So definitely a case of the person not being right, not their attitude being fixed. Think there was a bit of this in the first case.

I generally agree with the advice given i.e. leave if children is something you want.

However don't assume it will easy to find your 'baby daddy'. For every Mumsnetter that met a suitable husband right after splitting with a tinewaster ex, there's others who've not done that. My experience of single men out there in their 30's is not necessarily that they are looking to settle down. Lots of them have not settled down already for a reason!

However I would much rather be single and enjoying single life to the full than with someone who doesn't have the same life goals as me. And at least this way I have the chance of meeting someone who does have the same life goals. Or can choose to go it alone if I want to.

stay = no kids of your own, might split anyway

leave = the chance of kids of your own.

That's what it boils down to.

I prickled a bit when someone described their friend's who'd left her ex for this reason and was still single situation as being "very sad". I disagree, it's worse to settle. That would be very sad in my eyes.

The posters who are saying things like give yourself a year to get over it, a year to meet someone else etc are making me chortle a bit. Genuinely wish it was that simple. If only this stuff worked to a schedule!

Friend has not long split up with his gf. He made it quite clear at the start of their relationship he didn't want kids yet (in their late 20's) and didn't know if that feeling would change.

Anyhow, fast forward on a year into the relationship, and she has this '5 year plan' which includes having children within that time scale. Again he told her he wasn't ready for kids, and it was an unfair demand on him as he didn't know how he would feel next year let alone in 5 year time. Her reaction to that was that if he didn't get her pregnant then she'd find someone who would (and have an affair to do it).

Needless to say, he quickly stamped that relationship on the head. It will only lead to resentment either way. Have a baby - he'll resent you for doing it, don't have a baby and you'll resent him for denying that.

If you can't deal with that then don't flounder in a relationship that is never going to see eye to eye on this. Move on and find someone who wants the same as you

Agree with deepest.
I get a lot of "I want my child to be spoiled" but...

What's this all about? Who in their right mind wants a spoiled child? Who in their right mind wants to live with a spoiled step child?

Op has got lots of replies saying leave... And gone quiet. Hope you are ok, op.

Hello, suggest YOU do what you feel is right

eg My friends were together 10 years no children, happy, then
split up
The man met a younger woman, had child within a year

If you want your own children, leave and find someone else to have a family with

Write a list of non negotiables, what you want to be happy in your life

goodluck

I wonder where the OP has gone.

NotNewbutnamechanged, if your friend had stayed with that man though, she would not have known what she knows now. She would have resented him and constantly thought that if she'd left she would have met someone else sooner. I hope things still work out for her.

I know of someone who was in a long term relationship, she wanted children and he didn't.

They split up, he then met someone who not only had children already but they now have a baby of their own. So it turned out it wasn't that he didn't want children, he just didn't want them with her.

If you want children or even if you are undecided, you have to leave. I met my exh nearly 20 years ago, he said he didn't want kids very early on. I loved him very much was undecided about children so I stayed. 20 years on, we are divorced and I never had that family. A massive mistake on my part to stay & sacrifice my chance to have kids to be with him, especially as he wasn't worth it anyway! Now my childbearing years are over and it's something I'll always feel sadness about.

Leave.

This is one of those deathbed questions -what will you regret most at the end of your days? Staying with this man and never having children, or leaving and having your own family. Bet it's the former.

Go, cut contact (rip the plaster off). There's always the chance he'll come to a different conclusion when he sees that this really is a deal breaker but I think you have to be clear it really is over.