Boyfriend Doesn't Want Kids. Ever.

[AnyonesGhost]

Hi all,

First time on this board, with a question I am sure you have seen 100s of times.

I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years, living with each other for a little over 2. He has always been back and forth on children but was kind of in the middle. I have always wanted a child, which he knows. I am 30 and he is 32.

Last Summer his 7 year old daughter moved in with us from across the country (her mother got into trouble and lost custody). I take care of her like she was my own, but she constantly makes sure to tell me that I'm not really her mom or really her stepmom. Anyway, he and his daughter are really close and he loves having her around. I thought this would push him over the edge of wanting another child within a few years. This has somehow triggered the exact opposite reaction. Yesterday in conversation he told me that since his daughter gets jealous very easily, it would be hard and unfair on HER if we had a child because she wouldn't be the focus of attention. Also he feels bad of the issues she is having because her mother lost custody (he and his ex broke up before their daughter was born. If you met her you would know why haha). He also brings up the 'we cant afford them' card, even though we could. We both have good paying and steady jobs. I get a lot of "I want my child to be spoiled" but I am like "What about OUR child?". Yesterday he flat out told me he doesn't want another child and doesn't want to hold me back if I do. He is tired of discussing it and that he is 100% sure.

I really don't know what to do. Yes I want a family, but I dont want to lose him at the same time. We've built a home together. A life together. It is not that easy to walk away. It is also not that easy to wonder. I have never loved someone as much as I do him, and I feel I regret my decision either way.

Any advice? I am feeling hopeless.

I also think you should leave. Thank your stars that you're only 4 years in this relationship. Don't waste any more time, even if he gives you a glimmer of hope at a later point. Believe him when he says he doesn't want another child.

This happened to my friend and she chose to stay with her man and have no children even though she desperately loved him.
Cue him leaving her in her 40s after having an affair and he went on to have 2 DC with OW.
Don't make the same mistake as her. Leave.

I think he should be ashamed of himself for denying you the opportunity to have what he already has with his daughter. It's easy to say you don't want children when you have one already.

Having children is not a financial decision either.

I think you have to decide what's more important, him or a child. Personally, I would pick a child as he sounds awfully selfish.

Goodness you're only 30 - young in today's society. Start again. Find someone better and nicer. There are lots of single men out there, many want to settle down and have a family.

I started over aged 32 having been divorced twice with a young daughter as well and I had a sort of second teenage.. went out loads, got myself a part time job (alongside main job) working in a hotel to meet loads of new people. Had a ball. And yes some bits were lonely but it was better than being in a miserable relationship. (And my ex dh left me in the middle of ivf for another woman so I know how painful the want for a child can be with fertility issues and the tick tock n of a biological clock as well).

Somewhere along the line I met my now dh. We are really happy and he wanted a(nother) child as much as me. We now have 2 year old ds.

People don't settle for what isn't really in your heart. If you want to have children go out and find yourself the right man to do that with. Or you'll always regret it.

• should say desperately wanted one not loved him.

Ditch him.

You will never regret having children (well maybe when they drive you a bit mad but that doesn't last)

You will certainly regret staying with this man. My guess is he has never wanted more children, just strange you along until a good excuse came to mind.

That can be the only reason. The one he has given you is so ridiculous.

I split up with XH after 5 years together, aged 31, because of this issue. I have PCOS and the doctor told me I needed to get trying in case I needed help (waiting lists were long, needed to be trying for 2 years). XH still didn't know if he wanted kids, despite us agreeing when we married that we'd think about it after 3 years (which got shoved back to 5 at his insistence).

There was a happy ending for me though. I met DH at work just after XH and I separated. Now I'm 38, been married 5 years and have 2 boys (no fertility treatment needed!). XH is still childless, and I think he'll probably stay that way. He just doesn't feel the pull like I did.

If you leave now, you at least have a chance to find someone else to have children with, like I did - otherwise you may end up in the situation like SirRaymond's friend.

My beautiful friend spent nearly all of her twenties with the same man, she is now 30. He told her he didnt think he would ever want a family, he probably would only do it to make her happy, that wasnt good enough for her.

He'd probably find more excuses to not get married and have children. I told her not to wait another 10 years and at 40 he finally admits the truth.

So now she is starting her life again, it has been very painful for her, but it s what she needed to do.

He has at least been honest with you and isn't stringing you along with a 'maybe one day'. Respect him for that. He has priorities outside of your relationship and obviously holds a lot of guilt with respect to his daughter.

Move on, find someone with the same goals. If you stay you risk your relationship deteriorating anyway. It isn't possible to sustain things as they are.

Another thought, it could well be he isn't all that fussed one way or another about more dcs, and can see adding another child in now would cause problems, with an 8 year age gap, they wouldn't be playing together, but his dd has had a lot of changes already and might well be too young to cope with a half sibling and too old to just accept them.

As a man, he has the luxury of time, if he suddenly gets the urge in 11 years time to start again and have another dc, his dd will be 18 and he'll only be 43, several of the dad's in my nct group where older than that, but their dw/ps were all younger in their early to mid 30s. One couple had their 2nd dc last year, and he turned 60 recently.

Your DP could do it all again in 10 years time, he can wait until his dd has grown up or at least isn't in a jealous phase, but then he won't be doing that with you.

Leave leave leave, now, while you still have time. Being a full time stepmother is so difficult - to sacrifice your chance to have children to be one will leave you so full of regrets down the line. You really should leave now, although I know that's easier said than done!

Even if you did decide to forego having a child just so you could stay with him, what's to stop him finding somebody else and marrying/having a child with them. That would be doubly painful for you.

I'm surprised that his daughter isn't closer to you and also surprised that he doesn't seem to make much effort to foster you relationship, you and she. It's like they don't want or need you, in some respects.

If you want a child then you need to leave and find somebody to do that with.

Oh dear I'm really sorry to read this. A close relative of mine has recently split from his partner for the same reason (she doesn't want children, he does) after 6 years together. It is incredibly painful but definitely the right thing to do.

.

As hard as it would be I would walk away - do you read the step parent board on here? A lot of it doesn't make for happy reading on the blended family front - not judging by the way I have a lot of sympathy for them. In fact it might be a good idea to post there - many may have been in a similar situation.

While he's entitled to choose whether he wants another child or not I'd be a bit miffed too under the circumstances. Seems his daughter coming to live with him has clarified it in his mind and he's made his decision. I think he's being very selfish and singleminded though, he wants all the attention and focus on his daughter and seems she has fed into this by her remarks., fair enough but why waste your time for so long sitting on the fence? I suspect he never did want to have another child but is only now having the courage to say it out loud.

I wouldn't stay, if you do, as he has made his position clear, you not be in a position to broach the subject again. Only you can decide if you can carry on now all the cards are on the table. Not an enviable position to be in OP, I wish you well.

What everyone else has said repeatedly and unanimously.....

ALSO I think that he is already a shitty parent -- what sort of values does he have? Prioritising HIS need to be able to spoil his existing DD so much that he cant give her a sibling (no child needs "spoiling")? And that she would be jealous of a sibling - what about her learning to share and experiencing unconditional love and the joy of a newborn?

DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS MAN WITH THESE VALUES TO BE THE PARENT OF YOUR CHILDREN? I THINK HE HAS DONE YOU A FAVOUR - PACK YOU BAGS _ YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS. DONT WASTE ANOTHER MINUTE

I actually don't think that he's being selfish. Well I suppose by definition it is, but I don't think it is a decision anyone should make just to make a partner happy.

You hear so many horror stories of people wasting their fertile years with someone who keeps dangling the carrot of children in front of them. At least he has told you so you can get out now.

I don't want any more kids. It might be selfish if I had a partner who did want them, but you only get one life and having kids is a major decision. He doesn't want them. He's told you. The ball is now in your court.

you'll be eaten up with resentment if you stay and don't have children.

but, sorry to say, but maybe having a child won't happen with someone else either.

think very carefully about whether you would be content to live with him and his child as is.

He's told you the score and it sounds as if you keep bringing it up he'll dump you anyway.

Give yourself a bit of time to process your choice.. because you do have a clear choice.

I'm sorry man it must be a horrible feeling :(

He may feel that having had one child who didn't live with him was too hard to handle. Maybe he doesn't want to take that risk again? Maybe the child he's got back is more important to him than you and any other potential children.

Whatever his reasoning I think you have the option to leave unless you want to set aside your wants.

I think you should leave too. Yes, he might change his mind, but equally or more likely he will not change his mind or will 'semi' change it and keep you dangling waiting.

Also, I agree with the poster who said his values sound wrong anyway. Not having a child, that you want, because he thinks his existing daughter must have all the attention or has to be 'spoiled'?!

It is sad and really hard, but you are young and you should focus on finding someone who wants children, and will be a better father.

He has every right not to want a kid. Horrible for him, but even worse to be a kid of someone who didn't want a kid in the first place. The decision or whether to have children or not should always end if one partner doesn't want a child. Leave. You will most likely find someone who wants children why stay if you are so incompatible?

He isn't being selfish or horrible imo. That would be stringing you along. He has been upfront and use that to your advantage. If you want kids, then you will be unhappy without kids.

He is not the only man in the world but you only have a short time to have a child.

I kidded myself living with my boyfriend was better than not having him even though it meant no wedding.

I am now married to someone else with kids and happy I was true to myself.

Remember too that you don't need to find Mr amazing to have kids; plenty of women go it alone with a donor these days if the right man doesn't come along.