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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend Doesn't Want Kids. Ever.

92 replies

AnyonesGhost · 30/07/2014 17:00

Hi all,

First time on this board, with a question I am sure you have seen 100s of times.

I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years, living with each other for a little over 2. He has always been back and forth on children but was kind of in the middle. I have always wanted a child, which he knows. I am 30 and he is 32.

Last Summer his 7 year old daughter moved in with us from across the country (her mother got into trouble and lost custody). I take care of her like she was my own, but she constantly makes sure to tell me that I'm not really her mom or really her stepmom. Anyway, he and his daughter are really close and he loves having her around. I thought this would push him over the edge of wanting another child within a few years. This has somehow triggered the exact opposite reaction. Yesterday in conversation he told me that since his daughter gets jealous very easily, it would be hard and unfair on HER if we had a child because she wouldn't be the focus of attention. Also he feels bad of the issues she is having because her mother lost custody (he and his ex broke up before their daughter was born. If you met her you would know why haha). He also brings up the 'we cant afford them' card, even though we could. We both have good paying and steady jobs. I get a lot of "I want my child to be spoiled" but I am like "What about OUR child?". Yesterday he flat out told me he doesn't want another child and doesn't want to hold me back if I do. He is tired of discussing it and that he is 100% sure.

I really don't know what to do. Yes I want a family, but I dont want to lose him at the same time. We've built a home together. A life together. It is not that easy to walk away. It is also not that easy to wonder. I have never loved someone as much as I do him, and I feel I regret my decision either way.

Any advice? I am feeling hopeless.

OP posts:

MintyCoolMojito · 30/07/2014 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 30/07/2014 21:21

It's good that he has told you. Believe him.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 30/07/2014 21:24

You have to leave

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 30/07/2014 21:29

You want children, he doesn't. If you want children you have to leave. Don't waste years hoping he'll change his mind.

RabbitSaysWoof · 30/07/2014 21:37

Agree that you should go now.
I did the day before my 29th birthday the nob who wasted my 20's finally admitted he never wanted children even though he'd know our whole relationship that I did. The day after my 32nd birthday I had my son who brings me so much more happiness than anyone else I've ever known.

Agree with pp that hes already a shit parent, who the hell plans to spoil their child, it's a vital part of parenting to teach a child contentment, to not need to have everything and always be the center of attention.
I think your lucky you wont have to know that child when shes a teenager.

RedRoom · 30/07/2014 21:37

I'd leave him, I'm afraid. Having a child or not is very black and white: it is utterly impossible to compromise on this. I think his reasons sound very feeble (claiming his existing child will be jealous is a bit of a stupid explanation. If that is really true, how about he mans up and teaches her not to be so spoiled / selfish rather than denying you the chance of motherhood to spare her feelings?).

lagoon · 30/07/2014 21:40

Neither of you are in the wrong. I think you need to leave if you know what is in your heart.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 30/07/2014 21:41

He has been honest. He deserves credit for that.

But you deserve the chance to try for the family you want.

As others have said: he won't change - get out now. Actually I'd say get out NOW as in ASAP. And don't look back. Make the most of this summer. Have fun. Then settle down. Later. With someone who wants what you want. He is there.

FrankSaysNo · 30/07/2014 21:46

He doesn't want children with you. If children are important to you - leave now. Don't look back. Easier said then done of course. But don't 'trick' him and have an 'accident' - he wont be there for you long term.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 30/07/2014 21:47

I think those slating him for spoiling his child are being a but unfair - yes, it's not great but he may mean that, as she's had a lot of disruption to date, he'd like to prioritise her and making sure she's settled and has some "good things" in life.

We often make decisions about family size in part based on lifestyle we want. I can't blame him for focussing on a child who is here and who needs him.

EverythingCounts · 30/07/2014 21:47

It's a deal-breaker. Heaped on top of that, I would be steaming at the double standard being applied here. You've said you both have 'good paying and steady jobs' so he expects you to take on some of the responsibility for funding the 'spoiling' if his DD, but accept that there isn't enough money for the two of you to have a child together? Not on.

As a pp said, I wouldn't be at all surprised to read that if you told him you definitely want kids and so the relationship is over, he started back-pedalling and saying that maybe in a few years, when his DD is older, when you've saved up, etc, he could reconsider. Be very cautious about any statement like this. It sounds very much like he has the life he wants right now, finds it pretty comfortable, and doesn't want the set-up with you looking after his DD disrupted. He's likely to be hoping you will also not want to disrupt things and will go along with what he's said. I would really urge you not to, and to pursue the life you want.

Chesntoots · 30/07/2014 21:48

I have never wanted children but there is no way I would stay in a relationship and be expected to look after someone elses child whilst not being "allowed" one of my own.

In your situation I would leave. I'm sorry that you are having to make this decision.

Chunderella · 31/07/2014 07:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FolkGirl · 31/07/2014 08:02

I don't think he deserves some of the things being said about him on here.

Despite what someone upthread said, having children is a financial decision for some people. Some people have children with their hearts and some with their heads. Those of us who have children with our heads very much think about space, the size of the house, cars, the general financial implications...

But I digress. I suspect that the bottom line is, he just doesn't want anymore children, but because you do, and keep talking about it, he feels the need to answer the "but why?" questions and give you a definitive reason.

He's not wrong for not wanting any more children, anymore than you are wrong for wanting one. He just doesn't.

But you are not going to change your mind, are you? You're not going to wake up one morning and think, "you know what? I don't think I do want a child of my own after all". And by the same token, he is not going to change his mind either.

He isn't a knob and he isn't being selfish. He's told you. Selfish would have been pretending he did want children, just not yet... You have gathered your information, you just need to decide what to do with it.

Ragwort · 31/07/2014 08:52

Totally agree with FolkGirl - I never understand why people consider it is 'selfish' not to want a child - surely it could be just as 'selfish' to want a child .

Your boyfriend is being totally honest - having a child is not a 'necessity' in life - if it is so important to you then leave him and find someone else to have a child with.

I think it is commendable that he has thought clearly about whether or not to have another child - so many people seem to have children without giving it very, very careful consideration.

Mrsgrumble · 31/07/2014 08:57

I would leave. You have lots of time to meet someone else. I wouldn't like o be in your situation. He's happy enough for you to help raise his daughter who doesn't accept you, yet doesn't love you enough to want a child together.

No way, Jose. End of.

(Ps have been in similar situation)

FolkGirl · 31/07/2014 09:04

And all this, "he's happy for you to raise his child" comments... are meaningless.

He has to raise his child. She has been placed in his care, oh, and she is his child. They are a couple and, as step parents are always told on here, that's what you signed up for when you got together with a man who had children.

It doesn't sound like either of them knew she'd be there full time at the start, but raising existing children who live with you is just a given. What are they supposed to do?

That doesn't mean he has to have any more, just because they are together.

I have 2 children. I don't want anymore. If I ever lived with anyone again, they would be part of his life and I would expect him to play an active part in their lives on some level at least. Am I selfish, too?

JackieBrambles · 31/07/2014 09:08

I agree with the others, you need to leave now if you want a child.

You are still young to start again. I was single at 30, met my (now) DH at 33. Married at 35 and DS was born at 36.

Don't waste any more time with him, he's been honest and all credit to him for that.

Good luck.

dotsandspots · 31/07/2014 09:11

If you really want children, cut your losses and go now.

I waited far too long for a boyfriend who kept changing his mind. Eventually it transpired that he didn't want them. I was then single for a few years and married DH at 37. It was too late. I am 43 and we don't have children.

No one ever said it to me but at 30, time is not on your side.

NotNewButNameChanged · 31/07/2014 09:23

Totally agree with everything the wise FolkGirl has said.

The only tiny note of caution I would sound is that leaving only gives you a chance of meeting someone else and having a child with them - there are no guarantees. I have a friend who split up from her boyfriend of 5 years because he decided he didn't want children. He was 28 and she was 30. She is now 37 and has been single all that time (despite being a very lovely, intelligent, fun and attractive person).

He got married to someone else last year who doesn't want children.

My friend now wishes she'd stayed and remained childless but with the man whom she absolutely adored and loved with all her heart. It's very sad.

You need to be as sure as you can that your desire for a child outweighs everything else. I suspect it is.

EthicalPickle · 31/07/2014 09:24

Why do posters keep saying the DP is making the OP look after his DD. We can't know that from the OP . Not every man fits the MN mould.

OP, I agree with everyone else, you need to leave him. He is not wrong or selfish not to want a child and he has been honest by telling you while you are young enough. He has even told you he doesn't want to hold you back. He can't be clearer or fairer than that. You say that he has been back and forth on wanting kids so it sounds like he has given the matter some thought.

I would cut my looses, try and make the split as amicable as possible - it's no ones fault after-all and move on.

Good luck OP. I hope everything works out.

Letitbee · 31/07/2014 09:29

I think he sounds honest and upfront - a knob would have strung you along and 'made use' of you.

Leave him

KEGirlOnFire · 31/07/2014 09:42

My BF was like you. Her DP told her he didn't want any DCs. He 'brain-washed' her into thinking that she didn't want any either. I've known her for over 20 years and she certainly had wanted them. Anyway, had a 'happy' accident recently and got PG. Both were over the moon surprisingly (she's 37 - he's 34).

At the first scan there was no heart-beat. She now thinks that they were right to not want children and I'm devastated for her. She has seen this tragedy as a sign that they are not meant to be parents.

I am very sad for her that she feels like that. Please don't be like that. You may eventually make peace with not having a DC but you'll never truly be happy.

Leave him.

MotherOfInsomniacToddlers · 31/07/2014 09:47

It would be a deal breaker for me. If he's willing to lose you over it he obviously doesn't care about your happiness much

NotNewButNameChanged · 31/07/2014 09:59

MotherOf I'm sorry but I call bullshit on that and anyone who comes out with that crap. Because it never ever works the other way around, does it? Someone who doesn't want kids gets his thrown at them so often "If you REALLY loved me or cared about my happiness, you'd change your mind and let us have a baby" and they are made out to be an awful, selfish person. How about the childfree person saying to their partner "If you REALLY loved me or cared about my happiness, you'd change your mind and NOT have children!"

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